Why Now?

I generally avoid political discussions like the plague.  You already know this if you read my last post, Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement.  I see all angles and can empathize with all parties in most scenarios.  Life is filled with grey area and nuance and most people form opinions and decisions without having the full picture, and I don't like to make a decision until I've considered all of the angles.

So today, I'm not going to make any comments on Kavanaugh, Blasey-Ford or the others, because I haven't done enough investigation myself. I'm just going to address the question that many people are raising about why these women waited so long or didn't report it earlier.

I think it all comes down to this: We, and I say we because I am one of them, didn't know we could.  

The first time it happened to me, I didn't know it wasn't my fault until the boy who did it to me was kicked out of school for doing exactly what he did to me to two other girls who didn't stay silent.  They had the confidence that I lacked.  To this day, no one other than my husband knows about this.  I've held it close for nearly 20 years because some part of me still feels like I didn't do enough to stop it.      

Many of us have been living in shame until the #MeToo movement helped us realize that what happened to us wasn't ok and wasn't our fault.  We were warned that "boys will be boys" and when we put ourselves into a position that allowed a boy to be a boy, we felt responsible.    

I shouldn't have been alone with him.

I shouldn't have drank so much.

I should have done more to stop him.

I should have left.

I should have paid more attention.


After all, after every sexual assault that ends up in the media, we hear about how drunk she was, what she was wearing, what party she was at, etc.  

Our voices become meaningless because no one can see past our anatomy, as if somehow by having breasts and a vagina, we are constantly offering an unspoken invitation that overrides the very words coming out of our mouths.    

So we keep the secret close, because letting it out would end up with fingers pointed back at us.  We live in shame, wondering what we could have done differently.

All it took was women coming out from the shadows, exposing their shame and hurt so that others didn't have to hold it all in anymore.  Because that's the thing about women, when we form bonds over hurt and are determined to make a change, we're unstoppable.  We won't fight against each other, instead we'll pool our anger, frustration and passion together to try and make change happen.  

If the number of women speaking up now somehow causes you to doubt the validity of the pain they have been holding on to for years, I'd ask you to consider this.

How do you suggest we substantiate something that happened to us years ago?  How do you want us to prove it to you?  

I believe in due process and innocent until proven guilty, but what if we're not looking for any legal ramifications.  What if we just want to release some of the shame and guilt we've been holding onto for years.  What if we just want someone to know that we're not the only ones with a secret.  I think years of pain are more than payment enough for a moment of truth.  

We're not ruining careers, we're sharing our truth, and you can do with it what you choose.  Rather than questioning women coming forward, I think it is time to start questioning why so many women have stories like this and how we can change the story for future generations.

Unfortunately, the only way I see this turning around is for men who have changed their ways but used to take advantage of women or force themselves would come clean.  Because if we've learned anything from the past few years, it is than a man's truth is always more valuable than a woman's.  

Mercy Triumphs Over Judgement

Today was the Pride parade in Minneapolis.  I wasn't able to make it out to the parade, but wanted to let those celebrating know that I love them and am with them.  But there is always that one person that wants to try to use it as a moment to condemn the entire LGBTQ+ community all to hell.  

I have to have loads of grace for people like that, because I was once one of those people.  But five years ago God changed my heart after I witnessed the church condemning someone who needed to be loved.  I was extremely conflicted and depressed as a result and completely doubting my faith.

I spent a little over a year praying that God would help me understand how I was supposed to continue to be part of a church or religion that would tell someone they weren't welcome because they were too broken.  After all, I was equally as broken, I just did a better job of concealing it.  If they weren't welcome, then I wasn't either.  

I heard God speak to me one particularly dark day through John 4 and a sermon by Jonathan Martin called Everything I've Ever Done.  I listened to that sermon as I was on the treadmill and I ended up having to stop because I was crying so hard.  God clearly told me "This is what you were praying for".  Since that day, God started the process of deconstructing everything I ever knew about church and religion and rebuilding it on Jesus.  

My belief was built on rules and trying to be good enough to win salvation.  I never felt loved by Jesus, I never knew my own worth, until that day.

There are many verses I could throw out, but I won't do that, because that isn't what I'm trying to do here.  I'm just trying to explain how I ended up where I am today.

Once I learned that Jesus is our advocate

My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world. 1 John 2:1-2 (NIV)

It was a game changer for me.

