More than Conquerors

Five years ago today, I heard the most terrifying words that have ever been spoken to me.  I was at my 40 week, 4 day prenatal appointment, pregnant with my first child.  The appointment was with a doctor who I had never seen before.  The only thing I remember about the appointment was her saying to me "No matter how this baby comes out, it is going to be dangerous due to your weight."  I didn't like her very much. 

On the list of things you should never say to a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant, this is somewhere near the top.

For the last nine months I'd been going to all my appointments, passing every single test with flying colors.  My pregnancy had been completely uncomplicated.  No one had ever cautioned me about this detail until this point.  It devastated me.

It is a good thing James was with me because I was nearly inconsolable.  I had planned on going to work after my appointment, but with those words, I called my boss and told her I just couldn't handle coming in anymore.  We went to cast our absentee ballots for the 2008 presidential election and picked up some pumpkins to carve.  We got back home and I spent the rest of the day on the couch watching Gilmore Girls and James headed to work later that afternoon.

Around 6:00pm, I got a call from James telling me not to go into labor that night because he didn't feel well.  I called him shortly afterwards to tell him I was sorry, but I was pretty sure we would be heading to the hospital that night.

The next 24 hours were by far the most painful and difficult 24 hours I've ever endured.  A planned natural labor quickly changed course with the first few waves of back labor (which we later found out was due to a large sunny side up baby).  I have never felt more helpless in my life.  I HATED relying on people helping me move from side to side, especially when I knew how much weight they were moving around.  I was ashamed.  It should have been the most beautiful experience in the world, but all I could think about was how much pain I was in and how big I was.  That doctor I mentioned....she just happened to be the doctor on call the evening I delivered, it was most definitely a trick.  The only treat on October 31, 2008 was my beautiful, 9lb 8oz baby GIRL with the most wonderful head of hair.  I didn't get to spend much time with her before they whisked her away to the NICU due to chorioamnionitis (which could have been prevented if my lovely clinic had more than one doctor covering two hospitals), but I was instantly in love with my Aurelia Marcille. 

The delivery and first couple of days after having my wonderful daughter who will celebrate 5 years of life tomorrow were pivotal in my life.  I knew that if I was going to be the mother that she needed and deserved, if I was going to have any part of changing history and ensuring that she wouldn't endure the same name calling and body image issues, I needed to make a big change.  Big changes are hard to make when you have a newborn and find yourself pregnant again 4 months after giving birth, but I didn't give up.  I was bound and determined to be better than I was.  

It has taken five years, and it will probably take one or two more, but I am making progress.  I am becoming a mom that these three kiddos can look up to and learn from.  I am a mom that they see running and finishing half marathons even if it is hard and even if I am slow.  They see work being done and they have taken notice. 

I never knew that becoming a mom would have changed me so much.  I never knew that having three small children would give me the motivation I needed to win a battle that I'd been fighting my entire life.  I never expected that I'd start to love myself when I had three other little people to love non-stop. 

I'm thankful for the words that once terrified me, they have now turned into words that will keep me fighting for my health forever.  To that doctor, I was simply an obese woman waiting to have a baby, and for a while, I believed that.  With God's help, I have learned that I am so much more.  I have accomplished things that I never thought were possible through his strength and mercy.  

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:37-39, ESV

If you are struggling with something and think you can't possibly conquer it on your own, I urge you to turn to the one who made you, the one who makes all things possible, the one who defeated death.  NOTHING you have done or will do could ever prevent him from loving you.  He has victory over all things and he is living inside of you...you just need to ask him for help.  His timing might not match yours, but His is always better than you could ever imagine.  

 

They just let you walk out the door...

 

 1st Birthday

 

2nd Birthday

 

 3rd Birthday

 



 4th Birthday

 

Almost 5th Birthday

2013 Monster Dash Race Report

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that yesterday didn't go as well as I had hoped.  It was a really rough race for me, mentally and physically.  My goal of finishing under 3:00 didn't happen, I came in at 3:03:41 (my first half was 3:01:20).

