Catching Up

I suppose I should probably write a new post or something.....it has been 23 days since the last one and that feels like a really long time ago.

We've been very busy since then.  Here are some of the highlights from that time

• Family trip to middle of nowhere Wisconsin July 2-4
• I don't have any pictures on this computer, but it was a lot of fun and also extremely exhausting.  Huge thank you to my brother-in-law for letting us join him in a BEAUTIFUL "cabin" that was much nicer and larger than our home.  It was nice to enjoy time with family and I even got out for a 4 mile run while we were there. 

• 4th of July Fireworks with the entire family
• I thought I had some pictures, but I can't seem to find them now.  Everyone survived and I got kind of emotional because it was the first time we've ever been able to go with the whole family

• James took a weekend trip to Wisconsin and I held down the fort 
• I may have bribed them with ice cream on Friday night....shhh....don't tell anyone, k

• I did The Color Run
• It was a blast.  I wasn't at all worried about time, I just wanted to have fun.  I ran with my friend Kelley and we had a great time.  I even found my Sister-in-Law and her family at the end of the race and we snapped a few pictures.  I completely recommend this as an active family activity or for someone who wants a good first 5K goal, so much fun and no pressure.  This is the first time I've actually run along side someone else for a race and it made the time fly by, I might have to find running partners more often.  I promised Rory that if she could walk/run three miles by this time next year she could do it with me.

• We enjoyed the wonderfully awful Ramsey County Fair.  I'd say it is the biggest disgrace for a county fair, but we went to one up in Two Harbors, MN once that was pretty terrible too.

 All three kiddos checking out some sheep

 Rory and Rage on the Helicopter Ride

 Rory and Rage on the 4 Wheeler Ride

 The coolest thing at the fair....a cow that you can "milk"

On our way home.  Her legs got tired.  Go figure.

• My baby turned 2 and we had a great family party with my niece who turned 1

 Oskar (2) and Etta (1)

 Our family (Thanks for such a great photo Chris!)

Two year difference for my little Oskar man

• I hurt my hip....trying to lay off running to recover but it doesn't really feel like it is improving.  No idea what happened.  It bothered me last summer but was fine for the fall, winter and spring.  Now it has returned with a vengeance.  

• I'm in Wisconsin for work for the next couple days
• I love my family, but it is kind of glorious to have time to myself for the next couple of days.  I plan on using every minute of it!

So other than that, not too much is going on.  I lost a ton of weight (close to 6 pounds) the 2nd week in July for no apparent reason and then I went completely off the rails and couldn't stop eating last week/weekend and gained pretty much all of it back.  I was bound and determined to make Monday a better day and have done a pretty good job of keeping things in line since then.  It was kind of scary how little control I had last week.  I consumed like 3,500 calories one day, which is 2,000 more than my goal.  I learned a lot from it and I'm looking forward.  I need a way to keep my hormones in check....guys, be thankful you don't have to deal with this lovely aspect of weight loss.

God has been working on softening my heart a lot lately.  I've been really bitter/angry with our work/family schedule lately and it has been taking a toll on our relationship. We're working through it and God is showing up big time.  The last two weeks at church our usual worship leader was out and the guy filling in for him just completely crushed me with his little devotional/talks before the final songs.  Both weeks I just cried during the last worship song because God used him to speak right to my heart with issues that were very present in my life that day.  I love my church.

On Oskar's actual birthday I was having a particularly rough evening because James was home with the kids during the day but had to work that night so he had to go to bed as soon as I got home and we didn't get to spend the evening as a family.  I know he needs to sleep so he can function at work, but I still let it bother me way too much.  I was feeling so alone because I just miss being able to spend time together as a family.  As I was tucking Rory in for bed, I was exhausted.  She asked me to read from a children's devotional book that I got for them and I told her it was too late, but she quickly reminded me of something I had once told her..."but Mommy, we always have time for God".  So glad I have my little accountability girl.  I found the entry for the day and started to read through it and had to stop to gain composure a couple of times.  Here is what it said

It is a pretty small picture, so in case you can't read it, Matthew 18:20 is the verse for the day

For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

The commentary goes on to say, "When you and your family pray before dinner, God is there. When you play outside with a friend in the world God created, God is there.  When you sing a song about God or thank him for all the great things he's given you, God is there.  So when you want to spend time with God, grab a friend.  Then invite God to join you."