Loved people, love people. Free people, free people.  That is who I want to be.  

Love is the most powerful force in the world.  Love is the only thing that has the power to change the world.  Jesus was able to speak to the Samaritan woman the way he did because he is Jesus.  He has the ability to look into someone's eyes and make them see and feel loved....he always lead with love.

I believe so strongly that for one human to judge another or an entire group of humans without even having the chance to sit down and talk to them, and even then, is the most damaging and corrosive form of sin there is, and I believe this is Biblical.

Genesis 2:16-17 says

And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”

This knowledge of good and evil is the desire to be like God.  The desire to decide who is good and who is bad.  The desire to judge.  But we're merely human.  We weren't made for that.  We don't have the knowledge of every single person.  We don't know their history, we don't know their struggles, we didn't knit them together in their mother's womb, we simply don't have the capacity to judge because we don't have the capacity to know them like only their creator can.  

The only person you are capable of judging and knowing is yourself.  So if you think to extend that judgement to another person, I'm gonna have to ask you to go back and read Genesis 2 again.  Then go ahead and read 1 Timothy 1:12-17 and see how Paul, who I think we can all argue is probably one of the most favored people in history, approached sin.

If you aren't willing to examine your own sin and view yourself as the worst of sinners, and understand your own capacity for needing grace, then please, just sit yourself down and keep your mouth shut because you aren't going to be doing anyone any favors.  You aren't going to help anyone, you're just going to hurt people.

Trust me when I say that I don't take my affirming stance towards LGBTQ+ people lightly.  The absolute last thing I would ever want to do is lead someone astray.  But I believe with everything in me, so strongly that I'd be willing to put my own salvation on the line for it, that the way to show up to them and EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS WORLD, is with love.  Love, mercy and patience are the only way. 

You know who has the complete power to change a heart and will do it at the exact right time? Jesus.  So I'm going to love like Him and trust that He will do the rest.  Jesus is the only person who has ever been able to change my heart.  Yes, he has used others to help get me there, but it has always been out of a love for him and a love for others that the message has been able to reach me.  

Clearly, the judgement and condemnation of the LGBTQ community has been doing far more harm than good up until this point.  I mean, just look at these statistics from the Trevor project

• Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among young people ages 10 to 24.1
• LGB youth seriously contemplate suicide at almost three times the rate of heterosexual youth.2
• LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth.2
• Of all the suicide attempts made by youth, LGB youth suicide attempts were almost five times as likely to require medical treatment than those of heterosexual youth.2
• Suicide attempts by LGB youth and questioning youth are 4 to 6 times more likely to result in injury, poisoning, or overdose that requires treatment from a doctor or nurse, compared to their straight peers.2
• In a national study, 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt. 92% of these individuals reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25.3
• LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGB peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection.4
• 1 out of 6 students nationwide (grades 9–12) seriously considered suicide in the past year. [5]
• Each episode of LGBT victimization, such as physical or verbal harassment or abuse, increases the likelihood of self-harming behavior by 2.5 times on average.6

If you can read through this without weeping, then I would sincerely ask that you check your heart.  Why would you show up with anything other than love and grace to people who are already hurting enough to take their own lives?

I'm no stranger to hating myself.  Maybe that is why it is easier for me to put myself in their shoes.  I know how much I've felt like a failure because I'm fat, or too emotional, or incapable of making and keeping friends.  Those thoughts run through my head every damn day.  If I had people telling me on top of that that I was damned to hell because I wanted to be who God made me to be, then there is no way I'd have the hope to continue on.  I'd be done, I wouldn't have the strength to carry on.  Where would the hope be?  

So today I celebrate my friends who have had the ability to realize that they weren't able to live the life that God desired for them by suppressing who they actually are and instead decided to live into it and be proud of it.  

Do you have any idea what that must have cost some of them?  Do you have any idea how difficult it still must be?  They should be nothing other than proud, because they live every damn day with more courage than most of us will ever know.

So to my friends who are out there and are living life as a proud LGBTQ community members, know that you are loved.  I love you, simply for being who you are, a beautiful person created in God's image.  Some people will try to convince you otherwise, but I am confident that Jesus loves you and you are not outside the arms of his grace and mercy, even if others have lead you to believe that. Nothing, and I mean nothing, can separate you from the love of God.  It is fierce and it is wild and it will come find you, and I pray that it does.  

