New Years Eve 2012

Well, the end of 2012 is upon us and 2013 is right around the corner.  2012 has been a good year for me, but I'm looking forward to working on goals in 2013 (more to come on that).

I wanted to do a quick post on the eve of the Polar Dash 5K.  It will be an interesting race given the estimated temperature for tomorrow

Race time is 11:13 for the 5K, so it will be brisk, but better than the 10K and Half Marathon folks get.

I started running with music again so decided to make a playlist specifically for the race

1) Good Morning - Mandisa & Toby Mac
2) Keep Your Eyes Open - needtobreathe
3) Dark Horses - John Foreman
4) It's Time - Imagine Dragons
5) Fire Fire - Flyleaf
6) You Won't Know - Brand New
7) You Know Me - Bethel Music Loft Sessions
8) The Arms of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage
9) Forever Reign - Passion
10) How He Loves - David Crowder Band

I still have a goal of finishing in under 37 minutes or 12:00 minute miles, but if it doesn't happen, I'm not going to be too heartbroken since running a 5K on the 1st of January in Minnesota is a pretty good start to the year.  If you would have asked me January 1st 2012 what I'd be doing a year from then, I definitely wouldn't have said running a 5K.

I'll be back with a race recap tomorrow!  Wish me luck and pray for warmth!

  

Made to Crave

I've been promising a review of the book Made toCrave by Lysa TerKeurst for quite some time and I'm finally going to follow through on it today!

When I set out on this journey to start living a healthier life, I knew that I needed to first change my heart and turn to God in the times when I was instead turning to food.  Little did I know that there was already a book all about this!  As the extended title says, Made to Crave is a book about Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food.

I was really excited when I found out about the book because I had read some of Lysa's blogs on the Proverbs 31 website and enjoyed her sense of humor and candor.  Candor is probably the most admirable quality that I find in other people, so I am always excited to find another woman who loves Jesus who isn't afraid to expose their inner dialogue…this is very much Lysa.

The book is formatted to be done in a Bible study/small group format with reflection questions at the end of each chapter, but I just read it by myself.  I think it would be VERY helpful to do with a group of ladies because the challenge questions at the end of each chapter are really great. 

I think this book is one that I will keep around and read through when I start to forget who I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing.  It was a very quick read and will be easy to go back to, even if it is just a chapter here and a chapter there.  I am very aware that changing my thinking isn't going to happen overnight, I spent 30 years using food as my "go-to" for every emotion when instead I should be turning to God, so keeping this book around will be helpful to get me back there when I forget.

Another part of the book that I really like is that Lysa put all of the verses that she references in the book in one nice little section at the back of the book.  As I was reading through the chapters, when I came across a verse I liked, I would look it up in YouVersion and bookmark it so that I could have it at my fingertips in a moment of weakness, but I didn't highlight them in my actual Bible, so it was nice to have them all at the end to go back and do that.

What I like most about this book is that it isn't an "eat this, do that and then life will be grand" kind of book.  Lysa does talk about her no-sugar eating plan, but is very clear that what she did may not work for everyone.  She restricted certain foods completely from her diet and I know that things like that don't work for me and aren't going to solve my problem because I don't necessarily crave certain foods, I just want lots of it!  So for me, watching my calories and paying attention to the calorie content of the food I am eating is much more important. 

If you struggle with food, I HIGHLY recommend reading this book because it helps you understand why you do what you do and helps you learn how to change your behaviors with solid Biblical truths.  I know some people have a hard time with the word "sin", but it is a reality and this book was very helpful in helping me realize when eating becomes more than nourishing my body and instead sinful behavior.   

Top 10 Favorite Quotes from the Book

• "…what we're craving will always depend on what-ever we're consuming … the object of our desire or God and His truth." (Pg 24)

• "God never intended for us to want anything more than we want Him." (Pg 29)

• "Food had become like a drug.  And honestly, it's a good drug choice for a Christian woman.  Every church event I attended readily provided my drug out in the open with no hesitation or judgement." (Pg 37)
• I am pretty sure I shouted,  "Amen!" after I read that.  This is why it is soooo difficult to overcome this battle.  Normally, when you are trying to overcome a problem, you abstain from it, but food is EVERYWHERE!!!  No one thinks twice about offering food to you and often times, well meaning people will provide me with an rationale to enjoy something delicious that I don't really need.  "Oh, just this once won't hurt."  "You have to be bad sometimes."  "You deserve it." …we would never say these kinds of things to someone trying to overcome an alcohol or drug addiction, but I feel like there is always pressure to try food.

