The Snowman....He Mocks Me

I am half way there.  This is what my training schedule looks like

I'm one of those crazy list people that adds things to a list just so I can cross them off.  Being able to cross off each of these runs/workouts gives me great satisfaction.

Saturday was a long run day - six miles at a slow pace.  I've run six or more miles quite a few times at this point, so I wasn't expecting it to be as difficult as it was for me.  It was the longest six miles I have ever run, that is for sure.

I think I spent over half of it either walking or in tears because I was just so frustrated.  It was pretty humid and getting warmer by the time I got out for a run, but it wasn't horrible.  I really didn't understand why I was having such a difficult time.

I was really excited when I made it to my turn around point.

I have run by this snowman many times and I swear he mocks me every single time.  I had to run up the hill that the snowman sits on top of to then go down a little hill to get to my turn around point and every single step up that blessed hill was torture.  I was happy to turn around and get him out of my sight.

The second half was just as brutal as the first and about a mile from home I finally realized why I was struggling so much and why I have been struggling so much with all of my training runs lately.  I feel like I'm failing.

I was so excited to start training for this race and to run this race because it was a chance for me to combine my efforts at improving my health with making an impact in the lives of others.  I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to find motivation to train for my second half marathon.  The first time around, I was running purely on the motivation of doing something that I had never done before and thought I could never do.  Now that I know my body is capable of it, I'm finding that I really need something outside of myself to keep me going.  As of Saturday morning, I had only received one donation. 

I have a really big goal, but this time it isn't a running goal, this time it is a goal to provide clean water for people who aren't nearly as fortunate as we are, simply because they were born in another country.  People who are forced to drink water from the same place that animals bathe and drink.  Water that is not at all fit for drinking.

Photo from John Warren/WorldVision

 



I want the fact that I am making a difference to be able to keep me motivated when my runs get difficult.  I want to know that I'm doing this for someone else and not just for me. 

This is where I'm at today - 13% to my goal.  So much progress to make.

I'm not saying any of this to guilt people into giving, that isn't at all what this is about, and I really only want people to give if they are excited about it.  I'm just being honest and letting you know that training for this thing is kicking my rear, in a really big way.  So if you aren't able to help financially, I would love it if you would consider praying for health, endurance and peace.

I'm not giving up.  I will be crossing that finish line.  One step at a time. 

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.  Hebrews 10:35-36

I am confident that I am supposed to be doing this.  I know that God will get me through it.  I will overcome.



Catching Up

I suppose I should probably write a new post or something.....it has been 23 days since the last one and that feels like a really long time ago.

We've been very busy since then.  Here are some of the highlights from that time

• Family trip to middle of nowhere Wisconsin July 2-4
• I don't have any pictures on this computer, but it was a lot of fun and also extremely exhausting.  Huge thank you to my brother-in-law for letting us join him in a BEAUTIFUL "cabin" that was much nicer and larger than our home.  It was nice to enjoy time with family and I even got out for a 4 mile run while we were there. 

• 4th of July Fireworks with the entire family
• I thought I had some pictures, but I can't seem to find them now.  Everyone survived and I got kind of emotional because it was the first time we've ever been able to go with the whole family

• James took a weekend trip to Wisconsin and I held down the fort 
• I may have bribed them with ice cream on Friday night....shhh....don't tell anyone, k

• I did The Color Run
• It was a blast.  I wasn't at all worried about time, I just wanted to have fun.  I ran with my friend Kelley and we had a great time.  I even found my Sister-in-Law and her family at the end of the race and we snapped a few pictures.  I completely recommend this as an active family activity or for someone who wants a good first 5K goal, so much fun and no pressure.  This is the first time I've actually run along side someone else for a race and it made the time fly by, I might have to find running partners more often.  I promised Rory that if she could walk/run three miles by this time next year she could do it with me.

• We enjoyed the wonderfully awful Ramsey County Fair.  I'd say it is the biggest disgrace for a county fair, but we went to one up in Two Harbors, MN once that was pretty terrible too.

 All three kiddos checking out some sheep

 Rory and Rage on the Helicopter Ride

 Rory and Rage on the 4 Wheeler Ride

 The coolest thing at the fair....a cow that you can "milk"

On our way home.  Her legs got tired.  Go figure.

