So long, 2013, Bring it On, 2014

2013 was a decent year, but the last couple of months have left me a bit excited to see it go.

It is quite silly, really, how a different number on the calendar can have such an impact on a fresh start.  I'm ok with silly, because I need a fresh start.

Looking back and remembering the good is so hard when your vision is clouded with the things you wish went differently.  So today, I'm forcing myself to remember the good.

2013 Favorites

1) Completed two half-marathons

 

2) Ran 575.1 miles, a 92% increase from the previous year 

3) Lost 30 pounds, not as much as I wanted, but still progress

4) You guys helped me raise $1,310 to provide clean water for 26 kiddos!

 

5) Invited to attend an IT Leadership Training program that starts in February

6) Survived one entire year with a dog and three kids

7) Read great books that challenged my thinking on God, discipleship and the church

8) James and I had many great date nights and continue to work on improving our life together

9) Made a couple of new friends and am starting to learn how to do this whole "community" thing

10) Understanding who I am, why God made me that way and what HE wants to do with my life

"Opportunities" for 2014

Perfect Peace

The end of 2013 was marked by an extremely unhealthy amount of stress, a slide back into depression and overwhelming anxiety.  My main priority for 2014, for my health and the health of my family, is to get this under control.  When I feel the way I have been feeling lately, it is hard to focus on anything other than how I've been wronged and what I need to feel better.  That isn't a great place to be when you are trying to raise three kiddos and love a husband.  I've been stuck in a dark tunnel in my head for the past couple of months and I see the light at the end, I just need to keep focusing on it and get there.

 

And he said to his disciples,  “Therefore I tell you,  do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on.    For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.    Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them.  Of how much more value are you than the birds!    And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?    If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest?    Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you,  even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.    But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you,  O you of little faith!    And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor  be worried.    For  all the nations of the world seek after these things, and  your Father knows that you need them.    Instead,  seek  his kingdom,  and these things will be added to you. Luke 12: 22-31, ESV

 

Write

I have slowly started to accept that God has given me the gift of writing and I need to start using it more.  It has always been there, I've just never been confident enough in it to do anything with it until I started this blog.  I used to write short stories when I was an adolescent and poems and songs during my teenage/young adult years.  Writing has always been therapy for me, but I had never viewed it as anything more than that until others started telling me that I had a gift.  I have A LOT of words and thoughts that still don't make it out of my head and I feel like he wants them to.  I'm hoping to start a second blog that will be focused more on my thoughts, questions and interpretations of the Bible on things like the church and discipleship.  I wanted to call it "By Faith" after reading Hebrews 11 last week, but someone already has that, so I'm back to the drawing board. Like I mentioned earlier, writing is therapeutic for me and I haven't taken much time to do it lately and God has been telling me that I need to make it a priority.

 

Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity,  and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us. Titus 2:7-8, ESV

Food

I could really just leave it at that, but I'll expound.  When I get depressed and stressed, really bad things happen to my appetite and body.  I gained a significant amount of weight last time I was going through a particularly stressful time in life and I can see those habits coming back.  I do not want a repeat of that and I am going to be doing my best to work this out with God and get some control here.  I've been focusing so much on exercise and being active, now I need to really start to get control on how I'm fueling my body.

 

Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.  Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 3:12-14, ESV

Obedience

I'm excited to see what God has planned for 2014.  He is continually taking me out of my comfort zone and into new territory and although it scares the crap out of me, by faith, I will be following him.  I'm starting to understand what it means to die to myself and for this control freak, it is going to be a constant struggle, but one that I'm looking forward to.

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.  For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Galatians 5:13-14, ESV

There are so many opportunities for improvement in my life, but I'm narrowing the focus to these four so that I can actually make some progress.  If I try to accomplish too many things, transformation won't happen, especially in the stress area.  

I'm looking forward to 2014.  I'll be kicking it off the same way I did last year.  In bed early this evening for an early rise tomorrow to do the Polar Dash 10K.  I have no expectations or goals.  Sure, I'd love to beat my previous 10K race time of 1:24:20, (a goal I thought was very attainable back in October before having to take a few weeks off to get my heart situation figured out), but that isn't looking very realistic based on my training runs, so rather than be disappointed, I'm going in with no expectations at all.  Hopefully, despite the cold, it will be fun and I'll have a great race, but if I don't, I'm still starting 2014 off on the right foot.  

So have a safe New Year's Eve!  I wish you many blessings in 2014. 

I was going through all of the songs on our computer the other day and came across this one, it is from 2009, and I forgot how much I loved it.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

The Space in Between

I keep putting off writing. 

Not because I don't have anything to say.  Not because I haven't had the time.  Not because I haven't had the urge. 

Quite frankly, it is because I have been too stressed and exhausted.  Doing anything outside of eating and sleeping seems to be on par with running a marathon....I simply haven't had the energy. (By the way, to catch you up, after a Echo, Stress Test and Coronary CT, I got the clear to run again, my heart is fine....well, physically at least.)

Life has been going along swimmingly the past few years.  Yes, I've had crappy weeks here and there when things were a bit more gloomy than usual, but I always seemed to get through them pretty quickly.

But this time, this time has been different.  I can pinpoint the day that it all kind of came crumbling down, (Saturday, November 2nd) the day I realized that I couldn't ignore a prompting that God had been whispering to me for the past couple of years.  My heart finally caught up to the place that He has been preparing it for....my head, that seems to be taking a little bit longer.  