• "Being ruled by something other than God diminishes our commitment and will make us feel increasingly distant from Him." (Pg 66)

• "The more I made running about spiritual growth and discipline, the less I focused on the weight.  Each lost pound was not a quest to get skinny but evidence of obedience to God." (Pg 89)
• ….quoted the girl who just went for a run in 20 degree weather (Please pray for unseasonably warm weather on January 1st!!!!)

• "Our flesh buys right into Satan's lie that it's not fair for things to be withheld from us.  So we bite into the forbidden fruit and allow Satan to write "shame" across our heart."  (Pg 100)
• So glad I'm not the only one who feels this way.  This pretty much explains my "Hangry" post

• "If my happy was missing when I was larger, it will still be missing when I get smaller." (Pg 120)
• I think this is SO important.  Fitting into a certain size or seeing a certain number on the scale isn't going to provide happiness.  I feel like so many women put their bodies through hell to try and find happiness this way and it is fleeting….makes me sad for them. 

• "So, I'm not on a diet.  I'm on a journey with Jesus to learn the fine art of self-discipline for the purpose of holiness."  (Pg 158)
• Exactly. 

• "Pursuing holiness means God is the only One we should long for; want greatly; desire eagerly.  The only One worthy of worship." (Pg 173)
• And what a good God he is

• "I've tasted the deep satisfaction of God and I know all other things are but cheap imitations.  And I don't want to be enamored by the lesser things wrought with momentary pleasure." (Pg 174)
• I think this is probably the most important thing that I need to remember when I feel like giving in. 

There are SO MANY more great thoughts, ideas and stories in this book, but these are the ones that impacted me the most.  Like I said before, if you struggle at all with food, PLEASE do yourself a huge favor and read this book!!    

What a difference 4 years can make

Well, I promised pictures.  I only have one new picture, I was hoping for more, but I've had a sick little dude for the past couple of days and I'm starting to get the lovely crud that he has so there hasn't been much accomplished the past few days in our home.

This is how I spent my day on Thursday

Here is a picture of me on Thanksgiving 4 years ago with my daughter, Rory.  (Yes, daughter, we bought the outfit before we knew if baby was a boy or girl)

I think I was probably around 370 or something like that, I still had some pregnancy weight at this point, which I don't count in my weight loss totals because it just doesn't seem right. 

Here we are last Sunday on our way out the door to the Disney on Ice show. 

 

 

Getting to the show proved to be an interesting experience, or "adventure" as my husband decided to call it.  We got about 10 inches of snow last weekend and it was still snowing as we headed out.  The roads were HORRIBLE to say the least, but I headed out and made it safely to downtown Minneapolis, where there happened to be a Vikings game getting out at the exact same time.  I texted James from a stoplight and he looked me up on google latitude and quickly gave me a follow up phone call...."Hun, where are you?  The show is at the Xcel (in St. Paul)."  Insert mass hysteria and panic on my end at that point.

 

I didn't look at the stupid tickets.  James purchased them, I printed them out, but never paid any attention to where it was.  It was at the Target center last time, so I just assumed it was there again this time.  So there we were, downtown Minneapolis, supposed to be in downtown St. Paul and it was 4:30 and the show started at 5:00.  Traffic was at a standstill with the unplowed roads and I had a complete breakdown.  I felt so helpless because I was just stuck, we had moved about a car length in 20 minutes.  I finally decided to take some side roads and hope that I could find an alternate entrance to any highway.  We finally made it to the show during the intermission so at least we saw the last half, and Rory didn't really know any different, so we still had a good time.

 

Yesterday I decided to get outside for a run, I had 4 miles on the schedule and the weather was pretty decent so I was looking forward to a little bit of time to myself.  About 3/4 miles into my run my phone rang, it was James and he had locked himself out of the house with our sick son.  So I turned around and headed back home to let them in and then did another short run around our neighborhood.  It felt really good, I like running in the cold weather (thanks, Kelley, for the heads up on the Cuddle Duds, made a WORLD of difference).  My goal for the Polar Dash is to have 12:00 minute miles or less and I was very close yesterday on a nice and easy run, so I'm hopeful that it will happen.  