Yes, I finished.  Yes, I ran with an amazing team and helped raise money for 26 people.  Yes, I ran while I was fighting a cold.  Yes, I am still frustrated and a little bit sad.....and if I have learned anything while working with our therapist over the past couple of months, it is that I am allowed to feel the way I feel, even if it isn't the way I "should" be feeling.

When you train hard for 12 whole weeks and put in the work to improve your time and then everything your body knew about running seems to completely vanish at the start of the race, it is a hard thing to accept.

I was prepared, but for whatever reason, it just wasn't my day.  

I don't know if it was the Sudafed I had to take just so I could breathe out of my nose, the fact that I was fighting a cold, or that my head just couldn't seem to get in it yesterday, but it was rough.

Around 6:45am I headed downtown to park and walk to the Cathedral for our Team World Vision (TWV from here on out) picture.  I was really thankful when I realized that I was pulling into the parking garage right behind a friend and fellow TWV runner.  We walked the .6 miles to the Cathedral and found a place to hang out hidden from the wind and watched the sun come up over St. Paul from the steps of the Cathedral, it was a great way to start the morning.  Members from TWV slowly started gathering and eventually there was a whole lot of orange on the steps.  We lined up for a picture followed by a pep talk and rally clap.  I LOVED being part of this team - it was an honor to run with people who run for a reason. 

Here is the entire TWV group

After the picture, we still had quite a bit of time to kill before the race.  I saw some of my fellow White Bear Lake Campus team members and chatted with them for a bit before heading to the bathroom and bag drop and eventually into the starting chute to start mentally preparing myself.

I found the 3:00 pacer and planned to stick by him for the first half of the race.  8:30 finally came and I was ready to go, but there were issues with the timing mat so the start was slightly delayed and we didn't get going until 8:45.  I WAS FREEZING!  I should have waited a little bit before dropping my jacket or worn more layers that I could shed because I never warmed up. 

As we crossed the starting line, I tried to keep the pacer in sight.  I was being so intentional about staring slowly and felt like I was doing a pretty decent job since I was staying with the pacer and I was also behind a woman that I remember following for most of the Minneapolis Half Marathon (she has a very distinct stride so I remembered her immediately).  We hit the 1 mile mark and I glanced at my watch and my pace was around 12:30, which was faster than I wanted to be at that point.  I thought I slowed myself down, but we got to mile 2 and I was still right around the same pace.  2 miles in I already had to pee and I was really thirsty and I started to feel a little bit dizzy, I checked my heart rate and it read 208 (my average for long runs has been in the 147-157 range)....I knew then that this was going to be rough.  I'm blaming the Sudafed for all of it. 

I grabbed some water at mile 3 and contemplated stopping to use the bathroom but the line was really long and I didn't want to wait, I decided to keep going and hoped that the crowd would be thinned out a bit by the next stop and I wouldn't have to wait as long.  We headed to mile 5 and the down hill portion was underway, I should have been feeling good, but still had to pee and it was all I could think about.  There was another water stop and restrooms at mile 5...again, the line was REALLY long and I didn't want to wait so I kept going.  It was at this point that my lungs started to burn and my calves started to cramp.  I have never cramped while running before.  I slowed it down a bit and kept running, knowing that James and the kiddos were going to be waiting around mile 6.  I spotted them from pretty far behind and fought back the tears as I got closer.  I gave some high five's to my sister and her husband and gave the kids a hug and told James through tears as I left, "I started too fast, pray".  He gave me an assuring, "you'll be fine" and I continued on my way.

I made it to around mile 6.25 before I completely hit the infamous wall.  I stopped to take a brief walking break because I started to feel like I was going to puke and was still feeling really dizzy.  There was a water/potty stop around mile 6.5 and I finally decided to stop because the line wasn't as bad as they had been and I needed to refuel.  I had a few of my Honey Stinger Chews while I waited in line and I watched the minutes go by on my watch while the line didn't move.  After waiting for four minutes with very little progress in the line, I decided to just keep going and stop at the next one.

