My musings on life, making peace with my body, finding balance in raising three children, being a wife, working full time and trying to live like Jesus.
I'm sorry it has been so long, but I think I have a decent excuse. Our house was beaten to the ground by the stomach flu last week. My 2 year old woke up around 11pm last Wednesday night puking and puked until about 3:30 am, so I got about 3 hours of sleep on Wednesday night. Needless to say, the only thing I could think of at the end of the day on Thursday (a normal running day) was crawling into my bed, and that is exactly what I did. I came home to find out that the littlest one had thrown up a few times during the day but seemed to be doing ok.
Friday was a beautiful day, I was looking forward to the weekend. I had a great lunch with some co-workers at Bona, a Vietnamese restaurant on the University of Minnesota Campus. We got back to the office and I did a little bit of work and then my boss asked if I was busy. I wasn't and she said, "go home, Happy Memorial Day"! I questioned her once, but then gladly accepted the offer and was on my way out the door. I stopped at Old Navy on my way home to hit up the Memorial Day sale and buy some goods for the family. As I was on my way home, I started to feel a little bit yucky. I got in the door and everyone was still napping. My husband asked me for some Tums and water. I brought them to him and about two minutes later he was running for the bathroom and bowing to porcelain throne. About an hour and a half later, I joined in. It is a lot of fun trying to keep three little kids occupied while both parents are puking and completely nauseous.
Thankfully, we have the best family around who brought all the stomach flu necessities. I think we were both so happy when all of the kids were in bed and we could just try to sleep. The night was a bit rough, but Saturday was a bit better. We were still both really nauseous so we pretty much just sat on the couch and watched movies all day long. James and I took turns sleeping. Rory was so sweet, she kept trying to make me feel better. Sunday we took it easy again, still not feeling great. I think the only thing I had to eat/drink between Friday afternoon and Sunday evening was a glass of Gatorade, a can of Ginger Ale and a few saltines.
We all needed to get out of the house on Sunday afternoon so we decided to take a drive down to Prescott, WI so that the kiddos could see all the boats on the river. We ate a Dairy Queen. I thought I was doing ok, but I stared at the menu and nothing sounded at all appetizing. I finally decided that a hot dog sounded good....not sure where that came from, but I was able to eat it.
Monday, Memorial Day, we had a nice morning trying to clean up the disaster that our house had become over the past couple of days. Then we decided to head over to Lake Phalen for a picnic with some Jimmy John's subs. We got there at the perfect time, it got extremely busy after we finished our lunch. The kids had a fun time playing on the playground and we took a little bit of a walk so they could burn off some energy. There was a Hmong graduation party going on in the big picnic shelter and I had to take Rory to the bathroom and I realized that they were singing a song in Hmong, but the melody was really familiar. I stopped to listen a bit closer and realized that they were singing "Come Thou Fount". I'm an emotional girl and I got a bit misty eyed as I listened to them. I just thought it perfectly displayed what Memorial Day is all about. We remember the people that fight for our freedom so that we are free to do things like worship God in public places without fear of being murdered or imprisoned like so many Christians are in other areas of the world. It was really beautiful.
During the whole stomach flu debacle, my allergies turned into a sinus infection. I finally caved and went to the doctor on Tuesday evening so that I could get some antibiotics to try and get rid of this garbage. My body has just been beat down over the past week and a half and I'm trying to recover, but knew that I needed/wanted to get out for a run. I got out tonight and jogged for about a mile and a half and then walked for about three. It is going to take a while to work myself back up to where I was, but I'm confident that it will be done.
The scale reads 298.6 today. I thought for sure I would have lost more with all the puking and not eating, but I'll take it.
I think that is all I'll bore you with today. I'll leave you with a song that I can't get out of my head. FYI, The Loft Sessions by Bethel is quickly becoming my favorite worship album, you should check it out if you like worship music that doesn't sound like worship music.
