He will never fail us

The Daniel Fast continues, except I don't really think I'm going to call it a fast anymore.  I don't feel like I'm fasting, I feel like we've just modified our eating to be like the allowed foods on the Daniel Fast.  On Sunday, I decided I was going to take a half day break from the fast because my dad was coming for a visit and I was making lunch for more than just my kiddos.  I made spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic bread.  I feel like it is rude to prepare something for other people and then not eat it myself, so I joined them.  Later on Sunday, we went to a Halloween deal at my mom's church and we got the kiddos some food.  They didn't eat much and I hadn't eaten yet and I feel awful wasting food, so I ate half of a hamburger and some coleslaw. 

a sad little bear

spidey rocking the bean bag toss

I was back on track yesterday though and have been doing well today.  I'm actually quite pleased with the amount of control I've exercised the past few days.  My mom sent banana bars and banana bread home with us and I haven't touched them.  Her banana bars are pretty much my favorite treat and I usually can't stop myself once I've had one.  I have also stayed far away from Halloween candy.  I don't think I've ever made it to October 30th without completely gorging myself on Halloween candy before.

I know I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm really trying to focus on becoming more prayerful lately.  When I pray, I try to use the P.R.A.Y. method to help keep me focused. 

Praise - Worship and Adoration for God

Repent - Confessing all of the yucky stuff I've done and in my heart

Ask - Specific requests for areas you need God to show up

Yield - Acknowledging that even though this is what you want, God is in control and you are ok with that...basically saying "not my will, but yours"

I found myself feeling like I was being disingenuous during the praise portion of my prayer the other day and it has bothered me since then.  It obviously reveals some things about where my heart is at right now and I am struggling with it.  I know and trust that God is sovereign, mighty, powerful, merciful, awesome, etc.  As as I was proclaiming these words, I had to stop and ask myself if I actually felt that way.  To be completely honest, I had to answer no.  Even though I know that God is all of these things and in my heart I believe them, I have a really hard time feeling it.  I kind of felt that if I haven't truly experienced and felt these attributes of God, then I shouldn't be saying them.

I spent a long time talking with Him to help me be aware of these things so that I can genuinely proclaim them and fully feel them in my heart.  I asked him to help me identify what is going on in my heart that is preventing me from feeling these things.  I'm still waiting to fully figure that out, but I did find a very specific way to pray, the exact same way that Moses prayed in Exodus 33:18 - Moses said, "Please, show me your glory." 

I am faithfully praying that God will show me His glory.  This requires me to be more aware of what He is doing in my life and not taking credit for it myself.  As someone who is by nature an achiever, it is so easy for me to take credit for things but when I stop and look back, it is so plain to see that God had his hand in it.

We sang the song "God is Able" by Hillsong on Sunday morning at church.  We've sung it many times before and I really love it, but this time as I was watching the lyrics on the screen and singing along, I completely broke down

God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us

I just stood there and cried and prayed for the remainder of the song because I couldn't form any words through my quivering lips.  I fully know, feel and believe with all of my heart that God will never fail us because He has never failed me.  He is answering me and showing me His glory.  He is unfailing and I can proudly pray that, so we're off to a start. 

Now I'm off to bake a birthday cake for my little girl.  She turns four years old tomorrow and I can hardly believe it.  Four years ago today I was just starting to go into labor, so excited to be a mom for the very first time.  It is amazing how much can change in four years, and I am loving it!        

Coffee and Convenience

It is day number 5 on the Daniel Fast. 

Like I mentioned in a previous post, we are modifying the fast slightly and our main focus is on avoiding dairy, meat and preservatives.  James told me before we started the fast that he thought I should keep having my Nutella/Aldi Berryhill Hazelnut Spread in the morning since I actually found a breakfast that I will eat with regularity.  Nutella pretty much doesn't fit into the fast at all, but I was very happy with his recommendation because it is allowing me to keep a good routine down.