I understand that you might not want it, because frankly, if I were in your shoes, I'd be really hesitant to want to grab onto something that looks as ugly as many people have been to you, but it is beautiful and powerful and worth it and if you ever want to join a community where you will be loved and accepted just as you are, you let me know, I've got one for you.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,8:38 Or nor heavenly rulers neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

To all my gay friends, my life is richer and fuller because of you and I am proud to know each and every one of you.  I know I'm just one person and that probably doesn't do too much to mend the bruises that have accumulated over the years, but I needed you to know.

Bring the Rain

This evening as I was attempting to remove the dry, fossilized dog poo from our back yard, which, lets be honest, is essentially a giant turd at this point in time, I had a revelation.  We, here in Minnesota, and I, in my soul, need some rain.

It has been a LONG winter.  The signs of spring just showed up last week.  Sometimes I forget just how lovely it is to step outside and not have the air hurt your face.  The good people of Minnesota have been cooped up for a long time and they are coming out for warm air and sunshine in droves.  The parks and trails seem a bit like an ant hill that just got smashed and people are scurrying all over trying to take in as much of the fresh air as possible.

Any chance I have had to be outside this past week, I have taken.  Last Friday as I was running outside, I pulled off my coat and exposed my upper arms to sunshine and fresh air, something they haven't seen or felt since last October.  As I pulled off my overcoat and the warm air enveloped me, I threw my arms to the side, let out a giant breath and promptly proceeded to cry.  

I realized in that moment that I felt like I'd been holding my breath since about November, just waiting to exhale and take a new breath in.  Last week I finally felt like I was able to breathe again.  

Many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a type of depression that is related to changes in the seasons.  I'm not sure if that was my story this winter, or if it was a combination of many other things, but I've spent the last six months or so more anxious and depressed than I've been in ten years, and it was rough.  Last time I was this depressed, I didn't have three children to keep up with.  Having them around forced me to keep getting up to face each day, even when the only thing I wanted to do was to stay in bed and sleep. 

Other times when I've been a little depressed, I've done my best just to keep moving forward and following my routines until I feel "normal" again.  When I tried the same approach this time, instead of feeling better, I became unable to meet the basic demands of life.  When feeding my kids and making minor decisions at work ended in panic attacks, I determined it was time to take some action.  

I started seeing a therapist again in March and have slowly been starting to see the light.  She has been helping me work through my disordered thinking, self loathing and complete lack of grace for myself.  It has been going well, I have been making progress in recognizing negative thoughts and turning them around.  After seeing her on Friday and having a great day yesterday, I was starting to think I had turned the corner.  But today I ended up spending half of the afternoon curled up under a blanket on the couch with tears streaming down my face and no motivation to do anything else...so I guess you could say I still have some work to do.  (I'm hoping that this setback is a side effect of a new medication that I started last week at the recommendation of a cardiologist, which is a story for another day.)

But back to my revelation.

After I pulled myself out of the cocoon I had created on the couch to address the multiple cries for food from my children, I decided to head outside to get some fresh air and attempt to rid our yard of the poopy mess.  As I was exploring our yard, I realized how dirty and lifeless this in between season is.  Yes, the barren, frozen, darkness of the winter has passed, but as the white snow melts away, all it does is expose the filth that has accumulated over the winter.  Death and decay is still everywhere you look.  There are tiny hints of new life in the buds on the trees and the shoots of green coming out of the ground, but grime and decomposition are still quite prevalent.  

Sheldon Rogers/Global News

I always think of spring as the season of new life, which it definitely is, but new life doesn't come without a cleansing rain to wash away all of the newly exposed filth.  As I realized how badly we need rain to wash away the muck outside, it hit me that my soul is in the exact same place.

I've done the work to expose the crud in my head and heart, but I'm still waiting for the purifying water.  The good thing is that I know where to find it, I just tend to forget who to ask.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.  If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:5-7)

Jesus is the answer and has everything I've been in need of.  

I know that this winter has been hard on so many people I love.  I think we're all waiting for the light and new life to find us.  For some, it has, for others, we continue to wait patiently.  My prayer is that you would feel His love, mercy and grace crash over you like a tidal wave, covering you with his fierce love, carrying with it all of the dirt and grime into the vastness of the sea as it recedes.  And, that like the tide, His love would continually wash over you and carry away with it anything that isn't bringing you life, with the everlasting hope that the next wave is never far away. 

