You'll have to excuse the title of this post, it was the first thing that came to my head and it is from an old Fallout Boy song by the same name.
I thought I'd do a quick update on where my head/body is at right now.
As my last couple of blogs have indicated, I have been lacking in the motivation department lately. I've gained back 3 pounds, but I'm hoping they will come back off quickly. So I'm sitting at 269 right now after being at 266 and I'm not very happy with it, but it is what it is.
I haven't been eating like crazy, but I haven't been tracking calories either. I think I just hit a wall and I'm trying very hard to get over it.
I started reading Made to Crave last night and I'm hoping that it will help me get back on track. I need to find my "want to" as Lysa puts it. I know what it is deep down, but sometimes I loose focus.
I started Week 5 of the Couch to 5K on Monday with the walking portions at 5mph and the running at 6mph. I was about 7 minutes in and my hips decided they were done. It is Saturday and they still hurt. I'm hoping to get back on the treadmill tomorrow and slow it down a bit.
I just signed up for the Polar Dash 5K. It is on New Years Day and I'm running it with one of my good friends, so I think it will be a lot of fun. I'm praying that it isn't ridiculously cold that day.
I was talking to James last night and I am contemplating setting a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal), an idea Jim Collins came up with. The 10K was a BHAG for me this year, and I did that. My BHAG for 2013, is to run the Monster Dash Half Marathon. It is a GINORMOUS goal, but I need to have those to keep me motivated. I also need to publicly profess them, even if it leaves some of you saying, "yeah, that isn't going to happen". I like big hairy audacious goals because it pushes me to grow.
I think part of the reason why I've struggled the past month or so is because I lost focus of what the main goal was here. My main goal was to get healthy, transform my life and do it with God's help so that he could be glorified. I haven't been partnering with Him very well in this area of my life, so it is time to get back there.
I read something yesterday that I really enjoyed by John Piper. I shared it with the group of volunteers that I "coach" at church and I wanted to share it with you as well. So here it is. (If you use You Version, his comments are from the 15 Days Days in the Word with John Piper reading plan.)
As I've been reading through the Bible lately, I've been trying to pay very
close attention to how Christ wants us to interact with our neighbors. Perhaps
it is because my main spiritual gift is mercy, but I've been feeling God
stirring in my heart lately to make His love known to all people. I think there
are so many people hurting that desperately need God, but you would never know
it. So many "ones" that we can be praying for.
As I've been reading, I
keep coming back to the verses that refer to the body of Christ as salt and
light. I've been doing a You Version study by John Piper and he just happened to
reference many of these verses today. Mark 9:50 was particularly notable for me
; "Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it
salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another."
Piper goes on to suggest what he believes it means to be the salt and
the light and I really enjoyed what he said: "to be the salt of the earth and
the light of the world means that at root Christians are so profoundly satisfied
by Christ as our eternal reward, we are freed from fear and greed for the
sacrifices of love, and are able to rejoice at persecution. When the world sees
this, they see the glory of Christ and taste the satisfying pleasure of who he
is."
I want so desperately for others to see this in me. I have a lot of
work to do, but I am thankful that we worship a God who offers us grace upon
grace and keeps giving us opportunities to get it right. I pray that Christ is
always enough to keep me satisfied.
So that is that. Have a great Saturday. Thanks for reading even though I get "stuck" sometimes.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Lonely
It has been a rough weekend for me emotionally. I am so overwhelmed with life right now and not doing a very good job at trusting God. I don't know why it is so hard for me to stop worrying about things and just trust that God's got my back. He's always had it before, so why would this time be any different. There are some great words in Luke regarding this that I have to remind myself of every time I find myself in a funk like this:
I know that the words that Jesus spoke to his disciples are true and I very much believe them, but I struggle so much with living it. I usually do ok on a day to day basis and then every once in a while, everything just piles up and one small thing will throw me over the edge....like tiles falling off of our bathroom wall.
