Coming Out of the Winepress

About five weeks ago I was listening to a podcast from Elevation Church (Steven Furtick)....big surprise if you are a regular reader, I pretty much listen to him all the time when I'm running because he gets quite charismatic (at least for a white girl from Minnesota) and keeps my energy level up.  I honestly can't even remember which message it was anymore, but he was talking about Gideon and the story in Judges 6, specifically verses 11-12

The angel of the  Lord  came and sat down under the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress to keep it from the Midianites.  When the angel of the  Lord  appeared to Gideon, he said, “The  Lord  is with you, mighty warrior. (NIV)

Furtick talked about how it was not normal or even productive to beat wheat in a winepress.  Normally, you would beat wheat in a place that was up higher so that the chaff would be taken away by the wind, so what Gideon was doing was counterproductive.  Furtick referred to Gideon as a "wimp in a winepress". 

Then, the angel of the Lord shows up and calls him a mighty warrior....are we talking about the same guy?  Would a mighty warrior be hiding in a winepress?  The conversation between the angel and Gideon continues throughout the chapter as Gideon goes on trying to convince the angel that he is not a mighty warrior, that he is weak and the least in his family.  He believed that there was no possible way that he could defeat the Midianites.  Thankfully, the angel (and God) were persistent and helped him believe that it wasn't him that needed to be strong, God was strong enough and faithful enough to work through him, he just needed to have faith and trust that God would lead him to victory.

The message resonated with me that day, but I kind pushed it to the back of my brain and carried on with life as usual.  Then today, God connected the dots in my head again and I started to really see how this is paralleled in my life.

I have been hiding in a winepress for my entire life, only my winepress comes in the form of obesity.  I have hidden my thoughts, opinions and preferences on nearly everything in my life behind the invisible wall that had formed along with all of my extra fat cells.  

I did my best to blend in.  To not call attention to myself.  To never speak up.  I did my best NOT to be noticed because I was far to ashamed of my body and myself.  (This is particularly ironic now, when I look back, because one of my college anthems was Again I Go Unnoticed by Dashboard Confessional...hard to be noticed when you are doing your best to be invisible.)  

I knew to an extent that I was doing this, it was mostly intentional, but I wasn't completely aware of just how much of my life it impacted.  It has recently come to light in a couple of scenarios and forced me to realize just how much of myself I have kept in hiding.  One came as a realization from therapy and the other while shopping in JCPenney.

James and I have been seeing a therapist together to work through some things that have created tension in our marriage.  We weren't at a breaking point, we just both believe in fighting like hell to keep our marriage strong and we knew that we needed a neutral party to pull some things out of us and force us to address issues that we frequently swept under the rug.  It has been extremely helpful and I'm not at all ashamed of it. 

Anyway, one of the things that I discovered about myself is how often I neglect to share my feelings about things simply because I think my feelings are invalid or aren't worthy of being heard.  I've never loved myself enough to believe that what I think or feel matters to anyone.  What I am starting to realize (with help) is that it is impossible to build intimacy in a relationship without sharing these things about myself.  James does want to know what I am thinking and feeling and he will still love me even if he disagrees.  He isn't going to figure them out if I don't tell him.  I have to remind myself frequently that those things are true.

The second revelation, as I mentioned, came from a completely overwhelming trip to the mall a couple of weeks ago, only I didn't realize why it was so overwhelming until today.  I had gone to the mall a couple of weeks ago to do some shopping before I picked up the kids.  I am down to two pairs of jeans, one pair of capris and a couple of dresses right now.  All of my work pants can be pulled off without unbuttoning them and they have unwillingly dropped twice.  Fortunately, both wardrobe malfunctions were only witnessed by my children.  Needless to say, I'm in need of some new clothes, which would seem like a good problem to have.  However, a limited budget (Who pays $50 for a pair of jeans, seriously??? I thought $10 at Savers was a bit much), an abundance of choices and legs that will never work in skinny jeans, have made this exciting opportunity more of an anxiety laden burden. 

I literally stood in JCPenney looking back and forth after walking through rows upon rows of clothing as the tears started to well up in my eyes.  I had no idea where to start.  I don't know how to buy clothes.  I felt completely clueless.  I look at all of the options and I honestly don't know what to do with any of them.    

For my entire life it has always been about buying whatever I could find that was in my price range that actually fit.  Whether or not it was "me" rarely got considered because the only goal was to have something to wear and there are usually only 5 or 6 plus size racks to choose from.  

Today, while getting ready for church, I realized why I have had such a hard time with all of the choices....I'm not sure I know what "me" is and I'm not sure I'm ready to come out of hiding.  Trying to find clothes is forcing me to figure that out.  I know what you are thinking, clothing is really not that important, certainly nothing that should cause anxiety, and I understand that, but this is about so much more than clothes for me. This whole situation made me think about how I've never really learned to love who I am, I've never celebrated Tammy, I've never really even taken the time to get to know her.  Any dreams or ambitions to be or dress a certain way were quickly dashed by that constant voice in my head telling me that I was too fat.  I've kept a large part of who I am in hiding, in my own winepress, for far too long. 

