Begin Again

I don't know how many times you can begin again.  

I feel like that is all I ever do on this journey is begin, but there is never any finishing.  

I suppose that is a good thing.  There really is no arrival point, no end, no finish when you are addicted to food, but there is always a chance to begin, over and over, again and again.  I think the finish only comes when you stop having the desire to begin again, and then it isn't even really a finish but rather a defeat.

So here I am, staring 2015 in the face and ready to begin.  It isn't a New Year's Resolution.  I would be doing this even if the new year weren't coming with the sunrise.  I'm not one for resolutions, but I do like goals. 


I took a look back at my goals for 2014, which I didn't call goals, but instead, opportunities.  I won't rehash the specifics in this post, but they were perfect peace, write, food and obedience.  I will call 2014 a success in the area of writing and obedience, but this year I need to work more on the other two.


I actually hadn't even remembered that I had specifically called out obedience in 2014, but when I look back over the year, if I were going to pick one word to sum it up, it would be obedience.  I mean, running a marathon because God told me to when I didn't think I could was a HUGE step of obedience.  It is very rewarding to look back and know that when I trusted God and followed, he pulled through for me. 


I don't feel any strong sense of direction for what God has planned for me next, but I hope that I can continue on the path of obedience because His plans are so much better than mine.


For 2015, I have three areas I'd like to focus on, two of them are repeats as I suspect they always will be.


Food
Yep, it is my enemy. I'm re-reading Made to Crave because I've fallen back into some old patterns and need to get my head right around food again.  I read it back in 2012 when I started this journey and I figured it was time to revisit.  It has been very helpful already.  I started Weight Watchers after Thanksgiving because I am up 20 pounds from my lowest point.  I'd very much like to be under or right around 200 pounds (50 pounds to lose) when I run the Twin Cities Marathon in October 2015.  I had such an amazing experience running last year that I couldn't fathom not doing it again.  I'm so excited to see how God is going to work through the team this year.  I want to make sure I'm fueling my body in the best way possible to do the things that I feel like God is calling me to do, which right now, happens to be running.


Running
I'm beginning again here to.  I don't need to restart because I've stopped, I've run at least twice a week since finishing the marathon with the exception of a few weeks recently to try and heal a back/hip issue.  However, in finding the cause of my pain, it was determined that I need to change my stride and my cadence, which has been really difficult for me, so I decided to start over.  I'm re-doing the Couch to 5K at a faster pace than I did last time in hopes that it will boost me towards a faster overall pace and a faster marathon next year.  I honestly don't care what my finish time is for the marathon, but I desperately want my training runs to be faster!  So I'm re-building my base, something I had planned on doing a couple of times before but then always signed up for a longer distance race and put that to the side.  So I'm taking this winter to run shorter distances and work towards a faster pace.  When I say fast, I mean fast for me.  I'm aiming for 10:00 minute miles consistently.  This is a big jump, but I feel like I have the capacity to do it, I just haven't pushed myself hard enough.


Joy/Peace
This will probably be one of those things that is always on my list to improve.  I have a really hard time choosing joy and I am prone to over analyze and worry about every little thing.  My body is showing many signs of being over-stressed and I need to start taking better care of myself in this area.  I think taking care of this will help with the food area as well, so it is pretty much the base for everything else.  It is really hard for me to trust God in the day to day things, I like to make sure I have it under control, and I really just need to stop.  My default setting is to look at the negative and find everything that is wrong (with me, not others) and I need to start focusing on the good things.  (Do you ever feel like I say the same things over and over?  I do, and I know I've said this before.)




So that is where my focus will be.  Now, how about looking back at 2014? 

2014 Year in Review (with lots of pictures)

Here are my ten favorite things from 2014.

1) I finished a marathon.  Seriously.  I still get misty eyed when I drive somewhere on the route or think about it.  I never thought this was a possibility for me.  God is amazing.

I'm going to share this here, because this is the not so pretty part of running a marathon, but it is a battle scar I'm proud of.  This is the ginormous blister I ran with from mile 10 on.  It took about three weeks to heal. I'm also pretty sure my big toenail on the opposite foot is going to be falling off sometime soon....but so very worth it.

 2) I have a new position at work.  I struggled with being a mom with a career outside of the home for a while, but I feel like I have found my sweet spot and I love what I do and I'm not going to apologize for that.