I have been having oatmeal with 1/1.5 tablespoons of Nutella and a banana pretty much every morning for the past three weeks or so.  It keeps me satiated for much longer than most breakfast foods.  So while the Nutella might not be a great choice, it is much better than the coffee and donut(s) that I used to get from the gas station in the morning.  I tried to replace Nutella with peanut butter the other day and it was not good. 

I think the thing I'm missing the most right now is actually coffee.  I wouldn't consider myself addicted to coffee or caffeine, I can easily go without it.  I just really enjoy my morning and mid afternoon coffee.  I had small group on Wednesday evening and we meet at Caribou and I thought about being really naughty and getting a delicious coffee beverage, but instead I got a Sparkling Mint Lime White Tea, which also doesn't fit the fast, but it was somehow more appropriate in my mind. 

The other thing that gets a bit tricky when fasting is convenience.  There isn't much convenience foods that fit into the fast and I needed something today.  This morning was rough.  Getting myself and three kids out the door in the morning is a bit like playing Russian Roulette.  Some mornings are fine and everyone is compliant and we get out the door with no issues.  Other mornings, it is a disaster and I think someone is filming my life and laughing.  Yesterday morning was one of those mornings.  As I was trying to dress a screaming two year old who didn't agree with my choice of socks, my half naked almost four year old stood at my side sobbing because she didn't want to wear pants with her dress (Minnesota weather makes life with independent children difficult) and then suddenly proceeded to empty her bladder on the rug at my feet…apparently she forgot to use the bathroom before the pants freakout.  Cleaning up an ocean of pee wasn't really in my plans for the morning and I didn’t have time to get my lunch together.

I ended up running to the Rainbow by my office and decided to see if I could find anything by Amy's Kitchen.  I love Amy's frozen meals, but they are so expensive so I don't get them very often.   I decided to give the Black Bean Tamale Verde a shot since it pretty much completely fit in the fast.  

 

It was delicious, I think I'm going to have to try and replicate it at home.

I'm not sure if it is the fast or restarting the couch to 5k at a faster pace, but the numbers on the scale are dropping quickly.  I lost about 4 pounds this week alone.  It is nice to see some progress again.  The crazy thing is that I've gone over my calorie limit nearly every single day, but still seeing movement, so I am pretty happy.  I'm not expecting this to last that long, but I'll take it to get me motivated again.

We've got lots of fun stuff going on this weekend, I'm sure I'll be exhausted by the end of the day on Sunday.

Thanks for reading, hope you all have a wonderful weekend!   

Rules

I love rules.  I have pharisaical tendencies.

This is something that I've kind of always known about myself, but I tend to forget at times.  I'm the type of person that likes to be told what to do and I enjoy following the directions in Ikea packages.  I don't do well with the undefined.  Asking me to come up with a "vision" for something is enough to make me hurl because I don't do well with thinking of things outside of my little world.  I'm completely comfortable getting outside of my world as long as someone tells me how to get there.   

Rules, schedules, order, directions, routines....they are all things that I find to be completely necessary in my life.  I am far more disciplined when I have these things in place.  That is why this journey is particularly difficult for me at times.

I desperately want someone to just tell me, eat this, this and that and do this and you will loose all of the weight that you want.  Yes, it is as easy a making sure you burn more calories than you consume, but the options for consuming and burning are endless.  It leaves too much wiggle room for me.  I need more structure.

I lasted one week off of a training schedule after my 10K before I realized that I needed to do something new that would keep me in a routine with set times and miles.  I was excited about just being able to do whatever I wanted, but I quickly realized that didn't work for me.  I decided to re-start the Couch to 5K Program with my own slight modifications.  This time, during the walking intervals, I'm running at my normal, super slow pace (13:00/13:30 minute miles) and during the running intervals, I'm kicking it up to 10:00 minute miles (6 mph).  I finished Week 2 Day 1 on Monday and it is going much easier than I thought it would be.  When I started last time around back in March, I flew off the treadmill when I tried to do 6 mph, so I'll call it progress. 

Then of course, we have the endless choices for calories going in.....choices which I've been struggling significantly with over the last three weeks.  I just can't seem to get back on track, I start the day off really well, but then I always get derailed some time after lunch.  I need to reset.

