Small Victories and Painful Realities

Guess what, the scale moved!  It was only 1 pound, but I've been fighting so hard for some progress on the scale.  I guess I'll take anything given the fact that I've been gaining and losing the same 4 pounds over and over again since January.  

I'm also wearing a pair of size 18 jeans today.  I honestly don't remember the last time I've been able to do that, I think it may have been early on in high school.  It is nice to know that even though the scale isn't moving, my body is changing.

I made it to the gym on Monday and Thursday night and ran outside on Tuesday night with Lena.  It was my first run with her so I wasn't quite sure how it was going to go, but she did really well.  She only tried to kill me twice by bolting in front of me.  It was only 2.5 miles, but it was my fastest non-treadmill pace at that distance, so I was pretty excited about that.  After my run, I got cleaned up and then James and I headed out on a date night and went for a 2.7 mile walk around Como Park and then had dinner at Punch Pizza.  According to my heart rate monitor, I burned more calories on our walk than on my run, which is interesting, but I think it was because I was in an anaerobic zone for most of my run. Tomorrow is a long run day, 11 miles on the plan, I hope the weather cooperates!

Even with all the good things going on, I've been feeling pretty sad and vacant lately, kind of like I'm just walking around in a fog most of the time.  Last night, all I wanted was a chocolate chip cookie from McDonald's.  James had to take Lena to the vet and I asked him to pick some up on the way home.  Luckily, the drive thru line was too long so they came home without the cookies.  I knew I didn't actually "need" a cookie, but that was how I felt and I hate that I feel that way.  I over analyze pretty much every thought and feeling that I have, and the simple fact that I even craved a cookie left me feeling extremely depressed and I ended up just going to bed after the kids were in bed.   

I don't want to feel like a cookie, or any other food, is going to make me happy.  I know it isn't.  I don't want to yell at my kiddos when they are just doing things that kiddos their age do, but I do.  I don't want to focus on my imperfections, but they constantly cloud my thoughts.  

I want God to be enough. I know that he is.  It kills me to not be able to find the joy that I know I should have in Him.  It is really hard as a Christian to even admit that I have a difficult time finding joy because it feels like I am doing something wrong.  I must not be spending enough time in The Word.  I must not spend enough time praying.  I must be spiritually immature.  Everything I've read about finding joy says to do all of the things I'm already doing, but still, it doesn't work.  How can I love God, know that he loves me and still feel so empty?  

As I'm asking myself this, the painful reality hit me.  As much as I want to believe and tell myself that I don't still battle with depression, it becomes painfully clear to me that I do.  And I hate that.

I think, somehow, my body reacted differently than most women's do to the hormones that come along with pregnancy and breastfeeding.  Instead of hanging on to pregnancy weight gain, mine came off quickly.  Instead of post partum depression, I, for the most part, felt better than usual.  I have struggled with depression since I was 10.  I've had many visits with psychologists and took anti-depressants off and on during my 20's.  I really wanted that chapter of my life to just be done with and hoped that the last six years or so  meant that I had turned the corner, but I think I was wrong.....and it sucks.

So I've been trying to process the painful truth about my brain and how it just doesn't like to function like most people's.  I wish it did, life would be much easier.  

So today I write this for anyone else out there who also struggles.  It is possible to be a Christian, to know, love and serve a God who loves us more than we'll ever fully comprehend and yet still struggle with depression and anxiety.  It is taboo, no one wants to talk about it.  But if I can at least let one other person out there know that they aren't alone, then I'll happily throw my struggles out there for the world to see.  Relevant magazine had an article about this recently - you can check it out here

There are moments where God's love breaks through and I feel whole, but it doesn't seem to last.  Moments like tonight at church where I just stood and cried, with my lips trembling too hard to form the words that everyone else was singing  

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.  And oh, how He loves us oh, oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all (How He Loves - David Crowder Band)

I needed that song tonight.  It reminded me that even though I don't always feel His love, He is fighting for me and will do whatever it takes to make sure I know it.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.  Exodus 14:14 (ESV)

 
       

The Same Spirit

Today was a REALLY rough day for me in the eating department.  I polished off an entire loaf of Cub's Cinnamon Swirl Bread all by myself throughout the day.....who does that?  Apparently a very stressed Tammy does.  It wasn't even that good....very sad.