Last night three tiles fell off of the wall by our bathtub. The day before I had noticed water dripping onto the basement floor below our bathroom. If we were anymore underwater on our mortgage, we'd all need dive gear. Our furnace is on it's last leg. Our van needs some serious work. I have no idea how to parent my middle child. The scale is moving the wrong direction.
Too much.
In the grand scheme of things, all of these things are so small. We have a roof over our heads. We have food to eat. I have healthy children to parent, a husband who loves me and the best family a girl could as for. But most of all, I have a God who provides.
Even with all of this, I struggle.
After lunch I had put the boys down for their nap and I was waiting for Rory to finish cleaning up her spot. She started talking about feelings and people being happy or sad. I asked her if she thought I was happy or sad and she said "I think you are lonely". We hadn't even talked about anyone being lonely. She quickly changed her answer to be "happy", but the minute the word lonely came out of her mouth, the tears welled up in my eyes.
My 4 year old girl is very in tune with her momma. She was dead on.
Even though my life is full of love, sometimes I'm just really lonely. It is really difficult to not have the same days off as my husband. Even though we get to spend every evening together, life is so frantic that we are usually both just trying to get things done and don't have a lot of quality time to spend together. I miss him on the weekends, I do get very lonely. It is so silly feeling lonely in a house with three kiddos, but that is where I'm at. I saw a quote that made so much sense to me today
"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word, loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word, solitude to express the glory of being alone." --Paul Tillich
It is so true. Sometimes there is glory in being along and sometimes there is anguish.
It is times like this that I am just forced to lean into Jesus and face the truth that I was not made for this world
17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:17-21 (ESV)
I am lonely because I yearn for a life in heaven with my heavenly father. This is not my home.
I have to make the choice each day to not set my mind on earthly things. I have to make a conscious decision to not worry about the things in this world that pile up and bring me anxiety. I have to choose daily to not make my belly my god. Being a Christian doesn't mean that life is always unicorns and rainbows, it just means that I can find peace and trust in a God that will never forsake me. I will probably always struggle with this, but God has a plan and a purpose for that as well.
"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 (ESV)
God will use my weakness for His glory. It is a beautiful thing.
"22And he said to his disciples, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. 23For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried 30For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12: 22-31 (ESV)I would have added so many hours to my life if being anxious actually did add hours.
I know that the words that Jesus spoke to his disciples are true and I very much believe them, but I struggle so much with living it. I usually do ok on a day to day basis and then every once in a while, everything just piles up and one small thing will throw me over the edge....like tiles falling off of our bathroom wall.
Last night three tiles fell off of the wall by our bathtub. The day before I had noticed water dripping onto the basement floor below our bathroom. If we were anymore underwater on our mortgage, we'd all need dive gear. Our furnace is on it's last leg. Our van needs some serious work. I have no idea how to parent my middle child. The scale is moving the wrong direction.
Too much.
In the grand scheme of things, all of these things are so small. We have a roof over our heads. We have food to eat. I have healthy children to parent, a husband who loves me and the best family a girl could as for. But most of all, I have a God who provides.
Even with all of this, I struggle.
After lunch I had put the boys down for their nap and I was waiting for Rory to finish cleaning up her spot. She started talking about feelings and people being happy or sad. I asked her if she thought I was happy or sad and she said "I think you are lonely". We hadn't even talked about anyone being lonely. She quickly changed her answer to be "happy", but the minute the word lonely came out of her mouth, the tears welled up in my eyes.
My 4 year old girl is very in tune with her momma. She was dead on.
Even though my life is full of love, sometimes I'm just really lonely. It is really difficult to not have the same days off as my husband. Even though we get to spend every evening together, life is so frantic that we are usually both just trying to get things done and don't have a lot of quality time to spend together. I miss him on the weekends, I do get very lonely. It is so silly feeling lonely in a house with three kiddos, but that is where I'm at. I saw a quote that made so much sense to me today
"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word, loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word, solitude to express the glory of being alone." --Paul Tillich
It is so true. Sometimes there is glory in being along and sometimes there is anguish.