3) My oldest kiddo started Kindergarten.  I love how much she is blossoming.

   
4) We took a really fun family trip to Duluth in November and I had a great run along Lake Superior.

5) I went sledding with the kiddos.  SO MUCH FUN!  I couldn't have done this when I was in the 300's.

6) I rolled down the hill at Harriet Island with the kiddos a couple of times.  It was fabulous, despite almost losing my lunch.  I can't get the video to embed, but you can watch it here http://youtu.be/E7GLXL1TN7s

 
7) We went hiking A LOT this summer and fall, it was splendid.





8) I actually liked the way I looked one day despite being up 20 pounds from where I started the year.

9) I allowed myself to be vulnerable and ran with some of my fellow Team World Vision teammates on training runs.  I knew they would have to slow their pace to run with me, and I never wanted anyone to do that for me, but I finally caved and they sacrificed and it was amazing.  I love them all very much.

10) I started a new blog (www.reticenceunveiled.com) where I pretty much only talk about things that make me a bit uncomfortable to talk about.  Like how broken I am and how amazing Jesus is.  I hope to do more of that in 2015.

You want to know what is really awesome, I probably could have kept going.  I don't know that I've ever been able to pick out so many awesome things from one year before.  2014 has been life changing and I'm a little bit sad to see it go, but I'm also very excited for 2015 and all of the new beginnings it brings. 

Happy New Year!

The Butt of the Joke

You would think after 33 years of being laughed at and whispered about, that I would be used to it.  That it would no longer sting.  That I'd be strong enough to make it through without tears.  That I'd be able to look at the progress I've made and stare naysayers in the face with pride.  I thought so too, until it happened.


My family made a little 5th birthday celebration trip to Edgewater Hotel & Waterpark in Duluth, MN.  We traveled up on Friday, checked in early and spent the evening in the waterpark.  Even though I'm still not proud of or happy with the appearance of my body, I confidently wore my bathing suit as I played with my kiddos.  I enjoyed everything the waterpark had to offer, I climbed all the stairs to the tall slides and screamed and giggled my way down them.  Saturday morning, I woke up bright and early, rolled out of bed at 6:30 and threw on my running gear and headed out the door for an early morning run along Lake Superior.  I wasn't planning on more than 3 miles, but it was beautiful and I was enjoying myself, so I did 5.3 miles.  It wasn't fast, but I loved running again, and I haven't been able to say that for the last two months.  

When I got back to the hotel, I joined my family in the waterpark to have some morning fun before checkout.  We had fun, came back to the room, packed up and headed out to do some exploring. 



We enjoyed lunch at Betty's Pies, a frozen Gooseberry Falls, Bentleyville and beautiful lights at Bentleyville.  We ended our time in Duluth with a quick dinner before heading home and that is when a little conversation with my son quickly turned an excellent day into a super emotional moment, it went something like this:


Me: What's up buddy? (to my 4, now 5 year old son who was looking quite pensive)
Ray: When you were going down the green slide today some kids were laughing at your butt and that made me sad.
Me: I'm sorry that they made you sad buddy, but I hope you still had fun (fighting as hard as I could to hold back tears)


I was sorry.  Sorry that he had to hear it.  Sorry that he had spent the last 8 hours thinking about it.  Sorry that he had a mom who's butt was the butt of a joke.  Sorry that my life's choices  had caused him pain.


I know that a couple of kids laughing at my butt is trivial.  I know that kids are jerks.  I know that I am making progress, but it still really hurt to see how much it hurt my son. 


I wanted to go back and find them and tell them that I ran a marathon a couple of months ago, that my butt used to be a whole lot bigger, that I just ran 5 miles that morning....but they weren't the ones that needed to hear it, I was.


I needed the reminder that even though my butt is still big, it is filled with muscles that powered this 247 pound body through 26.2 miles.  I needed the reminder that even though it is big, it is much smaller than it used to be.  I needed the reminder that I need to keep fighting, I can't give up on this fight even though I don't have much fight left in me.  I needed to remind my kids that it is never ok to make fun of the way that someone looks, talks, walks, learns....it is just never ok to make fun of someone, period. (If you haven't reminded your kids of this lately, please do.)