• My baby turned 2 and we had a great family party with my niece who turned 1

 Oskar (2) and Etta (1)

 Our family (Thanks for such a great photo Chris!)

Two year difference for my little Oskar man

• I hurt my hip....trying to lay off running to recover but it doesn't really feel like it is improving.  No idea what happened.  It bothered me last summer but was fine for the fall, winter and spring.  Now it has returned with a vengeance.  

• I'm in Wisconsin for work for the next couple days
• I love my family, but it is kind of glorious to have time to myself for the next couple of days.  I plan on using every minute of it!

So other than that, not too much is going on.  I lost a ton of weight (close to 6 pounds) the 2nd week in July for no apparent reason and then I went completely off the rails and couldn't stop eating last week/weekend and gained pretty much all of it back.  I was bound and determined to make Monday a better day and have done a pretty good job of keeping things in line since then.  It was kind of scary how little control I had last week.  I consumed like 3,500 calories one day, which is 2,000 more than my goal.  I learned a lot from it and I'm looking forward.  I need a way to keep my hormones in check....guys, be thankful you don't have to deal with this lovely aspect of weight loss.

God has been working on softening my heart a lot lately.  I've been really bitter/angry with our work/family schedule lately and it has been taking a toll on our relationship. We're working through it and God is showing up big time.  The last two weeks at church our usual worship leader was out and the guy filling in for him just completely crushed me with his little devotional/talks before the final songs.  Both weeks I just cried during the last worship song because God used him to speak right to my heart with issues that were very present in my life that day.  I love my church.

On Oskar's actual birthday I was having a particularly rough evening because James was home with the kids during the day but had to work that night so he had to go to bed as soon as I got home and we didn't get to spend the evening as a family.  I know he needs to sleep so he can function at work, but I still let it bother me way too much.  I was feeling so alone because I just miss being able to spend time together as a family.  As I was tucking Rory in for bed, I was exhausted.  She asked me to read from a children's devotional book that I got for them and I told her it was too late, but she quickly reminded me of something I had once told her..."but Mommy, we always have time for God".  So glad I have my little accountability girl.  I found the entry for the day and started to read through it and had to stop to gain composure a couple of times.  Here is what it said

It is a pretty small picture, so in case you can't read it, Matthew 18:20 is the verse for the day

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

The commentary goes on to say, "When you and your family pray before dinner, God is there. When you play outside with a friend in the world God created, God is there.  When you sing a song about God or thank him for all the great things he's given you, God is there.  So when you want to spend time with God, grab a friend.  Then invite God to join you."

It was a very needed reminder for me that day that I'm never alone.  God is always with me and I just felt like he was giving me a great big hug when I read this.  I'm so thankful that I have a little girl who loves Jesus so very much.  She is always asking questions that get us discussing God and how wonderful he is.  It is truly a blessing to have her around.

I think that about does it for now.  Not much else going on.  Thanks for reading!  Have a wonderful day!

What would a post be if I didn't share one of my favorite songs of late :-)

Surprise Encouragement

I think Summer weather has finally found its way to Minnesota.  I am very happy about this.

We've been busy since I last posted, it seems like whenever there is a nice day, we take full advantage of it.

Last Sunday Rory, Rage and I made the trek down to New Ulm to visit my dad.  It was Take a Kid Fishing Weekend, so we planned to go fishing, it was the first time for my kiddos.  We did a lot of fishing growing up and I have many great memories, so I was excited to get some fishing memories started with my kiddos.  The weather wasn't super cooperative, but we found about 45 minutes to get out to the pier at Clear Lake and see what we could catch.  We got a bullhead, carp and sunfish and I think the kids had a great time.

On Tuesday evening, we ventured out to Lake Elmo Park Reserve for a picnic and some time at the playground.  Rain cut that trip short as well, but we had a good time.  It is so nice to have such a wonderful park so close by. 

Friday evening we went to the Manitou Days Parade in White Bear Lake with my sister in law and her family.  Last year, I ran the 5K before the parade, it was my first official race.  I decided not to run it this year because it wasn't organized all that well last year and I didn't feel like paying the registration fee.  It was nice just to enjoy the evening with our big ol family.