It is times like this that I am just forced to lean into Jesus and face the truth that I was not made for this world
17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:17-21 (ESV)
I am lonely because I yearn for a life in heaven with my heavenly father. This is not my home.
I have to make the choice each day to not set my mind on earthly things. I have to make a conscious decision to not worry about the things in this world that pile up and bring me anxiety. I have to choose daily to not make my belly my god. Being a Christian doesn't mean that life is always unicorns and rainbows, it just means that I can find peace and trust in a God that will never forsake me. I will probably always struggle with this, but God has a plan and a purpose for that as well.
"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 (ESV)
God will use my weakness for His glory. It is a beautiful thing.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Fresh Ears
I'd love to tell you what day it is on the Daniel Fast, but the truth is the minute after I hit publish on my last blog entry, I walked into the kitchen and ate one of my mom's infamous banana bars. Disappointing, not just for me, but I'm sure for all of you reading and pulling for me behind the scenes. I have been saying from day 1 of this adventure that I didn't want to do anything that wasn't sustainable and there is just no way I could sustain eating that way, for a variety of reasons, so my heart just wasn't in it. I really wanted it to be because James really was committed to doing it, but I just wasn't there. It always seems to be that way for us on this whole getting healthy journey, one is weak while the other is strong.
I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that I learned tonight that I'm not alone in my consistent disappointing and self defeating choices. People have been doing this same thing since the beginning of time. I was watching the first sermon in the latest North Point series, Free, tonight as I was on the treadmill and Andy Stanley based much of his sermon off of these verses:
15For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. Romans 7:15-20 (ESV)
I've heard/read this before, but tonight it finally clicked. I love how God gives us fresh ears to hear and understand things that we've heard before in a new way. Paul is quite wordy with this, but basically, what it sums up to be is that the reason we all keep doing the stupid stuff that we know we shouldn't do is because sin is in us. We are sinful and the only person who can do anything about it is Jesus. We desperately need Jesus. I desperately need Jesus.
I recently recommended the book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst without having read it myself. I have heard good things about Lysa and love Proverbs 31, so I figured it would be good. After my friend told me how great it was, I decided to do some more investigation and bought it for myself. I signed up for the 21 Day Challenge and have been getting daily e-mails....can I say refreshing? Seriously, Lysa has already completely done and documented everything I am trying to do. It was kind of a huge relief to know that I don't have to try and figure this out on my own and know that so many people struggle with the same thing. I'm trying to finish up another book before I dive into it, but I'm hoping to start it soon.
I'm hoping that while reading the book I will get a second wind in my efforts because I feel like I've been puttering around like the little old timey cars at amusement parks for the past couple of months. I guess it kind of makes sense to be at this point right now since I'm nearly at the halfway mark.
I need a fresh start, especially after the past week/weekend. I wouldn't say that I went crazy, I didn't eat a ton, I just didn't make the best choices. It is hard to make good choices when there are birthday celebrations going on!
We had a birthday party for my daughter yesterday. She requested a pony cake (which turned into a unicorn) and macaroni and cheese. When I think of macaroni and cheese, I think of John Legend. He shared his family recipe with Martha Stewart a few years ago on her show and it quickly became my favorite mac and cheese recipe. It isn't a recipe that you will find on any diet blogs, but it is quite delicious. I decided to go with a southern soul food vibe for the rest of the menu and made cornbread, chicken strips and calico beans to go with it. There weren't any leftovers, which I was very happy about for many reasons. I love cooking for my family because it gives me an opportunity to make things that I love and want to have a little taste of without having a bunch left.
The cake, well, Rory was pleased with it, which is I guess all that matters, but I won't be making cake decorating a new hobby anytime soon.