James has been wanting to do The Daniel Fast for quite a while.  I kept making all kinds of excuses for why it wasn't the right time, but now, I've finally given in.  I'll write a longer, more detailed blog about the Daniel Fast soon, but for those of you who aren't familiar with it, it is a fast based out of Daniel Chapter 10. He ate only "plain and simple" foods during a 3 week time of prayer and fasting.

There are many iterations of the fast, but the main focus is to eat only fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts & seeds and legumes.  No meat, dairy, preservatives, sugar, processed foods, etc.....which makes preparation an essential part of this fast.  We have done the fast before, in January of 2008, which just happens to be when I got pregnant with our first kiddo.

We technically started the fast today, but since I hadn't planned/prepared well enough, I'm considering tomorrow my actual start day.  We're not being completely legalistic and are allowing some wiggle room since we've still got three kiddos to feed, but for the most part, we are following the plan.     

I am hoping that three weeks of cutting out the things that are easily accessible and convenient for me to fill my mouth with, will help me get back on track.    

I need to get on track not only with eating and exercise, but also in my daily time with God.  Sine I am so into routines, I'm also very into lists.  Reading my Bible at the end of the day is on my list of things to do.  I've found myself trying to rush through my reading plans so that I can mark it as complete and I'm not taking the time to actually absorb the words.  I decided to cut back on the amount of reading that I do each day so that I actually take more time to focus on the little portions that I am reading.  I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not reading it to cross it off, but because I want to know and understand God on another level.  

I hope to be back in a few days with a good report!  Hope you are all enjoying October, it is flying by!  We've already been enjoying some Halloween festivities. 

Creation waits with eager longing

I LOVE being outside, especially during the fall.  Fall in Minnesota is pretty much the reason that I love to live here.

I had planned today out in my head and filled it with a lot of laundry, organization and cleaning.  However, after breaking up multiple fights and cleaning up banana slices that were vigorously thrown at the floor (with a smirk) all before 7am, I quickly decided that plans were going to have to change if I was going to remain sane. 

I decided it was a good day to take the kids on a fall adventure/scavenger hunt.  I borrowed an idea from a friend and made the two big kids a picture list of eight things they should search for on our adventure.  I called up my mom to see if she wanted to join us, and she did, so we headed down to Lebanon Hills and picked her up along the way.

I love Lebanon Hills because they have a lot of great unpaved paths that are long enough to keep the kids occupied for a while, but short enough for their little legs to not grow weary.  I used to walk there frequently when I was fresh out of college and got to know the trails pretty well. 

I got my little dude all set in the Kelty carrier and got the other two kiddos their lists and we were off!

We saw lots of leaves, geese, dogs, rocks, birds and flowers.  We saw some milkweed and got to explain how the seeds come out and fly with the wind so that they can grow somewhere else.  We listened to the different kinds of sounds that various types of birds make.  We heard lots of airplanes (a constant reminder that we are still very much in the "city") but couldn't see them because it was so foggy. 

Checking out the milkweed

It was so much fun.  The kids did great, which made me really happy.  It was so nice to be able to share one of my favorite things with them and start teaching them about God's amazing creation.



Little dude had a fun time hanging out on my back

Most of my favorite childhood memories are of hiking and swimming with my family at Flandrau State Park.  We used to take the "Dam Trail" all the time and thought it was hilarious that we got to say dam and not get in trouble.

I am so excited to spend time exploring with my kids.  Sometimes I have to watch my thoughts because I get anxious for them to be bigger so that we can go on longer hikes, but I don't want to wish away this time while they are young.  They are taking in so much right now and everything is a learning experience.  It would be so much fun to see the world through their eyes.  

Grandma and Rory

As we were about halfway through the trail, I thought to myself, I never would have attempted this a year ago.  I would have been far too tired, far too exhausted and would have spent the day inside instead.  The changes I am making, although extremely difficult at times, are allowing me to help my kiddos form the same love of the outdoors that I grew up with and still have.  I hope to have many more days like today, and hopefully, someday James and I will have the same days off so we can have the entire family together.  I love getting out with the kiddos, but it is always a little bit sad when daddy isn't there, especially when I know he would love to be.

