Twin Cities Marathon 2015 Recap

A week has passed and I finally have the chance to sit down and write about last Sunday, the day of Twin Cities Marathon.  I didn't write much during training.  Partly because I was just so busy and partly because I haven't felt like I've had much to say lately.  I've sat down to write about this day many times and stopped because there is just no way I can adequately relay my feelings through words, but I'm going to try.

I trained really hard this year, but I never really felt confident in my ability to run.  I had a hard time maintaining a consistent speed, and when I could, it was extremely slow.  I went into the marathon really unsure of how things would go, and my prayer was that God would give me peace no matter what the outcome was.  

In the days leading up to the race, I started to get really nervous.  Going into the unknown is always really scary for me, and that was definitely what I was doing.  When race day finally came, I was feeling alright.  I was excited to get out there and just be done with it so I didn't have to wondering how I was going to do anymore.  

James drove me to Minneapolis bright and early so that I could attend the worship service prior to the race.  There were a lot of familiar faces and good conversations early on, which made the time pass quickly and the nerves stay away.  I found most of the Woodland Hills team and snapped a pre-race picture.

After the Team World Vision rally clap, it was time to head to our corrals for the start.  I found some friends and we chatted until we started moving.  I had hoped to stay with one or both of them for the entire race.  We crossed the starting line and the excitement in the air got the best of me.  I took off, in what felt like a conservative pace, and was feeling great.  I decided almost immediately to abandon my plan of doing 2:1 intervals from the get go and instead decided to run until the crowd thinned out a little bit.  I started my intervals around the half mile mark and was still by Elspeth, one of the friends that I was hoping to run with.  She was also doing intervals, and was getting hers going around the same time and I planned to run with her, but for whatever reason, my body just wasn't adjusting to my normal slower pace.  I felt clunky and out of sorts and decided to run ahead.  My watch beeped indicating I had completed mile 1, I glanced down to see what my pace was and saw 11:47 min/mil.  I uttered a few profanities....that was much too fast.  

Over the course of the next mile, my goal was to try and slow my run intervals down.  I didn't feel like I was pushing that hard, but my pace kept indicating otherwise.  I was still feeling good, so I decided to roll with it and try not to stress out about it.  But as each mile passed at a pace that I knew I wasn't going to be able to sustain, I knew I was bound to hit a wall at some point. As I was coming around Lake Calhoun, my right foot started to hurt really badly.  I thought perhaps my shoes were too tight, so stopped to loosen them up.  The pain slowly went away and I kept going.

I saw my family and some friends around mile 7.5 and was still feeling really great.  Shortly after I passed them and had taken my second Gu, my stomach started to hurt like I have never experienced before.  I decided maybe I wasn't drinking enough water, so I tried to start drinking more.  As I was going through miles 8, 9 and 10, my stomach started hurting worse and I now had a new pain on my right foot, blisters.  For whatever reason, I can go through a full training season accumulating ridiculous amounts of miles and run blister free, but on race day, something strange happens and I get blisters every stinking time despite doing the exact same thing I've always done.  I knew that my family was going to be somewhere around mile 11 and after learning my lesson last year, I asked my husband to bring my body glide along and have it with in case I needed it, and I did.  I plopped down next to them at the corner of Cedar and Minnehaha and pulled my shoe and sock off and wanted to cry.  I had two giant blisters on my big toe and big toe knuckle.  I covered them in body glide, got my self put back together, told my family to pray for my feet and my stomach and I kept on going wincing in pain with every step I took.  

I remember passing a guy who I think may have been the same man I passed last year who said to the person he was with "Oh, I'm so proud of her" after I had passed, only this year, he was telling a different story, "oh, she really looks like she is hurting". Apparently the smile on my face wasn't doing a very good job of concealing the pain I was feeling as the giant knot in my stomach got tighter and the blisters on my foot grew.  I could feel my body slowly giving up.  My legs started to feel like lead, I'm guessing whatever fuel I was taking in wasn't really getting anywhere given the condition of my stomach.

I went through the TWV cheer station at 11.5 and gave my friend Kelley a great big hug, it was so nice to see a friendly face.  I kept moving forward and really wondered how I was going to keep going when I hurt so bad.  I made it to Lake Nokomis and saw an aid station with Vaseline and decided to pull off both of my shoes and socks and cover my feet to try and help the blister situation.  As I was doing that, I heard the worst sound you can hear on marathon day, the sound of a diesel engine rumbling.  I turned my head and saw the dreaded sag wagon heading slowly towards me.  In that moment, my mental game was over.  I got my shoes back on and tried to keep going, fighting back tears with each step, knowing that staying in front of the bus for 2 miles was possible, but staying in front of the bus for 12 more was going to mess with me.  My family was stationed at mile 14.5, but I didn't know they were going to be there.  I think I had already started to cry because the bus was at my heels and my husband could see the defeat.  He motioned for me to come over, told me my life is in Christ and said, lets go back to the car and have a sandwich.  I cried into his shoulder for a few minutes, feeling like a complete failure.  When I regained composure, we were just about to head to the car, but I saw an orange shirt in the distance.  I knew I had team mates behind me, and I knew that they weren't going down without a fight.  I decided right then that I wasn't done yet, I was going to keep moving forward and finish no matter how long it took.

