Creating "MyPlate"

Today I had the much anticipated appointment with the Weight Management physician.  It is part of the Weight Loss Clinic that mostly does bariatric surgery.  I have been seen there before in 2007 and was pursuing gastric bypass surgery, but thankfully, the decision on the part of the clinic and psychologist was to not approve me for the surgery.  I know that surgery wouldn't have been the answer for me, this is something I needed to do on my own.  I wanted a quick fix at that point because it had gotten so out of control.

I was somewhat disappointed with the appointment today.  I think I was expecting more advice and help than I got, but I'm thinking that might be coming in the future.  I met with the physician for an hour and then with a dietitian for an hour.  I have to have some lab work done to check for some things, but my lab work always comes back just fine, so I'm doubtful that they will find anything metabolically that explains why I am the way I am.  The doctor I'm seeing has a grant right now so her patients can see a physical therapist to discuss exercise issues with a PT for free as part of the study she is doing.  I was very interested in that so I set up an appointment for that for next week.

So my current goals for the next couple of weeks are:

• Diligently track food intake and exercise on MyFitnessPal with a calorie goal of 1,650 a day.  I can have about 200 extra calories on the days that I run, but non-running days I shouldn't go above that goal. 
• Plan all meals and snacks 3-4 days in advance
• Focus on increasing veggie intake to 2 servings a day and continue 3 servings of fruit. 
• Follow the "myplate" guidelines for meal portions

Both the doctor and the dietitian were very encouraging and pleased with the progress I have made on my own.  They think I have a great start on things and believe that I am doing a lot of what I need to be doing to make this successful.  This is nice to hear but also frustrating at the same time since I have stopped making progress.  Since I am doing most of what they recommend already, the doctor did recommend that I consider trying a medication (appetite suppressant) short term to get me off of the plateau that I'm on.  I wasn't completely sold on that today, so she put in the order and I can get it filled if I want or leave it if I decide not to.

I had a lot of questions for the dietitian because I feel like that is where I struggle the most.  Being active isn't a problem for me, it is just wading through all the various advice related to food that I struggle with.  I asked her if there were any particular foods or food groups that should be completely avoided.  She quickly answered with a no, which I was happy about.  I also talked about struggling to find healthy and balanced recipes that are quick and don't require a lot of exotic ingredients.  She recommended two websites: Cooking Light and Eating Well.  I've gotten recipes off of both of those sites before and enjoyed them, so I think I'll spend some more time looking there.  I seriously lack creativity when it comes to cooking, so if I don't have recipes to follow, the default is pasta.  I'm looking forward to finding some new recipes to try. 

So all in all, I've got a good base, just need to tweak some things and hopefully things will start moving in the right direction again.  I really would have liked for some super clear answer for why things stopped moving, but I'll take this is a starting point.  One thing I know about this journey, it isn't easy and it isn't fast and it takes a whole lot of effort and planning.  It is nice to know that just because I'm not following a very specific or restrictive diet, they still have faith that I'll be able to reach my goal.

So that's that. 

I've got a long run this weekend (12.5 miles) and the weather does not look like it is going to cooperate and I'm on call on Sunday, so I'm trying to figure out how to work it in.  I'm thinking I might be running home from church on Saturday night if the weather cooperates, that will be kind of fun!

The honor of discipleship

Hello!

Life has been pretty great since my last post.  I had a long run on Sunday that I was hoping to do outside, but given a really cold/gloomy day and a family function around dinner time, I decided to do it on the treadmill while the kiddos were taking their afternoon nap.  I ran for a full 2 hours and 28 minutes at a 13:30 mile/hour pace.  For most runners, that pace isn't anything to be excited about, but for this girl, it was an amazing accomplishment.  I am about a month out from my first half marathon and feeling confident that I'll be able to run the entire thing if I keep my pace consistent and slow.  Slow and steady wins finishes the race.

Thursday was BEAUTIFUL.  I went for a 3 mile run around a nearby lake.  I took Lena with me and she did pretty well.  It is really nice to have a 4-legged running partner :-)  I was feeling pretty good and pushed myself a bit more than I normally would have.  When I was at about mile 2 or so, I passed by a man walking the opposite direction that I saw at the beginning of my run on the other side of the lake.  He saw me, got a big smile on his face and said, "Wow, you're still going!"  I gave him a big smile back and said, "gotta keep going."  Seriously, if God wasn't constantly giving me the courage and strength to do this, I would have quit long ago.  This isn't something that people my size do, but I'm not going to let that stop me.  It was the fastest I've ever made it around the lake, so I was pretty excited about that.  