 

Eating this week was a bit of a challenge for me.  I hate hormones....I will leave it at that.  I need to learn to find a way to keep control even when everything in my body is screaming for more.

 

That is all for now, enjoy the day!   

Darkness vs Light

It is a rainy day here in Minnesota.  It matches my mood pretty perfectly.  I still can't shake the senseless school shooting in Connecticut yesterday.  I've been off since seeing the news story flash across my screen.  I instantly started praying, begging Jesus to come back and end all of this, but then I heard that ever famous still small voice say to me "not yet, there are still so many that need saving."  26 lives lost is extremely tragic, but the number of people out there who either don't know of or refuse to accept God's free gift of grace is far greater. 

I started to think about Matthew 5

 

Salt and Light

13"You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people's feet.  "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.  Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.16In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven."

 

 

We need to be the light so badly right now.  There is so much darkness, darkness at a time when we are looking forward to celebrate the arrival of Jesus, the light of the world.  I feel like we, as "the Church", need to do a better job of being the light, especially in our own communities.  There is so much work to be done in parts of the world where there is extreme poverty, but I've just been feeling a pull to be a light in the community I live in.  I think it is so easy to just go through life being complacent, not looking into the eyes of the people that we pass by, just going about our business.  Behind each of those eyes is a person, a soul, a life that Jesus died for.  I need to start paying more attention. 

 

A friend of my sister's posted something by Max Lucado that I really liked, it spoke to me

 

Dear Jesus,
It's a good thing you were born at night. This world sure seems dark. I have a good eye for silver linings. But they seem dimmer lately.
These killings, Lord. These children, Lord. Innocence violated. Raw evil demonstrated.

The whole world seems on edge. Trigger-happy. Ticked off. We hear threats of chemical weapons and nuclear bombs. Are we one button-push away from annihilation?
Your world seems a bit darker this Christmas. But you were born in the dark, right? You came at night. The shepherds were nightshift workers. The Wise Men followed a star. Your first cries were heard in the shadows. To see your face, Mary and Joseph needed a candle flame. It was dark. Dark with Herod's jealousy. Dark with Roman oppression. Dark with poverty. Dark with violence.
Herod went on a rampage, killing babies. Joseph took you and your mom into Egypt. You were an immigrant before you were a Nazarene.
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Oh, Lord Jesus, you entered the dark world of your day. Won't you enter ours? We are weary of bloodshed. We, like the wise men, are looking for a star. We, like the shepherds, are kneeling at a manger.
This Christmas, we ask you, heal us, help us, be born anew in us.

Hopefully,
Your Children

 

 

It gets harder and harder for me to trust that God will keep my kiddos safe as they go into this world without me.  I want so badly to just keep them inside these four walls where I can prevent the evils of the world from them. 

 

I hope you will join me in being the light.  If you know of any great ways to make an impact in the Minneapolis/St. Paul community, please share them in the comments section.  I am really looking for something that isn't just a quick, one day, flippant involvement, I want something real, something that will connect me with people who I can't forget about the minute I enter back into my own little world.

 

Also, If you live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area and have thought about going to church but just don't know where to start, consider this your invitation to join my family for Christmas services.  You can e-mail me for details if you are at all interested. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Half Way - 93 Pounds Gone

This week I hit an exciting milestone in my weight loss journey, I have passed the half way mark.  I have a goal of losing 183 pounds and as of this morning, I am down 93 pounds, currently weighing in at 262.0.

October and November were rough months.  I didn't make much progress and was stuck in a rut.  Once I completed the Twin Cities 10K, I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do with myself and to be honest, I thought I'd feel a lot more satisfaction from completing that race than I actually did so I found myself feeling a bit depressed.

I have been reading "Made to Crave" as I have mentioned many times before.  I'm almost through the book and reading it has helped me so much.  I'm going to be dedicating a full post to that once I finish.

I managed to not go completely crazy with eating over Thanksgiving, but still managed to gain about 4 pounds.  I re-gained and lost the same 4 pounds over and over again since then, but I think they are finally gone now. 

I'm hoping to have some new progress pictures up at some point this weekend.  I've been training for the Polar Dash 5K on New Years Day.  I've been doing pretty much all of my training runs on the treadmill and I need to be brave and get outside one of these days so that my lungs get used to running in the cold.  It is just so hard to find a time when it isn't completely dark….I'm not a fan of bats swooping around my head. 