I saw my friends Dan and Bradley heading up the street and I decided to join them.  Bradley was doing his best to keep Dan moving, and Dan was doing his best to not swear, at least that was my take on the moment.  They were doing 2:1 intervals, just like I had been doing, so it felt good about continuing on with them.  Our run/walk slowly morphed into an all out walk, but we kept moving.  The number of people fighting for a finish dwindled as the road opened and anything indicating that a race was taking place vanished.  We were very lucky though, and one of the best guys around, Carl, who had been at the 11.5 cheer station, decided to follow us around and check in and see if we needed anything.  We stopped shortly after passing the Wabun Picnic area so Dan could roll out his hip and refuel.  We gave Bradley the go-ahead to start running and try to catch up to the pack as we trudged along and Dan and I pressed on.  

We soon encountered the only other person who seemed to be committed to finishing the blasted race and Dan started chatting with him.  His name was Mike and he decided to join us.  The three of us continued along, chatting and getting to know each other.  We discovered that Mike's kids go to the same school as mine, something I was really excited about.  Dan and Mike were almost instantly like friends who had known each other for years.  They chatted about literature and history for so much of the race, each of them thinking the other was joking because they had so much in common.  I joked with them about intruding on a budding bromance.  The hours that the three of us spent together that afternoon will forever be high on the list of my favorites.  

We had so much great support from my husband, mom, mother in law and kiddos.  Between them and Carl, we never went more than a mile without someone checking in on us.  My sister in law and her family popped out of a bush with words of encouragement at just the right time.  

My friend Paula and her girls stayed out there a REALLY long time to cheer for us on the mile 21 hill and my sister and her husband and their girls waited for us at the top and kept us going on the right track.  As we neared the last three miles or so, we were greeted by Scott and Sandra, both team mates who had already finished the race and come back to get us (after doing the same thing for multiple other people).  It was at that point that I realized just how badly I wanted to be done so that I could just sit down with my kids rather than continually walking by them.  Sandra and I started walking and talking and my heart just grew bigger and bigger as I asked about how others on the team had done.  Eventually we made it to the Cathedral and I could see the finish line.  The timing mat was gone and most everyone had gone home, but the banner was still up and the finish line was in my grasp.  With a few blocks left, I started to run again.  I wanted to finish strong.  I took off and as soon as I crossed under the finish my eyes welled up with tears.  I was finished.  26.2 miles done for the 2nd time.  

I didn't get a race medal, but Sinead put the medal that mattered the most to me this year around my neck, the Team World Vision Hero Medal.  This medal indicates that you helped me provide clean water for over 60 people.

I thought Mike and Dan were right behind me but didn't see them, so I started to get a little bit concerned.  I started asking everyone to make sure they were ok, and was quickly reassured that they were close behind.  Mike's wife and kids joined us at the finish line as we waited for them and it was so much fun anticipating their arrival.  Soon we saw them coming down the hill and my heart swelled at the joy and pride I saw in every one's face as they made their way to the finish.  I had trained for this day, trained really stinking hard, but it just wasn't my day.  Dan's training was cut short by an injury and Mike's training was non-existent.  The strength and perseverance those two showed to get through this was incredible and I was so proud of them.  

There is an old African proverb that says, "If you want to go fast, go alone.  If you want to go far, go together."  There isn't any way that I would have been able to go so far that day if we hadn't gone together.

 

I had struggled all season with trying to make running about clean water and not about me.  I have a really hard time making the connection sometimes and it is easy for me to become absorbed with my pace and progress, but it all became very clear to me on race day.  My stomach hurt, my feet were screaming and my legs were very tired, and yet I had the most precious of gifts, clean water, in my hand the entire time.  I wasn't carrying a 40 pound jerry can filled with water that would perpetuate the ache in my stomach.  I wasn't afraid of being captured and taken advantage of.  I was choosing to be out there, despite the pain, for a chance at offering hope and water to others who desperately need it.  As I walked down Summit Ave with Dan and Mike, I was just so overwhelmed with joy at the incredible honor it was to be able to offer my time and every bit of strength I had so that someone else might have a better life.

There is so much more I could say about the day, but I'll save that for another time.  Just trust me when I say that it was by far one of my favorites.  The fact that I was able to continue and find joy in the day shows the incredible progress that God has been making in my life.  The Tammy of two years ago would have gone home crying, throwing things around the house and pouting while feeling like a failure.  The Tammy today recognizes that her worth isn't found in a race time and it doesn't mean I didn't work hard, it just means it wasn't my day.  

I am not gifted at running and I'm not particularly great at fundraising, but I am doing what I can so that people in Africa can have a chance at a better life.  If I were in their shoes, I would hope that someone out there would do the same for me.  You don't have to be great to change someones life, you just have to be willing to try.