I feel like God has been working on me for a while to get me to realize this, he really can use anything for good...even a crappy shopping trip.  It is a good thing he is so merciful and patient, because honestly, it takes me a REALLY long time to understand things sometimes.

A friend posted a really great quote by Bob Goff on Facebook a couple weeks ago that really spoke to where my head has been lately - "We spend a lot more time thinking about our failures than God does.  It's Thursday.  Quit memorizing who you used to be."  So good. 

He has been trying to help me realize that even though I might see myself as a "failure in fat clothes" (trying to stay with the alliteration, but honestly, that is how I have viewed myself), He sees me as a strong woman who he made EXACTLY as he designed me to be to fulfill His purpose for my life.  All of my struggles, all of my strengths, all of my fears and all of my failures, they will all be used to fulfill the purpose and the plan that he has for me.  He needed me to realize that I need to stop hiding and start trusting.  He isn't going to accomplish much if I'm not willing to be who he called me to be.  

A few weeks ago I ordered a new pair of glasses online.  I've been wearing the same glasses for at least 8 years and they were starting to fall off of me as well....who knew that glasses could get too big for you when you lost weight?  I must have been feeling confident the day I ordered them, because I picked a pair that would definitely not allow me to go unnoticed.  I had them for two weeks before I even had the courage to wear them.  I finally wore them to the fair on Thursday and then again today to church.

These glasses are "me".  The scarf (thanks Suzi!), which I'm usually too afraid to wear,  is "me".  They may not be the Tammy that people are familiar with, heck, I'm still trying to familiarize myself with her, but after 32 years, I have finally decided to come out of hiding, little by little, accessory by accessory, thought by thought. 

I'm starting to love who I am and understand what it actually means to trust God.  I'm starting to accept that not everyone will (or does) like me and what I believe in.  My purpose is not to be liked by everyone...although I know I'm going to need to remind myself of that frequently...my purpose is to love, follow and serve the God who made me.  In order to do all that He has planned for me, I need to love and celebrate the person he has made me, the body he gave me and the path he paved for me.  I need to trust that as long as I am honoring Him with the choices I make and giving Him the glory, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

I'm starting to appreciate that even though I'm still an incredibly slow runner, someone else who is also slow and about to give up might read my story and know that even though they aren't as fast as everyone else, they aren't alone.  You can call yourself a runner even if it takes you longer to finish the race than everyone else. 

I'm starting to realize that even though I've lost nearly 125 pounds, most people don't care about how far you've come, they only care about where you are now.  Since my "now" is still technically "obese", most people don't count it as a victory.  But my "now" is not the end and I haven't given up.  Maybe there is someone who needs to know that sometimes it takes a long time to get to where you want to be and the only thing that matters is that you never stop trying.  Some days don't go as planned, some months don't go as planned, but you just keep pushing forward, resting in the fact that His mercies are new every morning and trusting that God will get you there and make you lean on him during the process.

They have played a song called Oceans by Hillsong a couple of times at church recently.  The song is about God calling Peter out onto the water, to simply come and trust that he would be safe.  I haven't been able to make it through the song without tears and the bridge has become my constant prayer lately
 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

What waters is God calling you into?  I know that they might seem rough, it might be like going out into the middle of a storm, but know that you aren't alone.  There is someone who needs you to step out and take that leap of faith into the unknown, out of the winepress and into the marvelous light. 

Finding Joy in Slow....A Half Marathon Story

(If you aren't into TMI kinds of stories, then you'll probably just want to skip everything past the first four paragraphs....more detail than anyone wanted to know I'm sure, but it is what it is!)

I did it!

My first half marathon is in the books.  The weather was perfect, we couldn't have had a nicer day.  It was cool and humidity was low and the sun was shining by the end of the race, perfect in my books!

I woke up at 3:30am and started getting ready, left by 4:15 and headed downtown to catch a shuttle to the starting line.  I got there with plenty of time to spare, I probably could have slept half an hour longer, but I'd rather by early than late.  I got to the starting area around 5:00 and the race started at 6:30, so I sat around quite a bit just mentally preparing myself.

I headed to the starting line at 6:00 and found the 12+ minute pace flags and got lined up there and was quickly greeted by a friend from work.  It was nice to see a familiar face and chat a bit before the race started.

The race started promptly at 6:30 and I crossed the starting line right around 6:35.  I was very focused on maintaining a slow pace even though people were passing all around me.  I just kept my eyes forward and got in my own zone.  I started the race listening to a couple of messages from Elevation church....very good decision.  I got filled up and really felt good about how things were starting.

As each mile passed and RunKeeper read me my pace, I was a bit scared and a bit excited all at the same time.  For the first 8 miles, my pace was right around 12:55 a mile or so and I was shooting for a 13:30 pace.  I was tempted to slow things down, but I felt really good so I just kept going at the pace I was at.  Even though my legs and lungs felt great, my stomach started to give me some trouble pretty much immediately and I contemplated stopping at the 2, 4 and 6 mile points to use the restroom, but I kept going too afraid to stop because the lines were long and I was making such good time.

