The Never Ending Struggle

It has been a while since my last update, so I thought I should take the time to write something tonight.  However, my mind doesn't seem to be very cohesive tonight and I'm not confident that I can synthesize all of the random things I would like to touch on so I'm just going to give you a bunch of random bullet points on the past couple weeks and where my head is at today.  So here it goes

• I received a lot of great feedback on Facebook and in person after my last post and I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to comment.  I'm so glad that I'm not alone in my thinking and that others were able to feel less alone in their day to day struggles with the sharing of my behind the scenes.  I'm thinking of making it a a weekly thing if I can find the time.

• I have been struggling in the health department lately.  In the late winter/early spring I had some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and after a few doctor trips, they determined it was GERD and put me on some medicine to help.  Two weeks ago, the same symptoms came back and have been lingering.  It is like having morning sickness (which for me was all day sickness) without growing a baby.  As a result, my appetite and food choices have been completely out of whack and I'm struggling big time with finding some balance and feeling well.  

•  James and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on the 29th.  We didn't actually do much of anything that day, but on Monday night we went to a concert with my sister and her husband.  We saw Twin Forks at The Triple Rock.  Twin Forks is the newest musical endeavor by Chris Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional).  I have mentioned my love for Dashboard Confessional in other posts - basically, it was music that completely resonated with me during some of the most depressing years of my life.  He wrote and performed music that spoke to my soul and made me feel less alone in my feelings....it is super depressing music and I have a hard time listening to it now because of all the emotions that I associate with it.  Twin Forks is quite the opposite.  I guess I'd call them a cross between Americana/Bluegrass/Folk with a little bit of Irish Pub Rock thrown in.  There wasn't many people at all at the concert which meant a super intimate show and the chance to meet them afterward!!!  They were so nice and it was great to chat for a bit.  They played covers of I Saw the Light and Blister in the Sun....that kind of mix doesn't usually happen, but it was perfectly suitable for my musical tastes, so I loved it.  I totally recommend checking out their EP, it is super fun and catchy and my kiddos love to dance to it.  You can take a listen on Sound Cloud.

James through this little collage together

• We had planned to go out for an anniversary dinner prior to the concert, but I had a 5 mile run to do on Monday and it took a little bit longer than I planned on and we got going a bit late so we didn't get to go out until after the show.  We were just trying to think of things that would be open and ended up at The Blue Door Pub, the same place we went for my birthday.  I ordered the special called the Hullabalucy.  It was a burger stuffed with blue cheese and mashed sweet potatoes with a maple mushroom aioli.  When I took the first bite I kind of felt like I wanted to just curl up in bed with my burger because it was so delicious.....these are the kinds of thoughts I have about food at 11pm after a really long day.

• With the above mentioned nausea, finding the energy and proper nutrition to run has been a challenge lately.  I've been doing my best to keep up with my training plan and I've only missed one run, but I really feel like this training plan is kicking my butt.  I am sore, tired and ravenous pretty much all the time.  I feel like my legs are starting to revolt.  I was talking with James about this tonight because I really struggle with knowing what is the voice of self-doubt in my head and what is the voice of reason.  There aren't a lot of people who are 60 pounds overweight talking about training for a half marathon and how that is going for them.  I'm not looking for someone to compare myself to, I'm just wanting to know what common experiences are for other runners my size, and it has been hard to find any info.  I wish there was some way to know what is "too much" for me running at this weight and what I just need to push through.  One thing is for sure, training for half marathons is not conducive to weight loss for me.  I might lose a few pounds one week, but then feel like I'm starving all the time the next week and over eat to compensate.  I'm having a difficult time finding balance right now.  

• I'm not making the declaration yet, but I think this might be my last half marathon, at least until I'm at my goal weight.  I'm thinking I might stick to 10Ks in the future and kind of make that "my distance" for races.  I'm also toying with the idea of training for the YWCA Triathlon in 2014.  Only problem with that is that I despise biking and sold my bike a while back so I'd have to get a new one and that isn't in the budget.  I'll be watching Craig's List for a really great deal.

• I've been listening to the latest sermon series by The Village Church (Matt Chandler) called Recovering Redemption.  It has been really helpful for me.  Matt has such a gift at speaking the truth with grace.  If you need to find freedom from anything in your life, I highly recommend checking the series out.  

• I am at 55% of my goal for my Team World Vision fundraising!  I would LOVE to reach 100% and would be forever grateful if you would consider sponsoring me in this effort.  Honestly, a $1 donation would let me know that you are out there and support me in this - plus, there is the even bigger benefit of HELPING KIDS HAVE CLEAN WATER!!!  You really wouldn't believe how motivating it has been for me to know that I'm doing this for a purpose so much bigger than myself.  If I wasn't running for these kids, I would have quit by now, I know that much.   

• I'm really struggling with my boys right now.  They are fighting non stop - there has been biting, hitting, pinching, yelling, screaming, stealing and crying nearly every minute of the day around here lately and it is wearing me down.  Normal 2 year old behavior doesn't mix well with a 3 year who has trouble regulating his emotions and using words.

I think that about does it for now.  I'll try to have a more inspiring and cohesive post soon, but this is where I am today.