I am at 41% of my fundraising goal right now, and I'm not giving up yet!  My fundraising page will stay open through the end of the year and you still have time to give.  Maybe you have a few people on your Christmas shopping list who already have everything.  How about giving someone else the gift of water in their name?  It is a gift that keeps on giving and I'd be honored if you'd consider it. I believe that we will see an end to the clean water crisis in our lifetime and you can help.

http://www.teamworldvision.org/participant/tkasal

You could give to Dan too if you wanted

http://www.teamworldvision.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=donorDrive.participant&participantID=13442   

  

Bring It

Since it is my birthday today, I thought I'd take a little bit of time and do something that I love to do, write about things!

This morning I woke up at 4:45 to prepare for my 16 mile training run.  I ate some breakfast and spent some time filling my mind with The Word.  I've not been so great about spending time with God lately outside of running, so I've been trying to be more diligent about making time in the morning.  

My word of the year has been steadfast and I needed a reminder for what that looks like so I pulled up 2 Peter 1:3-11

His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to confirm your calling and election, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

This was exactly what I needed to read before heading out on a 16 mile run.  Running for water allows me to partake in divine nature.  I’m not doing this because I want to run another marathon, I'm doing this because I want to provide water for people I'll likely never meet because it is a way that I can love them.    I never thought running would be a calling for me, but here I am.

I headed out around 6am and was running along enjoying the sunrise.  

Around mile 5 I heard "on your left" from behind me.  This is pretty typical to hear on the trail from a bicycler coming from behind giving warning that they will be zooming past shortly.  I kept waiting for a bike to go past me but it was taking a lot longer than it should have so I turned to check things out and there, right next to me, was a smiling and familiar face.  One of my friends pulled herself out of her nice, comfy bed early in the morning to come bike along with me for a few miles as I ran.  It was such a blessing to have her with me and talk about all the work that God is doing with Team World Vision this year.  It made me even more excited to be running...maybe a little bit too excited because those 6 miles she rode along with me were quite a bit faster than all the others.

I was on my own for the next 4.5 miles and my feet, knees and hips were starting to feel the effects of carrying my body for the last 11.5 miles.  Around mile 12 I remembered that I had loaded a couple of messages on my phone to listen to when things started to get tough.  I had gone back through the Renovatus Church archives to find some Jonathan Martin messages that I hadn't listened to yet.   I kind of just did random selection based on the titles and the first one I decided to listen to was called

Blessed, Broken and Given.  I honestly couldn't have picked a better message to listen to at that point in time, it was so perfect.

Since Jonathan left Renovatus and took some time away from pastoring to write, I have been greatly missing his words.  I never really understood just how much God loved me until I heard him speak, so going back to listen to some of his old messages felt a bit like going home.

This particular message was about Matthew 14, where Jesus feeds the 5,000.

Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself. But when the crowds heard it, they followed him on foot from the towns. When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick. Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.”But Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” And he said, “Bring them here to me.” Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass, and taking the five loaves and the two fish, he looked up to heaven and said a blessing. Then he broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the crowds. And they all ate and were satisfied. And they took up twelve baskets full of the broken pieces left over. And those who ate were about five thousand men, besides women and children.  (Matthew 14:13-21)

I've always viewed this story as a miracle story, and certainly it is, but it is so much more than that.  It is a story that shows us how God can use us, as broken and imperfect as we are, if we are just willing to give Him what we have.  The boy only had five loaves of bread and two fish.  It wasn't big.  It wasn't fancy.  It wasn't going to feed 5 to 20 thousand people, but still, he brought what he had to Jesus. 

I started to think about how often I feel so inadequate to be doing what I do.  I'm not made to run.  I'm big and I’m slow and moving 250 pounds mile after mile hurts like hell.  It is really difficult for me, someone who likes to do things I’m naturally good at, to consistently partake in an activity that I am pretty much terrible at compared to most.  It would have been easy for me to come up with a large list of reasons why I couldn't run a marathon with Team World Vision.  However, I decided to simply bring my non-typical runners body to Jesus because I trusted that he could use it.

Last year I knew I didn't have what it took to finish a marathon in six hours, but I didn't need it because He provided it for me.  Just like last year, I know based on my training that I still don't have what it takes, but I'm hopeful that he'll give me what I need to get there again.  But it doesn't stop there.

God wouldn't be able to use what I offered him unless other people offered something as well.  Every time someone gets behind the vision of ending the water crisis in Africa, they do the exact same thing.  $50 feels so small when you look at the number of people that are lacking access to clean water, but when people bring Him what they have, he blesses it and multiplies it. 

Just like the loaves and fish, not only did Jesus bless me, but he also multiplied what I had.  The crowd needed food and Jesus gave it to them.  I had been praying for community for years, it was something I needed, and that is exactly what I found with Team World Vision.  This team has become like family to me.  I love the people I get to do this with so much.  I love the people that believe in this mission and bring what they have, physically and financially.  It is a really beautiful thing.

So as I reflect back on the last year and look forward to the future, I am thankful that God can use us, even when we are broken and imperfect.  I want to challenge you to bring Jesus what you have.  You don't have to have everything all figured out.  You don't have to be perfect.  You don't have to have all the answers.  You just have to be you, fully surrendered,  and He'll take care of the rest.  Don't let fear stop you.  I missed out on so much for so long because I was too afraid to offer what I had.