I am feeling a tad bit of regret and shame, not a whole lot, but a wee bit. I'm really not feeling great today, my allergies are still kicking the snot out of me, my throat hurts, my muscles are sore and I'm just plain old tired. However, it turned out to be a beautiful night with a warm breeze and warm breezes on a spring/summer night are kind of one of my favorite things, so I had to get out. I decided to head out for a walk without my music and just enjoy the sounds of the neighborhood.
There is a parkway near our house so I decided I was going to walk to that and do a short, really slow run the length of the parkway and walk back home to at least get out and get moving. So I'm jogging along and came across three angst ridden, Avril Lavigne loving (probably), teenage punks. As I went by them I was completely expecting them to say something, but they didn't. Then, as I was heading back the opposite direction, they were still there and the three of them lined up along the trail and started to oink at me. I'd like to say that I brushed it off and just kept going, but I may have flipped them the bird as I ran by them.
I immediately felt ashamed and regretted my decision. Of course, hindsight being 20/20, I came up with all kinds of better options. I should have asked them to run along with me, all the way to my house, so that they could meet my husband. I should have stopped to talk with them, to let them know that God could never love them more than he does right now, something that I forgot in that moment. It is so easy to forget to love other people when they hurt us.
If I had my ear buds in and my music on, I never would have heard them. I guess I'm glad that it happened because I learned that no matter how much I want to tell myself that I'm not impacted negatively by other people, I still am. I am sure I always will be. It still gives me motivation to get myself to the point where people have no reason to oink at me as I run.
I think with as many times as I was bullied as a kid and as many times as I continue to be "harassed" yet today, I've just lost my tolerance. James and I were walking at the Mall of America a couple of weekends ago and we went through the food court and some teenage kids were in front of us. It was two boys and a girl (same as tonight....spooky) and there was a man from one of the Asian restaurants offering samples and one of the boys turned around and pulled the corners of his eyes back and started mocking him. My jaw dropped and I really had no control over the words that came out of my mouth. I just said "Not O.K! I don't care how old you are, that is so not O.K.". They quickly scurried away, but I remained in disbelief. How are we at a point, where in 2012, kids still think it is funny to make fun of people who look and sound different than them? It breaks my heart and makes me worry for my children.
I've always been one to defend the underdog. I know that I need to have more grace for the people doing the teasing because they are obviously trying to fill a big void, but it is so hard to do! I rarely call someone out, but when I hear someone bad mouthing another person, I just can't help myself.
If you have kids, please, please, please, make sure they know that it is not OK to bully, tease, harass or demean someone else. Give them the love that they require so that they don't feel the need to belittle someone else to feel better about themselves.
I'll end my PSA now. Thanks for reading and have a fabulous weekend!
I just got back from a lovely run. The breeze off of the lake was perfect tonight, it was just a nice, laid back run at the end of the day. I think it was the first time where I just kind of felt like I was enjoying myself and not worried about pushing myself. I completely forgot to use my inhaler before I left, so I'm paying for it now, but it was still nice.
Mother's Day was nice. We went to church, my little sister and I took the two big kids to get their hair cut while the little one napped and the hubby made brunch. The kiddos made some beautiful artwork for me at daycare (some day I might actually take the time to post some pictures on here) and James got me a Keurig with a large assortment of coffee. I kept telling him that we didn't need one, but now that I have one, it has saved me time and money. I think the lovely people at Super America are going to miss me and my morning coffee purchases.
I'd like to say that the rest of the day was perfect, but the afternoon was rough. James had to go to sleep around 1pm so he was ready for a night of work and the kids didn't want to nap. They were all crabby, whiny and fighting non stop. There was a sink full of dishes and I was about to loose my mind, so I do what I always do when that happens, I called my mommy. She had been out of town to visit her mom but just got back so I asked if she would mind some visitors. She was happy to oblige so I loaded up the bunch and off to Grandma's we headed. We enjoyed a crazy and messy dinner at Dairy Queen and hung out for a bit and then headed home. I'm so glad my mom is only a phone call away, I really don't know what I would do without her. I guess it was a good way to celebrate my mom! Thanks, Mom!