The difficult thing is that the place he has been asking me to go isn't just about going.  It is never that simple.  To go someplace new requires that you leave where you are, and, for a time, requires you to be someplace in between.  It is this space in between where things get uncomfortable, where we are pushed beyond our strengths and forced to lean on His.  It is the space in between where we grow. 

The truth is, sometimes when we follow God's plan, sometimes when we do exactly what he asks us to do, it can be lonely, it can be hard and it can be painful.  The space in between where we are and where God calls us to be is filled with tears, pain, prayer and a whole lot of faith.

The most confusing thing about feeling this way is that I have never in my life felt so connected with God.  I have no doubts, whatsoever, in my heart, that I'm doing exactly what he wants me to be doing, but yet, I am struggling.   

I think, sometimes, as Christians, there is this assumption that if you have enough faith, that if you do all the "right" things, you won't have any struggles.  I think, sometimes, this belief is enforced by teachings in the church.  We frequently get formulas for success.  We get directions for the steps you need to take to have a "good" life.  Sure, they always include saying "Yes" to Jesus, but that part always seems so small.  Sometimes I wonder if we're actually trying to get after Jesus' heart, or if we're just looking for all the good things that come with it.  

I spent so much of my life stuck in that place.  Get rid of all your debt, and then you will be able to live the life that God wants you to live.  Don't live together or sleep together before you are married and you will have a great marriage.  Do X, so that Y.  Sounds great, right?  Except that it isn't that easy and it doesn't always work that way.  When it doesn't, it can create a whole lot of bondage and guilt if it is too late for X.  It can also create a lot of pride when we take credit for our greatness instead of giving the credit to God. 

The truth is, none of us can ever do anything good enough to make up for the sinful things that we do.  The minute we start to take credit for the good in our lives is the minute we loose sight of the grace that has been poured out for us, grace that was given to us, that we did and can do NOTHING to earn.  

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,  not a result of works, so that no one may boast.  For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:8-10

God has been pounding this into my head lately, trying to get me to understand it.  He has been urging me to let go of the guilt and shame.  To get rid of the expectations that the world has set for a "good" life.  Managing behavior doesn't bring freedom, God desires so much more for us than to simply make wise choices.  God desires for us to be fully known, he knows and wants us to share the good, bad and ugly.  When we are fully known and yet delighted in by the one who created us, we can come to a very beautiful place.  (If this is at all a struggle for you, I so strongly recommend checking out the Recovering Redemption series by The Village Church.  It is a long series, but so well done, I found a lot of healing and freedom in it.)     

As I've been studying the book of Nehemiah with my small group, I have been praying for God to help show me what he has made me for, what specifically He has broken my heart for.  I have a very tender heart and my heart breaks for a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons, so it is easy for me to loose focus.  However, God has been so clearly refining this for me.  He has made it so clear to me lately that my heart breaks the most for people who struggle with mental health issues and/or addiction.  I think the church is easy to dismiss so many of these people as too broken, too unhealthy and too imperfect to be part of the body of Christ.  There is some belief that a person couldn't possibly struggle with these kinds of things if they loved Jesus enough.  So instead of walking beside them, loving them in spite of and because of their struggles, we shove them out the door and wait for them to figure it out on their own.

I believe so much that God uses our struggles to help heal someone else going through the same things, and this area has always been a struggle for me and for many people I love.  I visited my dad in the behavioral health unit of the hospital when I was 8.  I watched my mom go through many dark times when she couldn't even get out of bed.  I lived with crippling anxiety and depression in my teenage years through mid 20's which lead to some horrible choices regarding the "men" I dated the complete lack of self worth that I had.  When I look back, it is so completely obvious that God had his hand of protection on my life.  I never gave up my search for him and he never gave up calling for me, it just took me a little bit longer to find my way into HIS arms than it takes some other people and I stumbled a lot along the way.  Now I want to show others the grace that He showed me, I want to be there to build others up as they struggle.

Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,  from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. Ephesians 4:15-16

There is a church, just a few blocks from our house, that we have passed by every time we have gone to the church we have called home for the last 8 years.  A church that is in our physical community, but, where we know no one.  A church who's goal is "to tear down walls between social classes, genders, races, and most of all, between people and their Creator and Savior, Jesus Christ."  A church that James and I have both felt God calling us to for quite some time, but have chosen to ignore because it would mean leaving a church filled with people that we love.

So we find ourselves in that space in between.  Where we have decided to leave so many people that we love, and a mission that is VERY important, to go someplace that God has asked us to go, to be a little bit more of who he made us to be and for that to be ok.

As we watch and see what he is doing here, I would appreciate all of your prayers.  As settled as I feel in our decision, it has been a very lonely place to be.  I pray so much that we would be able to keep relationships that we have formed over the years and that we would be able to cheer each other on, knowing, understanding and celebrating that we are all ONE body.

As I think about being in this place, I can't help but think about this season of Advent, where we do find ourselves in between the birth of Christ and His second coming.  As we wait expectantly, we wait with hope for the day where we can be reunited with Him.  I was remind of the word, Sehnsucht, this weekend.  This is a word that C.S. Lewis used frequently and describes it as the "inconsolable longing" in the human heart for "we know not what."  So during this season, I will wait in this space in between and find my hope in the promise of the future.

But, as it is written,  “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”— (1 Corinthians 2:9)

 

A little game I like to call, "Stump the Cardiologist"

Well, hello there.

It has been quite some time since I've written.  It isn't that I haven't had anything to write about, it is that I've had far too much to write about.  I have had so many thoughts of things that I'd love to get out, but don't feel like I have the right words for yet.  I could put them out there, but I feel like I am supposed to take my time with them, so hopefully soon I'll be doing a series of three posts that will explain where my head and heart have been for the last month. 