I made a new before/now picture that I needed to remind myself how far I've come after a couple of crappy eating days.

Thanks for reading - now check out some Twin Forks!

The Snowman....He Mocks Me

I am half way there.  This is what my training schedule looks like

I'm one of those crazy list people that adds things to a list just so I can cross them off.  Being able to cross off each of these runs/workouts gives me great satisfaction.

Saturday was a long run day - six miles at a slow pace.  I've run six or more miles quite a few times at this point, so I wasn't expecting it to be as difficult as it was for me.  It was the longest six miles I have ever run, that is for sure.

I think I spent over half of it either walking or in tears because I was just so frustrated.  It was pretty humid and getting warmer by the time I got out for a run, but it wasn't horrible.  I really didn't understand why I was having such a difficult time.

I was really excited when I made it to my turn around point.

I have run by this snowman many times and I swear he mocks me every single time.  I had to run up the hill that the snowman sits on top of to then go down a little hill to get to my turn around point and every single step up that blessed hill was torture.  I was happy to turn around and get him out of my sight.

The second half was just as brutal as the first and about a mile from home I finally realized why I was struggling so much and why I have been struggling so much with all of my training runs lately.  I feel like I'm failing.

I was so excited to start training for this race and to run this race because it was a chance for me to combine my efforts at improving my health with making an impact in the lives of others.  I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to find motivation to train for my second half marathon.  The first time around, I was running purely on the motivation of doing something that I had never done before and thought I could never do.  Now that I know my body is capable of it, I'm finding that I really need something outside of myself to keep me going.  As of Saturday morning, I had only received one donation. 

I have a really big goal, but this time it isn't a running goal, this time it is a goal to provide clean water for people who aren't nearly as fortunate as we are, simply because they were born in another country.  People who are forced to drink water from the same place that animals bathe and drink.  Water that is not at all fit for drinking.

Photo from John Warren/WorldVision

 



I want the fact that I am making a difference to be able to keep me motivated when my runs get difficult.  I want to know that I'm doing this for someone else and not just for me. 

This is where I'm at today - 13% to my goal.  So much progress to make.

I'm not saying any of this to guilt people into giving, that isn't at all what this is about, and I really only want people to give if they are excited about it.  I'm just being honest and letting you know that training for this thing is kicking my rear, in a really big way.  So if you aren't able to help financially, I would love it if you would consider praying for health, endurance and peace.

I'm not giving up.  I will be crossing that finish line.  One step at a time. 

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.  Hebrews 10:35-36

I am confident that I am supposed to be doing this.  I know that God will get me through it.  I will overcome.



Coming Out of the Winepress

About five weeks ago I was listening to a podcast from Elevation Church (Steven Furtick)....big surprise if you are a regular reader, I pretty much listen to him all the time when I'm running because he gets quite charismatic (at least for a white girl from Minnesota) and keeps my energy level up.  I honestly can't even remember which message it was anymore, but he was talking about Gideon and the story in Judges 6, specifically verses 11-12

The angel of the  Lord  came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites.  When the angel of the  Lord  appeared to Gideon, he said, “The  Lord  is with you, mighty warrior. (NIV)

Furtick talked about how it was not normal or even productive to beat wheat in a winepress.  Normally, you would beat wheat in a place that was up higher so that the chaff would be taken away by the wind, so what Gideon was doing was counterproductive.  Furtick referred to Gideon as a "wimp in a winepress". 

Then, the angel of the Lord shows up and calls him a mighty warrior....are we talking about the same guy?  Would a mighty warrior be hiding in a winepress?  The conversation between the angel and Gideon continues throughout the chapter as Gideon goes on trying to convince the angel that he is not a mighty warrior, that he is weak and the least in his family.  He believed that there was no possible way that he could defeat the Midianites.  Thankfully, the angel (and God) were persistent and helped him believe that it wasn't him that needed to be strong, God was strong enough and faithful enough to work through him, he just needed to have faith and trust that God would lead him to victory.

The message resonated with me that day, but I kind pushed it to the back of my brain and carried on with life as usual.  Then today, God connected the dots in my head again and I started to really see how this is paralleled in my life.

I have been hiding in a winepress for my entire life, only my winepress comes in the form of obesity.  I have hidden my thoughts, opinions and preferences on nearly everything in my life behind the invisible wall that had formed along with all of my extra fat cells.  

I did my best to blend in.  To not call attention to myself.  To never speak up.  I did my best NOT to be noticed because I was far to ashamed of my body and myself.  (This is particularly ironic now, when I look back, because one of my college anthems was Again I Go Unnoticed by Dashboard Confessional...hard to be noticed when you are doing your best to be invisible.)  

I knew to an extent that I was doing this, it was mostly intentional, but I wasn't completely aware of just how much of my life it impacted.  It has recently come to light in a couple of scenarios and forced me to realize just how much of myself I have kept in hiding.  One came as a realization from therapy and the other while shopping in JCPenney.

James and I have been seeing a therapist together to work through some things that have created tension in our marriage.  We weren't at a breaking point, we just both believe in fighting like hell to keep our marriage strong and we knew that we needed a neutral party to pull some things out of us and force us to address issues that we frequently swept under the rug.  It has been extremely helpful and I'm not at all ashamed of it. 