Life has just been busy with Thanksgiving and getting ready for Christmas and all fun activities that that entails.  James and I were standing by our refrigerator looking at something last night and I asked what the date was and he referenced the dry erase weekly family planner that I bought in an attempt to be somewhat organized with our comings and goings as well as meal plans.  It still shows the week of November 11th, my last post was November 17th.  I kind of feel like I've been treading water trying to stay afloat since then. 

So, rather than give you all the details on what I've been up to, here are a few pictures.  

Nickelodeon Universe Birthday Fun!

 Turtley Awesome

Too much excitement...he missed out on some good Fro-Yo

 I replaced the bathtub faucet valve all by myself

First snowfall the day after Thanskgiving 

Visiting some sheep on my Aunt and Uncle's farm 

 AmericInn Slumber Party!

3rd Birthday Party....he wasn't too excited about the picture

Thanks for reading (and for being patient), hopefully I'll be back with another post in less than three weeks.  

Saaaattttuuuurrrrrrdaaaaaaaay

You'll have to excuse the title of this post, it was the first thing that came to my head and it is from an old Fallout Boy song by the same name.   

I thought I'd do a quick update on where my head/body is at right now.

As my last couple of blogs have indicated, I have been lacking in the motivation department lately.  I've gained back 3 pounds, but I'm hoping they will come back off quickly.  So I'm sitting at 269 right now after being at 266 and I'm not very happy with it, but it is what it is. 

I haven't been eating like crazy, but I haven't been tracking calories either.  I think I just hit a wall and I'm trying very hard to get over it.

I started reading Made to Crave last night and I'm hoping that it will help me get back on track.  I need to find my "want to" as Lysa puts it.  I know what it is deep down, but sometimes I loose focus. 

I started Week 5 of the Couch to 5K on Monday with the walking portions at 5mph and the running at 6mph.  I was about 7 minutes in and my hips decided they were done.  It is Saturday and they still hurt.  I'm hoping to get back on the treadmill tomorrow and slow it down a bit. 

I just signed up for the Polar Dash 5K.  It is on New Years Day and I'm running it with one of my good friends, so I think it will be a lot of fun.  I'm praying that it isn't ridiculously cold that day. 

I was talking to James last night and I am contemplating setting a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal), an idea Jim Collins came up with.  The 10K was a BHAG for me this year, and I did that.  My BHAG for 2013, is to run the Monster Dash Half Marathon.  It is a GINORMOUS goal, but I need to have those to keep me motivated.  I also need to publicly profess them, even if it leaves some of you saying, "yeah, that isn't going to happen".  I like big hairy audacious goals because it pushes me to grow.

I think part of the reason why I've struggled the past month or so is because I lost focus of what the main goal was here.  My main goal was to get healthy, transform my life and do it with God's help so that he could be glorified.  I haven't been partnering with Him very well in this area of my life, so it is time to get back there. 

I read something yesterday that I really enjoyed by John Piper.  I shared it with the group of volunteers that I "coach" at church and I wanted to share it with you as well.  So here it is.  (If you use You Version, his comments are from the 15 Days Days in the Word with John Piper reading plan.)

As I've been reading through the Bible lately, I've been trying to pay very close attention to how Christ wants us to interact with our neighbors. Perhaps it is because my main spiritual gift is mercy, but I've been feeling God stirring in my heart lately to make His love known to all people. I think there are so many people hurting that desperately need God, but you would never know it. So many "ones" that we can be praying for.

As I've been reading, I keep coming back to the verses that refer to the body of Christ as salt and light. I've been doing a You Version study by John Piper and he just happened to reference many of these verses today. Mark 9:50 was particularly notable for me ; "Salt is good, but if the salt has lost its saltiness, how will you make it salty again? Have salt in yourselves, and be at peace with one another."

Piper goes on to suggest what he believes it means to be the salt and the light and I really enjoyed what he said: "to be the salt of the earth and the light of the world means that at root Christians are so profoundly satisfied by Christ as our eternal reward, we are freed from fear and greed for the sacrifices of love, and are able to rejoice at persecution. When the world sees this, they see the glory of Christ and taste the satisfying pleasure of who he is."