November has been rough for me emotionally.  God has been doing a big work in my heart and I feel like he has been showing me lately what I have been called to do.  It is terrifying and exciting all at the same time.  One thing is for certain, I've never felt so close or in tune with God as I do right now and yet I'm struggling to get through each day because I am emotionally exhausted from the places he has been taking my heart and mind.

But we'll come back to all of that another day.  

Today will just be a few random updates.

With the above mentioned emotional struggles and a big old pile of financial fun times (major car repairs, a new furnace and a dog being spayed all in the same two week period), I've been turning to food for comfort a whole lot more frequently than I would like to.  I haven't given up, but things aren't at all where I'd like them to be right now.

On November 8th, while I was at work, I noticed in the afternoon that every time I took a breath, it was really painful near the bottom of my ribs on the right side of my back.  I've had issues with my gallbladder in the past and since that lives in that general region, I'm always a little bit hyper aware of anything strange going on in that area.  As the day went on, it didn't get better, it just continued to get worse.  I went home after work and after being home for a couple of hours, I decided that I probably needed to go to Urgent Care. Urgent care sent me to the ER because they weren't able to rule out gallbladder issues with the equipment they had available.  So I headed to the ED and went through an ultrasound, lab work and an x-ray, only to have them tell me that they have no idea what is wrong with me.  They sent me home though the pain persisted and I was told to rest and call back if I developed any other symptoms.

The pain continued through that evening and the next day (Saturday).  Late Saturday afternoon I spiked a fever so I went to sleep fairly early and woke up the next morning completely soaked in sweat, but the pain was gone.  "They" figure it was a slight case of pleurisy caused by a virus, but it seemed to be done and over by Sunday evening and I was feeling good to go and resume life as usual on Monday.  

I ran on the treadmill on Monday evening and about five minutes into my run, I started to have a pretty bad pain right over my heart and I decided to stop running because it was probably too much too soon after being sick.  I decided to rest a few more days and then tried again on Thursday and the same thing happened, so I took a little walk break and then started again and after doing that a few times, the pain in my chest went away.  I was hoping it just meant I needed to re-condition my body to running after taking a few days off, however, every time I've tried to run since then, the exact same thing has happened.  Last Wednesday evening, no matter how many times I stopped and started, the pain would return and I finally decided that feeling like your heart is going to tear open is probably not a great thing to push through and I decided to make a doctor's appointment

I saw an NP on Friday because my regular physician was out and she was great.  She was very thorough and very focused on getting me some kind of an answer so that I wasn't afraid to run anymore.  They ran an EKG on Friday and everything looked great there.  The results showed a sinus bradycardia, but apparently that just means I am "well conditioned", otherwise, everything else looked fine.  However, she wanted to be cautious and referred me to a cardiologist to be seen in 1-3 days.  

U of M Heart Physicians were able to get me in today and they were phenomenal!  Everyone in their clinic was extremely kind and caring.  They all kept telling me they don't see many otherwise healthy 32 year olds in there very often.  I had another EKG today, which was also normal, and after discussing my symptoms, medical history and my family history, the cardiologist had no great answer for the pain I have been experiencing.  However, he wasn't alright with assuming that everything was fine and sending me away with no answers because my symptoms were concerning.  Since my dad has a defect in his heart and had open heart surgery to correct it about 10 years ago, the doctor decided to keep looking for answers.  So on Wednesday, I'll be spending a majority of my day at the hospital having an Echocardiogram and a nuclear stress test.  I am hopeful that everything will be normal, but it will be very nice to have some peace of mind and reassurance that I won't drop dead on the treadmill if I push through it.  

So with being sick, extra emotional and financial stress and feeling like my heart is going to burst open when I'm running, I've gained back about 10 pounds from my lowest point.  I'm not completely freaking out about it, but I am disappointed.  I am hoping that after Wednesday, I'll feel more confident in running and be able to find a groove again sometime soon.

Maybe while I'm waiting around on Wednesday, I'll get the chance to update on the other things God has been doing in my life.  

The Great Unknown

Last week was draining in every way possible for me.  It wasn't all bad, it wasn't all good, just a lot going on and I am tired.  We are finally done with all of the 5 year old birthday celebrations and life can return back to somewhat of a normal state.

I signed up for the Polar Dash 10K and was supposed to start training for that today, but I was on off-hours support for work tonight and got paged both times I was about to head downstairs to the treadmill.  I could push myself and still get it done tonight, but I honestly think I just need to take a break. 

I ran twice last week and made it to the gym once for a workout.  Not great at all and I am feeling it.  I'm finally starting to feel better, so I'm hoping to get back into a normal routine again soon now that I have a new race to train for.  I hope to find a way to keep running without having to sign up for races.  It isn't that I'm not motivated, it is just that I have no idea what to do.  One of my friends mentioned that someone they know just sets an overall mileage goal for a certain time frame, so I think I might consider that and give it a whirl after the Polar Dash.  I just know I'm going to need something to push me through the holidays and wanted to support my husband who has signed up for the 5K.  I'm really really proud of him and hope that it goes well for him.  He has inspired many others to run it as well.  It is fun to see all of the support.  

Saturday evening was one of the times that I ran this past week.  I was emotionally, mentally and physically drained after a long day of training at church and preparing for Rory's family birthday party, but I decided to do 3 miles at 10pm.  I was processing some things mentally and decided to push myself pretty hard and ended up running my fastest 5K on the treadmill so far.  My average pace was about 10:56...I've never seen anything below an 11:30 before.  I was pretty excited about that.  I've always known, but it is absolutely being reinforced, just how completely mental running is.  My body is capable of so much more than I allow it to do.