Anyway, one of the things that I discovered about myself is how often I neglect to share my feelings about things simply because I think my feelings are invalid or aren't worthy of being heard.  I've never loved myself enough to believe that what I think or feel matters to anyone.  What I am starting to realize (with help) is that it is impossible to build intimacy in a relationship without sharing these things about myself.  James does want to know what I am thinking and feeling and he will still love me even if he disagrees.  He isn't going to figure them out if I don't tell him.  I have to remind myself frequently that those things are true.

The second revelation, as I mentioned, came from a completely overwhelming trip to the mall a couple of weeks ago, only I didn't realize why it was so overwhelming until today.  I had gone to the mall a couple of weeks ago to do some shopping before I picked up the kids.  I am down to two pairs of jeans, one pair of capris and a couple of dresses right now.  All of my work pants can be pulled off without unbuttoning them and they have unwillingly dropped twice.  Fortunately, both wardrobe malfunctions were only witnessed by my children.  Needless to say, I'm in need of some new clothes, which would seem like a good problem to have.  However, a limited budget (Who pays $50 for a pair of jeans, seriously??? I thought $10 at Savers was a bit much), an abundance of choices and legs that will never work in skinny jeans, have made this exciting opportunity more of an anxiety laden burden. 

I literally stood in JCPenney looking back and forth after walking through rows upon rows of clothing as the tears started to well up in my eyes.  I had no idea where to start.  I don't know how to buy clothes.  I felt completely clueless.  I look at all of the options and I honestly don't know what to do with any of them.    

For my entire life it has always been about buying whatever I could find that was in my price range that actually fit.  Whether or not it was "me" rarely got considered because the only goal was to have something to wear and there are usually only 5 or 6 plus size racks to choose from.  

Today, while getting ready for church, I realized why I have had such a hard time with all of the choices....I'm not sure I know what "me" is and I'm not sure I'm ready to come out of hiding.  Trying to find clothes is forcing me to figure that out.  I know what you are thinking, clothing is really not that important, certainly nothing that should cause anxiety, and I understand that, but this is about so much more than clothes for me. This whole situation made me think about how I've never really learned to love who I am, I've never celebrated Tammy, I've never really even taken the time to get to know her.  Any dreams or ambitions to be or dress a certain way were quickly dashed by that constant voice in my head telling me that I was too fat.  I've kept a large part of who I am in hiding, in my own winepress, for far too long. 

I feel like God has been working on me for a while to get me to realize this, he really can use anything for good...even a crappy shopping trip.  It is a good thing he is so merciful and patient, because honestly, it takes me a REALLY long time to understand things sometimes.

A friend posted a really great quote by Bob Goff on Facebook a couple weeks ago that really spoke to where my head has been lately - "We spend a lot more time thinking about our failures than God does.  It's Thursday.  Quit memorizing who you used to be."  So good. 

He has been trying to help me realize that even though I might see myself as a "failure in fat clothes" (trying to stay with the alliteration, but honestly, that is how I have viewed myself), He sees me as a strong woman who he made EXACTLY as he designed me to be to fulfill His purpose for my life.  All of my struggles, all of my strengths, all of my fears and all of my failures, they will all be used to fulfill the purpose and the plan that he has for me.  He needed me to realize that I need to stop hiding and start trusting.  He isn't going to accomplish much if I'm not willing to be who he called me to be.  

A few weeks ago I ordered a new pair of glasses online.  I've been wearing the same glasses for at least 8 years and they were starting to fall off of me as well....who knew that glasses could get too big for you when you lost weight?  I must have been feeling confident the day I ordered them, because I picked a pair that would definitely not allow me to go unnoticed.  I had them for two weeks before I even had the courage to wear them.  I finally wore them to the fair on Thursday and then again today to church.

These glasses are "me".  The scarf (thanks Suzi!), which I'm usually too afraid to wear,  is "me".  They may not be the Tammy that people are familiar with, heck, I'm still trying to familiarize myself with her, but after 32 years, I have finally decided to come out of hiding, little by little, accessory by accessory, thought by thought. 

I'm starting to love who I am and understand what it actually means to trust God.  I'm starting to accept that not everyone will (or does) like me and what I believe in.  My purpose is not to be liked by everyone...although I know I'm going to need to remind myself of that frequently...my purpose is to love, follow and serve the God who made me.  In order to do all that He has planned for me, I need to love and celebrate the person he has made me, the body he gave me and the path he paved for me.  I need to trust that as long as I am honoring Him with the choices I make and giving Him the glory, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

I'm starting to appreciate that even though I'm still an incredibly slow runner, someone else who is also slow and about to give up might read my story and know that even though they aren't as fast as everyone else, they aren't alone.  You can call yourself a runner even if it takes you longer to finish the race than everyone else. 

I'm starting to realize that even though I've lost nearly 125 pounds, most people don't care about how far you've come, they only care about where you are now.  Since my "now" is still technically "obese", most people don't count it as a victory.  But my "now" is not the end and I haven't given up.  Maybe there is someone who needs to know that sometimes it takes a long time to get to where you want to be and the only thing that matters is that you never stop trying.  Some days don't go as planned, some months don't go as planned, but you just keep pushing forward, resting in the fact that His mercies are new every morning and trusting that God will get you there and make you lean on him during the process.