I want so desperately for others to see this in me. I have a lot of work to do, but I am thankful that we worship a God who offers us grace upon grace and keeps giving us opportunities to get it right. I pray that Christ is always enough to keep me satisfied.

So that is that.  Have a great Saturday.  Thanks for reading even though I get "stuck" sometimes. 

Lonely

It has been a rough weekend for me emotionally.  I am so overwhelmed with life right now and not doing a very good job at trusting God.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to stop worrying about things and just trust that God's got my back.  He's always had it before, so why would this time be any different.  There are some great words in Luke regarding this that I have to remind myself of every time I find myself in a funk like this:

"22And he said to his disciples, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. 23For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried 30For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12: 22-31 (ESV)

 

 I would have added so many hours to my life if being anxious actually did add hours. 

I know that the words that Jesus spoke to his disciples are true and I very much believe them, but I struggle so much with living it.  I usually do ok on a day to day basis and then every once in a while, everything just piles up and one small thing will throw me over the edge....like tiles falling off of our bathroom wall. 

Last night three tiles fell off of the wall by our bathtub.  The day before I had noticed water dripping onto the basement floor below our bathroom.  If we were anymore underwater on our mortgage, we'd all need dive gear.  Our furnace is on it's last leg.  Our van needs some serious work.  I have no idea how to parent my middle child.  The scale is moving the wrong direction.   

Too much.

In the grand scheme of things, all of these things are so small.  We have a roof over our heads.  We have food to eat.  I have healthy children to parent, a husband who loves me and the best family a girl could as for.  But most of all, I have a God who provides.

Even with all of this, I struggle.

After lunch I had put the boys down for their nap and I was waiting for Rory to finish cleaning up her spot.  She started talking about feelings and people being happy or sad.  I asked her if she thought I was happy or sad and she said "I think you are lonely".  We hadn't even talked about anyone being lonely.  She quickly changed her answer to be "happy", but the minute the word lonely came out of her mouth, the tears welled up in my eyes.

My 4 year old girl is very in tune with her momma.  She was dead on.

Even though my life is full of love, sometimes I'm just really lonely.  It is really difficult to not have the same days off as my husband.  Even though we get to spend every evening together, life is so frantic that we are usually both just trying to get things done and don't have a lot of quality time to spend together.  I miss him on the weekends, I do get very lonely.  It is so silly feeling lonely in a house with three kiddos, but that is where I'm at.  I saw a quote that made so much sense to me today

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word, loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word, solitude to express the glory of being alone." --Paul Tillich

It is so true.  Sometimes there is glory in being along and sometimes there is anguish. 

It is times like this that I am just forced to lean into Jesus and face the truth that I was not made for this world

¹⁷ Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹ Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:17-21 (ESV)

I am lonely because I yearn for a life in heaven with my heavenly father.  This is not my home.

I have to make the choice each day to not set my mind on earthly things. I have to make a conscious decision to not worry about the things in this world that pile up and bring me anxiety.  I have to choose daily to not make my belly my god.  Being a Christian doesn't mean that life is always unicorns and rainbows, it just means that I can find peace and trust in a God that will never forsake me.  I will probably always struggle with this, but God has a plan and a purpose for that as well.

^"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 (ESV) 

God will use my weakness for His glory.  It is a beautiful thing.   

Fresh Ears

I'd love to tell you what day it is on the Daniel Fast, but the truth is the minute after I hit publish on my last blog entry, I walked into the kitchen and ate one of my mom's infamous banana bars.  Disappointing, not just for me, but I'm sure for all of you reading and pulling for me behind the scenes.  I have been saying from day 1 of this adventure that I didn't want to do anything that wasn't sustainable and there is just no way I could sustain eating that way, for a variety of reasons, so my heart just wasn't in it.  I really wanted it to be because James really was committed to doing it, but I just wasn't there.  It always seems to be that way for us on this whole getting healthy journey, one is weak while the other is strong. 

I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that I learned tonight that I'm not alone in my consistent disappointing and self defeating choices.  People have been doing this same thing since the beginning of time.  I was watching the first sermon in the latest North Point series, Free, tonight as I was on the treadmill and Andy Stanley based much of his sermon off of these verses:
 
15For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. 16Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. 17So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. 19For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. 20Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. Romans 7:15-20 (ESV)

I've heard/read this before, but tonight it finally clicked.  I love how God gives us fresh ears to hear and understand things that we've heard before in a new way.  Paul is quite wordy with this, but basically, what it sums up to be is that the reason we all keep doing the stupid stuff that we know we shouldn't do is because sin is in us.  We are sinful and the only person who can do anything about it is Jesus.  We desperately need Jesus.  I desperately need Jesus.