When I was done running, I attempted to do some burpees with pushups as part of the Women's Running Community November Lower Body Challenge.  Sometimes, an attempt at doing a burpee-pushup ends up with me face down on the cold basement floor, covered in sweat with tears pouring out of my eyes, completely crying out to God.  It sounds pretty horrible and I'm sure it looked pretty horrible too, but it was actually a really powerful time of worship and prayer for me.  I totally didn't care about the failed attempt at trying something new or the fact that I'm pretty sure I seriously injured my shoulder (slightly more concerned about that now).

I felt a clarity that I needed to feel about something that I have been wrestling with for quite some time.  For the past few months, I have been praying for God to use me and all of my past experiences in a way where I would feel like I was making an impact.  He has been whispering hints here and there for me to step up and reach out to someone and I have been ignoring him.  However, an opportunity has come up where I needed to finally take the step and trust him completely with the details.  I am scared.  I feel completely inadequate to be doing what I have offered to do, but I am completely trusting him with the details.  I can't and probably won't share too much about this because it isn't mine to share, but I would appreciate any and all prayers for strength, wisdom and peace as I step into the water and take his lead on this.  

Just like I need a training plan for running, I need uncomfortable life situations to keep me pouring over God's word for answers and turning to him in prayer.  Some day I will understand the benefits of doing both of these things all on my own....but until then, I'll welcome the challenges.  

More than Conquerors

Five years ago today, I heard the most terrifying words that have ever been spoken to me.  I was at my 40 week, 4 day prenatal appointment, pregnant with my first child.  The appointment was with a doctor who I had never seen before.  The only thing I remember about the appointment was her saying to me "No matter how this baby comes out, it is going to be dangerous due to your weight."  I didn't like her very much. 

On the list of things you should never say to a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant, this is somewhere near the top.

For the last nine months I'd been going to all my appointments, passing every single test with flying colors.  My pregnancy had been completely uncomplicated.  No one had ever cautioned me about this detail until this point.  It devastated me.

It is a good thing James was with me because I was nearly inconsolable.  I had planned on going to work after my appointment, but with those words, I called my boss and told her I just couldn't handle coming in anymore.  We went to cast our absentee ballots for the 2008 presidential election and picked up some pumpkins to carve.  We got back home and I spent the rest of the day on the couch watching Gilmore Girls and James headed to work later that afternoon.

Around 6:00pm, I got a call from James telling me not to go into labor that night because he didn't feel well.  I called him shortly afterwards to tell him I was sorry, but I was pretty sure we would be heading to the hospital that night.

The next 24 hours were by far the most painful and difficult 24 hours I've ever endured.  A planned natural labor quickly changed course with the first few waves of back labor (which we later found out was due to a large sunny side up baby).  I have never felt more helpless in my life.  I HATED relying on people helping me move from side to side, especially when I knew how much weight they were moving around.  I was ashamed.  It should have been the most beautiful experience in the world, but all I could think about was how much pain I was in and how big I was.  That doctor I mentioned....she just happened to be the doctor on call the evening I delivered, it was most definitely a trick.  The only treat on October 31, 2008 was my beautiful, 9lb 8oz baby GIRL with the most wonderful head of hair.  I didn't get to spend much time with her before they whisked her away to the NICU due to chorioamnionitis (which could have been prevented if my lovely clinic had more than one doctor covering two hospitals), but I was instantly in love with my Aurelia Marcille. 

The delivery and first couple of days after having my wonderful daughter who will celebrate 5 years of life tomorrow were pivotal in my life.  I knew that if I was going to be the mother that she needed and deserved, if I was going to have any part of changing history and ensuring that she wouldn't endure the same name calling and body image issues, I needed to make a big change.  Big changes are hard to make when you have a newborn and find yourself pregnant again 4 months after giving birth, but I didn't give up.  I was bound and determined to be better than I was.  

It has taken five years, and it will probably take one or two more, but I am making progress.  I am becoming a mom that these three kiddos can look up to and learn from.  I am a mom that they see running and finishing half marathons even if it is hard and even if I am slow.  They see work being done and they have taken notice. 

I never knew that becoming a mom would have changed me so much.  I never knew that having three small children would give me the motivation I needed to win a battle that I'd been fighting my entire life.  I never expected that I'd start to love myself when I had three other little people to love non-stop. 

I'm thankful for the words that once terrified me, they have now turned into words that will keep me fighting for my health forever.  To that doctor, I was simply an obese woman waiting to have a baby, and for a while, I believed that.  With God's help, I have learned that I am so much more.  I have accomplished things that I never thought were possible through his strength and mercy.  

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:37-39, ESV

If you are struggling with something and think you can't possibly conquer it on your own, I urge you to turn to the one who made you, the one who makes all things possible, the one who defeated death.  NOTHING you have done or will do could ever prevent him from loving you.  He has victory over all things and he is living inside of you...you just need to ask him for help.  His timing might not match yours, but His is always better than you could ever imagine.  

 

They just let you walk out the door...

 

 1st Birthday

 

2nd Birthday

 

 3rd Birthday

 



 4th Birthday

 

Almost 5th Birthday

2013 Monster Dash Race Report

If you are friends with me on Facebook, you know that yesterday didn't go as well as I had hoped.  It was a really rough race for me, mentally and physically.  My goal of finishing under 3:00 didn't happen, I came in at 3:03:41 (my first half was 3:01:20).

