Red Mini Vans, Satisfaction and Mom Guilt

I'm sure that title is leaving most of you wondering where in the world I'm going with this post, but it will give a little taste of how random my mind is.

I just completed the Couch to 5K Program!  It is a pretty exciting accomplishment for me, but I'm not stopping here.  My goal now is to focus on improving my speed and to throw in some weight training.  I would like to give a special thank you to the boys in the red mini van for the lewd gesture and degrading comment.  As far as I am concerned, it was a win-win.  You got a good chuckle about a fat girl jogging and I got the fuel I needed to run an extra five minutes and the satisfaction of finishing a program that seemed impossible 8 weeks ago.  Seriously though, I wouldn't have been able to do this if it weren't for the reminder that Matthew West brought to me through the lyrics in his song "Strong Enough": "Cause I'm broken down to nothing but I'm still holding on to the one thing you are God and you are strong when I am weak". 

The whole song and this whole journey for me is built around the truth that is in Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  When I started the Couch to 5K program, I honestly didn't think I would ever complete it.  I thought I would end up fizzling out somewhere around week 4 or 5, but HE helped me complete it.  His strength comes in many forms for me.  Through powerful worship songs, through encouraging words from friends and family, through creation and through provision. 

So if you have been praying for me, encouraging me, thinking of me, or even harassing me as I run, THANK YOU!!!

Now on to the mom guilt portion of my post.  I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with mom guilt, in fact, I think just about every mom or expectant mother I know struggles with it.  This week was a particularly rough week for me in that area because my baby is 9 months old now and fighting with me when I try to nurse him.  I of course take it as a sign that he is weaning and preparing for life without nourishment from his mommy who loves him so very much (which is saddening in and of itself).  I've been getting next to nothing when I pump at work and my frozen stash is down to about 12oz so I ventured on to a site which I have found extremely helpful as a breastfeeding mom, KellyMom, for some advice.  I found this article on self lead weaning and when I got done reading it, I felt like a complete piece of garbage. 

Apparently, I'm just pushing my son to be independent and he isn't actually weaning.....or so they would have me believe.  Truth is, my son is getting more independent and I'm just not making enough milk to sustain him anymore despite my efforts to keep a supply up while I work.  I've pumped twice a day with a hospital grade pump for the last 6+ months that I've been back at work and since he doesn't want to nurse on the weekends, I'm pretty much tapped out...not to mention the lovely fluctuations that happen with all the glorious hormonal changes that women get to experience in a month. I've given it all I've got.  I still plan on nursing him in the morning and before bed (if he will let me), but it all just feels so final and it makes me sad.  

I started to think about how defeating it can be to breastfeed compared to formula feeding.  First off, let me say that I think that there are EXCELLENT mothers who formula feed.  I do believe that "Breast is Best", but your kids are going to turn out absolutely beautifully if they have formula as well.  It was a struggle from day one with my first born and after four months of supplemental nursing systems, multiple trips to the lactation consultant, nipple shields, differing advice from nurses and dry/cracked hands from washing pump parts, I threw in the towel and switched to formula and we were ALL happier.  

Anyway, back to my point.  When you are a breastfeeding mom, all of the struggles with feeding ultimately point back to you: wrong latch, wrong hold, wrong foods, low supply, etc.  When you are giving your baby formula, if there are any problems, you just blame it on the formula or bottle and switch to another one and try again, but the root of the problem is never pointed back at you.....much less defeating.  I tell every expecting mom I know that is planning on breastfeeding to expect it to be the most difficult, painful and frustrating thing they have ever done.  It looks so very easy, but it is far from it. 

So if you have ever had to make the difficult choice to switch from breast to formula, please know that you have all of my empathy.  There are so many people out there who make you want to feel like you are going to destroy your child's future if you don't breastfeed them for the first year, but if making the switch means that you will be less stressed and more patient, then go for it and don't ever turn back!

Ok, rant over.  Happy almost weekend and thanks for reading!

Hands and Feet

Today I completed Week 9 Day 2 of the Couch to 5K program.  I have one day left in the program.  I won't actually be running a 5K in the 30 minutes that the program ends with (I'm right around 2.25 miles), so I'll keep going in pursuit of that, but it is a pretty cool feeling to know that I will actually be finishing the program this time.  Third times the charm I guess.

I had a bit of a rough day on Monday.  The scale was back up to 302 after a weekend of normal eating.  I was really discouraged that two days of eating "normal" food can have such an impact.  James reminded me that a lot of it could be water weight, but it is still somewhat discouraging.  I've recovered and I'm looking forward, but I have a feeling I will be having many days like this in the future.

This week some of the worship team members from my church are in Haiti.  One of the main reasons I want to be healthier and reduce my weight is so that I can feel comfortable going on missions trips to places like Haiti.  They are there with an organization called Healing Haiti, which is a phenomenal organization doing so many wonderful things in Haiti. 