I love parades.  I always have and probably always will.  My kiddos share my love of parades and it is so much fun to see what they get excited about.  I hope they never lose that. 

Here are a few pictures and a video from our evening

 Rory getting the Vulcan "V"

 

Before it got smudged everywhere

 

Oskar and James

 

Me and Oskar

 

Rage dancing

 

Sleep last night was a bit rough and all of the kiddos were CRABBY today.  It was a really rough day in the parenting department for me.  I took the kiddos to Super Target today to get some groceries and it was brutal.  Usually they do a pretty decent job of listening and staying close by me, but today was not that day.  It was an endless stream of bickering, whining and running away from me.  It is always fun when we're 1 parent to 3 kids, which is most of the time.

 

I was hoping that I could get them home, get them lunch and get them down for a nap.  I even bought a special treat that they could have if they actually all took a nap.  However, both boys fell asleep in the car on the way home and that is always bad news.  Oskar is the only one that took a nap and his was super delayed.  It is hard to get through the days with all three of them without some kind of a break and today it wasn't happening. 

 

James woke up around 3:00 and got ready for church and just as we were about to head out the door, it started pouring rain.  We all got drenched on the trip to the car and there was major flash flooding on the drive to church and we went through some REALLY big puddles.  It was kind of fun :-)

 

I had planned on going for a run once we got home from church, but the weather didn't really seem like it was going to cooperate so I started wondering what I was going to do.  I was planning on doing 6 to 8 miles and really didn't want to do it on the treadmill.  We got to church and I was pretty much just numb from the day and the weather.  I was emotionally spent and I really needed to just have some time to worship and hear from God.  It was a great service, as they always are.  When they opened the doors of the worship center, I was surprised to see sunshine!  The storm passed while we were in church and the sky was clearing up.  I was pretty excited to have my plan to run outside back on, but I was still not really feeling like I had the mental capacity to do a long run.

 

We got home and grabbed the mail on the way in the house.  James handed me an envelope that was hand written and addressed to me and I had no idea what to expect.  Inside was this

 

 

It came with a note that said "Keep up the good work!!  Congratulations on your accomplishments!" and it was from someone I know from church and haven't seen in a very long time.  I got a little bit misty eyed because I really needed a reminder that it is all worth it today.  It was such a thoughtful and generous gesture and it gave me the encouragement I needed to get out there tonight and do my long run.  God is good.   

 

(You can get a necklace like this at Girlz Pearls Boutique along with a lot of other great, affordable jewelry and accessories.) 

 

I ended up running 8 miles tonight.  It was ridiculously humid so I wasn't sure how it would go, but I felt pretty good for most of it.  I realized about 4 miles in that running through a swampy/marsh area without bug spray around sunset was not a very smart idea.  However, it gave me extra incentive to keep running because if I slowed down to walk the mosquitoes were all over me.  I stopped to snap a picture near the end because it was such a pretty scene and my arms were covered instantly....it was gross.  I will remember next time to douse myself in Off! before I head out.  

 

It was really nice to just get out there and run without being part of a training program.  Although, I am considering running another half on the 4th of July, the Red, White and Boom!.  Still processing that one, having a hard time justifying a $65 race entry fee, if it wasn't for that, I'd be in.  It is a pretty decent course and as I told James on our date on Wednesday night, "I think 13 miles is reasonable enough to do once every couple months or so."  After I said it, I had to laugh at how much my life has changed over the past few months, I never would have guessed I would say anything like that.  

I hope that you all enjoy Sunday.  Happy Father's Day to any dad's out there that might be reading this!    





The honor of discipleship

Hello!

Life has been pretty great since my last post.  I had a long run on Sunday that I was hoping to do outside, but given a really cold/gloomy day and a family function around dinner time, I decided to do it on the treadmill while the kiddos were taking their afternoon nap.  I ran for a full 2 hours and 28 minutes at a 13:30 mile/hour pace.  For most runners, that pace isn't anything to be excited about, but for this girl, it was an amazing accomplishment.  I am about a month out from my first half marathon and feeling confident that I'll be able to run the entire thing if I keep my pace consistent and slow.  Slow and steady wins finishes the race.

