Community

Today was a good day.

I officially started training for the Monster Dash Half Marathon in October.  I'm starting with 5 weeks of base training to try and work on my speed a bit.  Today was my first run after taking an intentional week off of running.  I had three miles on the schedule and my goal was to run the entire time because that has been difficult for me lately for some reason.  After I got done with mile one, RunKeeper let me know that my pace was around 11:38 min/mile, which is fast for me, so I was a little nervous that I was going to end up needing a walk break because I started too fast.  Then mile two passed and my average pace was still in that range.  I was bound and determined to finish the last mile strong and was on the verge of puking when "Workout Complete" chimed in.  I was ridiculously happy when I looked at the overall average pace

That pace is like unheard of for me, especially when not on a treadmill.  I was so happy that taking a week break paid off.  It was a great way to kick off training.  I think in addition to the break, the other thing that helped was a much needed confidence booster last Friday.  I went to the gym in the morning and used the elliptical which has a pre-programmed "Fitness Test".  I decided to give it a shot because I was mostly there to lift and I wasn't sure how long it would take, so it was a good day to try it.  It ended up taking 30 minutes and at the end it said "Well Above Average".  I have always considered myself well below average in terms of fitness, so it was kind of nice to have a machine tell me I'm not as horrible as I think I am.

Here is a basic overview of what the test does

Silly that I feel validated by a standardized test on a piece of gym equipment, but that is me.

Last night I finally finished the book, The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

The book has been out for a few years, but I'm a bit behind on books that I want to read because it takes me forever to finish them.  This one took me about four months because the only time I typically get to read is right before bed and I usually get one page in and fall asleep.  Last night I was determined to finish, so I jumped on our recumbent bike and started reading.

Shane's honesty, faith and courage are remarkable and the stories he shares are inspiring.  I don't agree with his views on everything, but I admire and respect his opinions.  He paints such a wonderful picture of what it truly means to love others like God has called us to do.

The one theme in the book that really stuck with me and has left me craving something more in my life, was the display of genuine, Biblical community that Shane seems to be a part of, no matter where he goes.

Shane is part of a an intentional community (commune) in Philadelphia called The Simple Way and so many of his stories about how they live is very appealing to me.  I first heard about The Simple Way a few years ago because a band I listen to is also a part of it (mewithoutyou....not for everyone, but I enjoy them very much).

I think community, not in a geographical context, but in a relational context, is an extremely beautiful and necessary thing.  I feel like a lack of true community has been detrimental to our generation and the cause of so many of the issues that seem to be in the news.

I don't know if it is just a Minnesota/Midwest thing, my husband tells me that it is, I've never lived anywhere else, but I think for most people around here, community = family and a few select friends, typically ones known since high school.  It isn't often that I encounter people, myself included, who are part of a community that isn't largely comprised of their families.

I was thinking about what kinds of things are lost when we don't have strong communities, mentorship and accountability were the two big things that stuck out in my mind.  So much of modern technology and comforts birthed out of the industrial age have made us self sufficient, rarely needing to tap into community resources or relationships. 

Please don't mistake this for a love of communism or socialism, that is not at all what I'm talking about.  I don't believe that the government should play a part in any of this....I think the government has been part of the reason that true community has died.  The community that I envision is one born out of a common love for God, a desire to serve others, and a belief that we are all given different gifts to be part of one body, the body of Christ.

I feel like we are missing so much by not placing a higher value on community.  I think marriages would be better, people would be less stressed, God would be honored, life would be more meaningful.

I was never one of those girls who had a ton of friends.  I have always had a lot of acquaintances, people I had surface level conversations with, but never really going much farther than that.  It has always been quality rather than quantity for me and I'm honestly not very great at that either.  As I have mentioned before, friendship and social interaction in general is really difficult for me and always has been.  I am super introverted and maintaining relationships requires a lot of energy from me, energy which I have never really had.  Perhaps it was because I never really understood the value of developing deep relationships, but I am starting to understand them now....and at 31 years of age, how and where do you start?

This is a strange phenomenon I experience on a daily basis.  God has given me interests, skills, passions and abilities that if plotted on a spectrum, would be polar opposites.  I find my head warring with my heart constantly.  Two of my top spiritual gifts are mercy and discernment.  They generally don't go together and with so many of the big political/social events in the news lately, I find myself holding political and theological debates in my head.

