My musings on life, making peace with my body, finding balance in raising three children, being a wife, working full time and trying to live like Jesus.
Yesterday was an exciting day. After losing just shy of 115 pounds, I finally reached the first of three weight loss goals that I have set for myself. I am back down to the lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life, including high school - 240.6 pounds. (I don't have a new picture for my progress pictures page, but I just added a bunch of photos from my childhood and post college years - check it out!)
I honestly didn't think I was going to make it back here and I'm hoping I don't linger here for too long, I'd like to keep things moving. It has been getting very difficult for me to keep the scale moving and I was getting really discouraged last week at how long this whole process is taking, so this was a needed victory. My weight loss goal is very much like my method of running half marathons, very slow, but at a pace that will get me to the finish.
Wednesday has been our date night lately and James sent me a text at work around noon asking if I wanted to go see Fall Out Boy that night. He had been looking at concerts coming to a nightclub close by on Monday and he mentioned Fall Out Boy and I asked how much tickets were because if they were cheap, I would have been interested in going. The tickets were crazy expensive and the show was already sold out, so that was the end of that. However, he remembered the conversation and was looking on Stub Hub yesterday and saw that they had tickets for $20 so he texted me and asked if I still wanted to go. I told him I'd see how I felt when I got home from work because I really didn't feel like I had the energy to go at that point. A few minutes later I had an e-mail with what they had played for an encore at previous shows and one of my favorite songs was the last one they played (I even titled a post in honor of it a while back - Saturday) and I told him to get the tickets.
It was a very last minute decision, which I think is one of the benefits of being a grown up and getting all of my major concert going days out of my system 10 years ago. I didn't care where we were standing or if we missed the opening act, I was just happy to go and not be stressed out about it. Plus, we paid much less for our tickets than anyone else did....I love Stub Hub.
The concert was great, they didn't disappoint. I have seen them live 3 or 4 times before and they always put on a great show and this time was no different.....except I think I had no children last time we saw them. We thought we'd be the oldest people there, but we definitely weren't. Lots of people our age were there, which was kind of fun. It was really kind of fun to hear Pete Wentz talk about coming back after taking a few years off because the world just needed a little less Pete Wentz. It is interesting when you get to see personal growth in the members of a band that you have been listening to for years.
Going to a concert like this brought back so many memories for me. I used to go to concerts ALL THE TIME when I was in college. Even after college and after James and I first got married, we still went to quite a few. I think for a couple of summers, I went to a concert like every week. Most of them were of the emo/punk variety in small venues like the show we went to last night. I really wish I would have done a better job of keeping track of all of them, I don't even remember all of them. A very friendly drunk guy started talking about how he had seen Fall Out Boy at the same venue years ago and the more he started talking about the show, I realized that I had been there too....I had completely forgotten about it!
I thought about how different I am from 10-12 years ago. Music was the only thing keeping me going then, I lived for it and spent nearly all of my money on cds and concert tickets. I was so incredibly broken and unhappy with life and how lonely I always was. I loved being able to just completely shut off the thoughts in my head, crank up the music and listen to songs by other people that had so many familiar thoughts and feelings. So many of the people going to concerts felt the same way, so even if I didn't know them, I somehow felt a little less alone.
I considered myself a Christian then, but I was so far from actually having any clue what that meant. I didn't know Jesus. I didn't understand grace. I didn't feel loved.
Last night I got to spend the night at a concert, right next to a man who found a way to love me then, even though I was a hot mess. We came home to our three children sound asleep in their beds. I wore a sleeveless dress and felt completely comfortable (this is a big deal).
I am so thankful that God didn't give up on me. I was so far from him for so very long, but my heart never stopped searching for a love that only He can provide. When you search for him, you will find him.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. (Jeremiah 19:11-13, ESV)
If you are feeling lost, unloved, unworthy, defeated, don't give up hope. He has a plan, and it is a good one, I promise. Don't stop searching until you find it.
Today was a REALLY rough day for me in the eating department. I polished off an entire loaf of Cub's Cinnamon Swirl Bread all by myself throughout the day.....who does that? Apparently a very stressed Tammy does. It wasn't even that good....very sad.
I'm not typically a "binger", I just tend to eat much more than I should, but today I just could not stop myself. I kept telling myself I was done and then I'd reach for another piece and then all the feelings of shame and disgust followed.
I am emotionally and physically spent this week and I tend to revert back to my "old ways" when that happens. My middle son was up most of the night on Monday throwing up, my youngest decided Tuesday and Wednesday night that screaming in the middle of the night is SUPER fun and both of them have been waking up at 5:00am. We try to get them back to sleep, but it rarely happens. I have to get all three of them and myself out the door by 7am three days a week and every other Sunday. So when two of them get up before I do and I start my day out with whining, fighting and crying, I have a difficult time keeping a positive attitude. Today was one of those days.
It was followed up with a phone call from my husband at 9:00 or so saying he was coming home sick from work. Then, as I was on my way to pick up Rage for his OT appointment, I got a text from our daycare provider that he was throwing up (again!). That was the breaking point for me. We've been dealing with colds, ear infections, diarrhea, puke, croup and sinus infections pretty much non stop since December and I've had my fill. We haven't all been healthy for quite some time and I'm so ready for this to be over.
As I was in the middle of my major meltdown, I read the Caring Bridge site for the daughter of a couple we used to be in a small group with and I was quickly reminded how extremely small my so-called problems are. Other than one extra night in the NICU for my daughter after I was discharged, we've never had to spend the night in a hospital with any of our children and that is a major blessing. Although the constant stream of viruses has been annoying, it is nothing compared to what so many people with kids suffering from life-altering diagnoses go through. I was quickly brought back to a place of thankfulness and peace.
I watched the last message in the Altar Ego series from LifeChurch.tv as I was on the treadmill tonight and it was quite timely. The message was called "My Longing for Approval" and it was just what I needed to hear. Although I am internally motivated to achieve goals in my life, I have always struggled greatly in needing the approval of others in my words, thoughts and actions. Basically, I try way to hard to not offend people and make everyone like me. I can spend hours trying to carefully construct once sentence of an e-mail to make sure I get my point across but don't leave anyone feeling hurt. I've avoid confrontation and difficult conversations like the plague...but in the end, this doesn't actually help anyone.
One of the verses that Craig Groeschel quoted in his message was Romans 8:11, "If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you." (ESV)
I started to think about just how completely crazy and amazing it is that the same Spirit that lives in me raised Jesus from the dead. It is one of those things that although I know and have heard many times before, never really clicked like it did for me today. How awesome is that? I've just been feeling so defeated with life lately that I needed the reminder that I have absolutely nothing to worry about because if the Spirit of God could raise Jesus from the dead, then surely that same Spirit can help me overcome whatever hurdles I may meet....just as long as I remember to invite it into my daily life.
When I started this journey I was praying daily for God to fill me with the Spirit so that I could be sustained throughout my day and do whatever His will was for me that day. Somewhere along the way I stopped praying that and it has been very noticeable. It is amazing how quickly I can lose focus when life starts to get complicated.
I love what it says at the end of Romans 8
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake, we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:35-39 (ESV)
We are more than conquerors through HIM who loved us. There is so much hope in that. So even though my day wasn't that great, I'm choosing to end it trusting in his truth. Nothing will separate me (or you!) from the love of God. Not another puking kid. Not an entire loaf of Cinnamon Swirl Bread. Not a number on the scale. NOTHING. Plain and simple. His love is available for everyone, you can never be too far, too dirty, too broken, he will be there with arms full of love waiting to swallow you up.
