History

I guess a good place to start would be to give a brief history of who I am.

I am first and foremost a child of God.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).  Although I often times struggle to make Him my number one priority, my desire is that He would always be my first love and the most important part of my life.  I am a sinner and desperately in need of God's grace.

I am a wife to a husband that loves God and his family.  I never doubt his love for me and I am constantly thankful for him.  I never imagined that I would find a person that would be the perfect compliment to my strengths and weaknesses.  I love him and the person that I have become while being his wife. 

I am a mother to three young children, one girl and two boys.  We had three kids in three years (which will undoubtedly be the topic of many future blog posts) so I've spent a little more than the last four years of my life being pregnant or breastfeeding, and am looking forward to my body only sustaining me at some point this summer or fall.

On top of that, I'm employed full time outside of the home.  With both my husband and I working full time with three kiddos at home, we have a lot of ups and downs on a daily basis.  It is a struggle to find time to get everything that needs to get done, done, but we take it one day at a time and laugh and/or cry when we need to.

There is obviously a lot more to me, but this isn't a biography, so I'll just get right to the final point that is of importance.  I am and have always been fat.  I've never been able to look in a full length mirror and actually like what I see.  My relatives had a shirt custom made for me when I was probably 5 or 6 that said "Hungry Hulke".  I was in Weight Watchers when I was in 5th grade.  I remember working out at a fitness center when I was 10.  I tried to be athletic, but failed miserably at pretty much every sport I tried.  I was called "Thunder Thighs", "Shamu" and a myriad of other insults by my classmates and random people.  I do not recall ever seeing a 1 at the beginning of the scale.  When I was weighed the morning before I went into labor with my first child, I weighed 380lbs (it kills me to even admit that).  Fat has been my identity for the last 30 years. 

Today, it changes.

The good part is that I've already made progress.  Somehow, through three pregnancies, I managed to loose weight.  I give pretty much all the credit to the extra calories burned while feeding three massive babies.  Today, I am 308 pounds...yes, it is disgusting, and it is ok to think that, I won't be offended.  I know that people see me and know what I look like, it isn't like a number is going to change anything, but publically declaring the number on the scale is a terrifying, terrifying thing.  Hopefully, it will also be extremely motivating.

I know that my identity is found in Christ and not what the scale says or what I look like, but it is often times difficult to remember that.

So why today?  What suddenly changed today?  

It isn't so much one thing that happened today, but a culmination of thoughts, promptings and prayers.  In January, I just had an overwhelming desire to devour God's teachings.  I listen to multiple sermons a day, often by teachers who come from a variety of theological backgrounds.  I am just craving to know and understand more about how God desires us to live and what I can do to glorify Him.  

One of the teachers that God has used to dig down deep into the cobwebs of my brain is Matt Chandler from The Village Church.  Matt has a book coming out in April called "The Explicit Gospel" and I am really looking forward to reading it.  I admire his ability to preach the gospel unabashedly and his consistent prayer that God would make him aware of any misunderstandings he has of the Word.  After I had listened to the lesson from this past weekend, I started perusing the past messages and stumbled upon two with the subject of Gluttony.  They were by Paul Matthies, a teacher who is no longer there.  A few minutes into "Defeating Gluttony" I had to grab a pen and paper and start writing some things down. 

While there were a lot of noteable comments, there were two that really struck a chord with me.  The first was the idea that loosing weight or fighting any addiction isn't so much about taking a legalistic view of not eating/doing something, but rather being filled with the Holy Spirit so that you have the self control necessary to fight off the urge to find comfort in anything other than God.  I already knew this, but sometimes I just need to hear it again to really sink in and click in my head.  More than anything it helped me frame up what my prayer needs to be from now on.  I need to ask God to fill me with the Holy Spirit to give me the self control to turn from food and find all I need in Him. 

The other comment that really resonated with me was one that I think so many people (including myself) need to be reminded of in a culture that views Hollywood celebrities as what we should strive to be.  It was based on 1 Timothy 4:6-8

"If you put these things before the brothers, you will be a good servant of Christ Jesus, being trained in the words of the faith and of the good doctrine that you have followed. Have nothing to do with irreverent, silly myths. Rather train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come"

Paul Mattheis helped remind me that while it is good to be healthy and self controlled, if we are going to be transformed, it needs to be in our hearts.  My destiny as a follower of Christ (I am having a hard time using the word Christian after listening to the series "Christian" by Andy Stanley) is to look like Jesus.  I think the most profound statement Paul Mattheis made was this; "If we are going to have an after picture, it needs to be of Christ washing the feet of his disciples."

I don't want to look like the hottest celebrity or the most fit athlete.  I want to change my heart so that I change my actions to be more like Jesus and in turn make better decisions about the quality and quantity of the food that I put in my mouth so that I can bring Him glory.

I am really excited to embark on this journey.  This evening I already witnessed a taste of things to come.  I've been doing the Couch to 5K program for the past few weeks.  I've started it two other times, but I've had to quit during or right after week 3 because my knees or back decide they aren't really keen on the whole idea of moving my ginormus frame at that pace.  I am praying that the third time is the charm.  Today after work I completed Week 4 of the Couch to 5K program.  I recently made the move from the treadmill to the great outdoors and I was really hurting about half way through today as I was fighting the wind off of a lake and a couple of big hills.  My body really wanted to quit, but my heart and mind weren't going to give up without a fight.  I just kept praying for the Holy Spirit to fill me with the strength to finish and I kept repeating James 1:12.  I was able to complete the workout and even came up with a burst of energy at the end to add in a extra running interval.  I'm pretty sure that my pace is about as fast as some people walk, but I am easing my body into it and I am seeing improvements.  

Thanks for taking the time to read.  I hope you stick around and my prayer will be that you will see a story of transformation!      



   

Diving In

I have been ignoring what I believe to be the prompting of God to start a blog for a couple of months now, but today I'm taking the plunge and diving in.

Blogging for me is a bit scary since most people that know me, know that I don't really talk that much.  While that is true, it is not for a lack of thoughts, but a constant feeling that I need to keep my thoughts inside for fear of offending someone or having someone think poorly of me.  However, I've learned over the last 30 years that being consistently mild mannered and reserved makes me forgettable and boring and prevents me from entering into relationships that go beyond pleasantries.

I think that this blog could end up being a bit of a mish mash of topics, but there will be two themes that will be re-occuring.  1) The desire to grow in my relationship with God and become a fully committed follower who seeks to be more like Jesus  2) The need for the Holy Spirit to intervene in my life to help me have the self control and discipline to lose weight and improve my physical and emotional health

I'm not looking to make any money or be followed by thousands of people.  I just want to actually take the time to relay some of the thoughts that I have, get input from other people and watch what God can do!