The forecast shows rain this week, I say bring it on.  As the drops of rain fall on your face and on the earth, let it be a reminder of the purifying love of Jesus.  

Top 10 All-Time Favorite Albums

Hey!  Remember me?

I haven't blogged in a really long time but a few people have reminded me lately that I actually really enjoyed it and was healthiest when I was writing on a regular basis, so I'm going to try to make it a habit again.  To get things started, I thought it would be fun to write about my favorite topic, music.  

A few friends of mine have been doing a "Top 10 All-Time Favorite Albums" countdown on Facebook, and I thought I'd join in.  This is like choosing my favorite child, so I had to pick albums that had a significant impact in my life.  And, since I couldn't possibly pick an absolute favorite, they are in chronological order.

Bon Jovi

Slippery When Wet (1986)

I am relatively certain that this is the first cassette tape I bought with my own money.  I remember going to Sam Goody in Mankato on a Friday night and buying this with the biggest smile on my face.  I played it relentlessly.  "You Give Love a Bad Name" was my absolute favorite song for many years.  I remember singing it at the top of my lungs at The Red Barn, a fishing/camping resort in Sauk Centre, while my sister's and I played pool in the dingy restaurant that smelled like booze and stale cigarettes.  This album reminds me of care-free childhood summers filled with sun, fish and the lake. 

The Premiere Collection: The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber (1988) 

This album is bittersweet for me.  On one hand, it reminds me of my arrogant ass of a step-dad at the time.  Who, by the way, is the only person in my life I've ever told to "F*$K Off"", and that was at the age of 10.  In case you're wondering, he totally deserved it.  On the other hand, I wouldn't have fallen in love with these songs if it weren't for his presence in my life.  So I'll take the good parts and forget the bad parts.  

Can we take a moment to appreciate the musical genius that is Andrew Lloyd Webber?  The man is brilliant and these songs and the musicals they come from are so incredibly brilliant and moving.  I break out into "I Don't Know How to Love Him" and "Don't Cry for Me, Argentina" on a somewhat regular basis.  

I have an Andrew Lloyd Webber for Easy Piano book that I used to play through pretty religiously on Friday and Saturday evenings during middle and high school, cause I was cool like that.  

Garth Brooks

In Pieces (1993)

Oh, Garth.  I forgot how much I loved you.  It was hard deciding which album to pick, but as I was going through boxes of old CDs tonight and realized I had two of this one, I decided that it was likely my favorite.  "Standing Outside the Fire" and "The Red Strokes" are amazing songs.  I would listen to them over and over.  My most vivid memory of this CD was listening to it on my Sony Discman in the gym of New Ulm Junior High School while waiting to go on stage during the musical, Li'l Abner, in which I was a very proud citizen of Dogpatch, USA.   

Do you remember the video for "The Red Strokes"?  The white grand piano, clothes, etc and then the blood red paint oozing out of the piano....it was amazing.  

Garth is the master of the bridge, I swear, the minute any bridge hits in his songs, I just belt it out. 

Boyz II Men

II (1994)

This entire album is solid gold, man.  There are soooo many great songs on it.  "Water Runs Dry", "Yesterday", "I'll Make Love to You" and "On Bended Knee" are just a few of the examples of pure ear worm goodness on this baby.  I listened to the entire album every single morning in 8th grade as I was getting ready for school.  It took a REALLY long time to spiral curl my hair every stinking day.  It was the only way to make a botched layered haircut before they were cool, look cool. 24 years later (WHAT???) and I apparently still know every single lyric.  I remember feeling like this album was slightly scandalous because "50 Candles" is baby making music and my awkward 13 year old self didn't quite know what to do with that.  This album tour was also my very first concert, so it holds an extra special place in my heart.   

*NSYNC

*NSYNC (1997)

I think it is safe to say that this album changed the trajectory of my life.  Seems a bit dramatic, but I'm pretty sure it is true.  If it weren't for this album and my love for them, I wouldn't have discovered my love for live music.  I remember listening to the nightly countdown on KDWB and freaking out when "Tearin' Up My Heart" would win over "My Heart Will Go On" (Sorry, Celine).  I swear the opening of that song still gives me goosebumps.  My love (obsession?) with them was probably not healthy, but man, it was fun.  My little sister and I (and usually my mom) waited for hours in lines to get tickets for concerts outside of the Rainbow Foods in Burnsville.  We saw them four or five times, the first at The Orpheum Theater (with Britney), which isn't really built for Pop music, and I didn't know about ear plugs yet and everything sounded like Mickey Mouse when we walked out of there.  We must have worn out this album in the CD player of my mom's teal Oldsmobile, listening to it on every trip to Target or the Mall of America. 