I get stuck in my head a lot.  Very little actually makes it the short distance from my grey matter to my tongue (or fingers) because in the time it would take to get it out, I've already talked myself out of it.  Community is one of these areas for me.  I refuse to keep my thoughts in my head this time.  (Seriously, I frantically scribbled most of this post out into my journal last night in bed because I needed my brain to stop).  

My struggle with community is that I love it, I think it is great.  I want to do something to start building a community in my life.  But then the reality of my introverted, full time working, mom of three kids under five with a history of social anxiety starts to win the battle and I am left daydreaming about it rather than making it a reality.  

Relationships take time.  Building a community requires a lot of interpersonal communication and without the comfort of a computer screen, I'm pretty much mute.

One on one meaningful conversations are hard for me, but I'm feeling very challenged in this area lately.  I feel like God is needing me to grow here and I keep dragging my feet.  I was doing a You Version study last week called Authentic Bible Study by James MacDonald.  One of the days referenced Psalms 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path

Sometimes for me, learning scripture through song can be damaging (thank you Amy Grant) because you never really take the time to comprehend what it means because it becomes so wrote.  I have sung that verse so many times in my life, but it never meant anything.  

When I read the verse this time, a light went off in my head and I actually got beyond the melody in my head and had a vision of what this is supposed to look like.  James MacDonald talks about decisions made in darkness without consulting God's Word and how damaging they can be.  Alternatively, God's Word shows us the next step like a headlamp leading you down the path to the bathroom when camping. 

We don't have to stumble and fall or be stopped by obstacles.  He gives us a light to follow, His word shows us the way.  If we follow the commands and the words that he has given us, then we will always be taking the right path, even if it may seem like an extended detour at times.

I guess what I am saying is that I need to start trusting in the path that is in front of me.  The path of building relationships and experiencing community, because it is without a doubt the path I am being led down.  God didn't mean for us to be alone, there are all kinds of scriptural evidence to support me getting out of my comfort zone and into a place where I need to trust Him to light my path.

I think the realization I'm coming to is that, for me, taking up my cross means giving up my tendency to be quiet and keep to myself.  I need to start engaging in more conversations and actually start building a community.  I'd be lying if I said that doesn't scare me. 

I need to die to my comfort.  No more avoiding conversations by working with my headphones in, ducking down halls or keeping my eyes down.  I need to connect, start conversations, get more information, go beyond the weather and weekend plans.

My prayer last night was this

God, help me confidently get out of the tent.  Help me step out of the darkness and trust in the path that you are lighting for me.  May your light shine bright before me, within me and behind me, wherever WE go.  Amen

I realize this post is extremely fragmented and I don't expect this to make a lot of sense to many people.  I don't expect people to share the same enthusiasm that I do.  But I needed to get this out there because I need some accountability with this.  I need people reminding me that life isn't about my comfort.  But, if you do understand this, if you have this same desire for true community, let me know!  I would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Have a wonderful 4th of July!

Relationships and Priorities

I just got done with an almost 5.5 mile run.  It was very slow, but I kept moving, I only had to stop to walk for a couple of brief intervals.  I was hesitant to even attempt a run tonight because it had gotten late and I had already taken the kids to the zoo and walked quite a bit, but my husband knows what I need and pushed me out the door.  I had planned a 6 mile run, and probably could have finished it had it not been for the darkness in a not so great part of town.  It felt REALLY good.  I could have probably run faster, but my goal today was to just keep going and not have to walk, and I think I did a pretty good job of that.  There is still a part of me that wishes I were faster, but I know that speed will come in time and right now I need to focus on the fact that I am doing it.

I sat down at the computer to unwind and started reading a couple of blogs and I stumbled upon a link to a blog written by an avid runner.  It is called "Hey Fat Girl" and if you have ever thought that you were too "big" or inexperienced to intermingle with the incredibly fit, then I highly recommend you read it.  I cried like a baby.  This guy totally hit the nail on the head when it comes to the thoughts that I have when I meet people on the trail who are going so much faster than me or are obviously in much better shape than I am.  It just made me feel good to know that some people understand the struggle and the negative thoughts that can come along with a journey like this.