Yes, I finished.  Yes, I ran with an amazing team and helped raise money for 26 people.  Yes, I ran while I was fighting a cold.  Yes, I am still frustrated and a little bit sad.....and if I have learned anything while working with our therapist over the past couple of months, it is that I am allowed to feel the way I feel, even if it isn't the way I "should" be feeling.

When you train hard for 12 whole weeks and put in the work to improve your time and then everything your body knew about running seems to completely vanish at the start of the race, it is a hard thing to accept.

I was prepared, but for whatever reason, it just wasn't my day.  

I don't know if it was the Sudafed I had to take just so I could breathe out of my nose, the fact that I was fighting a cold, or that my head just couldn't seem to get in it yesterday, but it was rough.

Around 6:45am I headed downtown to park and walk to the Cathedral for our Team World Vision (TWV from here on out) picture.  I was really thankful when I realized that I was pulling into the parking garage right behind a friend and fellow TWV runner.  We walked the .6 miles to the Cathedral and found a place to hang out hidden from the wind and watched the sun come up over St. Paul from the steps of the Cathedral, it was a great way to start the morning.  Members from TWV slowly started gathering and eventually there was a whole lot of orange on the steps.  We lined up for a picture followed by a pep talk and rally clap.  I LOVED being part of this team - it was an honor to run with people who run for a reason. 

Here is the entire TWV group

After the picture, we still had quite a bit of time to kill before the race.  I saw some of my fellow White Bear Lake Campus team members and chatted with them for a bit before heading to the bathroom and bag drop and eventually into the starting chute to start mentally preparing myself.

I found the 3:00 pacer and planned to stick by him for the first half of the race.  8:30 finally came and I was ready to go, but there were issues with the timing mat so the start was slightly delayed and we didn't get going until 8:45.  I WAS FREEZING!  I should have waited a little bit before dropping my jacket or worn more layers that I could shed because I never warmed up. 

As we crossed the starting line, I tried to keep the pacer in sight.  I was being so intentional about staring slowly and felt like I was doing a pretty decent job since I was staying with the pacer and I was also behind a woman that I remember following for most of the Minneapolis Half Marathon (she has a very distinct stride so I remembered her immediately).  We hit the 1 mile mark and I glanced at my watch and my pace was around 12:30, which was faster than I wanted to be at that point.  I thought I slowed myself down, but we got to mile 2 and I was still right around the same pace.  2 miles in I already had to pee and I was really thirsty and I started to feel a little bit dizzy, I checked my heart rate and it read 208 (my average for long runs has been in the 147-157 range)....I knew then that this was going to be rough.  I'm blaming the Sudafed for all of it. 

I grabbed some water at mile 3 and contemplated stopping to use the bathroom but the line was really long and I didn't want to wait, I decided to keep going and hoped that the crowd would be thinned out a bit by the next stop and I wouldn't have to wait as long.  We headed to mile 5 and the down hill portion was underway, I should have been feeling good, but still had to pee and it was all I could think about.  There was another water stop and restrooms at mile 5...again, the line was REALLY long and I didn't want to wait so I kept going.  It was at this point that my lungs started to burn and my calves started to cramp.  I have never cramped while running before.  I slowed it down a bit and kept running, knowing that James and the kiddos were going to be waiting around mile 6.  I spotted them from pretty far behind and fought back the tears as I got closer.  I gave some high five's to my sister and her husband and gave the kids a hug and told James through tears as I left, "I started too fast, pray".  He gave me an assuring, "you'll be fine" and I continued on my way.

I made it to around mile 6.25 before I completely hit the infamous wall.  I stopped to take a brief walking break because I started to feel like I was going to puke and was still feeling really dizzy.  There was a water/potty stop around mile 6.5 and I finally decided to stop because the line wasn't as bad as they had been and I needed to refuel.  I had a few of my Honey Stinger Chews while I waited in line and I watched the minutes go by on my watch while the line didn't move.  After waiting for four minutes with very little progress in the line, I decided to just keep going and stop at the next one.

The next 6.6 miles were filled with tears, frustration and defeat, but there were still some moments of beauty where God decided to remind me that he was still with me even though I felt as though I had entered some layer of hell.  I am quite certain that if I hadn't been running this race for a bigger purpose and as part of a team, I would have called it quits somewhere along the way.  Around mile 7.5 a man in a clown wig came up next to me and started talking, I pulled out my ear buds so I could hear him and realized he was talking about my orange shoelaces (the reward for raising $500 for TWV) and how great they were.  I glanced at his feet and realized that he also had them.  He didn't have a jersey on, but this guy was on my team.  He gave me a few more words of comfort and wisdom, told me to have a great race and was on his way.  I put my ear buds back in and Whom Shall I Fear (God of Angel Armies) was on.  I immediately knew that God had orchestrated that moment.  I knew that all across the course, there were runners before me and runners behind me that were all part of God's army, maybe not angels, but all there for the same purpose.  My path was filled with love and grace, no matter how horrible it got for me. 

He gave me the strength I needed to keep going and I finally made it to a bathroom with only 4 people in line at mile 9.5 and decided to stop.  Another TWV member joined me and we chatted for a while, trying to offer each other encouragement when it was obvious that we were both completely drained.  I did my business and headed on my way after offering some parting encouragement for my fellow TWV runner.  The 10 mile finish line was really tempting and I contemplated just calling it quits there, but ultimately decided to keep going.  I had run a couple of training runs on the last stretch of the race so I was familiar with what was ahead of me and knew I could do it.  Every time I passed a mile marker sign I checked my watch to try and figure out what I would have to do to meet my goal and every time I looked, my sub 3:00 time slipped further and further from my grasp. 