I took Friday off of work because I headed to the Devoted Hearts Conference in Rochester with three friends.  Jen Hatmaker and Kelly Minter were the two speakers and Laura Story lead worship.  It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G..  Honestly, it was a blessing to be able to spend the past two days soaking in some amazing Bible teaching from incredible speakers alongside three ladies that I'm super thankful to have in my life.

I'm still processing much of what was said because the topic was one that has been weighing heavily on my heart lately.  The motto of the conference was "Act Justly, Love Mercy, Walk Humbly", from Micah 6:8, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, walk humbly with your God?"

I'm sure I'll have a couple of posts about the things I learned and what it means for me (lets just say I was pretty much straight up crying like a baby in a "the Holy Spirit is working something out in my heart" kind of way during Jen's closing prayer), but tonight I wanted to focus specifically on something Jen Hatmaker talked about on Friday night.

She picked Luke 10:38-42 as her focus for the night, the story of Mary and Martha

"Now as they went on their way, Jesus  entered a village. And a woman named  Martha  welcomed him into her house.  And she had a sister called  Mary, who  sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching.  But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me."  But the Lord answered her,  "Martha, Martha, you are  anxious and troubled about many things,    but one thing is necessary.  Mary has chosen  the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." 

I've always heard this taught about how we shouldn't be Martha and miss the important things in life by focusing on the silly details.  Never have I heard it taught the way Jen taught it last night, nor have I ever learned so much about the Jewish education system and training for a Rabbi.  It was fascinating.  Apparently, only a very small, select group of boys were ever given the privilege and honor of training to become a rabbi.  Their education/training was basically for them to become disciples of a rabbi.  This literally meant that they followed right behind their rabbi and imitated EVERYTHING he did.  Women were never given this honor, so when Jesus came to Martha and Mary, Mary chose discipleship.  She recognized the honor that Jesus gave to her by allowing her the opportunity to learn from him.  

 

Jen asked the question - Are we receiving the honor that discipleship is? 

 

Let that one sink in for a bit. 

 

I know that I am not even coming close to receiving that honor, but God is working in me to fully know and recognize what an honor it is. 

 

When Jen talked about the disciples following the Rabbi, I got this picture in my head of my three kiddos following right behind me.  They are always one step behind me.  If I sit down, they sit down.  If I go in the bathroom, they go in the bathroom.  They are watching everything I do and learning from it.  I am their teacher. 

 

Then it hit me.  If I want them to know, love and imitate Jesus, then they need to see me doing all of those things every step of the way.  I need to be following right behind Jesus while they follow me.  

 

Sidebar: The picture in my head pretty much looks like the Abbey Road CD cover only Jesus is John, I'm Ringo and my kiddos are Paul and George...only there are three of them, but you get the point.   

 

 

 

I'm at a phase in my life where it is very difficult to find time outside of work and raising these kiddos.  I really struggle with that because there are so many people/causes that I want to be helping.  Seeing this image in my head helped me understand the importance of teaching my kiddos how important it is to follow Jesus and made me feel peace with where I'm at today.

 

I want them to know who my teacher is.  As their mother, my main role in their life is to ensure that once they stop following me, they start following Him.  Jen summed it up so nicely in these two phrases, "there is nowhere better for us to be than directly behind Jesus" and "follow at all costs, imitate at every turn, love like he did". 

 

Who (or what) are you following?

 

 

 

 

Stay tuned for more on this topic, I'm just getting started.  There is so much going on in my heart and head right now...need to process more. 

 

I'll leave you with an awesome picture of the best sister in law a girl could ask for and the one and only Jen Hatmaker. 

 

  

Small Victories and Painful Realities

Guess what, the scale moved!  It was only 1 pound, but I've been fighting so hard for some progress on the scale.  I guess I'll take anything given the fact that I've been gaining and losing the same 4 pounds over and over again since January.  

I'm also wearing a pair of size 18 jeans today.  I honestly don't remember the last time I've been able to do that, I think it may have been early on in high school.  It is nice to know that even though the scale isn't moving, my body is changing.