So I reminded myself that even though it hurt, it does not define me.  It gave me the motivation I needed to continue this journey with more than half of an ass, which is about all I have given it lately.


I unfroze my gym membership tonight and started weight training again.  I looked back at my weight progress and realized that when I had gotten down to my lowest weight so far in all of this, 225, I was lifting weights at least 3 days a week, so I'm hoping that it will help me get back on track again.  But this is such a small piece of the battle for me.


The battle comes every time I find myself starting into the fridge, cupboard or drive thru menu.  I've been trying to figure out why I am so prone to turning to food rather than God when I feel any emotion.  What is it that I think I'm getting from food that I can't seem to get from God.  It is absolutely an instant gratification/relief thing for me.  I turn to food because getting answers from God always takes a lot more time than I want to wait.  The satisfaction from food always turns into guilt, so I know in the long run that it isn't going to give me what I'm looking for, but when it seems like I'm on the verge of completely falling apart, food gets me through, and I need to break this cycle. 


So that is that.  This journey is hard, I keep hoping it will get easier, that some day everything will just click and I won't have to keep fighting, but I don't think that day will ever come.  I pray that I'll always have the strength to keep fighting.
 

Pressing On

Hey, remember me?!?


I'm still here.  I've been doing much more blogging at my other blog, www.reticenceunveiled.com, because that is where my head has been.  If you haven't checked it out yet, I'd love you to give it a read.  I definitely pour a lot more of my heart out related to my faith there than I typically do here...so give it a shot if you have the time.


If you do read that, you know that I recently finished my first marathon, which is insane.  Despite training for a marathon, I have found myself about 20 pounds heavier than my lowest weight so far on this journey. 

I tell myself that some of it is muscle.  Some of it is needing to have more fuel to power my body through long runs.  Some of it is stress.  All of those things have contributed to the 20 pounds gained, but, if I'm honest with myself, it is 20 pounds of weight gained because I stopped caring enough about the food I was putting into my body.


So here we are.  It is time to refocus, get my head back in the game so to speak and get the rest of this stinking weight off. 


In order to stay focused on eating well, I set a restriction for myself, which would probably seem a bit silly to anyone else, but it is something I think I needed to do.


I made a rule that I'm not allowed to train for or enter any races above a 10K unless the first number on the scale is a 1.  This might seem counter intuitive, but it isn't.  I can assure you.


After I ran my first half marathon last year, I fell in love with training for longer races.  Yes, I hate it when I'm in the thick of it, but when I complete the race and look back, I'm always incredibly proud of the work I have put into it.  Somewhere along the way, I started loving running more than losing weight and eating healthy, and I can't be the runner or the person I want to be unless I start eating better and lose the rest of this weight.  Training for longer races has given me an excuse to treat myself to unhealthy foods far too frequently.  I am REALLY good at finding an excuse to eat more, and I need to give that up. 


The minute I decided this, all I wanted to do was sign up for the Monster Dash Half Marathon and the Polar Dash 15 Mile Race.  I want to be running longer distances badly, so when I finally reach the point where I feel like I'm under control, it is going to be a great reward to actually sign up and train for a longer race.  As of today, 48 pounds stand between me and a half marathon training plan.  I'm going to try really hard to have this completely by Mid-April so I can be ready to ramp up my training in the spring.  


I don't regret focusing on running because completing a marathon with Team World Vision was probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life, but I know that I don't want it to be my only marathon, and the only way my feet are going to make it through another one is if they are carrying significantly less weight.


For the first time in a long time, I feel like my husband and I are in the same place with our health related goals, so I'm hoping we'll be able to work together and both make some progress.  We set a goal of running the Twin Cities 10 Mile race together next October.


So that is that.  I'm hoping to have at least weekly updates, maybe more, as I get back to business and finish what I started.  I'm hoping to maybe share some recipes that I'm enjoying and some things that have been helpful and not so helpful as I continue on.  


Thanks for reading after not having anything to read for quite a while.  I hope you'll stick around, I'm looking forward to the journey! 


Ok, that is a lie, I really am not looking forward to denying myself the food I love to eat, but I've got to start somewhere, right?  I'm looking forward to being honest about it at least.    

The F Word

Hola!