Thanks for sticking with me and reading my infrequent posts!  Bring It!  You won't regret it.

Thirst

I suppose it is time for an update.


I am wrapping up week four of marathon training and I haven't missed a run yet, so I'm feeling pretty proud of myself.  They haven't all been easy and most of them have been quite slow, but I'm getting them done.


I've been mentally exhausted lately and haven't had the ability to think or string words together outside of work.  I have an inbox full of messages I need to reply to but I haven't had the energy.  Words are hard to come by sometimes, especially when you second guess everything you say.


Wednesday night when I got home from work I couldn't make one more decision.  James had fallen asleep on the couch and the kids were full of energy and hungry and I just started to cry because coming up with a plan for dinner and the rest of the night was just too overwhelming.  I gave them a bunch of healthy snacks and called it dinner and then we went to get some ice cream to fill the time.  I'm happy to report that we all made it through the night even though I may have been a little harsh with the McDonald's worker that said their ice cream machine was broken.  (sorry!) 


I've been trying really hard to focus on eating healthy foods, mostly fruits, vegetables and proteins and really cut back on the carbs.  I feel better and my runs felt stronger this week but the scale isn't moving.  I think I'd take stronger runs over losing weight at this point though, so I'll still call it a victory.


I've been doing my long runs the last month or so with my friend Kelley on Friday since both of our husbands work on Saturdays.  We became friends in 8th grade when I moved to Farmington, so we've known each other for a little over 20 years.  There were a few years during and after college that we didn't talk, because sometimes girls (me) do silly things in the name of "love" in their early 20s and lose friends in the process.  But God redeemed our friendship about 8 years ago and it has been so awesome to have her back in my life.  She has listened to me go on and on about Team World Vision the last couple of years and this year she decided to join me for the half marathon.  I think we became such good friends sitting on the bench together during basketball and volleyball, so it is kind of funny that now we spend most of our time running together.  We're not the strongest runners and we're not fast by any one's standards, but we are both stubborn and work extremely hard and it has been great to have her as a running partner for the long runs.

Yesterday we were around mile 6 of an 8 mile run and it was getting warm and we were both getting tired.  I was completely out of water and knew there wasn't any along the path we were running so I knew I would run the last two miles thirsty.  I started thinking about what it must be like to walk for miles in the blazing hot African sun to get water.  Not only would you be parched just trying to get to it, but it wouldn't even be refreshing or cold, rather warm and deadly.  As I was thinking about this we came across a stagnant puddle that just screamed disease.

I was so thirsty and this was the only available water, and I wouldn't drink it if you paid me to because the cost would be too high....I'm lucky that I have the ability to make that choice.  I asked Kelley if she was ok with me stopping to take a picture and she said it was just the reminder she needed to get through the next two miles.  I'm pretty sure God was with us on our run when we needed him the most reminding us that no matter how hard it is for us to run, we are still incredibly blessed because we have access to clean water pretty much everywhere.  I knew I had a bottle of semi-cold water in my car to drink as soon as we were done, but the thought of what it would be like if this was the only water I had available hasn't left me yet. 

Next week some time I am going to attempt to live a day without water, just to keep remembering why I run.  If God is showing me anything this year, it is about how much I make everything in life about me, and I need constant reminders to stop and turn it back around to Him.  So I plan on going an entire day without water and documenting it here.  When I say without water, that means all of the things that would require water to make, I'm going all in.  Anyone want to join me?

I know that a world where everyone has access to clean water is possible and I'm fighting for it.  I know that there are plenty of other people out there who can share that vision with me and help make it a reality.  I've been thinking so much lately about how much time and energy all of our "stuff" takes out of our lives.  I'm starting to understand why Jesus had his disciples sell all of their things and leave their families.  I spend hours trying to keep my house somewhat clean and the yard half way presentable.  Today I spent half a day folding laundry and matching socks.  I think of all the good I could do if I wasn't spending time taking care of all of the "stuff" we have. 

Is there some "stuff" you can do without so that someone else has clean water to drink?  Chances are, the stuff you're after isn't going to make you as happy  as you think it will and you'll end up spending more time taking care of it than it is worth.  The only thing that isn't taken away from you in the end is what you have given away.  What if we all cared less about our stuff and more about the lives we could change if we gave extravagantly of our time and money. 

So what do you think?  Can you join me in the vision to get clean water to everyone in the world? 

http://www.teamworldvision.org/participant/tkasal

Stuck in the Middle

I've had a rough week.


I wonder how many posts I've written start that way? I'd bet a majority of them do. 


I went out for a 3 mile run last night and I wanted to quit before I even got to the end of the block because my legs just felt so tired.  I debated turning around and just skipping my run for the day, but I pressed on hoping my legs would warm up...but they never did.  I kept trying to get them to go and they kept refusing to do what I wanted them to do.  About a mile and a half in, when things still weren't getting any better, I might have had a 33 year old temper tantrum that involved an ugly cry and a chucked water bottle.  FYI, I throw things when I get really frustrated, you've been warned to steer clear of projectiles.