Good Charlotte

Good Charlotte (2000)

There was actually people out there making music who knew what it was to struggle, just like I was.  My love of Good Charlotte opened the door to small venue concerts at places like The Quest,, 7th Street Entry, Trocaderos, and all of the others that have come and gone.  These were my people.  Sad looking kids with dark hair, piercings and Vans.  Kids who didn't quite fit in anywhere else found a home in concern venues filled with others just like them and for a few hours, felt like they belonged.  

Being a "good girl" was fun while it lasted, but eventually, life caught up with me and I turned into a jaded emo-kid.  I'm pretty sure my little sister discovered them first, but I fell in love with them.  They were singing about all of the things I was feeling in my heart.  I'm pretty sure the first time I heard "Little Things", I was sold.    

Dashboard Confessional

The Swiss Army Romance (2000)

This album.  It found me, I didn't find it.  It put to words and music so many of the things I was feeling.  The heartache.  The angst.  The loneliness.  The pain of growing up. It is all in here.

I first heard this album through the heating vents in my dorm room in Crawford Hall at Mankato State University.  I heard it crawling up the vent from the room below me one Saturday morning from the boy's floor below me.  I was alone, so I could act like a fool and no one cared.  I literally had my ear pressed up against the vent trying to hear more of it because it was speaking to my soul and I needed to know what it was.  I tried to hear enough of the lyrics to look for it on the internet, but this was pre-Google and I had no luck.  I NEEDED to know what this music that spoke to my soul was, and so I did the most terrifying thing ever and went downstairs, knocked on a door, and asked a complete stranger what they were listening to.  "Again I Go Unnoticed" and "The Sharp Hint of New Tears" became my anthems.  I blasted them in my dorm room as I sat in the dark, alone on the weekend evenings.  The early 2000's were a really dark time for me as I tried to navigate college life with social anxiety and without drinking and partying, but this music got me through it.

Damien Rice

O (2002)

This album signified a new chapter in my life.  I bought it at Cheapo on one of my first dates with James (my now husband) and we listened to it over and over while driving around, spending as much time together as we possibly could. The entire album is hauntingly beautiful and tender.  "Cold Water", "Volcano" and "Cannonball" were the soundtrack to our blossoming love and the start of our life together, so they will always hold a special place in my heart.

Brand New

The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me (2006)

I had been a Brand New fan for quite a few years before this album came out, and the first time I listened to it, I hated it.  It was a lot darker than their previous albums.  A lot less poppy and a lot more distortion and grit.  But, eventually, it grew on me and now, it is easily my favorite adult album.  It was one of the albums that James didn't mind listening to, so we listened to it together on countless trips to the North Shore.  It is one of those albums where I know very few of the actual track names because I just always listen to the entire thing.  My favorite song on the album, and possibly one of my favorite songs in general, is "Jesus Christ".  The entire album is songs about wrestling with knowing God's love, but feeling unworthy of it.  "You Won't Know" is one of my favorites to run to.  Some of my favorite lyrics of all time are from "Jesus Christ"

I know you think that I’m someone you can trustBut I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up(and you won't know)So do you think that we could work out a psalmSo I’ll know it’s you and that it's over so I won't even try

Manchester Orchestra

Hope (2014)

  

This album is the acoustic version of Cope, which is also a favorite.  While I love the edgier sounds of Cope, this album has the ability to completely calm me down when I am in the middle of a freak out.  We have it on vinyl, so when I've had a rough day at work, I pop this baby on while I'm making dinner and the world immediately turns into a better place.  Andy Hull, the lead singer/songwriter, is easily one of my favorite songwriters and just an all around good dude.  Much like Brand New, Manchester Orchestra aren't a Christian band, but many of their lyrics have Christian undertones and are honest about the conflict that can exist in many of us, and this album is full of songs like that.  "The Mansion" and "Cope" and "The Ocean" are my favorites on this album, but the whole thing is good.   

I'm sure as soon as I hit publish, I'll come up with ten others that were equally as important, but I think these had the most impact or stir up the most emotions and I look back on my life.  How about you?  What are your favorites?