I tore out my ear buds around mile 11 when I realized that my music seemed to frustrate me more than it was helping me.  I wasn't able to focus and I knew that if I was going to finish this thing, I needed to spend the rest of the race in prayer.  Seeing the mile 13 mark and the finish line was the most beloved vision I have ever seen in my life.  I gave everything I had over that last .1 mile and finally made it across the finish line with my husband and two kids watching and cheering me on.  

I walked over to the barrier and waited for my family to join me.  I got a ton of hugs, those warm little bodies felt so nice on my freezing cold legs.  

 

James knew instantly that I wasn't happy with this and tried to offer me many words of encouragement.  I wasn't having any of it.  He was illegally parked and needed to get back to his car quickly, so after we snapped some pictures, I told them to head home because I was just going to grab my stuff and head home. 

I got my coat, headed to the TWV tent to get some food since they were out of the post-race food bags and grabbed half a sandwich and headed back to my car.  The minute I got in and shut the door I started sobbing.  I cried most of the way home.  I knew that the minute I walked in the door I'd be greeted with excitement and congratulations from my mom and mother in law, and I just wasn't ready to receive it.  I did my best to try and be appreciative of their praise but I know I wasn't very good at it.  I quickly rushed into the bathroom and got into the hottest shower I have taken in a very long time.  It was cleansing in many ways.

I finished getting cleaned up and James headed out to get me an Ultimate Porker from Jimmy John's....it always seems to be my post-race meal of choice.

After eating and sitting around for a while, I realized that I needed to get Rory to a birthday party soon, so it was time to get moving again.  It was nice to just watch a bunch of 5 year olds having the time of their lives at Sky Zone and not really have to think about anything.  I had a nice chat with one of my friends who also had a daughter there and started to feel better.

After the party we headed to church.  Worship was wonderful and the message was great.  I got a lot of great hugs and left feeling pretty much back to normal.

I have had so many people offering so many extremely kind and encouraging words about my race and they mean so much to me.  It is nice to feel so much love from people during a time when I really needed it. 

I hope that some day I will start setting reasonable expectations and start offering some of the grace that I offer others so freely to myself.  I could really use some prayers to get there.  This has been my struggle for my entire life.  I never seem to be good enough for me.  If anyone has any book recommendations for working through this, please send them my way!

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what my future with running will look like.  After the race yesterday, I kind of just wanted to stop forever.  I told myself that I will never be "good enough" and I might as well stop trying.  This evening I started thinking that I kind of want to tackle that course on my own as soon as I'm healthy and see what I can do.  I just feel like I need a do-over.

I'm kind of all over the spectrum in my head right now and I'm not quite sure what I want to do.  Do I keep running and just cut back on distance for a while and try to work on pace?  Do I stop running completely until I reach my goal weight and then pick it back up again?  Do I do the unthinkable and sign up for the Polar Dash 14 Miler?  Am I trying to get healthy or be a distance runner, can they exist together in my life?   

I know that I definitely need to do some more work with my thinking and in my head.  I am obviously still struggling with a highly distorted view of my own self-worth.  I still have a really hard time finding joy and spend far too much time disappointed in myself.  I don't know how much of this is just part of who I am and how much of it can be changed with time and that kind of scares me.  I am who I am because I set high expectations for myself and push myself to goals, but I also am who I am because I can never stop being critical of myself. 

I saw this picture on another blog the other day

It completely resonated with me.  Since I never knew anything other than being overweight, I thought that losing the weight would solve a lot of the issues I have with myself.....only it hasn't.  I still have weight to lose, but I know now that it isn't going to matter what I look like on the outside or how healthy I am, I need to fix something in my head before I ever call this process complete.

  

Quick race eve post

I am on my Nook, so this will be brief.

My fundraising goal was reached today, but you can still give if you haven't yet.  I cried a little bit when I found out that I made it, God is faithful.

If you are the praying type, please pray for the following:
- for all Team World Vision runners to have a great race and remember why they are running
- for my health, I am still fighting a cold and it moved into my chest yesterday
- for my left foot and knee, both have been bothering me now that it is colder

I am looking forward to running tomorrow and hope to have a great race report!

Go

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to write about yet, I'm just happy to be sitting down and having a little bit of time to myself that doesn't involve putting one foot in front of the other.  I had so many really great ideas for blogging during the week and then just never got the chance to sit down and write and they have all escaped me for the moment, so we'll see what this ends up being....

All of the males in our house had some form of crud this week.  Yesterday was the first day where everyone felt well enough to venture outside.  I took the day off of work and we headed up to William O'Brien State Park so that the kiddos could explore nature without paved roads and trails.  I've had a strong desire to just get deep into the woods lately, so we did our best to do that yesterday.  The weather was gorgeous and we had a great time.  I spent so much time outside when I was a kid.  When I think back on my childhood, pretty much everything that stands out to me was time spent outside, in a field, in the woods or by a lake.  I just can't get enough of it so I am always thrilled when we have the chance to get out as a family and explore.

Here are a few pictures from our "adventure" (everything is an adventure when it involves 2, 3 and 4 year old children and a not quite 1 year old golden retriever)

Rory sporting her new coat and pants from Saver's....I love that place

 He makes the best faces

 Checking out a beaver dam (Go Beavers!)

This was completely unprompted, she just loves trees

 He had to take it a step farther

 Beauty

 Waiting on the boys

 The best family selfie we could muster, Oskar was not a fan

 

We had better luck last Sunday when we explored at Battle Creek

 

 

It was a fun day, but I was exhausted when we got home.  I ran 5 miles on the treadmill Thursday night at 10pm because I didn't want to miss another training run.  I was really dreading it, but I eeked out my best 5 mile time so far.  It was a nice reward for staying dedicated to my training plan even though it would have been easier to go to sleep.

 

This morning I had 11.5 miles on my slightly modified training plan.  I woke up feeling like garbage.  My joints were sore, my muscles were achy, my nose was plugged and I had ZERO energy.  On top of that, it was drizzling and about 40 degrees outside.  Not at all ideal conditions for running any distance, especially 11.5 miles, which I knew would take me close to 2 1/2 hours. 

 

I spent about two and a half hours getting myself mentally prepared and finally headed out around 9:30.  I hit the road and decided to just get it over with.  My bladder started screaming almost immediately even though I had just gone to the bathroom the minute before I walked out the door, but I knew I could stop around the 3.5 mile mark at Round Lake to use the restroom there and mentally prepared myself for that....which would have been great if they weren't closed for the season.  Thankfully, they had a biffie by the main picnic shelter at Lake Phalen and I was able to stop there.  I ended up taking a little bit of time to stretch out my legs because my left knee was bothering me quite a bit.  It felt a bit better after I stretched, but started to bother me pretty soon again.  I contemplated cutting my run short to keep my legs healthy before the race, but the pain would come and go so I decided to just push through it.  I hit a wall at mile 8....freaking mile 8.  I ended up walking a bit to give my knee some relief and because I had lost focus mentally.

 

I realized today that I can't have anything to look at while I'm running.  I ran on the Gateway Trail which connects up to the Lake Phalen/Round Lake/Keller Lake paths and ran around Round Lake and Lake Phalen and then back to the Gateway.  I realized that when I was on the Gateway, which is completely canopied by trees, I could keep my focus much better than when I was running around the Lakes.  I was surprised at the song that actually brought my focus back around mile 9 and helped me push through to the end.  It was "My Heart" by Paramore.  The chorus just repeats the line "this heart, it beats, beats for only you".  I don't know that the song is about Jesus, although I've seen them perform it and it absolutely turned into a little praise and worship session for the band although I'm not sure most of the kids in the audience realized it.  Regardless, I just kept singing those words right to Jesus in my head and my focus was back instantly.  

 

I finally made it back to our street and had to run past our house and around one more block to make it an even 11.5 miles.  When I got back to the house all three kids were standing in the doorway and Rory came running out the door to greet me with a big smile on her face, clapping and saying "Good job momma, we missed you!".  It took everything in me not to just burst into tears at that moment.  She ran so much yesterday when we were on our hike, I know she is watching me.  It is a joy to watch her run.

 

My splits didn't end up anywhere near as great as they were last week, but I'm still hopeful that I'll end up finishing in under 3:00....2:45 is my BHAG, so we'll see how that goes. 

 

This afternoon while the kiddos were napping I was working on my Bible Study.  We're doing the Nehemiah study by Kelly Minter and what I read today was quite timely.  I've been feeling God speak to me a lot lately in the area of serving and gifts.  We visited Crossroad's Church a couple of weekends ago because they were talking about a trip to Uganda that my sister in law and a friend went on with International Justice Mission.  The sermon was all about serving others and God with what is already in your hand.  If you have the time, I highly recommend watching it.  Since then, I have been asking God to reveal to me how he would like me to be serving with what I already have.  I have been hearing two things pretty repeatedly when I take the time to listen.

 

Love and Underutilized.

 

The love piece is pretty clear to me.  It is pretty easy for me to completely love and have compassion for people who I have never met.  I have always been acutely aware of other people's feelings and emotions.  I frequently get emotional when simply observing other people or scenarios.  Honestly, it drives me nuts sometimes and I wish I could turn it off at times.  I'm sure it drives my husband insane as well.  A few years ago (pre kiddos) we were having a nice breakfast at a little diner in Grand Marais and the only thing I could focus on was the old man sitting at the counter eating breakfast by himself with holes in his shoes.  I couldn't help but think of where those shoes had been or if anyone used to fill the seat next to him. 

 

These are the kinds of things that run through my mind non-stop.  I am far more concerned with other people's welfare than I am my own most days.  But I have a hard time putting this into action.  It is easy for me to be consumed by my thoughts and stuck in my head.  It is hard for me and uncomfortable for me to actually get vulnerable and make a connection.  It is easy for me to send money, food or necessities to a charitable organization.  It is hard for me to offer a hug to someone I don't know.  Lately I've been sensing so much that God just wants me to act, to do the things that aren't easy for me.  Send a note.  Stick my neck out.  Offer encouragement.  Be present.  Take the time.  Get uncomfortable.  Running 13.1 miles so that kids can have water and asking OTHER people for money to help me is uncomfortable.  By the way, check this out!

 

Only $254 left to go!!!  I know there are still some of you out there who want to help provide clean water for kiddos.  I know WE can do this!

 

 

Sorry for the tangent, now on to the second word...underutilization is something that has been stirring inside of me for the past six months or so but I was trying to ignore it.  It is interesting to feel underutilized and maxed out at the same time.  I don't feel like I have more time to offer right now, but I feel like the time I have could be better spent.  I feel like I have gifts and abilities that aren't being used right now.  Some of them I can't even pinpoint, but I just feel like I need to make a change somewhere.  An opportunity recently presented itself, so I'm looking forward to seeing what God wants to do there.   On top of that, I have been feeling lately like I should be doing more with writing and speaking.  I'm not at all afraid of speaking in front of large groups of people and I enjoy presentations.  I want to be doing something with this outside of work, I just don't know where to go or what to do with it.  I will keep waiting patiently for all of this to work out and trust in God's timing.

