Thirst

I suppose it is time for an update.


I am wrapping up week four of marathon training and I haven't missed a run yet, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.  They haven't all been easy and most of them have been quite slow, but I'm getting them done.


I've been mentally exhausted lately and haven't had the ability to think or string words together outside of work.  I have an inbox full of messages I need to reply to but I haven't had the energy.  Words are hard to come by sometimes, especially when you second guess everything you say.


Wednesday night when I got home from work I couldn't make one more decision.  James had fallen asleep on the couch and the kids were full of energy and hungry and I just started to cry because coming up with a plan for dinner and the rest of the night was just too overwhelming.  I gave them a bunch of healthy snacks and called it dinner and then we went to get some ice cream to fill the time.  I'm happy to report that we all made it through the night even though I may have been a little harsh with the McDonald's worker that said their ice cream machine was broken.  (sorry!) 


I've been trying really hard to focus on eating healthy foods, mostly fruits, vegetables and proteins and really cut back on the carbs.  I feel better and my runs felt stronger this week but the scale isn't moving.  I think I'd take stronger runs over losing weight at this point though, so I'll still call it a victory.


I've been doing my long runs the last month or so with my friend Kelley on Friday since both of our husbands work on Saturdays.  We became friends in 8th grade when I moved to Farmington, so we've known each other for a little over 20 years.  There were a few years during and after college that we didn't talk, because sometimes girls (me) do silly things in the name of "love" in their early 20s and lose friends in the process.  But God redeemed our friendship about 8 years ago and it has been so awesome to have her back in my life.  She has listened to me go on and on about Team World Vision the last couple of years and this year she decided to join me for the half marathon.  I think we became such good friends sitting on the bench together during basketball and volleyball, so it is kind of funny that now we spend most of our time running together.  We're not the strongest runners and we're not fast by any one's standards, but we are both stubborn and work extremely hard and it has been great to have her as a running partner for the long runs.

Yesterday we were around mile 6 of an 8 mile run and it was getting warm and we were both getting tired.  I was completely out of water and knew there wasn't any along the path we were running so I knew I would run the last two miles thirsty.  I started thinking about what it must be like to walk for miles in the blazing hot African sun to get water.  Not only would you be parched just trying to get to it, but it wouldn't even be refreshing or cold, rather warm and deadly.  As I was thinking about this we came across a stagnant puddle that just screamed disease.

I was so thirsty and this was the only available water, and I wouldn't drink it if you paid me to because the cost would be too high....I'm lucky that I have the ability to make that choice.  I asked Kelley if she was ok with me stopping to take a picture and she said it was just the reminder she needed to get through the next two miles.  I'm pretty sure God was with us on our run when we needed him the most reminding us that no matter how hard it is for us to run, we are still incredibly blessed because we have access to clean water pretty much everywhere.  I knew I had a bottle of semi-cold water in my car to drink as soon as we were done, but the thought of what it would be like if this was the only water I had available hasn't left me yet. 

Next week some time I am going to attempt to live a day without water, just to keep remembering why I run.  If God is showing me anything this year, it is about how much I make everything in life about me, and I need constant reminders to stop and turn it back around to Him.  So I plan on going an entire day without water and documenting it here.  When I say without water, that means all of the things that would require water to make, I'm going all in.  Anyone want to join me?

I know that a world where everyone has access to clean water is possible and I'm fighting for it.  I know that there are plenty of other people out there who can share that vision with me and help make it a reality.  I've been thinking so much lately about how much time and energy all of our "stuff" takes out of our lives.  I'm starting to understand why Jesus had his disciples sell all of their things and leave their families.  I spend hours trying to keep my house somewhat clean and the yard half way presentable.  Today I spent half a day folding laundry and matching socks.  I think of all the good I could do if I wasn't spending time taking care of all of the "stuff" we have. 

Is there some "stuff" you can do without so that someone else has clean water to drink?  Chances are, the stuff you're after isn't going to make you as happy  as you think it will and you'll end up spending more time taking care of it than it is worth.  The only thing that isn't taken away from you in the end is what you have given away.  What if we all cared less about our stuff and more about the lives we could change if we gave extravagantly of our time and money. 