They have played a song called Oceans by Hillsong a couple of times at church recently.  The song is about God calling Peter out onto the water, to simply come and trust that he would be safe.  I haven't been able to make it through the song without tears and the bridge has become my constant prayer lately
 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

What waters is God calling you into?  I know that they might seem rough, it might be like going out into the middle of a storm, but know that you aren't alone.  There is someone who needs you to step out and take that leap of faith into the unknown, out of the winepress and into the marvelous light. 

32

It has been a very fun, very busy week.  As I sit here on Sunday afternoon after my long run for the week (4 miles), my house is quiet (a rare, treasured moment) as EVERYONE is getting in a much needed nap. 

Here is a quick recap:

Monday - I went for a run in the morning after dropping the kids off.  Tried to get caught up on stuff at home

Tuesday - James and I went out to celebrate my birthday.  We went to The Blue Door Pub, I had a Blucy (best burger ever....I haven't met another that comes anywhere near the caliber of this burger) and a Farm Girl Saison.  Burgers and beer are my preferred birthday meal, I'm low brow, and I'm ok with that.  Then we ventured over to Izzy's for an ice cream cone.  I had a scoop of Oreo with a Mint Izzy.  It was the first time we'd been to Izzy's.  It was ok, but I still prefer Sebastian Joe's (the Pavarotti is my favorite).  We had a nice evening out and got a little bit of a walk in.

Wednesday - My birthday!  I started the day bright and early with a nice run at 6:00am and then headed to work for non-stop meetings.  I headed home to have a quick dinner with the family and then off to Bible Study.

Thursday - I had a busy day at work and Rage had his last day of Occupational Therapy.  My mom came over because I was supposed to have a meeting that night that ended up getting cancelled, which was nice, because I needed a night at home.  I did 3 miles on the treadmill at about 10pm.  It was a "hard" run day but I was pretty exhausted.  I still tried to push myself even though I wasn't feeling that great.  I guess I pushed myself a little bit too hard at the end because I ended up puking as soon as I hopped off the treadmill.  

Friday - I went to the gym for weight training after I dropped the kiddos off and then came home and worked.  We went to a dinner party that evening with family.

Saturday - My mom came up mid morning and helped out with the kids.  I cleaned and organized our bathroom, which was much needed.  My mom folded some clothes and cleaned our kitchen floor.  She is always so much help!  She stayed and watched the kiddos so we could go to James' cousin's wedding.  It was really fun to have a night out with other grown ups and no kiddos.  The wedding was beautiful and we had a great time. 

Today - I volunteered bright and early at church this morning.  I spent about an hour with around 20 toddlers and got to teach them about God providing water for the Israelites by telling Moses to hit a rock.  Our God is a pretty awesome.  James met me at church so we could go to the next service and then we headed home for lunch and nap time.

As I entered a new year of my life this week, I thought about what 31 brought and what I hope to accomplish as a 32 year old.  Here are my big goals for the next year:

• Finish my 2nd half marathon in under 3:00. (Very realistic (I was soooo close last time), very attainable, but enough to keep me pushing through my training runs)
• Make it to "One-derland".  A 1 at the front of the scale would be the bee's knees but will require a lot of hard work since my body seems to be very comfortable where it is at right now.
• Go on a short-term mission trip to Haiti
• Offer more encouragement to my husband an my kids and focus more on the positives and less on the negatives
• Be the one to say "Good Morning" - This one God gave me on my run and I think it means more than saying "good morning", but I'm still figuring it out.  It has to do with me getting outside of my comfort zone in communicating face to face with other people.  I typically wait for someone to say something to me because I don't feel like anyone would want to have a conversation with me, but I'm going to start taking the first step more often.

I'll try to update on each of these frequently, but the house is suddenly not so peaceful anymore and I have a two year old who needs his mommy.

Have a great week!

Week One of Monster Dash Training

Well, I suppose I should do an actual update.  I have been feeling very uninspired as far as blogging goes lately, I'm hoping that changes shortly.  I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, but not nearly enough time or energy to get them composed.

Monday I started Week 1 of Monster Dash Half Marathon training.  This is what my week looks like:

• Monday - 3 miles (A gorgeous evening run around Lake Phalen)
• Tuesday - 2 miles (Tried a new trail, planned an easy two miles...took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up doing half of it on hilly trails.  It was brutal but kind of fun.)
• Wednesday - Weight Training
• Thursday - 3 miles (Pushed myself HARD on the treadmill at about 9:30pm....dripping sweat.  I eeked out an 11:04 min/mile pace which is by far my best for 3 miles.  Slow for some, fast for me.)

• Today - Rest Day....I did 30 minutes on the elliptical which is pretty much rest as far as I'm concerned
• Saturday - 4 miles
• Sunday - Cross Training

I've been listening to a sermon series from Elevation Church called Treatment during my runs lately.  

It is a four part series that deals with depression, anxiety, addiction and insecurity.  I highly recommend giving it a listen if you struggle with any of those things....and let's be honest, who doesn't?  I frequently need a reminder of who God says I am and these were so helpful with that.  

Outside of that, we've just been enjoying as much of this awesome weather as we can.  There have been many picnics and playground trips lately.  

