If you can't say anything nice....

It has been 13 days since my last post, and that feels like a very long time.  There were many times where I thought about sitting down to write out a blog post, but stopped myself because the things I was thinking at the moment wouldn't have been very helpful, nice or God honoring.  I can always tell how my life is going by the inner monologue I have regarding myself and innocent bystanders.  I get down right nasty in my thought life sometimes and it scares me....so thankful that I'm covered by God's grace and new beginnings because I'm ready to say so long to the attitude I've had the past couple of weeks.

After I posted on the 18th, I started to feel kind of nauseous.  I was thinking it was the Chinese food that I'd had for lunch and went to bed early hoping I'd feel better in the morning....but what mother of three small children ever actually gets to sleep all night long?  I was up multiple times and every time I stood up, it took everything in me not to lose said lunch.  This permanently nauseous, no appetite state continued for the remainder of the week with no other symptoms.  When I was praying for God to give me the self-control to keep the boot on and rest my foot, I didn't really have a stomach ailment in mind, but I guess it did the trick.  Feeling like garbage for an entire week kept me from doing anything remotely physical.  On Friday afternoon (the 22nd) I started having some additional, extremely undesirable symptoms and they pretty much continued off and on throughout the weekend. 

I didn't really feel like myself until this past Monday, so I had seven full days of doing absolutely nothing and hardly eating anything.  I finally hit the 100lbs lost mark and just kept on going right to 104lbs.  It really wasn't very exciting when the circumstances were what they were.

In full disclosure, hitting the 100lbs lost mark actually made me quite depressed.  I think I've worked through everything in my head at this point, so I'm gonna go ahead and throw out a few of the thoughts I had.

• "I just lost 100 pounds and I am still considered obese based on BMI, how ridiculous is that.  I have to lose 40 more just to be considered overweight."
• "I just lost 100 pounds and I can still barely fit into an XXL shirt from Target"
• "I just lost 100 pounds and it took me forever, everyone I know is losing weight and getting "fit" and doing it so much better and faster than I am, I suck at this."
• "I need to try harder, it is taking too long.  I need to do what he/she is doing."

Truth is, losing 100 pounds and still having 80 or so to go until the CDC/society considers my weight as "optimal" is extremely defeating.

I had my own little pitty party, some people who I admire and am proud of for making amazing strides in their own efforts to be healthy were verbally accosted by the jealous rants in my head.  Thus, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself for a while and try to figure out where in the world they were coming from.

Of course they were coming from the wonderful land of -er that I often find myself in...I slid myself back into that wonderful place Andy Stanley called "The Comparison Trap".  I'm seriously starting to wonder if I'll ever break free of this awful place.

I figured out that the first step for me was to "unfollow" a few people that I consider friends in various social media outlets because their successes were causing me to greatly devalue my own.  I have been comparing myself to women who, outside of pregnancy, have probably never spent a day outside of the "optimal" area on the BMI chart.  I turned this little fact into a reason to start disliking people....ridiculous!  So instead of constantly being mad at people who I genuinely like and respect, I decided that I couldn't celebrate their successes with them for a while until I could start chipping away at the ugliness that lives inside of my soul. 

This isn't something that I'm at all proud of, but it is part of what has grown inside of me while hating myself for so many years.  So I'm working through this bitterness, jealously and angst and would appreciate any prayers to help break through them.  I want to be able to celebrate with other people who are being successful in their journey, even if for them it means turning an already gorgeous body into an even stronger, leaner, healthy body.

I have been feeling more positive this weekend and have been slowly working through things with my Bible and a whole lot of prayer.  Today was my first long run since giving the CAM boot the boot and kicking the stomach bug to the curb.  It was a GORGEOUS Minnesota day and I basically had an hour long time of worship out on the trail.  I did 5 miles and felt like I would have been able to run the entire thing but the trail conditions were quite sketchy in a few areas and I had to walk to maintain two feet on the ground.  Shortly after I had hit the turnaround point, the song "Always" by Kristian Stanfill came on, it hit the chorus and I lost it.  I had an ugly cry in the middle of my run that turned into a beautiful moment of worship with my head and arms held high....moments like these I'm very thankful that the trail I was on isn't very busy. 

I'm just going to go ahead an post the lyrics here because they are pretty amazing (Jason Ingram, the song writer, is so gifted)

Always - Jason Ingram/Kristian Stanfill

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Trouble surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength alwaysI will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

From You Lord, from You Lord

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always, always

Deuteronomy 31:6-8 says:
"Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."  Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel, "Be strong and courageous, for you shall go with this people into the land that the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall put them in possession of it.  It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

God was absolutely with me on my run today.  He is with me EVERY single step of every single day, and I have a really hard time remembering this.  I'm thankful for the moments that he shines through the darkness of my mind to make me feel His never ending and unfailing love.

So here I am, 100 pounds lighter, still struggling through this, but knowing that He will not delay, His promise is true and My God WILL come through.....because He always does.  His timing isn't the same as my timing, the weight isn't coming off as quickly as I'd like it to, but it is coming off and He is getting me there.

Here are a few random pictures from the last couple of weeks, plus one adorable video of my daughter, because I'm an extremely proud momma.  

Could you do that when you were four???  I know I couldn't. 

My little sister and her daughter

Me and my niece

 

Me and my daughter at the zoo