On Sunday night I was really thinking about how crazy and frantic my life is most of the time and how good I am at making it seem like I have everything together. Usually, when people see my three kids or hear that I have a 9 month old, 2 year old and 3 year old, their first comment to me is "I don't know how you do it". I just wanted to take a minute to address all of those people and let you know that I wouldn't even survive if I didn't have God to help me through it.
If you were a fly on the wall in our house on the 4 mornings a week that I have to get myself and the kids up, dressed and out the door, ready for the day, you would see that I don't do it very well. I frequently loose my temper with them. On the weekends I often can't wait until nap time so that I can have a little bit of time to myself...and then when one or more of them decide that they aren't going to nap, I get angry and resentful and it just isn't pretty. I hate that I can get so burnt out that I find myself wishing away the time I spend with them. It breaks my heart. I love all of them so much and I love watching them grow into little people with their own special gifts and passions. I need to do a better job of not sweating the small stuff and spending more time finding the joy in the day to day routine I have with them. I know one thing for sure, there is nothing easy about having three small kids! People tell me all the time at work that I am so patient, but I feel like I have so far to go in that area at home.
I'm still working on the post I mentioned previously about my struggle between love and truth. I am taking my time on it because I want it to accurately reflect my heart. I don't want to rush it. To sum it up though, I feel like there is a huge divide among Christians. There are love people and there are truth people and they are constantly criticising each other's views. I think that they are both important and I think we need to blend them together, and that is what I am trying to wrap my head around. More to come on that. I just keep asking for God to give me some clarity and help me to understand his heart on this topic. I want him to fill my mouth/head with His words.
I think that about does it for tonight. I have a date with the fabulous fairy tale of Queen Esther. Take care!
It was a BEAUTIFUL spring day here in Minnesota. The weather was just about perfect for the fishing opener, if you were doing that sort of thing. I bought Dora and Diego fishing rods for the two big kids (like 2 and 3 years old is "big" somehow, but in our house it is). I grew up fishing, but my dad pretty much did everything for us, so when I went to get the rest of the gear at Fleet Farm last night, I was completely overwhelmed. I'm not sure we'll be fishing anytime too soon. How in the world do people use all that stuff?!?
We spent most of the day outside planting flowers and weeding and doing all the other fun things that come with owning a home. I love sunshine, it makes me so much happier.
I had a decent run this morning. I wanted to stop pretty much immediately, but I just pushed through it. I decided to start the Bridge to 10K running program now. Not because I have any plans to run a 10K, I just don't have the time to train for something like that, but because I need some kind of structure to keep me motivated. It is a 6 week program and I figure that it will help me improve my 5K time. The first week is four repetitions of 10 minutes running and 1 minute walking with 5 minute warm up and cool down, so about 53/54 minutes. I was really not wanting to do the last 10 minute interval, but I knew I'd be mad at myself later if I didn't just press on and get through it. I hit the bridge of "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant right as I was getting near the end. With the words "Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty, My Savior, Defender, you are My King" running through my head and the bright sun shining on my face, there was no stopping me! I did find out that I don't run very straight and I probably shouldn't close my eyes while running because I almost wound up in the lake. I was enjoying that moment a bit too much.
I will be back tomorrow with a longer post. I've been mulling over an internal struggle that I'm having with the balance between love and truth....until then. Happy Mother's Day to all the people who are or serve as mother's!
I'm going to go ahead and call today a win, which is saying a lot compared to the last week or so. I have been in a FOUL mood for about the last week and a half and my poor husband has taken the brunt of it. It is sad how the people we love the most almost always get the worst of us, or maybe that is just me. Anyway, I'm feeling much better this week, but not dismissing the fact that I have a lot of work to do in the anger department.