I made it to the gym on Monday and Thursday night and ran outside on Tuesday night with Lena.  It was my first run with her so I wasn't quite sure how it was going to go, but she did really well.  She only tried to kill me twice by bolting in front of me.  It was only 2.5 miles, but it was my fastest non-treadmill pace at that distance, so I was pretty excited about that.  After my run, I got cleaned up and then James and I headed out on a date night and went for a 2.7 mile walk around Como Park and then had dinner at Punch Pizza.  According to my heart rate monitor, I burned more calories on our walk than on my run, which is interesting, but I think it was because I was in an anaerobic zone for most of my run. Tomorrow is a long run day, 11 miles on the plan, I hope the weather cooperates!

Even with all the good things going on, I've been feeling pretty sad and vacant lately, kind of like I'm just walking around in a fog most of the time.  Last night, all I wanted was a chocolate chip cookie from McDonald's.  James had to take Lena to the vet and I asked him to pick some up on the way home.  Luckily, the drive thru line was too long so they came home without the cookies.  I knew I didn't actually "need" a cookie, but that was how I felt and I hate that I feel that way.  I over analyze pretty much every thought and feeling that I have, and the simple fact that I even craved a cookie left me feeling extremely depressed and I ended up just going to bed after the kids were in bed.   

I don't want to feel like a cookie, or any other food, is going to make me happy.  I know it isn't.  I don't want to yell at my kiddos when they are just doing things that kiddos their age do, but I do.  I don't want to focus on my imperfections, but they constantly cloud my thoughts.  

I want God to be enough. I know that he is.  It kills me to not be able to find the joy that I know I should have in Him.  It is really hard as a Christian to even admit that I have a difficult time finding joy because it feels like I am doing something wrong.  I must not be spending enough time in The Word.  I must not spend enough time praying.  I must be spiritually immature.  Everything I've read about finding joy says to do all of the things I'm already doing, but still, it doesn't work.  How can I love God, know that he loves me and still feel so empty?  

As I'm asking myself this, the painful reality hit me.  As much as I want to believe and tell myself that I don't still battle with depression, it becomes painfully clear to me that I do.  And I hate that.

I think, somehow, my body reacted differently than most women's do to the hormones that come along with pregnancy and breastfeeding.  Instead of hanging on to pregnancy weight gain, mine came off quickly.  Instead of post partum depression, I, for the most part, felt better than usual.  I have struggled with depression since I was 10.  I've had many visits with psychologists and took anti-depressants off and on during my 20's.  I really wanted that chapter of my life to just be done with and hoped that the last six years or so  meant that I had turned the corner, but I think I was wrong.....and it sucks.

So I've been trying to process the painful truth about my brain and how it just doesn't like to function like most people's.  I wish it did, life would be much easier.  

So today I write this for anyone else out there who also struggles.  It is possible to be a Christian, to know, love and serve a God who loves us more than we'll ever fully comprehend and yet still struggle with depression and anxiety.  It is taboo, no one wants to talk about it.  But if I can at least let one other person out there know that they aren't alone, then I'll happily throw my struggles out there for the world to see.  Relevant magazine had an article about this recently - you can check it out here

There are moments where God's love breaks through and I feel whole, but it doesn't seem to last.  Moments like tonight at church where I just stood and cried, with my lips trembling too hard to form the words that everyone else was singing  

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.  And oh, how He loves us oh, oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all (How He Loves - David Crowder Band)

I needed that song tonight.  It reminded me that even though I don't always feel His love, He is fighting for me and will do whatever it takes to make sure I know it.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.  Exodus 14:14 (ESV)

 
       

Perfect Peace

Howdy.

Stomach flu 2.0 visited our house this week, it has been lovely.  It started with Mr. Oskar, then I got it and then Mr. Ragerpants had it.  I felt crappy Tuesday and Wednesday and then worked from home and took care of kiddos at the same time on Thursday and Friday.  It is always fun trying to play the mute/unmute game on conference calls when I'm working from home with the kids.  It is nice to work with people who are understanding and it is a huge blessing to have a job that is extremely flexible. 

On top of the stomach bug, James has been going on week number three of a headache that won't go away.  He's been to the doctor a few times and had a CT scan and they can't seem to identify the cause.  He has been out of commission for the past couple of days and it is taking a toll on him.  I honestly don't remember the last time he was actually healthy and felt well, I just wish "they" could figure out what the deal is. 