On Saturday I had a fun Mommy/Daughter day with Rory.  We took Lena for a "run" in the morning, which was a lot of fun.  We only went about 3/4 mile, but she ran quite a bit.  Rory really wants to run with me and I promised her that if she could run/walk 3 miles with me by next summer, she could do the Color Run with me.  She is built like me and loves to eat anything with sugar and flour so I am bound and determined to make sure she doesn't end up just like her mom.  I don't want her going through the pain of being the "fat kid".  It would break my heart so I'm doing my best to get her excited about eating healthy and getting exercise. 

The scale hasn't moved much lately, which I am kind of ok with and kind of not ok with.  I don't want to be stuck here permanently.  I know that my body is very comfortable with the weight I am right now.  I spent most of my high school at this weight, but I don't want to stop here.  I want to take this body to places it hasn't been before and I'm trying to keep moving forward, no matter how long it takes.  I'm not giving up.

I hope you are all enjoying August.  This summer is going so incredibly fast!        

Catching Up

I suppose I should probably write a new post or something.....it has been 23 days since the last one and that feels like a really long time ago.

We've been very busy since then.  Here are some of the highlights from that time

• Family trip to middle of nowhere Wisconsin July 2-4
• I don't have any pictures on this computer, but it was a lot of fun and also extremely exhausting.  Huge thank you to my brother-in-law for letting us join him in a BEAUTIFUL "cabin" that was much nicer and larger than our home.  It was nice to enjoy time with family and I even got out for a 4 mile run while we were there. 

• 4th of July Fireworks with the entire family
• I thought I had some pictures, but I can't seem to find them now.  Everyone survived and I got kind of emotional because it was the first time we've ever been able to go with the whole family

• James took a weekend trip to Wisconsin and I held down the fort 
• I may have bribed them with ice cream on Friday night....shhh....don't tell anyone, k

• I did The Color Run
• It was a blast.  I wasn't at all worried about time, I just wanted to have fun.  I ran with my friend Kelley and we had a great time.  I even found my Sister-in-Law and her family at the end of the race and we snapped a few pictures.  I completely recommend this as an active family activity or for someone who wants a good first 5K goal, so much fun and no pressure.  This is the first time I've actually run along side someone else for a race and it made the time fly by, I might have to find running partners more often.  I promised Rory that if she could walk/run three miles by this time next year she could do it with me.

• We enjoyed the wonderfully awful Ramsey County Fair.  I'd say it is the biggest disgrace for a county fair, but we went to one up in Two Harbors, MN once that was pretty terrible too.

 All three kiddos checking out some sheep

 Rory and Rage on the Helicopter Ride

 Rory and Rage on the 4 Wheeler Ride

 The coolest thing at the fair....a cow that you can "milk"

On our way home.  Her legs got tired.  Go figure.

• My baby turned 2 and we had a great family party with my niece who turned 1

 Oskar (2) and Etta (1)

 Our family (Thanks for such a great photo Chris!)

Two year difference for my little Oskar man

• I hurt my hip....trying to lay off running to recover but it doesn't really feel like it is improving.  No idea what happened.  It bothered me last summer but was fine for the fall, winter and spring.  Now it has returned with a vengeance.  

• I'm in Wisconsin for work for the next couple days
• I love my family, but it is kind of glorious to have time to myself for the next couple of days.  I plan on using every minute of it!

So other than that, not too much is going on.  I lost a ton of weight (close to 6 pounds) the 2nd week in July for no apparent reason and then I went completely off the rails and couldn't stop eating last week/weekend and gained pretty much all of it back.  I was bound and determined to make Monday a better day and have done a pretty good job of keeping things in line since then.  It was kind of scary how little control I had last week.  I consumed like 3,500 calories one day, which is 2,000 more than my goal.  I learned a lot from it and I'm looking forward.  I need a way to keep my hormones in check....guys, be thankful you don't have to deal with this lovely aspect of weight loss.

God has been working on softening my heart a lot lately.  I've been really bitter/angry with our work/family schedule lately and it has been taking a toll on our relationship. We're working through it and God is showing up big time.  The last two weeks at church our usual worship leader was out and the guy filling in for him just completely crushed me with his little devotional/talks before the final songs.  Both weeks I just cried during the last worship song because God used him to speak right to my heart with issues that were very present in my life that day.  I love my church.

On Oskar's actual birthday I was having a particularly rough evening because James was home with the kids during the day but had to work that night so he had to go to bed as soon as I got home and we didn't get to spend the evening as a family.  I know he needs to sleep so he can function at work, but I still let it bother me way too much.  I was feeling so alone because I just miss being able to spend time together as a family.  As I was tucking Rory in for bed, I was exhausted.  She asked me to read from a children's devotional book that I got for them and I told her it was too late, but she quickly reminded me of something I had once told her..."but Mommy, we always have time for God".  So glad I have my little accountability girl.  I found the entry for the day and started to read through it and had to stop to gain composure a couple of times.  Here is what it said

It is a pretty small picture, so in case you can't read it, Matthew 18:20 is the verse for the day

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

The commentary goes on to say, "When you and your family pray before dinner, God is there. When you play outside with a friend in the world God created, God is there.  When you sing a song about God or thank him for all the great things he's given you, God is there.  So when you want to spend time with God, grab a friend.  Then invite God to join you."