The next 6.6 miles were filled with tears, frustration and defeat, but there were still some moments of beauty where God decided to remind me that he was still with me even though I felt as though I had entered some layer of hell.  I am quite certain that if I hadn't been running this race for a bigger purpose and as part of a team, I would have called it quits somewhere along the way.  Around mile 7.5 a man in a clown wig came up next to me and started talking, I pulled out my ear buds so I could hear him and realized he was talking about my orange shoelaces (the reward for raising $500 for TWV) and how great they were.  I glanced at his feet and realized that he also had them.  He didn't have a jersey on, but this guy was on my team.  He gave me a few more words of comfort and wisdom, told me to have a great race and was on his way.  I put my ear buds back in and Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) was on.  I immediately knew that God had orchestrated that moment.  I knew that all across the course, there were runners before me and runners behind me that were all part of God's army, maybe not angels, but all there for the same purpose.  My path was filled with love and grace, no matter how horrible it got for me. 

He gave me the strength I needed to keep going and I finally made it to a bathroom with only 4 people in line at mile 9.5 and decided to stop.  Another TWV member joined me and we chatted for a while, trying to offer each other encouragement when it was obvious that we were both completely drained.  I did my business and headed on my way after offering some parting encouragement for my fellow TWV runner.  The 10 mile finish line was really tempting and I contemplated just calling it quits there, but ultimately decided to keep going.  I had run a couple of training runs on the last stretch of the race so I was familiar with what was ahead of me and knew I could do it.  Every time I passed a mile marker sign I checked my watch to try and figure out what I would have to do to meet my goal and every time I looked, my sub 3:00 time slipped further and further from my grasp. 

I tore out my ear buds around mile 11 when I realized that my music seemed to frustrate me more than it was helping me.  I wasn't able to focus and I knew that if I was going to finish this thing, I needed to spend the rest of the race in prayer.  Seeing the mile 13 mark and the finish line was the most beloved vision I have ever seen in my life.  I gave everything I had over that last .1 mile and finally made it across the finish line with my husband and two kids watching and cheering me on.  

I walked over to the barrier and waited for my family to join me.  I got a ton of hugs, those warm little bodies felt so nice on my freezing cold legs.  

 

James knew instantly that I wasn't happy with this and tried to offer me many words of encouragement.  I wasn't having any of it.  He was illegally parked and needed to get back to his car quickly, so after we snapped some pictures, I told them to head home because I was just going to grab my stuff and head home. 

I got my coat, headed to the TWV tent to get some food since they were out of the post-race food bags and grabbed half a sandwich and headed back to my car.  The minute I got in and shut the door I started sobbing.  I cried most of the way home.  I knew that the minute I walked in the door I'd be greeted with excitement and congratulations from my mom and mother in law, and I just wasn't ready to receive it.  I did my best to try and be appreciative of their praise but I know I wasn't very good at it.  I quickly rushed into the bathroom and got into the hottest shower I have taken in a very long time.  It was cleansing in many ways.

I finished getting cleaned up and James headed out to get me an Ultimate Porker from Jimmy John's....it always seems to be my post-race meal of choice.

After eating and sitting around for a while, I realized that I needed to get Rory to a birthday party soon, so it was time to get moving again.  It was nice to just watch a bunch of 5 year olds having the time of their lives at Sky Zone and not really have to think about anything.  I had a nice chat with one of my friends who also had a daughter there and started to feel better.

After the party we headed to church.  Worship was wonderful and the message was great.  I got a lot of great hugs and left feeling pretty much back to normal.

I have had so many people offering so many extremely kind and encouraging words about my race and they mean so much to me.  It is nice to feel so much love from people during a time when I really needed it. 