I ended up cutting things short and 3 miles of running turned into 2.5 miles of me telling myself how pathetic and worthless I am.  I've been "running" for over 3 years now and I couldn't even get through 3 miles and it hurt, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and it hurt bad. It is really hard to watch people who started running 10 weeks ago run stronger and faster than I can after three years of this.  I'm insanely happy for them, but it is still hard to not seem to be able to get past this plateau that I'm stuck on, because it feels like I'm trying really freaking hard to get off of it, and I just can't seem to get there. 


I'm so sick of being stuck here.  I feel like such a failure because I haven't been able to finish what I've started.  I don't want to stay this size forever, or even worse, gain everything back like so many others do.  I think like 80% of people who lose a significant amount of weight gain it all back and then some within 2 years.  I've gained back about 25-30 pounds from my lowest point and I am struggling so hard to get back on track.


I think the reason so many people regain all the weight is because it is exhausting to change who you are in order to lose weight.  You need to become a different person in order to lose weight, and when life gets crazy and you get tired, that is nearly impossible to do.  Everything in me wants to overeat and I fight so hard to stop, but after a day of using all of my energy to just get through everything else that life demands of me right now, I lose the energy required to continue to deny myself of that extra portion or snack.




It is important for you to know that I'm not looking for sympathy or recommendations on any of this, I just need to vent.  I know what I need to do, just like any other overweight/obese person knows what to do.  It is rarely a lack of knowledge that prevents someone from losing weight, it is a lack of emotional energy, because losing weight requires all of it.


Since it is so easy for me to get frustrated with being stuck where I am instead of making progress, I needed to remind myself of the progress I have already made.  I was looking through old pictures tonight from before we had kids.  It was really easy to figure out why I ended up weighing 385 pounds after looking through them because I'm passed out on the couch or snuggled up with the dogs in almost all of them.  Physical activity was pretty much non-existent.  I'd get home from work and crash on the couch.

I miss my Skip dog

I definitely wasn't living life, I was just letting it pass by.


So even though I'm not where I want to be, and even though I still have an enormous amount of work to do, I'll celebrate the fact that I've learned how to live, no matter how painful it may be sometimes.


Rather than sad and empty half smiles, I've got silly and sometimes sweaty smiles.

  

 

Since pushing myself really hard doesn't seem to be working, I suppose now maybe it is time to mix things up and try some grace.  Grace for others is always easy for me, grace for myself is extremely hard. 


I know you read the same thing over and over and over and over and it gets really old, but I'm thankful to have a space to process and maybe help someone else who understands the struggle feel a little less alone.


Life is hard.  Everyone has a struggle.  Be kind.  


I go through phases with music and right now I can't seem to get enough of a band called Manchester Orchestra.  I've listened to them off and on for a few years, but I don't think I've ever enjoyed them quite as much as I do right now.  One of their songs, "I Can Feel A Hot One" is just so perfect right now.  I love these lyrics

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

 

So I'll leave you with this song because maybe you're like me, waiting for God to show his face or give you a word when it feels like it has been far to long.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCymIXSdOE8&feature=player_embedded

A Mind Cleansing Run and A Crazy Big Goal

Some day I might stop being so sporadic in my posts....I can't guarantee when that will be, but hopefully soon.  Thanks for reading even though I am not very consistent lately.

May has been a really rough month for me emotionally.  There is no explanation for it, it is just my lifelong struggle with depression and anxiety, and this month, both of them seem to be wearing me down.  

I've been doing marathon base training and haven't really been feeling any of it.  I get myself out the door and on runs, but feel like I'm a fraud most of the other times.  I'm not being the captain I want to be right now and I'm definitely not being very motivational.  I've been doing my best just to make it through each day as a mom, employee and wife and when I get done with all of those things, I crash into bed and pray for a better day tomorrow.  

I have an idea for a drawing to try and capture how it feels for me to struggle with depression, but I pretty much suck at drawing, so I'm not sure if I'll ever get it done, but I'm going to at least attempt it.  I have a really hard time explaining how it feels, so I thought an image might be helpful.  I was talking to a new friend recently who was explaining how it feels for her and I got really excited because I totally knew what she was talking about.  It sucks that we both share the same struggle, but I'm happy to have found someone who gets it.  

Today on my training plan was a test 5K.  The goal of this run is to figure out what your pace should be for the long training runs.  I have been doing intervals for the last 4 weeks and it has been glorious.  I've been pushing myself during the running intervals, but always welcomed the walking breaks.  Today was the first time I've attempted to just run without planned walking breaks in a while, so I was excited to see how it would go.  

I headed over to Lake Phalen on my lunch break to give it a go.  The first two miles went well, I felt good, but I could feel my legs getting tired as I entered into the last mile.  I gave it my all and tried to keep running but ended up taking a few quick walking breaks with a planned re-running point, usually a tree or light post.  I gave it my all on the last .25 miles and watched my Garmin intently for that 3.10 to appear and stopped as soon as I hit it.  I waited that half a second to see my final time and pace and was content with my results.