So with all of that, my fitness has taken a bit of a back seat this week.  I only made it to the gym on Monday morning and Friday night.  I spent about an hour and a half there Friday night and it was glorious.  I really wish I had more time to workout because I enjoy it so much.  It is a happy place for me, despite feeling extremely self-conscious at times.  It is really nice to get back into a lifting routine.  I have 4 miles on the schedule for tomorrow and I'm thinking I'll probably end up running on the treadmill at home while the kids take their nap in the afternoon since the weather is so disgusting here.

I finally re-lost the 4 or so pounds I re-gained while in my "funk" and I'm trying to focus on moving forward without looking at how far I have left to go and taking it one pound at a time.  I've been following Lisa Rambo from The Biggest Loser 14 on Facebook and Instagram and I am completely inspired by her.  She is going to be starting a blog soon and I am very much looking forward to it.  She is also a Christian and was very successful at moving forward with her weight loss after being sent home from the ranch and always has positive thoughts to share.  She is just such a joyful woman, I think I could learn a lot from her.  I'm drawing a lot of my motivation lately from her story so I'm hoping I'll get some good tips and recipes on her blog. 

I woke up super early this morning and had a hard time getting back to sleep because I was feeling really anxious and unsettled.  I'm very concerned about my hubby's head and how much work he has had to miss because of it and I was playing out all of these horrible scenarios in my head....never good.  I finally realized that my thoughts weren't at all productive or helpful so I grabbed my phone and opened up YouVersion.  I was looking through verses that I've bookmarked and there were two that made my eyes well up with tears and brought me back to a better frame of mind.

Isaiah 26:3-4

Revelation 21:3-4



I bookmarked both of them a couple of weeks ago on the same day I think, which I didn't think anything of until I started to feel a bit anxious again tonight so I grabbed my actual Bible (I use the ESV Study Bible from Crossway and love it!) to see what the commentary on Isaiah 26:3 said.

Yeah, I may have had an ugly cry after I saw that Revelation 21:4 was referenced in the commentary for Isaiah 26:3.  God is so good to me and practically hits me over the head with his love and mercy on days when I'm really struggling to feel it.  The reason both of those passages brought me such comfort is because they go hand in hand. 

I am thankful that I have my foundation on a rock as solid as a God who will wipe away EVERY tear, who's love is never ending and never failing.   I am very much looking forward to that day.  For now, I will find peace in the fact that I know that day is coming and that he loves me.  I know that he has a plan for my life and will use all of the struggles, all of the tears and all of the pain for good.  There is so much peace in that.  I just have to remember to keep my mind on those truths and not the lies that I tell myself. 

I saw a quote on Facebook this week that was very timely for me and it all kind of ties in with this.

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. And the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." ~George Mueller

My prayer tonight is that God would help me keep growing in my faith, that I will learn to trust him completely.  I pray that I keep my mind focused on him so that I always remember who he is and who he says I am. 

After all, that is what this journey is all about, isn't it?

Stay the Same or Fight

The funk is over….I think

I've been feeling pretty good and making better choices with what goes into my mouth this week so I feel like things are looking up.

Our Easter was nice, I was hoping to get a nice family picture, but that never seems to happen.  I got two pictures of the youngest and the oldest. 

On Monday, I had decided to finally join LA Fitness because it is the most convenient and Fairview offers a corporate discount on membership and waives the enrollment fee.  I clicked the link from our website that is supposed to take you to the LA Fitness Corporate Membership page and kept getting an error.  I e-mailed the contact on the page and she said everything was working for her, so I called my mom, who also works for Fairview and it worked for her, so I decided that it was God's way of telling me he had other plans.

A couple hours later I hopped in the van to go pick up the kiddos and I got a call from our LA Fitness representative.  He had heard from the person I e-mailed that I was having trouble so he gave me a call to sign up.  So, I happily gave him my info and got myself all signed up.