I recently recommended the book Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst without having read it myself.  I have heard good things about Lysa and love Proverbs 31, so I figured it would be good.  After my friend told me how great it was, I decided to do some more investigation and bought it for myself.  I signed up for the 21 Day Challenge and have been getting daily e-mails....can I say refreshing?  Seriously, Lysa has already completely done and documented everything I am trying to do.  It was kind of a huge relief to know that I don't have to try and figure this out on my own and know that so many people struggle with the same thing.  I'm trying to finish up another book before I dive into it, but I'm hoping to start it soon.

I'm hoping that while reading the book I will get a second wind in my efforts because I feel like I've been puttering around like the little old timey cars at amusement parks for the past couple of months.  I guess it kind of makes sense to be at this point right now since I'm nearly at the halfway mark. 

I need a fresh start, especially after the past week/weekend.  I wouldn't say that I went crazy, I didn't eat a ton, I just didn't make the best choices.  It is hard to make good choices when there are birthday celebrations going on!  

We had a birthday party for my daughter yesterday.  She requested a pony cake (which turned into a unicorn) and macaroni and cheese.  When I think of macaroni and cheese, I think of John Legend.  He shared his family recipe with Martha Stewart a few years ago on her show and it quickly became my favorite mac and cheese recipe.  It isn't a recipe that you will find on any diet blogs, but it is quite delicious.  I decided to go with a southern soul food vibe for the rest of the menu and made cornbread, chicken strips and calico beans to go with it.  There weren't any leftovers, which I was very happy about for many reasons.  I love cooking for my family because it gives me an opportunity to make things that I love and want to have a little taste of without having a bunch left.

The cake, well, Rory was pleased with it, which is I guess all that matters, but I won't be making cake decorating a new hobby anytime soon.

 

no birthday is complete without silly face pictures



 

I love my little girl.  I have to be successful in this transformation for her (and her brothers).  She had her 4 year well child check last week and her doctor is already concerned about her BMI and we have to go back in three months for a follow up appointment.  What bothered me most about the doctors comments was that she immediately assumed that she spends all day in front of the television. We have been so intentional about not having our kids in front of the tv, we don't even have a tv in our living room. Not all people who are overweight are lazy and I hate that assumption that we are.

She is proportional, but a big girl just like her mom.  A girl who loves chocolate and carbohydrates, just like her mom.  A girl who has already been caught multiple times sneaking food, just like her mom.  I don't want her to go through school hating herself, just like her mom.  I need to model a healthy life for her.  I need to make sure that she knows that she is beautiful just the way she is.  In my conversations with her, I just keep explaining that she can't have another treat because we need to make sure her body is healthy.  I want to associate everything regarding the choices we make about food and exercise to be about health and not about appearance.  

As always, thanks for reading and allowing me an outlet to be completely transparent.  I very much appreciate it.        
          

He will never fail us

The Daniel Fast continues, except I don't really think I'm going to call it a fast anymore.  I don't feel like I'm fasting, I feel like we've just modified our eating to be like the allowed foods on the Daniel Fast.  On Sunday, I decided I was going to take a half day break from the fast because my dad was coming for a visit and I was making lunch for more than just my kiddos.  I made spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic bread.  I feel like it is rude to prepare something for other people and then not eat it myself, so I joined them.  Later on Sunday, we went to a Halloween deal at my mom's church and we got the kiddos some food.  They didn't eat much and I hadn't eaten yet and I feel awful wasting food, so I ate half of a hamburger and some coleslaw. 

a sad little bear

spidey rocking the bean bag toss

I was back on track yesterday though and have been doing well today.  I'm actually quite pleased with the amount of control I've exercised the past few days.  My mom sent banana bars and banana bread home with us and I haven't touched them.  Her banana bars are pretty much my favorite treat and I usually can't stop myself once I've had one.  I have also stayed far away from Halloween candy.  I don't think I've ever made it to October 30th without completely gorging myself on Halloween candy before.

