The angel of the Lord came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites. When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior. (NIV)
Furtick talked about how it was not normal or even productive to beat wheat in a winepress. Normally, you would beat wheat in a place that was up higher so that the chaff would be taken away by the wind, so what Gideon was doing was counterproductive. Furtick referred to Gideon as a "wimp in a winepress".
Then, the angel of the Lord shows up and calls him a mighty warrior....are we talking about the same guy? Would a mighty warrior be hiding in a winepress? The conversation between the angel and Gideon continues throughout the chapter as Gideon goes on trying to convince the angel that he is not a mighty warrior, that he is weak and the least in his family. He believed that there was no possible way that he could defeat the Midianites. Thankfully, the angel (and God) were persistent and helped him believe that it wasn't him that needed to be strong, God was strong enough and faithful enough to work through him, he just needed to have faith and trust that God would lead him to victory.
The message resonated with me that day, but I kind pushed it to the back of my brain and carried on with life as usual. Then today, God connected the dots in my head again and I started to really see how this is paralleled in my life.
I have been hiding in a winepress for my entire life, only my winepress comes in the form of obesity. I have hidden my thoughts, opinions and preferences on nearly everything in my life behind the invisible wall that had formed along with all of my extra fat cells.
I did my best to blend in. To not call attention to myself. To never speak up. I did my best NOT to be noticed because I was far to ashamed of my body and myself. (This is particularly ironic now, when I look back, because one of my college anthems was Again I Go Unnoticed by Dashboard Confessional...hard to be noticed when you are doing your best to be invisible.)
I knew to an extent that I was doing this, it was mostly intentional, but I wasn't completely aware of just how much of my life it impacted. It has recently come to light in a couple of scenarios and forced me to realize just how much of myself I have kept in hiding. One came as a realization from therapy and the other while shopping in JCPenney.
James and I have been seeing a therapist together to work through some things that have created tension in our marriage. We weren't at a breaking point, we just both believe in fighting like hell to keep our marriage strong and we knew that we needed a neutral party to pull some things out of us and force us to address issues that we frequently swept under the rug. It has been extremely helpful and I'm not at all ashamed of it.
Anyway, one of the things that I discovered about myself is how often I neglect to share my feelings about things simply because I think my feelings are invalid or aren't worthy of being heard. I've never loved myself enough to believe that what I think or feel matters to anyone. What I am starting to realize (with help) is that it is impossible to build intimacy in a relationship without sharing these things about myself. James does want to know what I am thinking and feeling and he will still love me even if he disagrees. He isn't going to figure them out if I don't tell him. I have to remind myself frequently that those things are true.
The second revelation, as I mentioned, came from a completely overwhelming trip to the mall a couple of weeks ago, only I didn't realize why it was so overwhelming until today. I had gone to the mall a couple of weeks ago to do some shopping before I picked up the kids. I am down to two pairs of jeans, one pair of capris and a couple of dresses right now. All of my work pants can be pulled off without unbuttoning them and they have unwillingly dropped twice. Fortunately, both wardrobe malfunctions were only witnessed by my children. Needless to say, I'm in need of some new clothes, which would seem like a good problem to have. However, a limited budget (Who pays $50 for a pair of jeans, seriously??? I thought $10 at Savers was a bit much), an abundance of choices and legs that will never work in skinny jeans, have made this exciting opportunity more of an anxiety laden burden.
I literally stood in JCPenney looking back and forth after walking through rows upon rows of clothing as the tears started to well up in my eyes. I had no idea where to start. I don't know how to buy clothes. I felt completely clueless. I look at all of the options and I honestly don't know what to do with any of them.
For my entire life it has always been about buying whatever I could find that was in my price range that actually fit. Whether or not it was "me" rarely got considered because the only goal was to have something to wear and there are usually only 5 or 6 plus size racks to choose from.