I'm not typically a "binger", I just tend to eat much more than I should, but today I just could not stop myself.  I kept telling myself I was done and then I'd reach for another piece and then all the feelings of shame and disgust followed.

I am emotionally and physically spent this week and I tend to revert back to my "old ways" when that happens.  My middle son was up most of the night on Monday throwing up, my youngest decided Tuesday and Wednesday night that screaming in the middle of the night is SUPER fun and both of them have been waking up at 5:00am.  We try to get them back to sleep, but it rarely happens.  I have to get all three of them and myself out the door by 7am three days a week and every other Sunday. So when two of them get up before I do and I start my day out with whining, fighting and crying, I have a difficult time keeping a positive attitude.  Today was one of those days.

It was followed up with a phone call from my husband at 9:00 or so saying he was coming home sick from work.  Then, as I was on my way to pick up Rage for his OT appointment, I got a text from our daycare provider that he was throwing up (again!).  That was the breaking point for me.  We've been dealing with colds, ear infections, diarrhea, puke, croup and sinus infections pretty much non stop since December and I've had my fill.  We haven't all been healthy for quite some time and I'm so ready for this to be over. 

As I was in the middle of my major meltdown, I read the Caring Bridge site for the daughter of a couple we used to be in a small group with and I was quickly reminded how extremely small my so-called problems are.  Other than one extra night in the NICU for my daughter after I was discharged, we've never had to spend the night in a hospital with any of our children and that is a major blessing.  Although the constant stream of viruses has been annoying, it is nothing compared to what so many people with kids suffering from life-altering diagnoses go through.  I was quickly brought back to a place of thankfulness and peace. 

I watched the last message in the Altar Ego series from LifeChurch.tv as I was on the treadmill tonight and it was quite timely.  The message was called "My Longing for Approval" and it was just what I needed to hear.  Although I am internally motivated to achieve goals in my life, I have always struggled greatly in needing the approval of others in my words, thoughts and actions.  Basically, I try way to hard to not offend people and make everyone like me.  I can spend hours trying to carefully construct once sentence of an e-mail to make sure I get my point across but don't leave anyone feeling hurt.  I've avoid confrontation and difficult conversations like the plague...but in the end, this doesn't actually help anyone.

One of the verses that Craig Groeschel quoted in his message was Romans 8:11, "If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you." (ESV)

I started to think about just how completely crazy and amazing it is that the same Spirit that lives in me raised Jesus from the dead.  It is one of those things that although I know and have heard many times before, never really clicked like it did for me today.  How awesome is that?  I've just been feeling so defeated with life lately that I needed the reminder that I have absolutely nothing to worry about because if the Spirit of God could raise Jesus from the dead, then surely that same Spirit can help me overcome whatever hurdles I may meet....just as long as I remember to invite it into my daily life. 

When I started this journey I was praying daily for God to fill me with the Spirit so that I could be sustained throughout my day and do whatever His will was for me that day.  Somewhere along the way I stopped praying that and it has been very noticeable.  It is amazing how quickly I can lose focus when life starts to get complicated.

I love what it says at the end of Romans 8
 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, "For your sake, we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35-39 (ESV)
 

We are more than conquerors through HIM who loved us.  There is so much hope in that.   So even though my day wasn't that great, I'm choosing to end it trusting in his truth.  Nothing will separate me (or you!) from the love of God.  Not another puking kid.  Not an entire loaf of Cinnamon Swirl Bread.  Not a number on the scale.  NOTHING.  Plain and simple.  His love is available for everyone, you can never be too far, too dirty, too broken, he will be there with arms full of love waiting to swallow you up.

If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking....