May has been a really rough month for me emotionally. There is no explanation for it, it is just my lifelong struggle with depression and anxiety, and this month, both of them seem to be wearing me down.
I've been doing marathon base training and haven't really been feeling any of it. I get myself out the door and on runs, but feel like I'm a fraud most of the other times. I'm not being the captain I want to be right now and I'm definitely not being very motivational. I've been doing my best just to make it through each day as a mom, employee and wife and when I get done with all of those things, I crash into bed and pray for a better day tomorrow.
I have an idea for a drawing to try and capture how it feels for me to struggle with depression, but I pretty much suck at drawing, so I'm not sure if I'll ever get it done, but I'm going to at least attempt it. I have a really hard time explaining how it feels, so I thought an image might be helpful. I was talking to a new friend recently who was explaining how it feels for her and I got really excited because I totally knew what she was talking about. It sucks that we both share the same struggle, but I'm happy to have found someone who gets it.
Today on my training plan was a test 5K. The goal of this run is to figure out what your pace should be for the long training runs. I have been doing intervals for the last 4 weeks and it has been glorious. I've been pushing myself during the running intervals, but always welcomed the walking breaks. Today was the first time I've attempted to just run without planned walking breaks in a while, so I was excited to see how it would go.
I headed over to Lake Phalen on my lunch break to give it a go. The first two miles went well, I felt good, but I could feel my legs getting tired as I entered into the last mile. I gave it my all and tried to keep running but ended up taking a few quick walking breaks with a planned re-running point, usually a tree or light post. I gave it my all on the last .25 miles and watched my Garmin intently for that 3.10 to appear and stopped as soon as I hit it. I waited that half a second to see my final time and pace and was content with my results.
If I were actually racing in a race, it would have been my fastest 5K time by about 13 seconds (I ran the 2013 Polar Dash in 37:43). However, in September last year I ran a 5K during a 6 mile training run with a couple of friends in 36:33. I was definitely at my peak right before the marathon last year and I'm hoping I can get back there this year.
So even though it wasn't my best, it felt really, really good. I've been struggling this year and it was nice to see that I'm not too far off from my best. I have been working really hard to change my stride and strengthen my glutes and hamstrings to eliminate a nagging back/pelvis injury. While I've been working to prevent further injury, I've actually been able to feel my legs and my stride get stronger, and that is really stinking exciting. I get a thrill out of feeling all of my muscles fire in the proper sequence and propel me forward....I'm a big nerd that way.
I have decided that a good run is just what I need to feel invincible and break through all the garbage that goes on in my head. I was telling someone the other day that I have a lot more crappy runs than good runs, but the good runs are what keep me going. I only have about one a month, but man, they feel amazing.
As I was in the last half mile of my 5K today, the song Oceans came on. If you read my other blog at all, you'll know that the lyrics of that song prompted a prayer that lead me to running the marathon last year. I had prayed for God to "take me deeper" to a place where I knew I'd need to rely on him because I wanted to see what we could do together. I wanted Him to use me. I've been getting this prompting this year to raise my fundraising goal to $10,000 to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Team World Vision. As soon as I started feeling promptings to do this, I started to get angry and frustrated. I didn't want to. I am sitting at $157 right now for my fundraising this year, most of which has come from other runners on the team, so I wasn't really planning on this year being a huge fundraising year for me, but God has other plans.
So I'm declaring that my new goal for this year is $10,000. I honestly have no idea whatsoever how I'm going to hit it, I have a lot of work to do. I don't have any rich relatives sitting on a pile of money that are going to get me going there, but I've been thinking of some fundraising events to start chipping away at this gigantic goal.
So there is my big, scary, crazy goal. I really believe that God wants everyone to have clean water to drink and he is using the people on this team to do it. I had been praying so long to find community somewhere, I never ever dreamed that I'd find it with a group of people who run for clean water. But that is how God works, he's always doing the unexpected.
People are probably sick of me asking for donations, and that is OK. This isn't about me, this is about the lives of millions of people. If I lose friends or people think I'm annoying because I'm passionate about clean water, that is a risk I'm willing to take.
If you are able to support me in any way, I would be extremely grateful! You can CLICK HERE TO GIVE THE GIFT OF WATER AND LIFE!!!
I'm hoping to get back here more regularly to write about my journey this year. I've got a lot of thoughts in my head and I haven't given up on this weight loss thing yet, so I should have plenty of things to write about.
But until then, enjoy this song and pray about making a donation towards my efforts to raise $10,000 for clean water.