 

It really is fun to watch and see what God wants to do.  I love to look back and see how much I have grown and how faithful He is.  Have you found a way to use what you have in your hand?  I'd love to hear about it! 

 

 



Declutter My Heart

Some awesome things happened recently.

I got these bad boys in the mail.  I don't think I've ever been more excited to receive a pair of shoelaces in my life.  THANK YOU to everyone who made it possible to get these.

I am 70% to my goal and would LOVE to make it.  So if you have been thinking about making a donation and haven't yet, now is the time!  Click Here

This morning I woke up at 5:00 to have breakfast and get ready for a 10 mile training run.  I wanted to try and get as much of my run done before the kids woke up as possible so we still had plenty of family time together.  I decided to drive to a different destination for my run this morning to change things up a bit.  I headed downtown to run along the Mississippi, which is where the Monster Dash will finish up.  

I snapped a picture before I headed out, St. Paul was still quite sleepy

There was a big riverboat cruise ship loading at the same time, it was super cute to see a bunch of "seasoned citizens" climbing aboard.  

I decided this morning that there is something to the saying I've seen a couple of times on Facebook now 

It was so early when I started my run, my body really had no idea what it was doing.  I used to think that I ran better in the afternoon because I usually had something to work out in my head and that kept me going, but this morning I realized that if I get started before my inner monologue starts, I can keep complete focus on my music and my run.

With the exception of stopping to relieve my screaming bladder at mile 4.5, I didn't stop running at all this morning.  10 whole miles with no walking breaks.  This is unheard of in Tammyland.

I was really excited when I saw my splits

My last five miles were faster than my first five miles and my last mile was the fastest.  I have been trying to accomplish this FOREVER.  You seriously have no idea how amazing it felt to finish 10 miles without walking.  Although this training plan is kicking my butt, it is doing the job!  The miles I'm putting in during the week are preparing me for the long runs on the weekend.

I finally feel like I'm at a place where I have stopped comparing myself to other runners and have just started looking at my own progress.  Am I still slow by most standards?  Absolutely.  Have I made tremendous progress?  Yes indeed.  I'm calling it a victory.  

My overall pace was 13:06, I'm shooting for 12:45 on race day, so we'll see how it goes.  I think if I stay healthy and my stomach doesn't revolt again, I am definitely on track to finish in under 3:00 this time.

I fueled mid-run with these today

They were awesome.  The texture was good, the flavor was great and they did exactly what I needed them to do.  I highly recommend them.  

It was really nice to start my weekend off with a great run this morning after a pretty crappy week.  I won't go into detail on any of it, because it really doesn't matter, but it was just a rough week for me mentally and emotionally.  I spent most of my 5 mile run on Thursday in tears of frustration.  Not from running, but my overall inability to handle what life throws at me while still somehow finding joy.

I kept thinking about James 1:2-4

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,  for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.  And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I gotta be honest with you.  I can't say I have ever felt an ounce of joy when I'm facing a trial.  When my car wouldn't start at work on Wednesday night, my first thought wasn't, "Thank you, God.  Because of this craptastic situation, I'm able to see how much you mean to me and my faith is stronger than ever."  

My first thought was "Seriously?  Seriously?  Can I just be done already?  I just want to go home and go to Bible Study and here I am stuck at work in a car that won't start."

I just keep praying that some day I'll be able to get there, but I get so frustrated that I struggle so much with this.  I want so desperately for God to be enough for me.  I want to find all of my joy and all of my strength in him.  But right now, I'm just not there. 

I started watching the current message series at Elevation Church on Thursday night as I was working on folding some laundry.  It is called I Don't Know What I Believe and God is using it to speak to me big time.  Steven Furtick has been bringing his A game lately.

I think the greatest thing that I took away and that I'm trying to wrap my head around is this.

"Even when all the answers aren't clear.  God's love for me is."  

I have a really hard time with simply letting love be enough.  It is like I just don't know how to do it.  I have to over analyze everything and get so stuck in all the details of what life should be like and what I should be thinking or feeling as a follower of Christ.  When my heart doesn't align with what the Bible says, I feel really defeated.  I want to get there and sometimes my progress is painfully slow.

The passage that they are using for the entire series is 2 Timothy 1:8-14

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord, nor of me his prisoner, but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God,  who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began,  and which now has been manifested through the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel,  for which I was appointed a preacher and apostle and teacher,  which is why I suffer as I do. But I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and I am convinced that he is able to guard until that Day what has been entrusted to me.  Follow the pattern of the sound words that you have heard from me, in the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.  By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us, guard the good deposit entrusted to you. 

Paul's faith and devotion to the work he was doing was just ridiculous.  If I had a shred of the faith he had, I think I'd be in a much better place.

It isn't so much that I doubt God's goodness, I have seen him prove his goodness repeatedly.  I just have a really hard time finding the good in the every day struggles.  

I think I've been hearing God tell me that I need to get rid of all the baggage that I carry around in my head and my heart.  I need to throw out all the things that I try to keep control of in my life.  Toss out the trash so that I can make more room for Him.  I need to declutter my heart.  I let him in, but he kind of fills the cracks and spaces between all of the other thought, memories and things I'm trying to control.  

I think I'm going to have to book a hermitage soon and work through some things.  I need like 24 hours of nothing but me, God and some trees....lots of trees.