It was a very needed reminder for me that day that I'm never alone.  God is always with me and I just felt like he was giving me a great big hug when I read this.  I'm so thankful that I have a little girl who loves Jesus so very much.  She is always asking questions that get us discussing God and how wonderful he is.  It is truly a blessing to have her around.

I think that about does it for now.  Not much else going on.  Thanks for reading!  Have a wonderful day!

What would a post be if I didn't share one of my favorite songs of late :-)

Community

Today was a good day.

I officially started training for the Monster Dash Half Marathon in October.  I'm starting with 5 weeks of base training to try and work on my speed a bit.  Today was my first run after taking an intentional week off of running.  I had three miles on the schedule and my goal was to run the entire time because that has been difficult for me lately for some reason.  After I got done with mile one, RunKeeper let me know that my pace was around 11:38 min/mile, which is fast for me, so I was a little nervous that I was going to end up needing a walk break because I started too fast.  Then mile two passed and my average pace was still in that range.  I was bound and determined to finish the last mile strong and was on the verge of puking when "Workout Complete" chimed in.  I was ridiculously happy when I looked at the overall average pace

That pace is like unheard of for me, especially when not on a treadmill.  I was so happy that taking a week break paid off.  It was a great way to kick off training.  I think in addition to the break, the other thing that helped was a much needed confidence booster last Friday.  I went to the gym in the morning and used the elliptical which has a pre-programmed "Fitness Test".  I decided to give it a shot because I was mostly there to lift and I wasn't sure how long it would take, so it was a good day to try it.  It ended up taking 30 minutes and at the end it said "Well Above Average".  I have always considered myself well below average in terms of fitness, so it was kind of nice to have a machine tell me I'm not as horrible as I think I am.

Here is a basic overview of what the test does

Silly that I feel validated by a standardized test on a piece of gym equipment, but that is me.

Last night I finally finished the book, The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne

The book has been out for a few years, but I'm a bit behind on books that I want to read because it takes me forever to finish them.  This one took me about four months because the only time I typically get to read is right before bed and I usually get one page in and fall asleep.  Last night I was determined to finish, so I jumped on our recumbent bike and started reading.

Shane's honesty, faith and courage are remarkable and the stories he shares are inspiring.  I don't agree with his views on everything, but I admire and respect his opinions.  He paints such a wonderful picture of what it truly means to love others like God has called us to do.

The one theme in the book that really stuck with me and has left me craving something more in my life, was the display of genuine, Biblical community that Shane seems to be a part of, no matter where he goes.

Shane is part of a an intentional community (commune) in Philadelphia called The Simple Way and so many of his stories about how they live is very appealing to me.  I first heard about The Simple Way a few years ago because a band I listen to is also a part of it (mewithoutyou....not for everyone, but I enjoy them very much).

I think community, not in a geographical context, but in a relational context, is an extremely beautiful and necessary thing.  I feel like a lack of true community has been detrimental to our generation and the cause of so many of the issues that seem to be in the news.

I don't know if it is just a Minnesota/Midwest thing, my husband tells me that it is, I've never lived anywhere else, but I think for most people around here, community = family and a few select friends, typically ones known since high school.  It isn't often that I encounter people, myself included, who are part of a community that isn't largely comprised of their families.

I was thinking about what kinds of things are lost when we don't have strong communities, mentorship and accountability were the two big things that stuck out in my mind.  So much of modern technology and comforts birthed out of the industrial age have made us self sufficient, rarely needing to tap into community resources or relationships. 

Please don't mistake this for a love of communism or socialism, that is not at all what I'm talking about.  I don't believe that the government should play a part in any of this....I think the government has been part of the reason that true community has died.  The community that I envision is one born out of a common love for God, a desire to serve others, and a belief that we are all given different gifts to be part of one body, the body of Christ.

