Finding my way to beautiful

I'm sitting down to write a blog that I don't really have a plan for.  This could go any way....we'll just have to wait and see.

I am feeling rather unsettled this evening.  I'm not particularly sure why, but I just get this way occasionally.

I took this week off of work and have been in vacation mode since I crossed the finish line on Sunday.  My eating has been horrendous and I think that is a big reason for not feeling so great. 

James and I spent the night out of town for his birthday and we ate at a buffet last night.  My stomach was not a fan and I woke up feeling hungover.  It is amazing how much of an impact food can have on our overall health and well being.  I guess it isn't all that surprising when you think about it, but one of those things that I don't realize until it goes badly. 

I haven't had much control over the past two days and I missed a workout for the first time in a long time.  I will be making it up tomorrow, but still, I don't want this to be a habit.  This is what happens when I don't have a solid goal to work towards, I am still dedicated to working out, but it is easy to put off if things get tight.  I don't start training for my next half marathon until August, so I need to find something to do between now and then.  I'm thinking I will work on improving my 5K speed, or just improve my speed overall.  I have been looking at a few plans but haven't found anything that has really peaked my interest just yet.  I would like to take a spin class, but the times don't really work with our schedule so I'm kind of bummed about that.

I am having a really hard time adjusting to ever changing clothing sizes.  It is a good thing to need to buy smaller clothes, but it is really stressing me out.  We went to Mall of America yesterday to try and find some new clothes for me because I'm running out of clothes that fit.  I have been wearing clothes that are quite baggy, but a lot of my pants are getting to the point where they might start falling down on their own if I don't do something about it.  I think I summed up all my new clothes woes with 3 simple points

1) I hate spending money on clothes and rarely feel like things are worth what stores want me to pay for them.  If it isn't on a clearance rack or majorly on sale, I'm not buying it.

2) Even though I've lost 111 pounds, my hips and legs are still quite substantial and pretty much everything that is available to purchase right now is made for people with no hips and slender legs.  Skinny jeans are a no go on these legs...I've tried and it just looks wrong.

3) I don't have the time or brain power to figure out layers and what goes together....I miss the days when putting together an outfit was simple.  I look at things in the stores now and I seriously wouldn't even know what to put together.  I sent this text to my sister yesterday while at the mall: "It is a sad day when you realize that the only store that looks like it might have something that I'd be interested in wearing is Coldwater Creek."  Nothing against Coldwater Creek, but it isn't typically a store that I'd find myself shopping in...but I guess that has changed.

James thinks I don't really have a good perspective of what I look like, and I'm guessing that is partially true.  I think part of me will always feel like a big fat blob.  I'm still very uncomfortable with my legs from the knees up and prefer not to have any of that area showing.  I don't like to have my upper arms showing either and I especially hate frilly cap sleeves.  Those two hang-ups really limit the options right now.

I'm wondering if I'll ever be comfortable with how I look.  

Some days I feel ok about things but most days when I look in the mirror all I can see is the fat that is still there.  There isn't nearly as much as there used to be, but there is still much more than I am comfortable or happy with.  

I wonder if I'll ever look "normal", if I will ever feel like people aren't paying attention to the size of my body.

I don't desire to be "hot".  I have no plans of ever taking a selfie picture in a bikini.  I just want to be comfortable with who I am.  I realize that this has very little to do with losing weight and everything to do with my very broken self image.  When someone tells me that I'm looking skinny or looking good, I want to believe them.  Right now I just feel like people say things like that out of obligation even though I know that isn't the case.  I don't believe those things about myself right now, so it is hard to accept it from others.  I have a very difficult time accepting compliments or encouragement. 

I know that true beauty is not found in the shape of a body, the style of hair or a perfect face.  I get that.  But I think that every woman has a longing to feel beautiful and I have never had that feeling.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this and I'm sure there are many women who aren't even overweight that feel the same way.

I'm wonder how women find their way to beautiful.  What secrets do they have to discovering the beauty that is already present but still somehow undiscovered by the person it belongs to.  Because the truth is that we are all beautiful.  Every one of us.  We just need to find our way to feeling it.