It was a very needed reminder for me that day that I'm never alone.  God is always with me and I just felt like he was giving me a great big hug when I read this.  I'm so thankful that I have a little girl who loves Jesus so very much.  She is always asking questions that get us discussing God and how wonderful he is.  It is truly a blessing to have her around.

I think that about does it for now.  Not much else going on.  Thanks for reading!  Have a wonderful day!

What would a post be if I didn't share one of my favorite songs of late :-)

Music and Memories

Yesterday was an exciting day.  After losing just shy of 115 pounds, I finally reached the first of three weight loss goals that I have set for myself.  I am back down to the lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life, including high school - 240.6 pounds.  (I don't have a new picture for my progress pictures page, but I just added a bunch of photos from my childhood and post college years - check it out!)

I honestly didn't think I was going to make it back here and I'm hoping I don't linger here for too long, I'd like to keep things moving.  It has been getting very difficult for me to keep the scale moving and I was getting really discouraged last week at how long this whole process is taking, so this was a needed victory.  My weight loss goal is very much like my method of running half marathons, very slow, but at a pace that will get me to the finish.

Wednesday has been our date night lately and James sent me a text at work around noon asking if I wanted to go see Fall Out Boy that night.  He had been looking at concerts coming to a nightclub close by on Monday and he mentioned Fall Out Boy and I asked how much tickets were because if they were cheap, I would have been interested in going.  The tickets were crazy expensive and the show was already sold out, so that was the end of that.  However, he remembered the conversation and was looking on Stub Hub yesterday and saw that they had tickets for $20 so he texted me and asked if I still wanted to go.  I told him I'd see how I felt when I got home from work because I really didn't feel like I had the energy to go at that point.  A few minutes later I had an e-mail with what they had played for an encore at previous shows and one of my favorite songs was the last one they played (I even titled a post in honor of it a while back - Saturday) and I told him to get the tickets.

It was a very last minute decision, which I think is one of the benefits of being a grown up and getting all of my major concert going days out of my system 10 years ago.  I didn't care where we were standing or if we missed the opening act, I was just happy to go and not be stressed out about it.  Plus, we paid much less for our tickets than anyone else did....I love Stub Hub.

The concert was great, they didn't disappoint.  I have seen them live 3 or 4 times before and they always put on a great show and this time was no different.....except I think I had no children last time we saw them.  We thought we'd be the oldest people there, but we definitely weren't.  Lots of people our age were there, which was kind of fun.  It was really kind of fun to hear Pete Wentz talk about coming back after taking a few years off because the world just needed a little less Pete Wentz.  It is interesting when you get to see personal growth in the members of a band that you have been listening to for years.   

Going to a concert like this brought back so many memories for me.  I used to go to concerts ALL THE TIME when I was in college.  Even after college and after James and I first got married, we still went to quite a few.  I think for a couple of summers, I went to a concert like every week.  Most of them were of the emo/punk variety in small venues like the show we went to last night.  I really wish I would have done a better job of keeping track of all of them, I don't even remember all of them.  A very friendly drunk guy started talking about how he had seen Fall Out Boy at the same venue years ago and the more he started talking about the show, I realized that I had been there too....I had completely forgotten about it!

I thought about how different I am from 10-12 years ago.  Music was the only thing keeping me going then, I lived for it and spent nearly all of my money on cds and concert tickets.  I was so incredibly broken and unhappy with life and how lonely I always was.  I loved being able to just completely shut off the thoughts in my head, crank up the music and listen to songs by other people that had so many familiar thoughts and feelings.  So many of the people going to concerts felt the same way, so even if I didn't know them, I somehow felt a little less alone.

I considered myself a Christian then, but I was so far from actually having any clue what that meant.  I didn't know Jesus.  I didn't understand grace.  I didn't feel loved. 

Last night I got to spend the night at a concert, right next to a man who found a way to love me then, even though I was a hot mess.  We came home to our three children sound asleep in their beds.  I wore a sleeveless dress and felt completely comfortable (this is a big deal).

I am so thankful that God didn't give up on me.  I was so far from him for so very long, but my heart never stopped searching for a love that only He can provide.  When you search for him, you will find him.  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the  Lord , plans for welfare  and not for evil,  to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,  and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me  with all your heart.  (Jeremiah 19:11-13, ESV)

If you are feeling lost, unloved, unworthy, defeated, don't give up hope.  He has a plan, and it is a good one, I promise.  Don't stop searching until you find it.        

Finding my way to beautiful

I'm sitting down to write a blog that I don't really have a plan for.  This could go any way....we'll just have to wait and see.

I am feeling rather unsettled this evening.  I'm not particularly sure why, but I just get this way occasionally.

I took this week off of work and have been in vacation mode since I crossed the finish line on Sunday.  My eating has been horrendous and I think that is a big reason for not feeling so great. 

James and I spent the night out of town for his birthday and we ate at a buffet last night.  My stomach was not a fan and I woke up feeling hungover.  It is amazing how much of an impact food can have on our overall health and well being.  I guess it isn't all that surprising when you think about it, but one of those things that I don't realize until it goes badly. 