So what do you think?  Can you join me in the vision to get clean water to everyone in the world? 

http://www.teamworldvision.org/participant/tkasal

Stuck in the Middle

I've had a rough week.


I wonder how many posts I've written start that way? I'd bet a majority of them do. 


I went out for a 3 mile run last night and I wanted to quit before I even got to the end of the block because my legs just felt so tired.  I debated turning around and just skipping my run for the day, but I pressed on hoping my legs would warm up...but they never did.  I kept trying to get them to go and they kept refusing to do what I wanted them to do.  About a mile and a half in, when things still weren't getting any better, I might have had a 33 year old temper tantrum that involved an ugly cry and a chucked water bottle.  FYI, I throw things when I get really frustrated, you've been warned to steer clear of projectiles.


I ended up cutting things short and 3 miles of running turned into 2.5 miles of me telling myself how pathetic and worthless I am.  I've been "running" for over 3 years now and I couldn't even get through 3 miles and it hurt, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and it hurt bad. It is really hard to watch people who started running 10 weeks ago run stronger and faster than I can after three years of this.  I'm insanely happy for them, but it is still hard to not seem to be able to get past this plateau that I'm stuck on, because it feels like I'm trying really freaking hard to get off of it, and I just can't seem to get there. 


I'm so sick of being stuck here.  I feel like such a failure because I haven't been able to finish what I've started.  I don't want to stay this size forever, or even worse, gain everything back like so many others do.  I think like 80% of people who lose a significant amount of weight gain it all back and then some within 2 years.  I've gained back about 25-30 pounds from my lowest point and I am struggling so hard to get back on track.


I think the reason so many people regain all the weight is because it is exhausting to change who you are in order to lose weight.  You need to become a different person in order to lose weight, and when life gets crazy and you get tired, that is nearly impossible to do.  Everything in me wants to overeat and I fight so hard to stop, but after a day of using all of my energy to just get through everything else that life demands of me right now, I lose the energy required to continue to deny myself of that extra portion or snack.




It is important for you to know that I'm not looking for sympathy or recommendations on any of this, I just need to vent.  I know what I need to do, just like any other overweight/obese person knows what to do.  It is rarely a lack of knowledge that prevents someone from losing weight, it is a lack of emotional energy, because losing weight requires all of it.


Since it is so easy for me to get frustrated with being stuck where I am instead of making progress, I needed to remind myself of the progress I have already made.  I was looking through old pictures tonight from before we had kids.  It was really easy to figure out why I ended up weighing 385 pounds after looking through them because I'm passed out on the couch or snuggled up with the dogs in almost all of them.  Physical activity was pretty much non-existent.  I'd get home from work and crash on the couch.

I miss my Skip dog

I definitely wasn't living life, I was just letting it pass by.


So even though I'm not where I want to be, and even though I still have an enormous amount of work to do, I'll celebrate the fact that I've learned how to live, no matter how painful it may be sometimes.


Rather than sad and empty half smiles, I've got silly and sometimes sweaty smiles.

  

 

Since pushing myself really hard doesn't seem to be working, I suppose now maybe it is time to mix things up and try some grace.  Grace for others is always easy for me, grace for myself is extremely hard. 


I know you read the same thing over and over and over and over and it gets really old, but I'm thankful to have a space to process and maybe help someone else who understands the struggle feel a little less alone.


Life is hard.  Everyone has a struggle.  Be kind.  


I go through phases with music and right now I can't seem to get enough of a band called Manchester Orchestra.  I've listened to them off and on for a few years, but I don't think I've ever enjoyed them quite as much as I do right now.  One of their songs, "I Can Feel A Hot One" is just so perfect right now.  I love these lyrics

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

 

So I'll leave you with this song because maybe you're like me, waiting for God to show his face or give you a word when it feels like it has been far to long.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCymIXSdOE8&feature=player_embedded