Thursday was BEAUTIFUL.  I went for a 3 mile run around a nearby lake.  I took Lena with me and she did pretty well.  It is really nice to have a 4-legged running partner :-)  I was feeling pretty good and pushed myself a bit more than I normally would have.  When I was at about mile 2 or so, I passed by a man walking the opposite direction that I saw at the beginning of my run on the other side of the lake.  He saw me, got a big smile on his face and said, "Wow, you're still going!"  I gave him a big smile back and said, "gotta keep going."  Seriously, if God wasn't constantly giving me the courage and strength to do this, I would have quit long ago.  This isn't something that people my size do, but I'm not going to let that stop me.  It was the fastest I've ever made it around the lake, so I was pretty excited about that.  

I took Friday off of work because I headed to the Devoted Hearts Conference in Rochester with three friends.  Jen Hatmaker and Kelly Minter were the two speakers and Laura Story lead worship.  It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G..  Honestly, it was a blessing to be able to spend the past two days soaking in some amazing Bible teaching from incredible speakers alongside three ladies that I'm super thankful to have in my life.

I'm still processing much of what was said because the topic was one that has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.  The motto of the conference was "Act Justly, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly", from Micah 6:8, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, walk humbly with your God?"

I'm sure I'll have a couple of posts about the things I learned and what it means for me (lets just say I was pretty much straight up crying like a baby in a "the Holy Spirit is working something out in my heart" kind of way during Jen's closing prayer), but tonight I wanted to focus specifically on something Jen Hatmaker talked about on Friday night.

She picked Luke 10:38-42 as her focus for the night, the story of Mary and Martha

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus  entered a village. And a woman named  Martha  welcomed him into her house.  And she had a sister called  Mary, who  sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching.  But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me."  But the Lord answered her,  "Martha, Martha, you are  anxious and troubled about many things,    but one thing is necessary.  Mary has chosen  the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." 

I've always heard this taught about how we shouldn't be Martha and miss the important things in life by focusing on the silly details.  Never have I heard it taught the way Jen taught it last night, nor have I ever learned so much about the Jewish education system and training for a Rabbi.  It was fascinating.  Apparently, only a very small, select group of boys were ever given the privilege and honor of training to become a rabbi.  Their education/training was basically for them to become disciples of a rabbi.  This literally meant that they followed right behind their rabbi and imitated EVERYTHING he did.  Women were never given this honor, so when Jesus came to Martha and Mary, Mary chose discipleship.  She recognized the honor that Jesus gave to her by allowing her the opportunity to learn from him.  

 

Jen asked the question - Are we receiving the honor that discipleship is? 

 

Let that one sink in for a bit. 

 

I know that I am not even coming close to receiving that honor, but God is working in me to fully know and recognize what an honor it is. 

 

When Jen talked about the disciples following the Rabbi, I got this picture in my head of my three kiddos following right behind me.  They are always one step behind me.  If I sit down, they sit down.  If I go in the bathroom, they go in the bathroom.  They are watching everything I do and learning from it.  I am their teacher. 

 

Then it hit me.  If I want them to know, love and imitate Jesus, then they need to see me doing all of those things every step of the way.  I need to be following right behind Jesus while they follow me.  

 

Sidebar: The picture in my head pretty much looks like the Abbey Road CD cover only Jesus is John, I'm Ringo and my kiddos are Paul and George...only there are three of them, but you get the point.   

 

 

 

I'm at a phase in my life where it is very difficult to find time outside of work and raising these kiddos.  I really struggle with that because there are so many people/causes that I want to be helping.  Seeing this image in my head helped me understand the importance of teaching my kiddos how important it is to follow Jesus and made me feel peace with where I'm at today.

 

I want them to know who my teacher is.  As their mother, my main role in their life is to ensure that once they stop following me, they start following Him.  Jen summed it up so nicely in these two phrases, "there is nowhere better for us to be than directly behind Jesus" and "follow at all costs, imitate at every turn, love like he did". 

 

Who (or what) are you following?