I think they had a good time judging by the trip home.

We finished the day off as we do every Saturday and headed to church.  I don't typically find myself writing anything down during the service, but today there were two quotes by our pastor Jason Strand that I had to write down so that I would remember them.  Our current series, Talk to Me, is about prayer, something that I've been trying to spend a lot more time and energy on lately.  Here are the two quotes that struck a chord with me

• "We don't try God, we worship God"
• "Persistence moves the heart and the hand of God"

We shouldn't be praying to God as a last resort, we should be praying because He is God and we desire to be in a genuine relationship with Him.  I know that I frequently forget this in some areas of my life and I try to make it on my own and only turn to Him when I realize that I can't cut it.  I'm so thankful for his unfailing love and grace.  I've been thinking so much about grace lately and it just completely blows my mind.  I'm sure I'll write a post about it soon.

What are you trying to handle on your own that you need to turn over to God?  My challenge for you today is to stop reading this right now and pray.  Not only for that thing, but that you would remember to seek him always and pray not just when you need something, but because you want to be close to Him.  

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, ESV

 

 

 

Hangry

It has been a rough week. 

I titled this blog post hangry (a hunger that turns to anger) because that pretty much sums up the majority of my emotional continuum this week.  I have been RAVENOUS.  I'm not sure if it is just my body trying to bulk up now that the weather is colder or what, but fighting that urge to want to eat everything in site is exhausting.  I hate analyzing EVERY single piece of food that I put in my mouth.  Tracking calories is extremely helpful for me, but also extremely defeating on bad days.  

It is so easy to see how I gained so much weight while James and I were dating and newly married.  We frequently dinned out and I'm learning very quickly that it is nearly impossible to not completely blow any kind of a calorie limit while at a restaurant.  James brought me a cinnamon roll from Perkin's on Wednesday and the stupid thing was 600 calories.  That is over 1/3 of my daily calorie goal....and in the past I would have eaten one and then a plate full of pancakes, eggs and bacon.  

I have these thoughts about how much I hate restricting the food that I put in my mouth, and then I go and look at pictures or read a blog about Haiti and I just cry because of how completely ridiculous it is that I even get upset about having an abundance of food to force myself not to eat.  We are so unbelievably blessed in this country.  My daily struggle is due to an abundance of food while millions of people around the world struggle to find enough food to feed their families.....convicting....and yet I still get bitter and angry, I am praying so hard that God would change my heart.

My prayer in general lately has just been that God would help me see the areas on my life and in my character that I need to work on, that I need to surrender to him to help me change.  Obviously, my struggle with food is a huge problem, but He has been showing me that I need to choose joy and contentment far more often than I do.

Joy is not something that comes naturally to me.  There wasn't a lot of joy in my home growing up and it just isn't a feeling that I tend to have.  My mother in law and sister in law just happen to be two of the most joy filled people I know.  Both of them have struggled with cancer and both of them continue to have more joy than most people I know.  They are truly an inspiration and a constant reminder to me.

I never fail at finding something to be discontent about.  I looked at my pictures and the video of me finishing the 10K and all I could think about was how ridiculous I looked.  Not, "wow, I actually did it, I crossed the finish line", just "gross, I look ridiculous".  

I had to do two projects for the classes I went to the past couple of weeks ago and I submitted them feeling pretty confident that I covered everything.  I got a 99/100 on both of them and I was upset.  1 point away from perfect...not good enough.

The examples could continue to spew out of my brain, but I'll spare you the details, I'm sure you get it by now.

Just once in my life I would like to actually feel a sense of accomplishment or contentment for things that I have done....but I never let myself get there.  The most annoying thing about all of this is that I am aware of it, I know I do it, I know it is not good, I know that I should be joyful, but I just can't seem to make it happen.  I think it is going to have to be something that I need to constantly remind myself of until it just becomes a habit.

I was looking for something that I can post around the house or carry with me to pray over to help me get this through my thick skull and I found some comfort in Psalm 63, specifically verse 5.