I'm still here, I just haven't had much to report in the whole weight loss area as of late.  If anything, I'd say things have been the reverse of the title of this blog.  I wouldn't say that my faith is shrinking, but my size definitely isn't.


I haven't gone crazy, but I am up 15 pounds from where I had been at the end of last summer and I'm getting really frustrated.  I shouldn't be all that frustrated because I haven't been trying all that hard, but at the same time, I don't feel like I'm so out of control that a 15 pound gain is warranted. 


I keep trying to get back on track, but I'm having a heck of a time.  This is going to be a lifelong struggle for me and I'm trying to accept that there will be ups and downs and I'm not giving up.


I'm training for a marathon and so far that has been going pretty well.  I did 14 miles last Friday.  I'm following the Jeff Galloway training plan and doing run/walk/run intervals of 5 minutes running and 1 minute walking.


That is about all that is happening with me. 


This morning something happened with my daughter that I knew would happen eventually, but it came up out of the blue and I wasn't at all prepared for it, although I don't know that anything could have prepared me for it.


As we were getting ready to head out the door for work/daycare, she decided at the last minute that she wanted to wear her tennis shoes instead of her flip flops.  Since we were in a hurry, I was helping her out so that we could get going.  She sat on the couch and I sat next to her, we got her socks on and as she switched legs, she looked down and said, "Look mom, I made a 4 with my legs".  I said, "Yeah, you did, that is pretty cool."  Then she said, "but it is a fat 4 because my legs are pretty fat". 


My heart sank down farther than I knew it even could.  The word that we have avoided using at all costs in our home came out of her mouth.  We have been so careful.  I have been so focused on making this entire journey about being healthy, not about being smaller.  We have focused on eating healthy foods and getting exercise because that is what our body needs.  We haven't used that word to describe anyone or anything because I just don't feel like it is necessary.  I knew instantly that the only place that this could have come from was another kid.


I quickly said to her, "Honey, your legs are STRONG!  You have big muscles so that you can run fast.  God made you to be just the way you are."  Then I asked her who told her that and she confirmed that it was a friend from pre-school.  I held it together and gave her as much affirmation as I could possibly muster, but the minute we got in the car I lost it.


Yes, my little girl is bigger than she should be and it kills me to know that I'm responsible for that.  We have been so careful to make sure that our kids have healthy eating habits.  I do my very best to ensure that they have healthy snacks and plenty of fruits and vegetables.  I do everything in my power to keep them active, the only time I let them watch TV is if I'm on the treadmill or I need to take a shower.  I'm not pumping her full of sugar and sitting her in front of the TV all day, and yet, she is big, just like me, and I hate that.  But she is strong, she is active and she loves to eat healthy foods. 


I refuse to let her be reduced to a three letter word like I was.  I never believed that I was anything more than fat until I was well into my 20's and I want so much more for her.  She is smart, funny, determined, compassionate, intelligent, thoughtful, joyful, artistic and generous and I need to do my very best to make sure that she knows those things above ALL.


Parents, if you have young children, please, teach them that people are so much more than how they look.  Adults, if you still think it is ok to laugh at or ridicule people who are overweight, especially if they are taking action to change that, for the love of all things holy, STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE!  (This happened to my husband recently, so it is still pretty fresh, sorry for the language.) You would think that by the time a person reached adulthood that they would realize that there is no value or humor in tearing down another person, but there are still far to many who do it.


Encouragement goes a long way, if you know someone who could use some, throw it out there.  When you reach the point in life where you realize that it is far more beneficial to lift others up rather than tear them down, you realize just how much fun it is to love other people. 


So get out there and spread some love, I guarantee you there are plenty of people out there who need some.

Do You Know What It's Like to Be a Fat Girl?

A blogger that I follow, A Small Loss, had a post answering questions that a couple of women answered recently in Cosmopolitan.  I thought they were interesting and I am surprised how different the answers can be.  I thought I'd go ahead an answer them as well, and since I'm coming off of what seems like a week long binge, I am feeling very much like a fat girl today.




How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?