I hope that some day I will start setting reasonable expectations and start offering some of the grace that I offer others so freely to myself.  I could really use some prayers to get there.  This has been my struggle for my entire life.  I never seem to be good enough for me.  If anyone has any book recommendations for working through this, please send them my way!

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my future with running will look like.  After the race yesterday, I kind of just wanted to stop forever.  I told myself that I will never be "good enough" and I might as well stop trying.  This evening I started thinking that I kind of want to tackle that course on my own as soon as I'm healthy and see what I can do.  I just feel like I need a do-over.

I'm kind of all over the spectrum in my head right now and I'm not quite sure what I want to do.  Do I keep running and just cut back on distance for a while and try to work on pace?  Do I stop running completely until I reach my goal weight and then pick it back up again?  Do I do the unthinkable and sign up for the Polar Dash 14 Miler?  Am I trying to get healthy or be a distance runner, can they exist together in my life?   

I know that I definitely need to do some more work with my thinking and in my head.  I am obviously still struggling with a highly distorted view of my own self-worth.  I still have a really hard time finding joy and spend far too much time disappointed in myself.  I don't know how much of this is just part of who I am and how much of it can be changed with time and that kind of scares me.  I am who I am because I set high expectations for myself and push myself to goals, but I also am who I am because I can never stop being critical of myself. 

I saw this picture on another blog the other day

It completely resonated with me.  Since I never knew anything other than being overweight, I thought that losing the weight would solve a lot of the issues I have with myself.....only it hasn't.  I still have weight to lose, but I know now that it isn't going to matter what I look like on the outside or how healthy I am, I need to fix something in my head before I ever call this process complete.

  

Quick race eve post

I am on my Nook, so this will be brief.

My fundraising goal was reached today, but you can still give if you haven't yet.  I cried a little bit when I found out that I made it, God is faithful.

If you are the praying type, please pray for the following:
- for all Team World Vision runners to have a great race and remember why they are running
- for my health, I am still fighting a cold and it moved into my chest yesterday
- for my left foot and knee, both have been bothering me now that it is colder

I am looking forward to running tomorrow and hope to have a great race report!

Go

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write about yet, I'm just happy to be sitting down and having a little bit of time to myself that doesn't involve putting one foot in front of the other.  I had so many really great ideas for blogging during the week and then just never got the chance to sit down and write and they have all escaped me for the moment, so we'll see what this ends up being....

All of the males in our house had some form of crud this week.  Yesterday was the first day where everyone felt well enough to venture outside.  I took the day off of work and we headed up to William O'Brien State Park so that the kiddos could explore nature without paved roads and trails.  I've had a strong desire to just get deep into the woods lately, so we did our best to do that yesterday.  The weather was gorgeous and we had a great time.  I spent so much time outside when I was a kid.  When I think back on my childhood, pretty much everything that stands out to me was time spent outside, in a field, in the woods or by a lake.  I just can't get enough of it so I am always thrilled when we have the chance to get out as a family and explore.

Here are a few pictures from our "adventure" (everything is an adventure when it involves 2, 3 and 4 year old children and a not quite 1 year old golden retriever)

Rory sporting her new coat and pants from Saver's....I love that place

 He makes the best faces

 Checking out a beaver dam (Go Beavers!)

This was completely unprompted, she just loves trees

 He had to take it a step farther

 Beauty

 Waiting on the boys

 The best family selfie we could muster, Oskar was not a fan

 

We had better luck last Sunday when we explored at Battle Creek

 

 

It was a fun day, but I was exhausted when we got home.  I ran 5 miles on the treadmill Thursday night at 10pm because I didn't want to miss another training run.  I was really dreading it, but I eeked out my best 5 mile time so far.  It was a nice reward for staying dedicated to my training plan even though it would have been easier to go to sleep.