If I were actually racing in a race, it would have been my fastest 5K time by about 13 seconds (I ran the 2013 Polar Dash in 37:43).  However, in September last year I ran a 5K during a 6 mile training run with a couple of friends in 36:33.  I was definitely at my peak right before the marathon last year and I'm hoping I can get back there this year.

So even though it wasn't my best, it felt really, really good.  I've been struggling this year and it was nice to see that I'm not too far off from my best.  I have been working really hard to change my stride and strengthen my glutes and hamstrings to eliminate a nagging back/pelvis injury.  While I've been working to prevent further injury, I've actually been able to feel my legs and my stride get stronger, and that is really stinking exciting.  I get a thrill out of feeling all of my muscles fire in the proper sequence and propel me forward....I'm a big nerd that way.

I have decided that a good run is just what I need to feel invincible and break through all the garbage that goes on in my head.  I was telling someone the other day that I have a lot more crappy runs than good runs, but the good runs are what keep me going.  I only have about one a month, but man, they feel amazing.  

As I was in the last half mile of my 5K today, the song Oceans came on.  If you read my other blog at all, you'll know that the lyrics of that song prompted a prayer that lead me to running the marathon last year.  I had prayed for God to "take me deeper" to a place where I knew I'd need to rely on him because I wanted to see what we could do together.  I wanted Him to use me. I've been getting this prompting this year to raise my fundraising goal to $10,000 to celebrate the 10th anniversary of Team World Vision.  As soon as I started feeling promptings to do this, I started to get angry and frustrated.  I didn't want to.  I am sitting at $157 right now for my fundraising this year, most of which has come from other runners on the team, so I wasn't really planning on this year being a huge fundraising year for me, but God has other plans.

So I'm declaring that my new goal for this year is $10,000.  I honestly have no idea whatsoever how I'm going to hit it, I have a lot of work to do.  I don't have any rich relatives sitting on a pile of money that are going to get me going there, but I've been thinking of some fundraising events to start chipping away at this gigantic goal.  

So there is my big, scary, crazy goal.  I really believe that God wants everyone to have clean water to drink and he is using the people on this team to do it.  I had been praying so long to find community somewhere, I never ever dreamed that I'd find it with a group of people who run for clean water.  But that is how God works, he's always doing the unexpected.    

People are probably sick of me asking for donations, and that is OK.  This isn't about me, this is about the lives of millions of people.  If I lose friends or people think I'm annoying because I'm passionate about clean water, that is a risk I'm willing to take. 

If you are able to support me in any way, I would be extremely grateful!  You can CLICK HERE TO GIVE THE GIFT OF WATER AND LIFE!!!  

I'm hoping to get back here more regularly to write about my journey this year.  I've got a lot of thoughts in my head and I haven't given up on this weight loss thing yet, so I should have plenty of things to write about.  

But until then, enjoy this song and pray about making a donation towards my efforts to raise $10,000 for clean water.  

Beyond Bare Minimum

Saturday I ran my first race of the year, the Get in Gear 10K.  Despite all kinds of encouragement from a new friend, an amazing friend and my family, I could not get myself together and the race didn't go as well as I was hoping it would when I signed up.  It wasn't my worst 10K time (by 6 seconds), but it was far from my best, by like 11 minutes.  Although I was frustrated with my performance, I was still proud of myself for getting out there and running even though I wasn't feeling it and had just recovered from a stomach bug.

Photo Credit to the amazing friend mentioned above

I took Sunday and Monday off from running but was back at it this morning.  I transitioned from my 10K plan into the Team World Vision Marathon Base Training Plan, which is currently 35 minutes of 3 min run/1 min walk intervals.  I like to tell myself that I'm better than that, that I can run straight for 35 minutes, but the honest truth is, right now, I can't.

I've been living in this world of "Bare Minimum" for a while now, not just in running, but in life.  Running my first marathon last fall definitely required more than my bare minimum in terms of time commitment, but when I'm actually out running, I'm just doing the bare minimum required to finish.  Even though my bare minimum proves to be extremely challenging some days, I know that I have more in me. 

So today I set out to do my 35 minute run with 3:1 intervals and my goal was to push myself hard on the running intervals.  Over the winter I had been pushing myself on the treadmill, getting my running speed up, but the transition to the road has not gone well.  I would imagine the transition from the treadmill to the road is a lot harder the heavier you are because your legs are working so much harder to move your body without the help of the belt.  I have no scientific evidence to back this up, it just seems like it would be the case to me…..but then again, I like to make excuses. 

As I was in the middle of one of my running intervals, my legs were burning and I wanted to stop so bad.  I took Lena (our dog) with and she was dragging behind me, so I knew it was fast for her too, but I was determined to keep going.  I just kept telling myself, "You have to do hard things if you want to get better".  I haven't been doing many hard things lately and I haven't been getting better at anything.  Even though I've lost 100+ pounds, I feel like I did it doing the bare minimum.  I still have 70 or so pounds to go and bare minimum isn't going to cut it anymore.  Bare minimum isn't going to get me relief.  It is time to do hard things, and not eating what I want to eat is a really hard thing for me. 

