Well, hello there.
It has been quite some time since I've written. It isn't that I haven't had anything to write about, it is that I've had far too much to write about. I have had so many thoughts of things that I'd love to get out, but don't feel like I have the right words for yet. I could put them out there, but I feel like I am supposed to take my time with them, so hopefully soon I'll be doing a series of three posts that will explain where my head and heart have been for the last month.
November has been rough for me emotionally. God has been doing a big work in my heart and I feel like he has been showing me lately what I have been called to do. It is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. One thing is for certain, I've never felt so close or in tune with God as I do right now and yet I'm struggling to get through each day because I am emotionally exhausted from the places he has been taking my heart and mind.
But we'll come back to all of that another day.
Today will just be a few random updates.
With the above mentioned emotional struggles and a big old pile of financial fun times (major car repairs, a new furnace and a dog being spayed all in the same two week period), I've been turning to food for comfort a whole lot more frequently than I would like to. I haven't given up, but things aren't at all where I'd like them to be right now.
On November 8th, while I was at work, I noticed in the afternoon that every time I took a breath, it was really painful near the bottom of my ribs on the right side of my back. I've had issues with my gallbladder in the past and since that lives in that general region, I'm always a little bit hyper aware of anything strange going on in that area. As the day went on, it didn't get better, it just continued to get worse. I went home after work and after being home for a couple of hours, I decided that I probably needed to go to Urgent Care. Urgent care sent me to the ER because they weren't able to rule out gallbladder issues with the equipment they had available. So I headed to the ED and went through an ultrasound, lab work and an x-ray, only to have them tell me that they have no idea what is wrong with me. They sent me home though the pain persisted and I was told to rest and call back if I developed any other symptoms.
The pain continued through that evening and the next day (Saturday). Late Saturday afternoon I spiked a fever so I went to sleep fairly early and woke up the next morning completely soaked in sweat, but the pain was gone. "They" figure it was a slight case of pleurisy caused by a virus, but it seemed to be done and over by Sunday evening and I was feeling good to go and resume life as usual on Monday.
I ran on the treadmill on Monday evening and about five minutes into my run, I started to have a pretty bad pain right over my heart and I decided to stop running because it was probably too much too soon after being sick. I decided to rest a few more days and then tried again on Thursday and the same thing happened, so I took a little walk break and then started again and after doing that a few times, the pain in my chest went away. I was hoping it just meant I needed to re-condition my body to running after taking a few days off, however, every time I've tried to run since then, the exact same thing has happened. Last Wednesday evening, no matter how many times I stopped and started, the pain would return and I finally decided that feeling like your heart is going to tear open is probably not a great thing to push through and I decided to make a doctor's appointment
I saw an NP on Friday because my regular physician was out and she was great. She was very thorough and very focused on getting me some kind of an answer so that I wasn't afraid to run anymore. They ran an EKG on Friday and everything looked great there. The results showed a sinus bradycardia, but apparently that just means I am "well conditioned", otherwise, everything else looked fine. However, she wanted to be cautious and referred me to a cardiologist to be seen in 1-3 days.
U of M Heart Physicians were able to get me in today and they were phenomenal! Everyone in their clinic was extremely kind and caring. They all kept telling me they don't see many otherwise healthy 32 year olds in there very often. I had another EKG today, which was also normal, and after discussing my symptoms, medical history and my family history, the cardiologist had no great answer for the pain I have been experiencing. However, he wasn't alright with assuming that everything was fine and sending me away with no answers because my symptoms were concerning. Since my dad has a defect in his heart and had open heart surgery to correct it about 10 years ago, the doctor decided to keep looking for answers. So on Wednesday, I'll be spending a majority of my day at the hospital having an Echocardiogram and a nuclear stress test. I am hopeful that everything will be normal, but it will be very nice to have some peace of mind and reassurance that I won't drop dead on the treadmill if I push through it.
So with being sick, extra emotional and financial stress and feeling like my heart is going to burst open when I'm running, I've gained back about 10 pounds from my lowest point. I'm not completely freaking out about it, but I am disappointed. I am hoping that after Wednesday, I'll feel more confident in running and be able to find a groove again sometime soon.
Maybe while I'm waiting around on Wednesday, I'll get the chance to update on the other things God has been doing in my life.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Monday, November 4, 2013
The Great Unknown
Last week was draining in every way possible for me. It wasn't all bad, it wasn't all good, just a lot going on and I am tired. We are finally done with all of the 5 year old birthday celebrations and life can return back to somewhat of a normal state.
I signed up for the Polar Dash 10K and was supposed to start training for that today, but I was on off-hours support for work tonight and got paged both times I was about to head downstairs to the treadmill. I could push myself and still get it done tonight, but I honestly think I just need to take a break.