Tuesday night I finally got the chance to actually go to the gym.  I went to the location that is closest to our house around 7pm and it was PACKED!  I was crying on the inside but decided to go ahead with it.  I'm still not very confident being around super athletic people and that is who was at the gym that night.  I got the run down on where everything was and then got my workout started.  I had a 30 minute run on the schedule for that evening so I scoured the place for an open treadmill and finally found one between two very thin, very fast, very fit ladies.  I typically start my runs at 5mph on my treadmill at home and do intervals between 5/5.5/6 over the 30 minutes.  I've been working really hard on trying to run consistently at 6mph, but I've still got a long way to go.  So I set the treadmill at the gym on 5 and was expecting to follow the same routine but I was exhausted after the first 5 minutes.  I'm not sure if the treadmill was faster than mine or if it was the heat or if it was self doubt….maybe it was a combination of all three.  I ended up walking quite a bit but made it through the 30 minutes and even got a tap on the shoulder from a familiar/friendly face.  After I got done on the treadmill I did leg weight machines for about half an hour.

I am very much looking forward to weight lifting and building some muscle.  I used to be able to lift so much more in high school and college than I can now, so I am hoping to regain some of that strength.  Thursday morning I went to a different LA Fitness location after I dropped the kiddos off and it was so much nicer and there were far less people, so I think I'm going to try and make that my routine.  I'm glad I have a job that allows me to make my own schedule most days.

Speaking of work, I am on-call from 7a Sunday to 7a Monday, since Sunday is normally my long run day, I needed to figure something else out for this week.  I took a look at the weather and decided my best option was probably running before work today and then making up some time on the weekend.  So I got ready before the kids woke up, dropped them off and then headed to one of the trails that I like to run on.  It was a little chilly but the sun was shining, so that was nice.  I had 9.5 miles on the schedule today and I wanted to focus on keeping a consistent pace, I was hoping to hold steady around 13:00min/mile.  Things started out well and I was staying consistent for the first 4 or 5 miles and then things quickly went downhill.  I forgot that part of the trail I was on is used as a cross-country ski trail during the winter and I hit a whole bunch of snow and ice about 4 miles in.  I tried to run on it for a while but then decided to bail on the trail and run on a gravel road that was close by.  The gravel was soft and it completely changed my stride and I quickly lost focus and started to slow down and eventually started walking.  I walked for almost a mile while I tried to re-gain focus and stop thinking about how tired my legs were.  It was a beautiful little farm neighborhood.  I saw a whole bunch of deer and tried to get a picture of them but they saw me and started running, there was also a nice little lake that I stopped to take a picture of.  

I kept waiting for my phone to tell me I had made it half way so I could turn around and head back and it seemed like it took forever.  The second half was brutal and I don't think I've ever wanted anything to be over so badly.  I definitely need to start bringing with something to re-fuel  mid run.  I was happy to make it back on clean pavement around mile 6.5 and kept waiting for my phone to tell me I had hit mile 7 and after I passed a mile marker that I knew would have put me there, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and realized that RunKeeper had crapped out on me and my run wasn't tracking anymore, I was disappointed, but just kept going.  Those last 2.5 miles were awful, I was so happy to see my van and be done!  My overall pace ended up being 14:00, so much slower than I was hoping for, but I am choosing to focus on the fact that I was deliberate in finding time to run/walk 9.5 miles. 

I had my heart rate monitor (thanks, mom!) with me for the first time, which was nice, because I had been concerned that I wasn't pushing myself hard enough on my long runs, but according to my heart rate, I'm right where I should be.  I was super relieved to have the HRM on because I was able to keep track of the length of my run even though run keeper stopped working and was able to edit the run to have a good idea of my average pace.

As usual, there were a couple of moments where God really seemed to show himself to me.  The first was right after I turned around, I was heading back around the lake mentioned above and the song "You Know Me" by Bethel Music came on.  That song always reminds me that God knows exactly where I am at all times and knows exactly what I'm going through, he knows everything about me.  So even on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, God was with me, giving me the encouragement I needed to continue.

The second was just as I was heading from the gravel road back onto the clean trail, it was from a new song that I added to my playlist last night.  The song is called "You Decide" by Fireflight and the part of the song that hit me hard was this

God is calling out to you again
Let Him pull you, let Him take you in
From the fear that swallows up for your life
Will you stay the same or will you fight?

You decide
(Who will you run to)
Wrong or right
(There is no reason)
For you to hide
Only love can change your life

Will you stay the same or will you fight?  I have decided to fight, and I fought for the entire 9.5 miles today.  Some days I don't feel like fighting, but I have not given up.