Today, while getting ready for church, I realized why I have had such a hard time with all of the choices....I'm not sure I know what "me" is and I'm not sure I'm ready to come out of hiding. Trying to find clothes is forcing me to figure that out. I know what you are thinking, clothing is really not that important, certainly nothing that should cause anxiety, and I understand that, but this is about so much more than clothes for me. This whole situation made me think about how I've never really learned to love who I am, I've never celebrated Tammy, I've never really even taken the time to get to know her. Any dreams or ambitions to be or dress a certain way were quickly dashed by that constant voice in my head telling me that I was too fat. I've kept a large part of who I am in hiding, in my own winepress, for far too long.
I feel like God has been working on me for a while to get me to realize this, he really can use anything for good...even a crappy shopping trip. It is a good thing he is so merciful and patient, because honestly, it takes me a REALLY long time to understand things sometimes.
A friend posted a really great quote by Bob Goff on Facebook a couple weeks ago that really spoke to where my head has been lately - "We spend a lot more time thinking about our failures than God does. It's Thursday. Quit memorizing who you used to be." So good.
He has been trying to help me realize that even though I might see myself as a "failure in fat clothes" (trying to stay with the alliteration, but honestly, that is how I have viewed myself), He sees me as a strong woman who he made EXACTLY as he designed me to be to fulfill His purpose for my life. All of my struggles, all of my strengths, all of my fears and all of my failures, they will all be used to fulfill the purpose and the plan that he has for me. He needed me to realize that I need to stop hiding and start trusting. He isn't going to accomplish much if I'm not willing to be who he called me to be.
A few weeks ago I ordered a new pair of glasses online. I've been wearing the same glasses for at least 8 years and they were starting to fall off of me as well....who knew that glasses could get too big for you when you lost weight? I must have been feeling confident the day I ordered them, because I picked a pair that would definitely not allow me to go unnoticed. I had them for two weeks before I even had the courage to wear them. I finally wore them to the fair on Thursday and then again today to church.
These glasses are "me". The scarf (thanks Suzi!), which I'm usually too afraid to wear, is "me". They may not be the Tammy that people are familiar with, heck, I'm still trying to familiarize myself with her, but after 32 years, I have finally decided to come out of hiding, little by little, accessory by accessory, thought by thought.
I'm starting to love who I am and understand what it actually means to trust God. I'm starting to accept that not everyone will (or does) like me and what I believe in. My purpose is not to be liked by everyone...although I know I'm going to need to remind myself of that frequently...my purpose is to love, follow and serve the God who made me. In order to do all that He has planned for me, I need to love and celebrate the person he has made me, the body he gave me and the path he paved for me. I need to trust that as long as I am honoring Him with the choices I make and giving Him the glory, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.
I'm starting to appreciate that even though I'm still an incredibly slow runner, someone else who is also slow and about to give up might read my story and know that even though they aren't as fast as everyone else, they aren't alone. You can call yourself a runner even if it takes you longer to finish the race than everyone else.
I'm starting to realize that even though I've lost nearly 125 pounds, most people don't care about how far you've come, they only care about where you are now. Since my "now" is still technically "obese", most people don't count it as a victory. But my "now" is not the end and I haven't given up. Maybe there is someone who needs to know that sometimes it takes a long time to get to where you want to be and the only thing that matters is that you never stop trying. Some days don't go as planned, some months don't go as planned, but you just keep pushing forward, resting in the fact that His mercies are new every morning and trusting that God will get you there and make you lean on him during the process.
They have played a song called Oceans by Hillsong a couple of times at church recently. The song is about God calling Peter out onto the water, to simply come and trust that he would be safe. I haven't been able to make it through the song without tears and the bridge has become my constant prayer lately
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
What waters is God calling you into? I know that they might seem rough, it might be like going out into the middle of a storm, but know that you aren't alone. There is someone who needs you to step out and take that leap of faith into the unknown, out of the winepress and into the marvelous light.
Dang - So much of this post could have been written by me! It's such a relief to know that I am not the only one who has tried to hide themself! I am sitting here, at work, with tears rolling down my face because you put so much of this in to words that I haven't been able to do. Time to print this off and show to my husband so he understand a little better.
ReplyDeleteThank You!!