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for more on this topic, I'm just getting started.  There is so much going on in my heart and head right now...need to process more. 

 

I'll leave you with an awesome picture of the best sister in law a girl could ask for and the one and only Jen Hatmaker. 

 

  

Enduring

I've wanted to sit down and write a post many times over the past week but I just haven't had the time or emotional energy.  I had to work 12 hours on the 17th and then I worked a regular 40 hour work week following that.  I put in close to 50 hours last week and I didn't really recover over the weekend so I'm kind of at that really fun point where one little thing might set me over the edge.  Despite that, I'm here to update on a bunch of random thoughts and happenings.

After I worked that lovely 12 hour shift last Sunday, I met a friend for coffee.   We have known each other since I was 13, so almost 18 years.  About half of those years were spent not talking to each other due to  some not-so fun college drama caused by the very immature person I used to be.  There are very few people outside of my family that know the various versions of me that have existed in my 31 years of life, she is one of them.  I cut ties with pretty much everyone I knew in college because I didn't like the person I was then and I felt a lot of shame, guilt and embarrassment for a lot of the decisions made during a three year span of my life. 

However, God isn't done with either of us and wasn't satisfied with how our relationship ended and he has been working big time in both of our lives.  Through the wonders of social networking, we reconnected a few years ago and have started to rebuild our friendship.  It is providence, plain and simple that God has us both in the spot we are in at this point in time so that we can work together to achieve some similar goals in our lives and in our faith.  

It didn't hit me until I was home from our coffee date, in my bed, spending some end of the day time with God that I realized just how different I am now compared to the girl I was in or freshly out of college.  For once in my life, I actually felt like I was a new creation.  Like God's love, patience and mercy wasn't wasted on me, He has transformed me and I am new.  Without her acknowledging that I have changed, I don't know that I would have been able to realize this.  I'm excited to get to start growing our relationship again with Christ at the center of it, which is very different from before. 

Fast forward to last Saturday & Sunday. 

I went to church on Saturday night and the message was fantastic and it started out with a running story.  I had a long run on the schedule for Sunday of 8 miles, farther than I have ever run before, so I was excited to have a little extra motivation to keep me pushing ahead.  You can check out the message here.  

The message was called "Why I Keep Going" and it was the last in our "Am I Really a Christian?" series.  Pastor Jason Anderson outlined three ways to develop endurance:

1) Push through trouble 

2) Let God shape your beliefs, not culture 

3) Draw near to God and stay there

Pretty great stuff.  One of the passages that he focused on has stuck with me and I've read it a few times this week

Therefore, my beloved,  as you have always  obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,  for  it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for  his good pleasure.  Do all things  without grumbling or  questioning,  that you may be blameless and innocent,  children of God  without blemish  in the midst of  a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine  as lights in the world,  holding fast to  the word of life, so that in  the day of Christ  I may be proud that  I did not run in vain or labor in vain. (Phil 2:12-16, ESV)

On Sunday, I started to mentally prepare for my run.  My mom came over to watch the kiddos during their nap so that I could head out on my run before James got home from work.  I headed out around 1:30 and ran on a trail that follows the Mississippi River, I was doing a 4 mile out and back trip.  The sky was overcast, it was in the low 30's and light flakes of snow were slowly falling.  In my book, it was a really crappy day for running, but I wasn't going to let that stop me.  I got my play list ready and started run keeper and I was off.  I tried really hard to focus on keeping my pace nice and slow so that I could run as long as possible before taking a walking break.  I decided that the only way I was going to make an 8 mile run was if God was with me, so I decided to take the opportunity to pray.  I prayed for the entire 8 miles, I made it about 6.5 miles before I had to take a quick walking break and walking was actually more difficult because I had formed a really nice rhythm, so I quickly went back to running.  I kept running until about mile 7 and then had to take another quick break and then I finished strong to the end.  My pace got slower with each mile, so I really want to focus on starting even slower to try and keep the pace more steady, but overall, I was happy with how the run went.

Here are the results.  I think I'll always be painfully slow, at least until I'm out of the obese/overweight category.  I run much better when I accept that.