This depends entirely on who is complaining and what the situation is.  Often times, it really doesn't bother me, everyone has their "fat days" and complaining just makes things better some times, or at the least, lets others know that you aren't ok with where you are now.  Occasionally, it really irritates me.  If I see someone who is currently in the "normal" range for their BMI or even underweight complain about being fat or needing to lose 5-10 pounds, I wonder what they think about me.  Sometimes, I feel kind of sad for them because I realize that sometimes, no matter how thin you are, it is never enough.  I think everyone is looking to be the perfect size where they can finally feel "happy", and I have realized that this will never happen.  Happiness isn't going to come when the scale reaches a certain point or you can fit into a certain size, it has to be found elsewhere.

How has your body image changed since high school? College? 

Mine has changed pretty substantially since high school and college.  I weigh less now than I did in high school and college.  I was around 240 in high school if I remember correctly and around 260-280 in college and now I'm around 230.  My hips have widened and I have a bigger belly, but I am wearing a smaller size....I don't really understand it, but it is what it is.  I am stronger, faster and healthier than I was then.  Running a mile in high school was complete torture for me, and I willingly ran 2 half marathons last summer, so there is that.

Have you tried dieting? What happened? 




Other than Weight Watchers in 5th grade and the South Beach Diet after college, I wouldn't really say that I've tried dieting.  I lost weight when I did both of those, but I only stayed committed for a few months and the weight always came back on.  I've had the most success this time around by just changing the way I eat entirely  I cut out regular Soda, cut back on portions and try to get more veggies and lean meats. 


Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?  

I think it is partly genetic.  My dad's family is made up of big people.  Not necessarily fat, just big, strong, German folks.

Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?

I think my body is physically healthy, but I think healthy means different things to many different people.  If we're looking clearly from a medical perspective, my body is healthy.  My cholesterol, glucose levels and blood pressure are all great.  My heart, which was thoroughly examined in November, is also in great condition.  My resting pulse is 50.  All things point to healthy, until I step on the scale.


Mentally and emotionally, at this point, I would say I am not healthy.  I've been having quite the time with depression and anxiety lately, and I still feel like my relationship with food is not healthy.

Are your parents both supportive of you at the weight you’re at? Have they always been? 




My dad never really says much, but I never felt like he wasn't supportive.  My mom has always been supportive of me losing weight.


How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-size people? 
Realize that not all plus-size people are extremely wealthy or enjoy wearing floral/animal prints.  Also, not all plus-size women have gigantic boobs, and most plus size clothing is huge in the boob area.  I despise shopping for clothes because most plus size clothing is shapeless and I may as well put a colored burlap sack on.  Also, please give us options other than skinny jeans.  Some plus size girls might be able to rock them, but this girl just can't make it work.

Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men are? How?




Yes, but I've never been a plus size man, so I guess I really can't speak to that.  It seems like their clothing choices are a bit more normal and people don't encourage them to lose weight as much as women are encouraged to lose weight.  Also, I feel like women are more prone to date plus sized men than men are to date plus size women. 


Do you think there’s an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?




Yes.  I think people assume that we're all sitting on our ass in front of the computer/tv stuffing our faces full of food.  My pediatrician thinks my daughter, who was lucky enough to be blessed with my body type, just sits around watching tv all day long.


I run half marathons.  I exercise 4-5 times a week.  Most days, I do a pretty decent job watching what I put in my mouth, and yet, here I am, a size 16/18 and it is unlikely that I will ever be much smaller. 


Just realize that we aren't all lazy.  Some are, some aren't.  Treat us as individuals.


Do you think there’s ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight? 




Only if you know them and love them deeply, and even then, I think it needs to be done very carefully.  All I ever knew was that I wasn't good enough the way I was and that I could be so much better if I just lost some weight.  It is defeating and creates a lot of self-hate.  It is very hard to break through this and change your identity.


What are the worst things people have said to you about your body? 




I think the worst thing that I've heard about my body was when I was 40 weeks 5 days pregnant with my first child and a doctor told me that it was going to be risky to have a baby no matter how they came out....really awesome to hear when delivery is imminent. 


Other people have called me shamu, thunder thighs, a beached whale.  Some people have oinked or called me a pig. 


I've had random things yelled to me as I have been running or walking outside, I have no idea what they said, but making fun of someone who is trying to get healthy is a really big slap in the face.

What have people said (or do you wish they’d say) that would compliment your body or appearance?