I love my little girl. I have to be successful in this transformation for her (and her brothers). She had her 4 year well child check last week and her doctor is already concerned about her BMI and we have to go back in three months for a follow up appointment. What bothered me most about the doctors comments was that she immediately assumed that she spends all day in front of the television. We have been so intentional about not having our kids in front of the tv, we don't even have a tv in our living room. Not all people who are overweight are lazy and I hate that assumption that we are.
She is proportional, but a big girl just like her mom. A girl who loves chocolate and carbohydrates, just like her mom. A girl who has already been caught multiple times sneaking food, just like her mom. I don't want her to go through school hating herself, just like her mom. I need to model a healthy life for her. I need to make sure that she knows that she is beautiful just the way she is. In my conversations with her, I just keep explaining that she can't have another treat because we need to make sure her body is healthy. I want to associate everything regarding the choices we make about food and exercise to be about health and not about appearance.
As always, thanks for reading and allowing me an outlet to be completely transparent. I very much appreciate it.
I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that I learned tonight that I'm not alone in my consistent disappointing and self defeating choices. People have been doing this same thing since the beginning of time. I was watching the first sermon in the latest North Point series, Free, tonight as I was on the treadmill and Andy Stanley based much of his sermon off of these verses:
15For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. Romans 7:15-20 (ESV)
I've heard/read this before, but tonight it finally clicked. I love how God gives us fresh ears to hear and understand things that we've heard before in a new way. Paul is quite wordy with this, but basically, what it sums up to be is that the reason we all keep doing the stupid stuff that we know we shouldn't do is because sin is in us. We are sinful and the only person who can do anything about it is Jesus. We desperately need Jesus. I desperately need Jesus.
I recently recommended the book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst without having read it myself. I have heard good things about Lysa and love Proverbs 31, so I figured it would be good. After my friend told me how great it was, I decided to do some more investigation and bought it for myself. I signed up for the 21 Day Challenge and have been getting daily e-mails....can I say refreshing? Seriously, Lysa has already completely done and documented everything I am trying to do. It was kind of a huge relief to know that I don't have to try and figure this out on my own and know that so many people struggle with the same thing. I'm trying to finish up another book before I dive into it, but I'm hoping to start it soon.
I'm hoping that while reading the book I will get a second wind in my efforts because I feel like I've been puttering around like the little old timey cars at amusement parks for the past couple of months. I guess it kind of makes sense to be at this point right now since I'm nearly at the halfway mark.
I need a fresh start, especially after the past week/weekend. I wouldn't say that I went crazy, I didn't eat a ton, I just didn't make the best choices. It is hard to make good choices when there are birthday celebrations going on!
We had a birthday party for my daughter yesterday. She requested a pony cake (which turned into a unicorn) and macaroni and cheese. When I think of macaroni and cheese, I think of John Legend. He shared his family recipe with Martha Stewart a few years ago on her show and it quickly became my favorite mac and cheese recipe. It isn't a recipe that you will find on any diet blogs, but it is quite delicious. I decided to go with a southern soul food vibe for the rest of the menu and made cornbread, chicken strips and calico beans to go with it. There weren't any leftovers, which I was very happy about for many reasons. I love cooking for my family because it gives me an opportunity to make things that I love and want to have a little taste of without having a bunch left.
The cake, well, Rory was pleased with it, which is I guess all that matters, but I won't be making cake decorating a new hobby anytime soon.
no birthday is complete without silly face pictures
She is proportional, but a big girl just like her mom. A girl who loves chocolate and carbohydrates, just like her mom. A girl who has already been caught multiple times sneaking food, just like her mom. I don't want her to go through school hating herself, just like her mom. I need to model a healthy life for her. I need to make sure that she knows that she is beautiful just the way she is. In my conversations with her, I just keep explaining that she can't have another treat because we need to make sure her body is healthy. I want to associate everything regarding the choices we make about food and exercise to be about health and not about appearance.
As always, thanks for reading and allowing me an outlet to be completely transparent. I very much appreciate it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)