I believe that serving others is a huge and important piece of being a fully committed follower of Christ.  So often, I find myself getting caught up in the daily hustle and bustle of life and I forget to take the time to find ways to serve.  Most of my time is spent serving my husband and three small children during this season of life, but I have a strong desire to do more, specifically when it comes to orphans. 

Healing Haiti just built a beautiful new orphanage and I would love nothing more than to spend some time loving on those kiddos.  It breaks my heart when I stop and think about all of the little kids in this world who will never know the love of a parent.  A couple of months ago I was shopping for some vitamins for the kiddos in the orphanage to send with one of my friends headed to Haiti.  They can't be gummy vitamins so that they withstand the heat.  I stood there in Target looking at the vitamins for a good five minutes trying to find vitamins that weren't gummy and I just started to cry.  I am sure people thought I was a hot mess, but I just couldn't stop crying for the beautiful, orphaned children all over the world who don't have a mom to buy them vitamins or worry about their health.  As the body of Christ, we absolutely need to be doing this for them.  We need to be showing them the love of Jesus and that there are people out there that love them.  I want to be better about doing this, I want to actually make an impact and I need to make it a priority.

Another reason for getting healthy is that we hope to either adopt or be foster parents in the future.  Most international adoptions require the parents to be below a certain BMI, which neither of us are.  We don't know for sure that we would do an international adoption, but I want to be in a place that we can if it is what we are called to do.  We are praying about it and staying open to God's timing and direction in this area.  We have no idea how we would fund an adoption, but I am confident that God will provide a way for us to do it.  We have known since before we were married that adoption/fostering is something that God has placed on both of our hearts. 

I need to keep these things in mind when I want to turn towards food during times of frustration, stress, happiness, boredom, etc. 

So I'll end today's post with a challenge.  Find that area in your life that you are passionate about and find a way to serve!  If you have a favorite way to serve, please share :-)

    

Wow!

I am seriously overwhelmed by the love, encouragement and support that I have received from so many people after making my blog "public".  It means so much to me to know that there are people out that that believe in me and want me to succeed.

I am more driven than ever to make this a success story.

I hit a big milestone yesterday.  I stepped on the scale in the morning and the number at the front had changed!  299.0, I haven't seen a 2 at the front of the scale for at least six years, so I was super excited to see that.

Week 9 Day 1 was completed this morning.  I couldn't believe the amazing sense of peace that I had as I made my way around the lake, very slowly.  I didn't care about how fast I was going, I only cared that I was doing it.  Major progress and obviously the result of many prayers! 

I prayed for the rain to hold off until I completed my run and He did one better and gave me some sunshine as I was finishing up.  Nearly everyone I met gave me a smile and a heartfelt good morning.  It is amazing what a smile from a stranger can do.  

Near the end of my run the song "Christ is Risen" by Matt Maher came on.  In the first verse of the song, there is a lyric that says "But fix our eyes upon the cross, and run to Him who showed great love".  I need to remember to keep that in my head as I get to the points in my run where I feel like I can't keep going. 

That is about all I have for today.  The best daycare provider in the world has all three of the kiddos on a Saturday "Parent's Day" and there is much to be done! 

My Own Worst Enemy

Frustration!!!

I am ridiculous.  I am consistently disappointed in myself after completing my runs because I don't feel like I'm running fast enough.  I have so far to go to feel like I can confidently run in a 5K race (which I am doing on June 15th by the way).  I know I am making progress, but it is just so slow.

I don't really know why I seem to think that I should be able to move my 301.8 pound body (at least the scale is headed in the direction I would like), that has done nothing other than grow and feed babies for the last four years, as fast as a normal sized person can, but I do!  I can't seem to find peace or satisfaction in the simple fact that I am able to jog (VERY slowly) for 28 minutes straight or that I ran a mile in less time than I ever have before and then went on to run even farther.  Compared to the Tammy that I have been the last 30 years of my life, I am making tremendous progress, but, compared to multitudes of others, I feel like a failure.

This is thinking that I know I need to fix, and I'm trying desperately, but I know that I can't do it alone.  I need to keep praying for peace in the progress that I am making and stop comparing myself to others.  I spent a good 20 minutes today on Google searching for another morbidly obese woman who ran a 5k that I could compare myself to.  I have this never ending need to find validation in being better than at least one person....it is an awful problem.  I can hear Andy Stanley saying "There is no win in Comparison", but it just isn't sinking in.  Pride and comparison is such a stronghold for me.

Speaking of strongholds, I started the Beth Moore Esther study last night with my small group.  The tag line for the study is "It is tough being a woman".  We had originally planned on doing the Beth Moore Daniel study, but were kind of derailed toward Esther and I know that it is providential.  We are all in need of this study!  It has been a while since I've done a Beth Moore study and I forgot how animated she is, I love to see and hear her interpret God's word.  One of the comments that really stuck with me was that God doesn't want to be anonymous in our lives.  He wants to be known, he wants a relationship and He wants and deserves all the glory.