Today has been a long day followed by a very short night of sleep due to an over tired two year old with night terrors. I don't think I've ever felt more helpless in my life than I did last night watching my little boy writhe and flop around in bed screaming at the top of his lungs. Nothing I did helped or made a difference, he just kept screaming. After about 10 minutes of it, I ended up sobbing and throwing him in the car to head to the ER around midnight because I was completely convinced that he was possessed or had something majorly wrong with his intestines. I think the transition into the car was enough to snap him out of it and after a five minute drive I decided to just turn around and head back home and put him back in bed and after a few little tantrums, we were good to go. Raising kiddos is a constant challenge and an ongoing learning experience.
After a long day at work I had told myself that I wasn't going to run. I'm still trying to kick my cold and the weather was crappy so I was just going to go to bed early. After getting the dishes loaded in the dishwasher, I started to see some blue sky and decided that I was at least going to get out and go for a walk. Well, once I got out and about, I decided that it was a beautiful night for a run. So after a 5 minute walk, I set my run keeper to 5K and off I went. I ran a full 5K without stopping in about 42 minutes. I was definitely taking it slow so I am confident that by the time June 15 rolls around, I will be able to complete my first actual 5K race in my goal of under 40 minutes. I don't care if it is 39:59, I just want to be under 40 and I think that is realistic and achievable.
I decided that as great as praise and worship songs are, they sometimes make me end up running slower and thinking about the words, which is great, but I needed to mix in some songs that made me want to keep going faster. So I found a nice mix of faster praise and worship songs, some Needtobreathe, Flyleaf and Skillet and then threw in some Finch and Jimmy Eat World for good measure. There is always going to be an angst ridden emo girl deep down inside of me, and Jimmy Eat World speaks to her. "The Middle" came on near the last mile of my run and it just made me smile and perked me up a bit....I just had to keep telling myself, "Just do your best, do everything you can, don't you worry what the bitter hearts are going to say." (I also stole the title of this post from the same wonderful song.)
The scale continues to make me happy. It is slow progress, but progress none the less. I was 295 this morning and I am starting to notice a difference in the way my clothes are fitting. It is bittersweet when your favorite pair of work pants don't want to stay up!
I'm going to end this post on a completely unrelated topic (and here is where I start bringing in my unfiltered opinions on things...you have been warned), but I had a little moment on Sunday and haven't had the chance to write about it yet.
When we were at church on Sunday, there was a young gentleman a couple rows in front of us with Down Syndrome. During one of the worship songs, I could hear and see him singing loudly and out of key with every fiber of his being. Tears just began to roll down my face as I watched him. How amazing must it feel to be completely, 100% lost in worship? I treasure the times when I can shut my brain off and just worship. It is so hard for me to do and here was a boy who some would feel sorry for, doing it so very well.
I started to think about an article that I had read a couple of months ago about a new prenatal blood test that would more accurately diagnose Down's in babies during pregnancy. I believe that the abortion rate for babies who test positive for Down's is 75-80%. There is concern that it will become higher and that with the decrease in people being born with Down's, there will be a drastic reduction in the research being done. Sad.
God created humanity so that we would bring glory to His name. It is rare to see someone glorifying and worshiping God for all that he is like the boy was in front of me at church. There were times during the offertory that he would just rise to his feet and raise his hand in praise, he just couldn't keep it inside. I just can't understand why people believe that that isn't a life worth living. Why is his life or the life of any child with Down's Syndrome somehow less valuable than another? My heart is constantly broken for the millions of babies who are not given the chance at life. This is one of those things in life that I will never understand.
My prayer today is that I might have even a shred of the passion and faith that that boy has for the God who loves us all more than we can ever comprehend and that some day everyone would understand the value of ALL people.
33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! 34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?” 35 “Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?” 36 For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
It has been a while, I apologize. Life seems to get away from me some times and the days go way too quickly.