Since the hubby's work schedule changed recently, I've had to change my running schedule around a bit.  I used to do my long run on Saturday morning, but that doesn't work anymore, so the past two weeks I've run after church on Saturday evening.  It is going really well, at least mentally, for me.  Facing the biggest physical/mental challenge of my week is so much easier after being renewed with great worship.  We are seriously blessed by the quality of our worship leader and band at "The Bear".  I also strongly believe that the Holy Spirit controls my playlist, which is always on shuffle, but the song that I need to hear always comes on at the right moment.  As I was nearing the end of my run tonight, I really wanted to start walking and I had started for a few seconds and then a new song came on.  It was "Good Morning" by Mandisa.  It is pretty much impossible to not pick up the pace when that song comes on, even if it was 8:00 at night.  I started to think about how successful she has been in overcoming her addiction to food and weight loss and it gave me everything I needed to keep going.

I've been struggling a lot lately with feeling like I'm relationally challenged.  I feel like I am horrible at being a friend, party due to trust issues and partly due to time issues.  The trust issues stem way back to an experience I had in 5th grade.  I had two "best-friends" that I pretty much did everything with.  One of them was sleeping over at my house one night and she decided to call the other one while I secretly listened to see if she would say anything bad about me....and she did.  My so-called best friend didn't even really like me and didn't like hanging out with me.  Maybe that happens all the time to 5th grade girls and they let it roll off their back, but it has always stuck with me.  To this day, it takes a ridiculous amount of courage for me to even pick up the phone and call anyone outside of my family because I pretty much assume that no one wants to hear from me or hang out with me.  This makes it difficult to build and keep relationships going for me.  There are very few people in my life, outside of my family, who I feel like I could even publicly call a "friend", and it makes me feel extremely inadequate.

However, tonight, our message at church was very much about relationships and friendships.  Our pastor talked about how it is important to have a few close relationships that you can develop and the rest kind of have to stay at the acquaintance level.  I felt a little bit better about things after hearing that.  The women that I spend the most time with outside of work/family right now are my small group gals (ok, so half of them are family) and I think that I am in an ok spot.  I wouldn't mind adding a couple of other non-family close friends to the mix, but I know that I need to step out of my comfort zone to make it happen.  I guess it is something for me to pray about.

I've just been thinking a lot about my priorities in general. The book I'm reading right now is by our senior pastor (I think I mentioned that in my last post) and he talks about his top 5 priorities and how everything he does in his life is pretty much filtered through them.  He's mentioned this many times during his weekend messages, and I've always kind of felt like I pretty much did that, but I've never actually taken the time to stop and identify them.  My top four are pretty clear to me, but number 5 seems to waver. My top 5 are:

1) Strengthening my relationship with God and glorifying him in all that I do
2) Building and strengthening my marriage
3) Raising amazing kiddos who love Jesus
4) Keeping strong relationships with my family of origin and the in-laws
5) Transforming my body and mind to be healthier and stronger

Not going to lie, it is a struggle to keep them balanced, especially in this order.  I believe that this is the order that they should be in.  I think that keeping them in this order makes everything go better.  If something doesn't fit in with these top 5 for me, then I really have to think hard about whether or not I have the time for it. 

How we spend our days is so greatly influenced by our priorities.  I think one of the best things that we did was remove the TV from our living room.  We decided shortly after Rory was born that we didn't want the TV to be the focal point of our home or family.  We still find ourselves in front of the computer too often, but not watching TV has been incredibly helpful in transforming my life.  I always think it is interesting when I listen to someone tell me how busy they are, but they always know what happened on American Idol or The Bachelor.  We all have the same amount of time each day, you get to determine how you spend it....choose wisely!  (This is a reminder for me as well).

I have to remind myself daily that clean dishes, folded clothes and moderate organization aren't anywhere on that list.  I get so frustrated and overwhelmed by the amount of work there is to do around here that I miss a lot of time with my kiddos.  I'm trying to be better about just spending their waking hours with them rather than worrying about the dishes in the sink and the food stuck on the kitchen floor (but it is oh so hard to ignore).

So those are my thoughts for today.  I hope you are all having a wonderful weekend.  Thanks for reading!