3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,

my lips will praise you.

 

4 So I will bless you as long as I live;

in your name I will lift up my hands.

 

5 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

 

6 when I remember you upon my bed,

and meditate on you in the watches of the night;

 

7 for you have been my help,

and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

I will never be able to be the source of my own joy.  I will never be pleased enough in my accomplishments.  I need to find my joy in the ONLY person that can fully provide true joy and contentment, the one whose steadfast love is better than life.  I have been trying to be more mindful of my discontentment lately and when I notice myself being discontented, I'm trying to stop myself to find something about the whatever I am upset about to thank God for.   

Sorry for the emotional overload.  This life change stuff is difficult at times.

Thanks for reading, and hopefully, the next post will be more joy filled.

As I often do, I'll leave you with a song that I can't get out of my head lately

 

Weight Loss Progress Pictures and a few other remarks about this seemingly never ending journey

Not gonna lie, when I looked at the pictures of myself after completing the 10K, I was disappointed.  I feel like I should look smaller than I do....which is seriously crazy.  I still weigh 271 pounds, I still have about 100 pounds left to loose.

I had to search and dig for older pictures to remind myself of how far I have come.  This was no easy task since finding a full body picture of myself taken anywhere between 2003 and 2012 is nearly impossible.  I think there are only about 10 of them in existence...which is really sad considering I've gotten married and had three kids in that time.  There should be far more, but I always feel like I'm ruining a picture by being in it.  I'm sure a lot of you have already read it, but I recently read an article called "The Mom Stays in the Picture" that made me determined to change this.  I cried like a baby.

Since I went through the trouble of finding pictures to remind myself, I thought I'd share them with you.

I found this lovely gem from my little sister's college graduation in May 2007.  I don't think this was quite at my heaviest (355 lbs), but it is pretty darn close.  I'm probably around 345 here and wearing a size 28.

 

I honestly don't remember being this big, I don't think I ever realized that I was this big.  As awful as this picture is, I was actually really happy that I found it.

The next one is after having two kiddos.  It is from April 2010, so about 5 months after baby number two, and I'm guessing I'm around 325. 

 

 

This one is from August 2011, one month after having baby number 3 and enjoying some ice cream on my birthday.  I think I was 330 or so at that point.  The weight didn't come off nearly as quickly the third time around. 

 

Here I am a couple of weeks ago

Here is yesterday (271 pounds)

 

Progress has been made, but I still have so very far to go.  As much as I want to pretend that this is all about being healthier, I also have to acknowledge that there is a very large part of me that just wants to be ok with what I see in the mirror and in the pictures that I look at.  I'd love to be able to say that none of that matters, but I'm just not there yet.  Hopefully some day I will be.

I did have one little victory this past week that helped me realize that I am making progress.  Since I was out of town for work again, I decided to take some time and go shopping.  Getting the chance to go to the mall without a kiddo in tow is a rare opportunity, so I seized it! 

I knew that Forever 21 had plus size sections in some of their stores, so I decided to check it out since their clothes aren't astronomically expensive.  The last pair of pants that I bought was a 24 (the grey ones above) and I was shocked when they fit.  The biggest size I could find at Forever 21 was a size 20.  It took me about 15 minutes to work up the courage to actually go and try them on, but man, was I happy that I did.  THEY FIT!  Like completely, 100% fit.  I didn't have to squeeze anything in, I was just able to zip them up.  I just stood in the dressing room with a ginormous smile on my face for a good 5 minutes and then walked around the store for another 10 or so trying to decide if I should actually buy them or not.  I decided to pick up a shirt to go with them and walked out of the store with a whole new outfit for about $25...still much more than I like to spend, but a little non-food reward (I pretty much don't buy clothes unless they are on clearance or from Savers). 