I need to stop being frustrated, stop listening to the lies I tell myself and start looking to God for validation.  I need to start taking my cue from the one who loves me, the one who died for me.  I need to see myself the way that God sees me and only be concerned with how He sees me.  I pray that I can keep looking Up and stop looking left and right.  I pray that His love and His goodness will be enough for me.  I need to focus on doing His will and nothing else.  I need to be found in HIM.

If you struggle with this, I HIGHLY recommend checking out The Comparison Trap series by Andy Stanley.  I know I plugged it once before, but I just listened to it again, and it is so good.

I'm already feeling more at peace with where I'm at today.  Like I mentioned earlier, the scale is going in the right direction and that alone should bring me joy!  I'm off of the plateau and on my way down, praying that God will continue to help me have the self control to make healthy choices.

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!

Your Doubt Only Makes Me Want It More

It has been a while, I find it hard to take the time to blog at the end of a busy day when there are countless other things I could be doing and probably should be doing (like the pile of dirty dishes in the sink).  However, I need to do it to get my thoughts out and to have something to look back on.

I've had ups and downs over the last week or so.  God was extra kind to me on my first 20 minute interval of non-stop running last week.  During the last 5 minutes I was totally out of steam and headed up the biggest hill on my run...lovely how that happens.  Anyway, I just kept praying for God to get me through it and to give me strength and carry me on the rest of the run.  Just as I was getting to the top of the hill and pretty much ready to throw in the towel, a bald eagle soared above me over the lake and then landed back in a tree.  Immediately, Isaiah 40:31 popped into my head "but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."  I don't really think their is a verse in the Bible the would have been more appropriate at that moment.  Even if God didn't orchestrate the eagle flying above when I needed it the most, it was still my hope and faith in Him that helped me finish the rest of the 20 minute interval.  I've been around the lake many times, and I have never seen an eagle before, so I am pretty confident that it was Him.

Recently I decided to listen to praise and worship music rather than the usual punk/rock/metal/alternative mix that I would normally listen to while I run.  When I was coming down the hill on the aforementioned run, "Light up the Sky" by The Afters came on.  Part of the song says "When I've almost reached the end, Like a flood You're rushing in.  Love is rushing in".  That coupled with the eagle gave me everything I needed to finish and finish strong.

I had a couple of what felt like crappy runs after that.  I still managed to run during all the intervals I was supposed to run, but I just didn't feel like I was improving and I wasn't very happy about it.  It is hard for me to remember that this stuff takes time, especially given my current weight and fitness level.  

Today I finished Week 6 of the Couch to 5K program.  Week 6 is a 5 minute warm up, 25 minute run, and 5 minute cool down.  As my 2 year old would say, "MY DID IT!".  I can confidently say that I have never run (albeit slow) for 25 minutes straight in my life.  I finally felt like I was improving and my tracking with Run Keeper shows that I am.  It is very slow progress, but it is progress.  I was really hoping to be going faster than I am at this point.  After a little pity party, I reminded myself that most people who weight 300+ pounds aren't out running and if I were stacked against 10 other people my size, I'd probably be doing pretty good.

I know that my biggest struggle is comparison.  I've heard two really good sermons lately on why we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone (one by Steven Furtick and one by Andy Stanley) and still I do it.  I'm praying for help in this area since I believe the root of it is pride.  I have a strong desire to always be the best and I'm usually not satisfied with anything other than perfection.  I was the type of student that would get a paper or test back and would be upset if there was anything other than 100% at the top.  I have a lot of friends who are extremely fit and much farther ahead of me in the area of running and I find myself feeling discouraged as I hear or read about what htey are doing. But, as Steven Furtick said, I need to stop comparing my "behind the scenes" with someone else's "highlight reel".  (Just a quick side note.  I think Furtick is hit or miss.  I don't agee with everything he teaches and I think he has some ego issues, but I'll talk more about that another day.)

It was quite busy today around the lake and while I usually try to keep focused, there were a couple of times where I noticed that someone was laughing at me or whispering to whoever they were with. While this does get irritating, I am able to brush it off pretty quickly and turn it into motivation to keep going and prove to them (or really me) that I can and will do it. I am extremely stubborn and if I notice that someone has even a hint of doubt in my abilities, it is on. When I was delivering my last child the doctor highly recommended that I get an epidural in case I needed a c-section. I was being induced and she was concerned that if things didn't go as planned, we might need to get baby out quickly. I'd had a successful induction without an epidural previously, so I knew that I was capable, but her doubt really irritated me. I was pleased as punch when she came in to check on me when I was at 7cm dilated and she thought I had gotten the epidural because I was so "zen" as she put it. I delivered a beautiful little boy a few minutes (and a few profanities) later.  So bring it on, your doubt only makes me stronger.

So that is where I'm at today.  I accomplished something that I've never been able to do before and while I am proud, I am not as happy with where I'm at as I would like to be.  So I will call myself content and just keep praying for God to keep working with and on me.  My constant prayer through all of this is that God would help me glorify his name through this.  I want to be ever aware of the fact that I am not doing this alone.  I know that I'm not capable of doing this.  I've tried many times before and failed miserably, but this time, I am doing it with his help.