I haven't had much control over the past two days and I missed a workout for the first time in a long time.  I will be making it up tomorrow, but still, I don't want this to be a habit.  This is what happens when I don't have a solid goal to work towards, I am still dedicated to working out, but it is easy to put off if things get tight.  I don't start training for my next half marathon until August, so I need to find something to do between now and then.  I'm thinking I will work on improving my 5K speed, or just improve my speed overall.  I have been looking at a few plans but haven't found anything that has really peaked my interest just yet.  I would like to take a spin class, but the times don't really work with our schedule so I'm kind of bummed about that.

I am having a really hard time adjusting to ever changing clothing sizes.  It is a good thing to need to buy smaller clothes, but it is really stressing me out.  We went to Mall of America yesterday to try and find some new clothes for me because I'm running out of clothes that fit.  I have been wearing clothes that are quite baggy, but a lot of my pants are getting to the point where they might start falling down on their own if I don't do something about it.  I think I summed up all my new clothes woes with 3 simple points

1) I hate spending money on clothes and rarely feel like things are worth what stores want me to pay for them.  If it isn't on a clearance rack or majorly on sale, I'm not buying it.

2) Even though I've lost 111 pounds, my hips and legs are still quite substantial and pretty much everything that is available to purchase right now is made for people with no hips and slender legs.  Skinny jeans are a no go on these legs...I've tried and it just looks wrong.

3) I don't have the time or brain power to figure out layers and what goes together....I miss the days when putting together an outfit was simple.  I look at things in the stores now and I seriously wouldn't even know what to put together.  I sent this text to my sister yesterday while at the mall: "It is a sad day when you realize that the only store that looks like it might have something that I'd be interested in wearing is Coldwater Creek."  Nothing against Coldwater Creek, but it isn't typically a store that I'd find myself shopping in...but I guess that has changed.

James thinks I don't really have a good perspective of what I look like, and I'm guessing that is partially true.  I think part of me will always feel like a big fat blob.  I'm still very uncomfortable with my legs from the knees up and prefer not to have any of that area showing.  I don't like to have my upper arms showing either and I especially hate frilly cap sleeves.  Those two hang-ups really limit the options right now.

I'm wondering if I'll ever be comfortable with how I look.  

Some days I feel ok about things but most days when I look in the mirror all I can see is the fat that is still there.  There isn't nearly as much as there used to be, but there is still much more than I am comfortable or happy with.  

I wonder if I'll ever look "normal", if I will ever feel like people aren't paying attention to the size of my body.

I don't desire to be "hot".  I have no plans of ever taking a selfie picture in a bikini.  I just want to be comfortable with who I am.  I realize that this has very little to do with losing weight and everything to do with my very broken self image.  When someone tells me that I'm looking skinny or looking good, I want to believe them.  Right now I just feel like people say things like that out of obligation even though I know that isn't the case.  I don't believe those things about myself right now, so it is hard to accept it from others.  I have a very difficult time accepting compliments or encouragement. 

I know that true beauty is not found in the shape of a body, the style of hair or a perfect face.  I get that.  But I think that every woman has a longing to feel beautiful and I have never had that feeling.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this and I'm sure there are many women who aren't even overweight that feel the same way.

I'm wonder how women find their way to beautiful.  What secrets do they have to discovering the beauty that is already present but still somehow undiscovered by the person it belongs to.  Because the truth is that we are all beautiful.  Every one of us.  We just need to find our way to feeling it.  

Finding Joy in Slow....A Half Marathon Story

(If you aren't into TMI kinds of stories, then you'll probably just want to skip everything past the first four paragraphs....more detail than anyone wanted to know I'm sure, but it is what it is!)

I did it!

My first half marathon is in the books.  The weather was perfect, we couldn't have had a nicer day.  It was cool and humidity was low and the sun was shining by the end of the race, perfect in my books!

I woke up at 3:30am and started getting ready, left by 4:15 and headed downtown to catch a shuttle to the starting line.  I got there with plenty of time to spare, I probably could have slept half an hour longer, but I'd rather by early than late.  I got to the starting area around 5:00 and the race started at 6:30, so I sat around quite a bit just mentally preparing myself.

I headed to the starting line at 6:00 and found the 12+ minute pace flags and got lined up there and was quickly greeted by a friend from work.  It was nice to see a familiar face and chat a bit before the race started.

The race started promptly at 6:30 and I crossed the starting line right around 6:35.  I was very focused on maintaining a slow pace even though people were passing all around me.  I just kept my eyes forward and got in my own zone.  I started the race listening to a couple of messages from Elevation church....very good decision.  I got filled up and really felt good about how things were starting.

As each mile passed and RunKeeper read me my pace, I was a bit scared and a bit excited all at the same time.  For the first 8 miles, my pace was right around 12:55 a mile or so and I was shooting for a 13:30 pace.  I was tempted to slow things down, but I felt really good so I just kept going at the pace I was at.  Even though my legs and lungs felt great, my stomach started to give me some trouble pretty much immediately and I contemplated stopping at the 2, 4 and 6 mile points to use the restroom, but I kept going too afraid to stop because the lines were long and I was making such good time.