I ran twice last week and made it to the gym once for a workout. Not great at all and I am feeling it. I'm finally starting to feel better, so I'm hoping to get back into a normal routine again soon now that I have a new race to train for. I hope to find a way to keep running without having to sign up for races. It isn't that I'm not motivated, it is just that I have no idea what to do. One of my friends mentioned that someone they know just sets an overall mileage goal for a certain time frame, so I think I might consider that and give it a whirl after the Polar Dash. I just know I'm going to need something to push me through the holidays and wanted to support my husband who has signed up for the 5K. I'm really really proud of him and hope that it goes well for him. He has inspired many others to run it as well. It is fun to see all of the support.
Saturday evening was one of the times that I ran this past week. I was emotionally, mentally and physically drained after a long day of training at church and preparing for Rory's family birthday party, but I decided to do 3 miles at 10pm. I was processing some things mentally and decided to push myself pretty hard and ended up running my fastest 5K on the treadmill so far. My average pace was about 10:56...I've never seen anything below an 11:30 before. I was pretty excited about that. I've always known, but it is absolutely being reinforced, just how completely mental running is. My body is capable of so much more than I allow it to do.
When I was done running, I attempted to do some burpees with pushups as part of the Women's Running Community November Lower Body Challenge. Sometimes, an attempt at doing a burpee-pushup ends up with me face down on the cold basement floor, covered in sweat with tears pouring out of my eyes, completely crying out to God. It sounds pretty horrible and I'm sure it looked pretty horrible too, but it was actually a really powerful time of worship and prayer for me. I totally didn't care about the failed attempt at trying something new or the fact that I'm pretty sure I seriously injured my shoulder (slightly more concerned about that now).
I felt a clarity that I needed to feel about something that I have been wrestling with for quite some time. For the past few months, I have been praying for God to use me and all of my past experiences in a way where I would feel like I was making an impact. He has been whispering hints here and there for me to step up and reach out to someone and I have been ignoring him. However, an opportunity has come up where I needed to finally take the step and trust him completely with the details. I am scared. I feel completely inadequate to be doing what I have offered to do, but I am completely trusting him with the details. I can't and probably won't share too much about this because it isn't mine to share, but I would appreciate any and all prayers for strength, wisdom and peace as I step into the water and take his lead on this.
Just like I need a training plan for running, I need uncomfortable life situations to keep me pouring over God's word for answers and turning to him in prayer. Some day I will understand the benefits of doing both of these things all on my own....but until then, I'll welcome the challenges.
I signed up for the Polar Dash 10K and was supposed to start training for that today, but I was on off-hours support for work tonight and got paged both times I was about to head downstairs to the treadmill. I could push myself and still get it done tonight, but I honestly think I just need to take a break.
I ran twice last week and made it to the gym once for a workout. Not great at all and I am feeling it. I'm finally starting to feel better, so I'm hoping to get back into a normal routine again soon now that I have a new race to train for. I hope to find a way to keep running without having to sign up for races. It isn't that I'm not motivated, it is just that I have no idea what to do. One of my friends mentioned that someone they know just sets an overall mileage goal for a certain time frame, so I think I might consider that and give it a whirl after the Polar Dash. I just know I'm going to need something to push me through the holidays and wanted to support my husband who has signed up for the 5K. I'm really really proud of him and hope that it goes well for him. He has inspired many others to run it as well. It is fun to see all of the support.
Saturday evening was one of the times that I ran this past week. I was emotionally, mentally and physically drained after a long day of training at church and preparing for Rory's family birthday party, but I decided to do 3 miles at 10pm. I was processing some things mentally and decided to push myself pretty hard and ended up running my fastest 5K on the treadmill so far. My average pace was about 10:56...I've never seen anything below an 11:30 before. I was pretty excited about that. I've always known, but it is absolutely being reinforced, just how completely mental running is. My body is capable of so much more than I allow it to do.
When I was done running, I attempted to do some burpees with pushups as part of the Women's Running Community November Lower Body Challenge. Sometimes, an attempt at doing a burpee-pushup ends up with me face down on the cold basement floor, covered in sweat with tears pouring out of my eyes, completely crying out to God. It sounds pretty horrible and I'm sure it looked pretty horrible too, but it was actually a really powerful time of worship and prayer for me. I totally didn't care about the failed attempt at trying something new or the fact that I'm pretty sure I seriously injured my shoulder (slightly more concerned about that now).
I felt a clarity that I needed to feel about something that I have been wrestling with for quite some time. For the past few months, I have been praying for God to use me and all of my past experiences in a way where I would feel like I was making an impact. He has been whispering hints here and there for me to step up and reach out to someone and I have been ignoring him. However, an opportunity has come up where I needed to finally take the step and trust him completely with the details. I am scared. I feel completely inadequate to be doing what I have offered to do, but I am completely trusting him with the details. I can't and probably won't share too much about this because it isn't mine to share, but I would appreciate any and all prayers for strength, wisdom and peace as I step into the water and take his lead on this.
Just like I need a training plan for running, I need uncomfortable life situations to keep me pouring over God's word for answers and turning to him in prayer. Some day I will understand the benefits of doing both of these things all on my own....but until then, I'll welcome the challenges.
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