 

This morning I had 11.5 miles on my slightly modified training plan.  I woke up feeling like garbage.  My joints were sore, my muscles were achy, my nose was plugged and I had ZERO energy.  On top of that, it was drizzling and about 40 degrees outside.  Not at all ideal conditions for running any distance, especially 11.5 miles, which I knew would take me close to 2 1/2 hours. 

 

I spent about two and a half hours getting myself mentally prepared and finally headed out around 9:30.  I hit the road and decided to just get it over with.  My bladder started screaming almost immediately even though I had just gone to the bathroom the minute before I walked out the door, but I knew I could stop around the 3.5 mile mark at Round Lake to use the restroom there and mentally prepared myself for that....which would have been great if they weren't closed for the season.  Thankfully, they had a biffie by the main picnic shelter at Lake Phalen and I was able to stop there.  I ended up taking a little bit of time to stretch out my legs because my left knee was bothering me quite a bit.  It felt a bit better after I stretched, but started to bother me pretty soon again.  I contemplated cutting my run short to keep my legs healthy before the race, but the pain would come and go so I decided to just push through it.  I hit a wall at mile 8....freaking mile 8.  I ended up walking a bit to give my knee some relief and because I had lost focus mentally.

 

I realized today that I can't have anything to look at while I'm running.  I ran on the Gateway Trail which connects up to the Lake Phalen/Round Lake/Keller Lake paths and ran around Round Lake and Lake Phalen and then back to the Gateway.  I realized that when I was on the Gateway, which is completely canopied by trees, I could keep my focus much better than when I was running around the Lakes.  I was surprised at the song that actually brought my focus back around mile 9 and helped me push through to the end.  It was "My Heart" by Paramore.  The chorus just repeats the line "this heart, it beats, beats for only you".  I don't know that the song is about Jesus, although I've seen them perform it and it absolutely turned into a little praise and worship session for the band although I'm not sure most of the kids in the audience realized it.  Regardless, I just kept singing those words right to Jesus in my head and my focus was back instantly.  

 

I finally made it back to our street and had to run past our house and around one more block to make it an even 11.5 miles.  When I got back to the house all three kids were standing in the doorway and Rory came running out the door to greet me with a big smile on her face, clapping and saying "Good job momma, we missed you!".  It took everything in me not to just burst into tears at that moment.  She ran so much yesterday when we were on our hike, I know she is watching me.  It is a joy to watch her run.

 

My splits didn't end up anywhere near as great as they were last week, but I'm still hopeful that I'll end up finishing in under 3:00....2:45 is my BHAG, so we'll see how that goes. 

 

This afternoon while the kiddos were napping I was working on my Bible Study.  We're doing the Nehemiah study by Kelly Minter and what I read today was quite timely.  I've been feeling God speak to me a lot lately in the area of serving and gifts.  We visited Crossroad's Church a couple of weekends ago because they were talking about a trip to Uganda that my sister in law and a friend went on with International Justice Mission.  The sermon was all about serving others and God with what is already in your hand.  If you have the time, I highly recommend watching it.  Since then, I have been asking God to reveal to me how he would like me to be serving with what I already have.  I have been hearing two things pretty repeatedly when I take the time to listen.

 

Love and Underutilized.

 

The love piece is pretty clear to me.  It is pretty easy for me to completely love and have compassion for people who I have never met.  I have always been acutely aware of other people's feelings and emotions.  I frequently get emotional when simply observing other people or scenarios.  Honestly, it drives me nuts sometimes and I wish I could turn it off at times.  I'm sure it drives my husband insane as well.  A few years ago (pre kiddos) we were having a nice breakfast at a little diner in Grand Marais and the only thing I could focus on was the old man sitting at the counter eating breakfast by himself with holes in his shoes.  I couldn't help but think of where those shoes had been or if anyone used to fill the seat next to him. 