When I finally arrived at the 8 mile check point, which also happened to be a relay exchange point, there were finally some satellite toiles with no line so I quickly jumped in.  My intestines were pretty much in full on revolt mode at that point, but I was determined to keep going and try to keep the pace I was at......except that didn't really happen.

The first mile after taking the break I felt good again, but then the stomach issues creeped back in.  I ended up walking quite a bit during mile 10, but I was trying to keep a quick walking pace so that I didn't get too far off track from meeting my goal.

Miles 8 thru 12 are pretty much a blur.  I had to stop and use the restroom again around mile 11.5 or so, right before crossing the Stone Arch Bridge.  I knew my family was going to be in the area after the Stone Arch Bridge, so as I was crossing it I was kind of looking out for them and I spotted them in the distance and was able to wave to them.  I swear to you, that bridge has gotten much longer since the last time I was on it.....but that was a casual stroll and this most definitely was not.  I felt like I was never going to get across that stupid bridge to the point in the race where we were on the last stretch. 

I finally made and saw my kiddos holding up signs and screaming "Go Mommy!" with the biggest smiles on their faces.  I ran over and gave them high fives and I choked back the tears.  It was so wonderful to see them and to hear their cute little voices, it gave me the strength I needed to make it to the end because I was VERY tired at that point.  My feet and hips were killing me but I knew I was close. 

I finally made it up the last hill and hit the point where it was all down hill to the finish.  Seeing the river at the bottom of the hill was the most glorious site I had ever seen!  I started looking for the finish line because my phone had just told me that I had reached 13 miles and I started tracking just steps away from the starting line.  I saw the finish and thought it was closer than it was, but we had to run past it a little bit and then work our way back.  I really didn't think I was going to make it at that point, but when I finally turned the last corner with nothing standing between the finish line and me, I started running as hard as I possibly could. 

The gun timer showed 3:05 something when I crossed so I quickly grabbed my phone to stop tracking and see what the time on my phone said.  This is what I saw on my phone

It is very evident by my splits that mile 8 is when things started to fall apart for me. 

Between my phone time and the gun time, my hopes of finishing in under 3:00 seemed somewhat possible, but I really wasn't sure.  Runkeeper paused while I was in the bathroom, so I knew my time was a little bit longer than this, but I was hoping that  I would have made it. 

So I sat in suspense until I was able to get home and check the online results but I still felt pleased since I definitely met my finishing around 3:00 goal.

After I crossed the finish line, I got my medal and some snacks and then found a picnic table close to the river to sit down and call my husband.  They were close by and were on their way to meet me, yay!  I wasn't expecting them to be at the finish, so it was a really nice surprise. 

We snapped a few pictures

Me and the two "big kids"....don't ask me what he is wearing or what he is doing, he is his own man.



My mom and me (she helped out a ton with our house and kids this weekend, thanks mom!)

 

 

My mom got some more pictures with her camera, but I haven't gotten them yet, I'll make sure I update this with them when I have the rest. 

 

We eventually started heading back to our cars, we both ended up parking in the same lot, so it was nice to be able to walk back with them.  It was about a 3/4 mile walk or more back to the car and we had to go back up the hill that we came down at the end, so it was a very slow and painful walk back to the car. 

 

My mom rode back with me while James took the kiddos.  As we were on our way home, I heard my phone make the noise it makes when I get a text or e-mail.  I checked and it was an e-mail with my official race results...

 

I was a little bit bummed that I didn't have a 2 at the beginning, but I'm still happy that I was able to finish this close to 3:00.  If my stomach hadn't decided to revolt against me, I know I would have for sure met that goal, so I will be shooting for it again in October( and hopefully I'll figure out how to keep my stomach under control between now and then)!

 

And honestly, I think the course was longer than 13.1 miles since I started my phone about 5 feet from the starting pad and stopped it about 20 feet from the finish pad.  Every time I tried to map the route on Google Maps, I kept coming up with 13.48.  Other people I know that had their GPS trackers on ended up with close to the same distance as me, so I'm sticking to my theory that it was about .3 miles longer. 

 

Oh well, either way it was a successful first half marathon in that I finished and I set a good, realistic goal for myself. 

 

I told my mom that I'm not sure I'll do another half after I do the Monster Dash in October, but I also said I would never do anything more than a 10K after I finished the 10K last November.

 

In just under a year's time, I went from barely making it through my very first 5K with a time of 38:32 weighing 285 pounds, to running a half marathon in 3:01:20 weighing 244 pounds.  Numerically, it is slow progress, but mentally, I have overcome barriers that I never thought I would get past.   

 

There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to do any of this if it wasn't for the strength and hope that I find in an Amazing God.  He has given me a resolve to get this done.  To make a better me and do it for His glory, and I felt so incredibly blessed today as I was out there on that course that he would be so good to me.

 

I repeated these verses in my head over and over before and during the race

 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV

If he found joy in dying a horrible death for me, surely I can find joy in having the strength and endurance to run 13.1 miles while kicking a lifetime of obesity to the curb.  I have been changed and no matter how slowly I may lose the weight or run the race, my mind has been transformed and I am a stronger and healthier person than I have ever been before.  Today, I am finding joy in slow, because in that slowness comes a whole lot of time to reflect on how blessed I am.