I have always given my all at work and school, but for some reason, when it comes to things that only impact me, I get lazy.  I'm not sure if this is from low self-esteem or a people pleasing nature, but it is what it is and I'm aware of it now and trying to move forward.  

I started thinking about how it is easier for me to run with walk intervals in between.  My pace is always better, even with the walking, than if I just flat out run.  I believe this is because I push myself harder knowing that relief is coming.  Then it hit me, I run because I want to be that relief for the women and children that walk for hours each day just to get dirty water.  I can do hard things so that they can have relief from their daily water walk and the disease and safety threats that come with it.

Jesus did the hardest thing to give us the ultimate relief.  He was beaten, mocked, betrayed and killed so that we could have life.  He gave us everything he had and if we want to be like him, we need to give a whole lot more than our bare minimum in places that actually matter.  We need to give our all in matters of poverty and justice, bare minimum isn't enough when others are counting on us to be their relief.  It is what love requires of us.  (Micah 6:8)

As I was running this morning and feeling that burning in my legs and my chest, I was thinking about how hard it is to start running, especially for someone who is battling with being overweight.  I started thinking about all of the strong and beautiful women I know that God has moved to run with Team World Vision this year and I just felt so incredibly proud of every one of you.  Here is what I want you to know - Just by getting out there and having the courage to start, you are doing a hard thing.  It is easier to stay where you are comfortable, but you aren't.  You are doing hard things and relief will come, it might look different for every one of you, but it will come.   Even though I've been running for 3 years, it is still hard, but it is a different kind of hard, and it is still very much worth it.  So never give up, because you are doing hard things, and hard things lead to better things, and God withholds no good thing from us (Psalm 84:11), so just imagine what is in store for your obedience!

I can give it my all when it comes to running with Team World Vision, but that won't mean a thing unless I have people supporting me who are willing to get past bare minimum in terms of generosity.  I've been quiet about running this year because my husband signed up to run as well and I want people to give to him because he is taking an even bigger leap of faith than I took last year.  That being said, there are many people that I know that don't know him, so I’m still going big with my goal.  I'm hoping to raise  $3,000 which would provide enough money for 60 people to have clean water for life.  This is more than I raised last year, but I met my goal last year even though I thought it was impossible.  I’m kind of starting to believe this whole business about what is impossible with man being possible with God. (Matthew 19:26)  I believe God really wants everyone to have access to clean water and he is moving big time in the Twin Cities this year to make it happen.

So will you join me today in moving beyond the bare minimum on the things that make a difference if it means that you can only give the bare minimum on the things that don't?  (I'm looking at you Facebook, Instagram, Netflix and Hulu....you are getting my bare minimum from now on rather than my best.)  Can you do a hard thing and give up $50 or $100 dollars to provide clean water for someone else and be their relief?

http://www.teamworldvision.org/participant/tkasal

As I continued on my run, I began to pray

"God, thank you for being so patient with me.  Thank you for giving me unlimited chances to start over.  Thank you for going beyond bare minimum, thank you for giving me your all.  Please help me to give my all so that others can have relief.  Give me the strength to endure when I want to stop.  Help me move my focus away from my weaknesses and instead towards the strength I have in you and through you.  Help me remember why I run and help use my struggle for good.  Amen."

Old Habits Die Hard

So remember back on December 31st when I said I was going to post more and I was going to begin again....yeah, that hasn't been going so well.  But I'm back again today to make the same stinking declaration I've made to myself and to you many times before.

I intend to finish what I started instead of staying stuck here in a comfortable place for the rest of my life.

I'd been holding steady around 250 for quite a while.  I was doing great in January with running.  I was doing great on starting over with the Couch to 5K plan at a faster pace and then February hit and it was one virus after another, which lead into March which was a lot of the same including my first experience with shingles.  

I like to say that I'm really great at making excuses, and maybe I am, but the truth is, the past few months were really hard mentally and emotionally and I just needed some time to exist.  My anxiety has been out of control and my body is sending me really loud signals to tell me it isn't happy.   I have gotten so good at what I think is dealing with my anxiety, but I'm actually just ignoring it, but my body is still very aware.  Healthy 33 year old women don't get shingles unless their immune system is compromised by stress.  

I apparently get really worked up over really stupid things and I don't always even know it is happening.  A couple of weeks ago I was driving home from Verona, WI and I thought I'd stop in Wisconsin Dells at an outlet mall to do a little bit of shopping for myself.  I tried on a few things and didn't really like the way anything looked, so I decided to shop for my kiddos instead.  As I was shopping I started to get a stabbing pain in my back, right around my heart.  I thought it might be related to the shingles, but it was starting to concern me a little bit so I cut my shopping trip short and headed back to the car to call my husband.  As I called him to tell him what was going on, I just started sobbing and as soon as I hung up the phone I realized I was having an anxiety attack.....over clothes, or my complete inability to construct an outfit that looks remotely appealing.  Silly, silly things, but my mind can't seem to let them go.    