Nothing at all.  I don't like compliments.  It is nice when people I haven't seen for a while recognize that I have lost weight, but it still makes me uncomfortable. 

Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?




No.  I've always just hung out with people I got along with.


When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?




Back in high school and college, not a lot of guys were interested in dating a fat girl.  It takes a man comfortable enough with himself to date a girl who he can't flaunt around on his arm for her looks, and they are few and far between.  I compromised my standards and beliefs quite frequently in order to find someone who would be willing to date me.  It was never about dating someone I liked, it was always just about finding someone who was willing to date me. 

No news and New news

Two months without a post....kind of says a lot all in itself. 


My dear husband keeps reminding me that I should probably write something.  He's right, I should. 


If you haven't given up on me and you are still hanging around out there waiting to hear from me, thank you!


This winter has been kicking my butt.  I think this is the first winter I have endured in Minnesota where I have thoughtfully considered moving to someplace warmer (Charlotte, NC in case anyone is wondering) and seen the allure of a warm weather vacation.  Between the ridiculously cold weather in January and the snow and sickness that February brought us, I've hit my threshold.  It happened Wednesday night as I was driving the older two home from swimming lessons and I was trying to stop at a stop light when the van started sliding sideways on these wonderful streets that could double as ice rinks.  The thought of waking up, getting the kids in all their winter gear and driving on these horrible roads for one more day was more than I could stomach....but here we are, pressing on.


February was a complete wash in terms of exercise/eating well.  Between a strain of influenza that wasn't covered by the vaccination and a wonderful case of gastroenteritis, I think there was a total of 10 days the entire month where I even felt capable of doing anything other than existing.  My muscles are weak but my spirit is weaker.  I eeked out a four mile run on the treadmill this morning and every single second of it was brutal.  I miss running outside.


Since November, I have really made no effort to lose any weight.  I have eaten what I wanted.  I have indulged many a times.  However, my weight has stayed between 230 and 235, so I'm calling it a victory.  I'm not ready to be in maintenance mode, I would still really like to be below 200, but I'm really ok with it taking a while to get there.


I was thinking today about how so many people talk about losing weight to be healthy, but I think if they are honest, they would admit that it is much more about looking good than health.  For someone like me who has been obese their entire life and has to lose more than 50% of their max body weight to even be considered "normal", it absolutely has to be about being healthy, because looking good or even looking healthy is never going to happen.  I will carry with me forever the reminder that I used to weight 355 pounds (385 pregnant) in the lose, saggy, disgusting folds of skin that are leftover.  I think I have cried more in dressing rooms now than I ever did when I was 100 pounds heavier.  I've worked my butt off, the sizes have dropped and still, nothing looks "right".  Yes, it is great to be healthy, it is great to be active, but it would also be really great to actually see the body that is hiding beneath everything that is left over.  It has to be about health, or I would have given up by now.


God has still been doing a number on my heart.  Most of the reason that I haven't written lately is because there is so much going on inside of my head.  I am having a really hard time forming clear enough thoughts to even compose lately because things are swirling around so much.  My thoughts about and what it means to be a Christian have changed so drastically over the past four months and God just keeps opening up my eyes to things I haven't seen before.  I have been devouring books, sermons and The Word lately and I just can't seem to get enough.  Through all of this, I really felt that God has been calling me to start another blog.  I won't stop blogging here, but I got a very strong sense that he wanted me to take a different direction with another blog that was strictly about Jesus, Love and The Kingdom.  It still scares the crap out of me to talk so openly about the things that I feel like he is calling me to talk about, but I'm doing my best to be obedient.  If you are interested, you can check it out here, www.reticenceunveiled.com


 Like I said, I have struggled to find the ability to form complete thoughts/sentences lately, so it might be a slow start, but I have a notebook full of potential blog posts that have come to me in the middle of the night or right as I'm trying to fall asleep. 


We have declared March the "re-do, re-do" month around here.  We all need a fresh start.  I'm hoping to start actually eating food that is better for me and for everyone else around here as well.  So hopefully, with that, will come some weight loss progress and some new updates.


Thanks for reading!






 

There is Hope

Wow, 2014 is off to a great start.

I got up bright and early and headed off to the Polar Dash with two of my favorite people, my sister in law, Suzi, and her husband, Gary.  It was so nice to have such great company prior to the race and after the race, and even at the couple of points where we saw each other for a thumbs up or high five during the race.  Running is so much better with friends and family.