I stopped to snap a picture quickly on my way back

The best part of the run was during mile 5 when I was headed back to the car, I was headed up a small hill and I hadn't taken a break yet and I was in complete awe of the endurance that God had given me.  The song Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture was on, the chorus of the song was on and the lyrics are

There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain

I could literally feel my body getting lighter as I powered up the hill and in my mind I just had this visual of throwing off chains and baggage and leaving them on the hill.  It was AMAZING!  It was such a reminder to me that God has helped me to get rid of the chains keeping me enslaved to food and self doubt.  He is giving me the strength to endure long runs and the difficult times in my faith.  God makes THE BEST running partner, hands down. 

Inevitably, after having a wonderful afternoon where I felt extremely connected to God, by the end of the day, I felt completely depleted and defeated.  Spiritual warfare is real friends, I strongly believe that. 

From Sunday evening through last night, I was extremely crabby, my eating was out of control and I started to have major doubts about signing up to run a half marathon.  I saw an article written by an elite athlete talking about how slow runners and people who walk are a disgrace to the sport of running and have no respect and have no place in races.  I was really irritated because they made it sound like people who aren't in the front of the pack don't train hard and don't take things seriously, which is far from true.  Then, yesterday during a quick stress-relief run before my small group, I was heckled by a passer by in a car.  It has been a while since that has happened and it crushed me. 

Last night I started to feel better after small group with my bestest ladies.  We are studying Romans and there are some really great discussion questions in the study we are doing (Romans: A Blackaby Bible Study Series). 

I did end up making an appointment with a doctor who specializes in weight loss because I'm done with being frustrated trying to figure out the right balance of nutrition on my own and there are way too many opinions out there.  I'm meeting with a doctor because I want a medical opinion, I don't want to be sold on any fad diets or products, I just want an honest assessment of where I am and where I am going.  I'm also hoping meeting with this specialist will help me set a reasonable long term goal.

Well, I suppose that about does it for updates.  If I don't get the chance to post again before Sunday, Happy Easter!!!  If you live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area and want to go to a church but don't have anyone to go with, please e-mail me!  We'd love to have you join our family and I promise it won't be weird and no one will make you do anything you don't want to do.  I am 100% serious about this.     

Unrealistic Expectations

I had a really crappy run today.

My legs felt heavy and tired, I started feeling like I was going to hurl about a mile in and I couldn't breathe very well because I had phlegm in my throat.  Just a couple weeks ago, I ran 4 miles without stopping and today I couldn't even run 2....it gets really frustrating for me to be so inconsistent. 

I think the main reason I felt so tired was due to my overall health lately.  I woke up in the middle of the night on Monday feeling like I was about to throw up and have maintained a state of nausea since then.  It has been about 4 weeks straight of GI issues for me and I'm so over it.  I went to the doctor yesterday because I don't think a diet of animal crackers, Egg McMuffins and Frosted Wheat is optimal, but that is pretty much the only foods I've been able to stomach for the past few weeks.  I feel like I have morning sickness, but I promise you, I'm not pregnant. 

My doctor ordered some lab work to check my blood count and check my liver/pancreas enzyme levels and all of those came back normal, so there is really no good explanation for why I keep feeling like garbage.  He gave me a prescription for Omeprazole because he thinks I might have the early stages of a peptic ulcer and said that I should come back in if I don't start to feel better after a week of taking that.

So we'll give it a week an hopefully I'll start to feel better, but it is really difficult to keep running and getting exercise when you feel like you are going to puke before you even start.  It is also hard to give my body the nutrients it needs on a very limited diet.

I had a couple of good cries during my run because I just felt so defeated and frustrated.  I realized when I got back home that the very first time I ran outside on the same route was about a year ago, so I decided to look at how long it took me then verses how long it took me today, even though today was crappy

This is my walk/run last year

This is my walk/run today

So over the past year, although sometimes it feels like I haven't improved at all, I have improved my average pace pretty significantly.  But I expected so much more for myself.

I tend to have unrealistic expectations frequently in my life, especially when it comes to personal expectations.  This theme in my life has generally lead to success in academics and work, but I really think if I don't get my physical expectations under control, it could end up being my downfall.