While I was walking around trying to decide if I should buy them or not, I started to feel a bit overwhelmed.  I've been fat my entire life.  I've never been able to just go to a regular store, look for clothes that I thought were cute and then bought them.  I've had to start with about 4 or 5 racks of plus size clothes (compared to the hundreds of normal sizes), look for something that I sort of liked and then pray that they had a size that would fit me.  I've never developed my own "style" because I've always been limited by size.  I honestly started to get a bit anxious as I strolled through the store....I wouldn't even know where to start if I could fit into "normal" sized clothes.  The options increase substantially, and it was a little bit scary to think about being able to choose from some day.  I really don't know how anyone who wears a normal size determines what they buy with the seemingly limitless options....it would take me much more time than I have. 

So that is where I'm at.  I'm about 8 pounds away from my half way marker of 91 pounds lost and trying very hard to stay focused and remain positive.  This really is the most difficult thing I've ever done.  I need to get back in gear with using My Fitness Pal and figure out a good workout plan now that I'm done with my 10K training.

Do any of you have a great workout plan that you stick to?  There is a Zumba class at my office on Thursday evenings, so I think I might check that out.  I'm going to keep running twice a week or so, but probably only do 6-9 miles a week until spring. 

             



Twin Cities 10K Race Report

Hi All!

I'm back and happy to report that I completed the Twin Cities 10K!  My goal was to be under 14:00 a mile and my biggest goal was to just be done in 1:30:00.  Here are my results

I was pleased with my results, especially since it only 28 degrees out!  The coldest I had run in was upper 40's, so it was a completely new experience for me.  We were so cold waiting until the start that we just tried to keep moving and checked out a few of the tents.

Here we are pre-race

The race started up-hill, which was a killer.  I think I was pretty much ready to stop when we got halfway up the hill, my legs were not adjusting to the cold.  I was seriously wondering what I had gotten myself into when I felt like quiting after the first 1/4 mile, but I kept on.  I just had to find a good pace and rhythm, which was really difficult for me to do for some reason.  I think it was around mile 3 that I actually felt like I was in a good groove.  The first three miles seemed to take FOREVER!  I did take a couple of quick walk breaks in the middle, which I was disappointed about, but I definitely wasn't alone, so that helped. 

There were so many people along the route cheering us on, it was really awesome.  I gave and received a lot of high-5's along the way.  I went without music, something I've been trying to do lately, so that I could free up my mind.  I just kept repeating the bridge to one of my favorite songs lately, All Things Possible, by Mark Schultz

 My God is strong and mighty
My God is faithful
My hope is in the Lord
For He is able 
 

The course was an out and back route, which meant that the end would be all down hill....thank God for that!  Around mile 5 I really wanted to be done, but I ended up running along side a couple who were both around my size for the last mile.  Since I am one, I'm always going to have a place in my heart for the underdog, the people who don't look the part, but are out there giving it their all.  The woman was really struggling, but her husband was so encouraging and she just kept pushing through and was able to run all the way to the end even though she desperately wanted to walk.  I was just so encouraged by them that it helped me keep going as well.

James has been so good at encouraging me and he found someone to cover his shift at work at the last minute so he was able to attend.  He brought our middle son with and they were near the finish line cheering me on.  The poor little dude was so cold, but it was really nice to see both of them at the end.

Coming down the hill at the end was a bit surreal.  It was awesome to see and hear the masses of people.  The finish line was so close, but it seemed to take forever to cross.  I was so relieved to watch my feet cross that mat. 

I got my medal and a granola bar and started walking to find my boys.  We stopped for a picture, but then quickly headed to the car....which was parked up hill and about half a mile away, that was fun.

 

The high from finishing the race was quickly deflated by a very cold, tired and crabby 2 year old boy who cried the entire way home.

The rest of the day was pretty low key.  We enjoyed family nap time and then headed out to church.  We took in the service on a big comfy couch in the cafe area with our two older kiddos, my sister and brother in law, and James' sister and her husband.  There wasn't much room to move, but the amount of love on that couch was pretty awesome, it was a great way to spend the service.       

All in all, it was a pretty great day.  Thanks to everyone who supported me and gave me encouragement, it was very much appreciated.  I'm not really sure what my next big adventure will be, but I'm sure you'll be the first to know when I figure it out :-)