 

These are the kinds of things that run through my mind non-stop.  I am far more concerned with other people's welfare than I am my own most days.  But I have a hard time putting this into action.  It is easy for me to be consumed by my thoughts and stuck in my head.  It is hard for me and uncomfortable for me to actually get vulnerable and make a connection.  It is easy for me to send money, food or necessities to a charitable organization.  It is hard for me to offer a hug to someone I don't know.  Lately I've been sensing so much that God just wants me to act, to do the things that aren't easy for me.  Send a note.  Stick my neck out.  Offer encouragement.  Be present.  Take the time.  Get uncomfortable.  Running 13.1 miles so that kids can have water and asking OTHER people for money to help me is uncomfortable.  By the way, check this out!

 

Only $254 left to go!!!  I know there are still some of you out there who want to help provide clean water for kiddos.  I know WE can do this!

 

 

Sorry for the tangent, now on to the second word...underutilization is something that has been stirring inside of me for the past six months or so but I was trying to ignore it.  It is interesting to feel underutilized and maxed out at the same time.  I don't feel like I have more time to offer right now, but I feel like the time I have could be better spent.  I feel like I have gifts and abilities that aren't being used right now.  Some of them I can't even pinpoint, but I just feel like I need to make a change somewhere.  An opportunity recently presented itself, so I'm looking forward to seeing what God wants to do there.   On top of that, I have been feeling lately like I should be doing more with writing and speaking.  I'm not at all afraid of speaking in front of large groups of people and I enjoy presentations.  I want to be doing something with this outside of work, I just don't know where to go or what to do with it.  I will keep waiting patiently for all of this to work out and trust in God's timing.

 

It really is fun to watch and see what God wants to do.  I love to look back and see how much I have grown and how faithful He is.  Have you found a way to use what you have in your hand?  I'd love to hear about it! 

 

 



Declutter My Heart

Some awesome things happened recently.

I got these bad boys in the mail.  I don't think I've ever been more excited to receive a pair of shoelaces in my life.  THANK YOU to everyone who made it possible to get these.

I am 70% to my goal and would LOVE to make it.  So if you have been thinking about making a donation and haven't yet, now is the time!  Click Here

This morning I woke up at 5:00 to have breakfast and get ready for a 10 mile training run.  I wanted to try and get as much of my run done before the kids woke up as possible so we still had plenty of family time together.  I decided to drive to a different destination for my run this morning to change things up a bit.  I headed downtown to run along the Mississippi, which is where the Monster Dash will finish up.  

I snapped a picture before I headed out, St. Paul was still quite sleepy

There was a big riverboat cruise ship loading at the same time, it was super cute to see a bunch of "seasoned citizens" climbing aboard.  

I decided this morning that there is something to the saying I've seen a couple of times on Facebook now 

It was so early when I started my run, my body really had no idea what it was doing.  I used to think that I ran better in the afternoon because I usually had something to work out in my head and that kept me going, but this morning I realized that if I get started before my inner monologue starts, I can keep complete focus on my music and my run.

With the exception of stopping to relieve my screaming bladder at mile 4.5, I didn't stop running at all this morning.  10 whole miles with no walking breaks.  This is unheard of in Tammyland.

I was really excited when I saw my splits

My last five miles were faster than my first five miles and my last mile was the fastest.  I have been trying to accomplish this FOREVER.  You seriously have no idea how amazing it felt to finish 10 miles without walking.  Although this training plan is kicking my butt, it is doing the job!  The miles I'm putting in during the week are preparing me for the long runs on the weekend.

I finally feel like I'm at a place where I have stopped comparing myself to other runners and have just started looking at my own progress.  Am I still slow by most standards?  Absolutely.  Have I made tremendous progress?  Yes indeed.  I'm calling it a victory.  

My overall pace was 13:06, I'm shooting for 12:45 on race day, so we'll see how it goes.  I think if I stay healthy and my stomach doesn't revolt again, I am definitely on track to finish in under 3:00 this time.

I fueled mid-run with these today

They were awesome.  The texture was good, the flavor was great and they did exactly what I needed them to do.  I highly recommend them.  