The problem is that I have no idea what reasonable expectations even look like.  I've always been a shoot for the moon kind of girl.  I thought about asking my doctor if there is someone I could set up an appointment with to try and help me set realistic expectations for my overall fitness levels.  I don't want to self destruct or sabotage the progress that I've made and I definitely feel that coming on some days.  

This afternoon as I was headed to pick up Ragerpants for his OT appointment, I heard a song that I've heard many times before, Remind Me Who I Am, by Jason Gray.  They overplay it so I don't always listen, but today I was actually paying attention to this portion of the song and it really hit deep

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

The last line has pretty much been my prayer lately.  I know God loves me but I have such a hard time believing it some days.  I just want to be confident in that and be able to love myself enough to celebrate my accomplishments without always focusing on what needs to be improved.

I realize for regular readers that you are probably saying to yourselves, "this girl says the same thing over and over".  It is true, I do tend to struggle over and over with the same things, but I'm not giving up!  That must count for something, right?

I did look at graphical representation of my weight over the past eight years or so today and it was kind of exciting to see that I weigh less than I have in quite a while.  This is just from doctor appointments, so it doesn't capture everything, but it is an accurate representation.  The peak was when I was 8 months pregnant with my first kiddo and I don't count pregnancy weight in my overall weight loss, but if I did, my total weight loss would be around 125 pounds. 

I just have to remember that no matter how slowly it is happening, I am moving in the right direction.

Thanks for reading and listening to me "unpack" this stuff over and over.  I know it probably gets old, but it is my life :-)

 
 
     

What a difference 4 years can make

Well, I promised pictures.  I only have one new picture, I was hoping for more, but I've had a sick little dude for the past couple of days and I'm starting to get the lovely crud that he has so there hasn't been much accomplished the past few days in our home.

This is how I spent my day on Thursday

Here is a picture of me on Thanksgiving 4 years ago with my daughter, Rory.  (Yes, daughter, we bought the outfit before we knew if baby was a boy or girl)

I think I was probably around 370 or something like that, I still had some pregnancy weight at this point, which I don't count in my weight loss totals because it just doesn't seem right. 

Here we are last Sunday on our way out the door to the Disney on Ice show. 

 

 

Getting to the show proved to be an interesting experience, or "adventure" as my husband decided to call it.  We got about 10 inches of snow last weekend and it was still snowing as we headed out.  The roads were HORRIBLE to say the least, but I headed out and made it safely to downtown Minneapolis, where there happened to be a Vikings game getting out at the exact same time.  I texted James from a stoplight and he looked me up on google latitude and quickly gave me a follow up phone call...."Hun, where are you?  The show is at the Xcel (in St. Paul)."  Insert mass hysteria and panic on my end at that point.

 

I didn't look at the stupid tickets.  James purchased them, I printed them out, but never paid any attention to where it was.  It was at the Target center last time, so I just assumed it was there again this time.  So there we were, downtown Minneapolis, supposed to be in downtown St. Paul and it was 4:30 and the show started at 5:00.  Traffic was at a standstill with the unplowed roads and I had a complete breakdown.  I felt so helpless because I was just stuck, we had moved about a car length in 20 minutes.  I finally decided to take some side roads and hope that I could find an alternate entrance to any highway.  We finally made it to the show during the intermission so at least we saw the last half, and Rory didn't really know any different, so we still had a good time.

 

Yesterday I decided to get outside for a run, I had 4 miles on the schedule and the weather was pretty decent so I was looking forward to a little bit of time to myself.  About 3/4 miles into my run my phone rang, it was James and he had locked himself out of the house with our sick son.  So I turned around and headed back home to let them in and then did another short run around our neighborhood.  It felt really good, I like running in the cold weather (thanks, Kelley, for the heads up on the Cuddle Duds, made a WORLD of difference).  My goal for the Polar Dash is to have 12:00 minute miles or less and I was very close yesterday on a nice and easy run, so I'm hopeful that it will happen.  

 

Eating this week was a bit of a challenge for me.  I hate hormones....I will leave it at that.  I need to learn to find a way to keep control even when everything in my body is screaming for more.

 

That is all for now, enjoy the day!