Here is a brief recap of the past week:
Friday - Had a nice date night at MOA with the hubby. We ate at Tucci Benucch for the first time in a long time and I was really happy that we went there. We split a pizza and salad and I had a Tiramisu Martini with a twist of the arm....it was delicious. I bought a couple of shirts and a dress from Old Navy and they all fit, which is exciting. I normally have to shop online for things from ON since the plus size line is "exclusively" online. I kind of hate it when places use the world exclusively for something like that, please just be honest and use the word only. I feel like exclusive should be reserved for super cool swanky things, and there is nothing super cool or swanky about not being able to try things on before purchasing them.
Saturday - I usually run on Saturday morning, it was supposed to rain/storm so I decided to stay inside and use the treadmill. I LOATHE running on the treadmill. I'm just not good at seeing the time ticking down in front of me and I can't get "in the zone". I did about 15 minutes of intervals to try and keep myself entertained, but I just couldn't do it. So I threw in the towel and rode the recumbent bike for 20 minutes. I was frustrated, but tried to stay positive.
Monday - My allergies turned into a really bad cold and left me exhausted. I stayed home from work to sleep and try and recover.
Tuesday - I still felt pretty crappy but went to work. It is also one of my running days. Normally I just bring all my gear to work with me and run on my way home, but the forecast said it would be raining at that time, so I didn't bring anything with.....but that only applies when the meteorologists know what they are talking about. It wasn't raining when I left work and I could have gotten a run in before it started, but by the time I was able to run, it was raining....again. I decided to venture downstairs again and give the treadmill a go. I lasted about 15 minutes before I decided that it just wasn't going to happen. I then did the recumbent bike for 20 minutes and did some strength training when I was done.
I ended my workout feeling defeated, frustrated and angry. After I got done, I was doing the dishes and just kept finding things to complain about. I was mad that I have to sacrifice sleep and clean dishes for exercise, sick of being sick and frustrated with not having enough time to spend with my kids....it was a huge pity party for one. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the only person I was mad at was myself. I was mad at the expectations that I have for myself.
I've done the StrengthsFinder assessment quite a few times now, but Responsibility and Empathy are almost always in my top 5 strengths. As I was finishing up the dishes, I came to the realization that the reason I have such high expectations for myself, never ask for help and get mad at myself is because of the combo of those two qualities. I want things done right and to meet my expectations. I will do whatever I have to do to make it happen. I rarely expect anything from anyone else or have the same standards for others. I can always talk myself into understanding why someone else wasn't able to do something (gotta love empathy), but I can never seem to do the same for myself. It is an interesting mix that I need to learn to handle better, but I was quite proud of the revelation that I had. It made me understand myself a little bit better and I felt better after realizing why I do what I do.
Wednesday - Work and Small Group. It is always nice to just sit and talk with women that Love God and want to grow in their relationship with him. Even if we don't always stay focused, I think we all always walk away learning something.
Thursday (today) - I stopped at Como on my way home and ran outside for the first time in a week. I had planned on trying to actually run 5K's without stopping, but the combination of recovering from a cold, 80 degree weather and 60% humidity made my body have a different plan. I ran for 30 minutes and felt like I was going to pass out and puke so I walked the rest of the way. I am trying to give myself some grace since I'm still on the mend, but I'm still not so good at that....but I'm trying.
On a positive note, the scale said 296.2 and I haven't seen that pesky 3 at the front of the scale in a week. I'm smiling about that. I have been specifically staying away from counting calories and just focusing on making better choices and I'm happy to see that the weight is coming off by doing that. I know that I'll get to a point where I do need to be more diligent about watching caloric intake, but I don't want to get stuck in the "diet" trap. I'm not on a diet, I'm changing my life and I need to do something that is sustainable.
I guess that about sums it up because I've got a naked two year old who should be fast asleep.