To say it was cold is a bit of an understatement.  I took my gloves off for about 60 seconds to get something situated and my fingers were painfully frozen.  Thank God for portable heaters and Hot Hands.

I went into the race with no expectations at all.  I was excited about running and just enjoying a great start to 2014.  We headed to the starting line at 8:58, hoping to stay in the warmish parking garage up until the very last minute.  We were headed on our way shortly after making it there.  Waiting for a race to start goes much faster when you have people to chat with :-)

 Waiting for the race to start

 



I started the race feeling really good.  I focused on starting slow.  I let a whole lot of people go by me as I just kept my pace.  I made it to the 1 mile mark and my phone told me I was going around a 12:59 pace, which was right where I wanted to be.  Shortly after the 1 mile mark, I saw a gentleman sauntering slowly wearing a jacket that said "Yesh Tikveh Gives Hope, I am Healthy, I am Strong."

 

I wasn't sure what Yesh Tikveh meant, but I told myself it was Hebrew for one of the names of God.  In that moment, as I was running, I stopped to thank God that I was healthy and strong enough to be running a 10K in the frigid cold.  I spent most of mile 2, which is always the hardest for me, praising and thanking God for all of the blessings in my life, all of the things that I often take for granted.

 

This corresponded so well with my Bible Study from this morning.  I spent some time in Deuteronomy 8 this morning as part of my Nehemiah study.  One of the verses that really stuck out to me, and a large focus on the study today, was about remembering to be thankful to God for everything in our life.  Nothing we have is of our own doing.  EVERYTHING comes from God.

 

And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the  Lord  your God for the good land he has given you. Deuteronomy 8:10

It is no secret that I have a really hard time being thankful.  I am much more prone to focus on the negative aspects in my life.  In that moment, I decided that 2014 was going to be a year of thanks.  I AM healthy, I AM strong.  I have so much to be thankful for.  God has blessed me immensely, and I need to do a much better job of thanking him for it.

Every time I wanted to walk or things got hard, I just kept repeating, I am healthy, I am strong, thank you God, WE have got this.

The minute things started to go south for me during the Monster Dash and the months following was when I started taking credit for my training and the preparation I had done.  Today, I knew that I needed God to get me through this race.  What a difference that made.

As the faster runners made the turn at the 3 mile mark and started coming back towards us, I cheered them on.  I noticed that rather than slowing down, like I normally would at that point, I was actually speeding up.  I started to get kind of nervous, as every time my phone told me my average pace as mile markers went on, it was getting faster.  I didn't know how I could sustain that, but God had big plans for me today.

A while before I made it to the turnaround, I saw Gary heading back and he was looking good, we gave each other a thumbs up and kept running.  Shortly after the turnaround, I saw Suzi, and we high fived each other.  So much love! 

When we finally made it to mile 5 and my pace was still faster, I knew that I had this.  I gave that last 1.2 miles everything I had.  I was passing people.  I NEVER pass people. 

As I neared the finish, I saw the timer and it said 1:16, and I BOOKED it.

My goal for the race, before I ended up with all the crazy stress related chest pains and had to take a couple of weeks off, was 1:18:00.  I didn't think there was any way I was going to accomplish that today.

But I did.

There is hope. 

11:52 minute miles.  That is UNHEARD of for me.  That is a faster average pace than my personal best 5K (12:09), which was the Polar Dash from last year. My splits were ridiculous.

This was not me.  This couldn't have been me.  My legs felt strong.  I was smiling the entire time and I felt joy.  I was enjoying running again for the first time in a long time.  God was running with me today because I asked him to and I actually let him for a change.

When I got home, I googled Yesh Tikveh because I was really curious what it meant.  I found this website - http://yeshtikveh.com/index.html

Turns out, the guy I saw, was a 61 year old who used to be a body builder and then suffered a disabling stroke.  He was doing the 14 miler today because God give him hope and he wants to share that hope with other stroke and head injury victims.  I was so impressed with his tenacity, I sent him a quick e-mail to thank him for the best race of my life.  If I hadn't seen him, I can't say things would have gone the same way.

There is hope.  2014 is going to be a good year.