It was really nice to start my weekend off with a great run this morning after a pretty crappy week.  I won't go into detail on any of it, because it really doesn't matter, but it was just a rough week for me mentally and emotionally.  I spent most of my 5 mile run on Thursday in tears of frustration.  Not from running, but my overall inability to handle what life throws at me while still somehow finding joy.

I kept thinking about James 1:2-4

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I gotta be honest with you.  I can't say I have ever felt an ounce of joy when I'm facing a trial.  When my car wouldn't start at work on Wednesday night, my first thought wasn't, "Thank you, God.  Because of this craptastic situation, I'm able to see how much you mean to me and my faith is stronger than ever."  

My first thought was "Seriously?  Seriously?  Can I just be done already?  I just want to go home and go to Bible Study and here I am stuck at work in a car that won't start."

I just keep praying that some day I'll be able to get there, but I get so frustrated that I struggle so much with this.  I want so desperately for God to be enough for me.  I want to find all of my joy and all of my strength in him.  But right now, I'm just not there. 

I started watching the current message series at Elevation Church on Thursday night as I was working on folding some laundry.  It is called I Don't Know What I Believe and God is using it to speak to me big time.  Steven Furtick has been bringing his A game lately.

I think the greatest thing that I took away and that I'm trying to wrap my head around is this.

"Even when all the answers aren't clear.  God's love for me is."  

I have a really hard time with simply letting love be enough.  It is like I just don't know how to do it.  I have to over analyze everything and get so stuck in all the details of what life should be like and what I should be thinking or feeling as a follower of Christ.  When my heart doesn't align with what the Bible says, I feel really defeated.  I want to get there and sometimes my progress is painfully slow.

The passage that they are using for the entire series is 2 Timothy 1:8-14

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God,  who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began,  and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,  for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher,  which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.  Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.  By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you. 

Paul's faith and devotion to the work he was doing was just ridiculous.  If I had a shred of the faith he had, I think I'd be in a much better place.

It isn't so much that I doubt God's goodness, I have seen him prove his goodness repeatedly.  I just have a really hard time finding the good in the every day struggles.  

I think I've been hearing God tell me that I need to get rid of all the baggage that I carry around in my head and my heart.  I need to throw out all the things that I try to keep control of in my life.  Toss out the trash so that I can make more room for Him.  I need to declutter my heart.  I let him in, but he kind of fills the cracks and spaces between all of the other thought, memories and things I'm trying to control.  

I think I'm going to have to book a hermitage soon and work through some things.  I need like 24 hours of nothing but me, God and some trees....lots of trees.

The Never Ending Struggle

It has been a while since my last update, so I thought I should take the time to write something tonight.  However, my mind doesn't seem to be very cohesive tonight and I'm not confident that I can synthesize all of the random things I would like to touch on so I'm just going to give you a bunch of random bullet points on the past couple weeks and where my head is at today.  So here it goes

• I received a lot of great feedback on Facebook and in person after my last post and I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to comment.  I'm so glad that I'm not alone in my thinking and that others were able to feel less alone in their day to day struggles with the sharing of my behind the scenes.  I'm thinking of making it a a weekly thing if I can find the time.

• I have been struggling in the health department lately.  In the late winter/early spring I had some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and after a few doctor trips, they determined it was GERD and put me on some medicine to help.  Two weeks ago, the same symptoms came back and have been lingering.  It is like having morning sickness (which for me was all day sickness) without growing a baby.  As a result, my appetite and food choices have been completely out of whack and I'm struggling big time with finding some balance and feeling well.  