When I finally arrived at the 8 mile check point, which also happened to be a relay exchange point, there were finally some satellite toiles with no line so I quickly jumped in.  My intestines were pretty much in full on revolt mode at that point, but I was determined to keep going and try to keep the pace I was at......except that didn't really happen.

The first mile after taking the break I felt good again, but then the stomach issues creeped back in.  I ended up walking quite a bit during mile 10, but I was trying to keep a quick walking pace so that I didn't get too far off track from meeting my goal.

Miles 8 thru 12 are pretty much a blur.  I had to stop and use the restroom again around mile 11.5 or so, right before crossing the Stone Arch Bridge.  I knew my family was going to be in the area after the Stone Arch Bridge, so as I was crossing it I was kind of looking out for them and I spotted them in the distance and was able to wave to them.  I swear to you, that bridge has gotten much longer since the last time I was on it.....but that was a casual stroll and this most definitely was not.  I felt like I was never going to get across that stupid bridge to the point in the race where we were on the last stretch. 

I finally made and saw my kiddos holding up signs and screaming "Go Mommy!" with the biggest smiles on their faces.  I ran over and gave them high fives and I choked back the tears.  It was so wonderful to see them and to hear their cute little voices, it gave me the strength I needed to make it to the end because I was VERY tired at that point.  My feet and hips were killing me but I knew I was close. 

I finally made it up the last hill and hit the point where it was all down hill to the finish.  Seeing the river at the bottom of the hill was the most glorious site I had ever seen!  I started looking for the finish line because my phone had just told me that I had reached 13 miles and I started tracking just steps away from the starting line.  I saw the finish and thought it was closer than it was, but we had to run past it a little bit and then work our way back.  I really didn't think I was going to make it at that point, but when I finally turned the last corner with nothing standing between the finish line and me, I started running as hard as I possibly could. 

The gun timer showed 3:05 something when I crossed so I quickly grabbed my phone to stop tracking and see what the time on my phone said.  This is what I saw on my phone

It is very evident by my splits that mile 8 is when things started to fall apart for me. 

Between my phone time and the gun time, my hopes of finishing in under 3:00 seemed somewhat possible, but I really wasn't sure.  Runkeeper paused while I was in the bathroom, so I knew my time was a little bit longer than this, but I was hoping that  I would have made it. 

So I sat in suspense until I was able to get home and check the online results but I still felt pleased since I definitely met my finishing around 3:00 goal.

After I crossed the finish line, I got my medal and some snacks and then found a picnic table close to the river to sit down and call my husband.  They were close by and were on their way to meet me, yay!  I wasn't expecting them to be at the finish, so it was a really nice surprise. 

We snapped a few pictures

Me and the two "big kids"....don't ask me what he is wearing or what he is doing, he is his own man.



My mom and me (she helped out a ton with our house and kids this weekend, thanks mom!)

 

 

My mom got some more pictures with her camera, but I haven't gotten them yet, I'll make sure I update this with them when I have the rest. 

 

We eventually started heading back to our cars, we both ended up parking in the same lot, so it was nice to be able to walk back with them.  It was about a 3/4 mile walk or more back to the car and we had to go back up the hill that we came down at the end, so it was a very slow and painful walk back to the car. 

 

My mom rode back with me while James took the kiddos.  As we were on our way home, I heard my phone make the noise it makes when I get a text or e-mail.  I checked and it was an e-mail with my official race results...

 

I was a little bit bummed that I didn't have a 2 at the beginning, but I'm still happy that I was able to finish this close to 3:00.  If my stomach hadn't decided to revolt against me, I know I would have for sure met that goal, so I will be shooting for it again in October( and hopefully I'll figure out how to keep my stomach under control between now and then)!

 

And honestly, I think the course was longer than 13.1 miles since I started my phone about 5 feet from the starting pad and stopped it about 20 feet from the finish pad.  Every time I tried to map the route on Google Maps, I kept coming up with 13.48.  Other people I know that had their GPS trackers on ended up with close to the same distance as me, so I'm sticking to my theory that it was about .3 miles longer. 

 

Oh well, either way it was a successful first half marathon in that I finished and I set a good, realistic goal for myself. 

 

I told my mom that I'm not sure I'll do another half after I do the Monster Dash in October, but I also said I would never do anything more than a 10K after I finished the 10K last November.

 

In just under a year's time, I went from barely making it through my very first 5K with a time of 38:32 weighing 285 pounds, to running a half marathon in 3:01:20 weighing 244 pounds.  Numerically, it is slow progress, but mentally, I have overcome barriers that I never thought I would get past.   

 

There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to do any of this if it wasn't for the strength and hope that I find in an Amazing God.  He has given me a resolve to get this done.  To make a better me and do it for His glory, and I felt so incredibly blessed today as I was out there on that course that he would be so good to me.

 

I repeated these verses in my head over and over before and during the race

 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV

If he found joy in dying a horrible death for me, surely I can find joy in having the strength and endurance to run 13.1 miles while kicking a lifetime of obesity to the curb.  I have been changed and no matter how slowly I may lose the weight or run the race, my mind has been transformed and I am a stronger and healthier person than I have ever been before.  Today, I am finding joy in slow, because in that slowness comes a whole lot of time to reflect on how blessed I am.