I've spent a lot of time these past few months praying frustrated prayers of being stuck and waiting for the strength to finally get out of this rut and get this thing done.  I feel like I have been stuck here for a very specific purpose, which has been to inspire other people who also don't look like your typical runner to run marathons with Team World Vision.  I know a handful of people who were inspired to run after hearing my story, so good has come of me being stuck, but now, I really want to move on.

I'm running my second marathon with Team World Vision in October.  I had really hoped to be faster so that I could run with the friends I had made last year who run at a faster pace, but instead, God has given me new friends to run with this year who already run at a pace closer to mine.  His plans are always so good.

That being said, I desperately want to lose some weight before October to make marathon number 2 easier on my body.  We went on a brief family vacation to St. Louis this week and I kind of allowed myself one too many indulgences and yesterday when I stepped on the scale it read 255.4....no bueno.  So I'm trying to get back on track, and I think it will be easier this time since my husband has decided to run the marathon with me.  I think tackling this sucker together is an answered prayer and I'm confident that God will be working in our lives and in our marriage to help us both overcome our dependence on food for pretty much everything.

I really need to get a grip on the quality and quantity of the food I'm eating but I haven't been able to come up with a meal plan or shopping list for the last two months.  I have tried, multiple times, but I just scroll relentlessly through recipe after recipe and nothing seems appealing.  I feel like I'm stuck in this place where I'm sick and tired of trying to make healthy food for my family that no one will eat and making food that isn't the best for us but that I know will get eaten.  I really don't want to compromise, so instead, I'm doing nothing at all.  If anyone has healthy recipes that are 3, 5 and 6 year old approved, send them my way!

Bottom line, I'm tired of being stuck where I am, I want to move forward, but like I said, I'm tired and having a hard time finding the energy and motivation I need to move forward.  I keep praying for a breakthrough.  God gave me one before and I'm sure he'll do it again when the time is right, I just hope that might be some time soon.

So thanks for sticking with me even though it is inconsistent and not always super uplifting, but if nothing else, it is real, and I always appreciate that.  

I do find time to smile every once in a while.

Transformation Tuesday Truth

Ah, Transformation Tuesday.  The day each week that Instagram blows up with people showing off their weight loss progress.


I used to be a fan.  I used to get really excited seeing other people's progress because it made me believe that I could be successful too.  And sure, I have had success. I'm down about 130 pounds from my highest weight and I finished a marathon in October.  I guess I look a bit better too.

But if I'm honest with myself, when I look at these pictures and when I look in the mirror, I still don't see much of a difference.  That is what 30 some years of a really messed up self image will do to you.


I've always taken more comfort and found more strength in the "me too" than in the "wow, good for you", so I wanted to share the honest truth about my transformation, just in case there is someone else out there who isn't feeling all that great about their progress.


I don't think it ever hit me as hard as it is today.  As I was scrolling through pictures, I saw multiple people associating words like "depressed, sad, defeated, lazy" with their before pictures and words like "happy, confident, active" with their after.  I found myself getting angry with them for perpetuating the lie that I used to believe and that I'm sure others looking for a glimmer of hope will believe.


If I can just lose this weight, then I'll be happy.  


That, is a lie.


Weightloss does not magically bring happiness.  Weightloss does not guarantee confidence.  Weightloss does not cure depression.


Sure, losing weight can definitely get you headed down the right path to all of those things, but seeing a smaller number on the scale will not change those things. 


None of those things are going to come until you deal with whatever is going on inside your head.  This is a battle that I find myself fighting constantly.  Every time I feel like I've made progress, I somehow find myself right back where I started. 


It is really painful to admit that my problems with depression are bigger than my problems with weight.  They are, of course, directly related, but the weight has not caused the depression, the depression has caused the weight. 


Here is what I know; dealing with depression is far more difficult than losing weight.  Going to the gym is easy.  Being active is easy.  Facing the things that I have stuffed really deep down is hard and painful. 


It means I have to figure out why I started crying after seeing a bunch of dance teams at the Mall of America over the weekend.  It means I have to dig deeper into why I completely fell apart when a girl at my daughter's bus stop explained her feelings about going to her mom's house for the weekend.  It means I need to deal with my inability to feel any sense of self-worth.  It means digging into a lifetime of hurt. 


Those are not easy things.


Realizing that I'm probably not going to make any more progress with weight loss until I deal with these things has me feeling all kinds of emotions and none of them are all that pleasant. 


So there you have it.  Life is hard, everyone has a struggle, this is mine.  I keep praying for a breakthrough, praying that I'll stop feeling so broken some day.  Today may not be that day, but it doesn't mean that I've given up hope. I still have hope, and that is really all you need.


Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1 (ESV)


So if you are out there, hoping that one day you can be one of those transformations, just know this, true transformation isn't visible from the outside.  True transformation happens when you deal with the things going on inside your head.  I honestly believe that when you start to deal with those things, the rest will come. 


So don't lose hope, we have a God who is bigger than all of this and He is faithful.


For the  Lord  God is a sun and shield; the  Lord  bestows favor and honor.  No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11 (ESV)