I feel like we are missing so much by not placing a higher value on community.  I think marriages would be better, people would be less stressed, God would be honored, life would be more meaningful.

I was never one of those girls who had a ton of friends.  I have always had a lot of acquaintances, people I had surface level conversations with, but never really going much farther than that.  It has always been quality rather than quantity for me and I'm honestly not very great at that either.  As I have mentioned before, friendship and social interaction in general is really difficult for me and always has been.  I am super introverted and maintaining relationships requires a lot of energy from me, energy which I have never really had.  Perhaps it was because I never really understood the value of developing deep relationships, but I am starting to understand them now....and at 31 years of age, how and where do you start?

This is a strange phenomenon I experience on a daily basis.  God has given me interests, skills, passions and abilities that if plotted on a spectrum, would be polar opposites.  I find my head warring with my heart constantly.  Two of my top spiritual gifts are mercy and discernment.  They generally don't go together and with so many of the big political/social events in the news lately, I find myself holding political and theological debates in my head.

I get stuck in my head a lot.  Very little actually makes it the short distance from my grey matter to my tongue (or fingers) because in the time it would take to get it out, I've already talked myself out of it.  Community is one of these areas for me.  I refuse to keep my thoughts in my head this time.  (Seriously, I frantically scribbled most of this post out into my journal last night in bed because I needed my brain to stop).  

My struggle with community is that I love it, I think it is great.  I want to do something to start building a community in my life.  But then the reality of my introverted, full time working, mom of three kids under five with a history of social anxiety starts to win the battle and I am left daydreaming about it rather than making it a reality.  

Relationships take time.  Building a community requires a lot of interpersonal communication and without the comfort of a computer screen, I'm pretty much mute.

One on one meaningful conversations are hard for me, but I'm feeling very challenged in this area lately.  I feel like God is needing me to grow here and I keep dragging my feet.  I was doing a You Version study last week called Authentic Bible Study by James MacDonald.  One of the days referenced Psalms 119:105

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path

Sometimes for me, learning scripture through song can be damaging (thank you Amy Grant) because you never really take the time to comprehend what it means because it becomes so wrote.  I have sung that verse so many times in my life, but it never meant anything.  

When I read the verse this time, a light went off in my head and I actually got beyond the melody in my head and had a vision of what this is supposed to look like.  James MacDonald talks about decisions made in darkness without consulting God's Word and how damaging they can be.  Alternatively, God's Word shows us the next step like a headlamp leading you down the path to the bathroom when camping. 

We don't have to stumble and fall or be stopped by obstacles.  He gives us a light to follow, His word shows us the way.  If we follow the commands and the words that he has given us, then we will always be taking the right path, even if it may seem like an extended detour at times.

I guess what I am saying is that I need to start trusting in the path that is in front of me.  The path of building relationships and experiencing community, because it is without a doubt the path I am being led down.  God didn't mean for us to be alone, there are all kinds of scriptural evidence to support me getting out of my comfort zone and into a place where I need to trust Him to light my path.

I think the realization I'm coming to is that, for me, taking up my cross means giving up my tendency to be quiet and keep to myself.  I need to start engaging in more conversations and actually start building a community.  I'd be lying if I said that doesn't scare me. 

I need to die to my comfort.  No more avoiding conversations by working with my headphones in, ducking down halls or keeping my eyes down.  I need to connect, start conversations, get more information, go beyond the weather and weekend plans.

My prayer last night was this

God, help me confidently get out of the tent.  Help me step out of the darkness and trust in the path that you are lighting for me.  May your light shine bright before me, within me and behind me, wherever WE go.  Amen

I realize this post is extremely fragmented and I don't expect this to make a lot of sense to many people.  I don't expect people to share the same enthusiasm that I do.  But I needed to get this out there because I need some accountability with this.  I need people reminding me that life isn't about my comfort.  But, if you do understand this, if you have this same desire for true community, let me know!  I would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.  Have a wonderful 4th of July!