•  James and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on the 29th.  We didn't actually do much of anything that day, but on Monday night we went to a concert with my sister and her husband.  We saw Twin Forks at The Triple Rock.  Twin Forks is the newest musical endeavor by Chris Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional).  I have mentioned my love for Dashboard Confessional in other posts - basically, it was music that completely resonated with me during some of the most depressing years of my life.  He wrote and performed music that spoke to my soul and made me feel less alone in my feelings....it is super depressing music and I have a hard time listening to it now because of all the emotions that I associate with it.  Twin Forks is quite the opposite.  I guess I'd call them a cross between Americana/Bluegrass/Folk with a little bit of Irish Pub Rock thrown in.  There wasn't many people at all at the concert which meant a super intimate show and the chance to meet them afterward!!!  They were so nice and it was great to chat for a bit.  They played covers of I Saw the Light and Blister in the Sun....that kind of mix doesn't usually happen, but it was perfectly suitable for my musical tastes, so I loved it.  I totally recommend checking out their EP, it is super fun and catchy and my kiddos love to dance to it.  You can take a listen on Sound Cloud.

James through this little collage together

• We had planned to go out for an anniversary dinner prior to the concert, but I had a 5 mile run to do on Monday and it took a little bit longer than I planned on and we got going a bit late so we didn't get to go out until after the show.  We were just trying to think of things that would be open and ended up at The Blue Door Pub, the same place we went for my birthday.  I ordered the special called the Hullabalucy.  It was a burger stuffed with blue cheese and mashed sweet potatoes with a maple mushroom aioli.  When I took the first bite I kind of felt like I wanted to just curl up in bed with my burger because it was so delicious.....these are the kinds of thoughts I have about food at 11pm after a really long day.

• With the above mentioned nausea, finding the energy and proper nutrition to run has been a challenge lately.  I've been doing my best to keep up with my training plan and I've only missed one run, but I really feel like this training plan is kicking my butt.  I am sore, tired and ravenous pretty much all the time.  I feel like my legs are starting to revolt.  I was talking with James about this tonight because I really struggle with knowing what is the voice of self-doubt in my head and what is the voice of reason.  There aren't a lot of people who are 60 pounds overweight talking about training for a half marathon and how that is going for them.  I'm not looking for someone to compare myself to, I'm just wanting to know what common experiences are for other runners my size, and it has been hard to find any info.  I wish there was some way to know what is "too much" for me running at this weight and what I just need to push through.  One thing is for sure, training for half marathons is not conducive to weight loss for me.  I might lose a few pounds one week, but then feel like I'm starving all the time the next week and over eat to compensate.  I'm having a difficult time finding balance right now.  

• I'm not making the declaration yet, but I think this might be my last half marathon, at least until I'm at my goal weight.  I'm thinking I might stick to 10Ks in the future and kind of make that "my distance" for races.  I'm also toying with the idea of training for the YWCA Triathlon in 2014.  Only problem with that is that I despise biking and sold my bike a while back so I'd have to get a new one and that isn't in the budget.  I'll be watching Craig's List for a really great deal.

• I've been listening to the latest sermon series by The Village Church (Matt Chandler) called Recovering Redemption.  It has been really helpful for me.  Matt has such a gift at speaking the truth with grace.  If you need to find freedom from anything in your life, I highly recommend checking the series out.  

• I am at 55% of my goal for my Team World Vision fundraising!  I would LOVE to reach 100% and would be forever grateful if you would consider sponsoring me in this effort.  Honestly, a $1 donation would let me know that you are out there and support me in this - plus, there is the even bigger benefit of HELPING KIDS HAVE CLEAN WATER!!!  You really wouldn't believe how motivating it has been for me to know that I'm doing this for a purpose so much bigger than myself.  If I wasn't running for these kids, I would have quit by now, I know that much.   

• I'm really struggling with my boys right now.  They are fighting non stop - there has been biting, hitting, pinching, yelling, screaming, stealing and crying nearly every minute of the day around here lately and it is wearing me down.  Normal 2 year old behavior doesn't mix well with a 3 year who has trouble regulating his emotions and using words.

I think that about does it for now.  I'll try to have a more inspiring and cohesive post soon, but this is where I am today.

I made a new before/now picture that I needed to remind myself how far I've come after a couple of crappy eating days.

Thanks for reading - now check out some Twin Forks!