I know I've mentioned this many times before, but I'm really trying to focus on becoming more prayerful lately.  When I pray, I try to use the P.R.A.Y. method to help keep me focused. 

Praise - Worship and Adoration for God

Repent - Confessing all of the yucky stuff I've done and in my heart

Ask - Specific requests for areas you need God to show up

Yield - Acknowledging that even though this is what you want, God is in control and you are ok with that...basically saying "not my will, but yours"

I found myself feeling like I was being disingenuous during the praise portion of my prayer the other day and it has bothered me since then.  It obviously reveals some things about where my heart is at right now and I am struggling with it.  I know and trust that God is sovereign, mighty, powerful, merciful, awesome, etc.  As as I was proclaiming these words, I had to stop and ask myself if I actually felt that way.  To be completely honest, I had to answer no.  Even though I know that God is all of these things and in my heart I believe them, I have a really hard time feeling it.  I kind of felt that if I haven't truly experienced and felt these attributes of God, then I shouldn't be saying them.

I spent a long time talking with Him to help me be aware of these things so that I can genuinely proclaim them and fully feel them in my heart.  I asked him to help me identify what is going on in my heart that is preventing me from feeling these things.  I'm still waiting to fully figure that out, but I did find a very specific way to pray, the exact same way that Moses prayed in Exodus 33:18 - Moses said, "Please, show me your glory." 

I am faithfully praying that God will show me His glory.  This requires me to be more aware of what He is doing in my life and not taking credit for it myself.  As someone who is by nature an achiever, it is so easy for me to take credit for things but when I stop and look back, it is so plain to see that God had his hand in it.

We sang the song "God is Able" by Hillsong on Sunday morning at church.  We've sung it many times before and I really love it, but this time as I was watching the lyrics on the screen and singing along, I completely broke down

God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us

I just stood there and cried and prayed for the remainder of the song because I couldn't form any words through my quivering lips.  I fully know, feel and believe with all of my heart that God will never fail us because He has never failed me.  He is answering me and showing me His glory.  He is unfailing and I can proudly pray that, so we're off to a start. 

Now I'm off to bake a birthday cake for my little girl.  She turns four years old tomorrow and I can hardly believe it.  Four years ago today I was just starting to go into labor, so excited to be a mom for the very first time.  It is amazing how much can change in four years, and I am loving it!        

Coffee and Convenience

It is day number 5 on the Daniel Fast. 

Like I mentioned in a previous post, we are modifying the fast slightly and our main focus is on avoiding dairy, meat and preservatives.  James told me before we started the fast that he thought I should keep having my Nutella/Aldi Berryhill Hazelnut Spread in the morning since I actually found a breakfast that I will eat with regularity.  Nutella pretty much doesn't fit into the fast at all, but I was very happy with his recommendation because it is allowing me to keep a good routine down.

I have been having oatmeal with 1/1.5 tablespoons of Nutella and a banana pretty much every morning for the past three weeks or so.  It keeps me satiated for much longer than most breakfast foods.  So while the Nutella might not be a great choice, it is much better than the coffee and donut(s) that I used to get from the gas station in the morning.  I tried to replace Nutella with peanut butter the other day and it was not good. 

I think the thing I'm missing the most right now is actually coffee.  I wouldn't consider myself addicted to coffee or caffeine, I can easily go without it.  I just really enjoy my morning and mid afternoon coffee.  I had small group on Wednesday evening and we meet at Caribou and I thought about being really naughty and getting a delicious coffee beverage, but instead I got a Sparkling Mint Lime White Tea, which also doesn't fit the fast, but it was somehow more appropriate in my mind. 

The other thing that gets a bit tricky when fasting is convenience.  There isn't much convenience foods that fit into the fast and I needed something today.  This morning was rough.  Getting myself and three kids out the door in the morning is a bit like playing Russian Roulette.  Some mornings are fine and everyone is compliant and we get out the door with no issues.  Other mornings, it is a disaster and I think someone is filming my life and laughing.  Yesterday morning was one of those mornings.  As I was trying to dress a screaming two year old who didn't agree with my choice of socks, my half naked almost four year old stood at my side sobbing because she didn't want to wear pants with her dress (Minnesota weather makes life with independent children difficult) and then suddenly proceeded to empty her bladder on the rug at my feet…apparently she forgot to use the bathroom before the pants freakout.  Cleaning up an ocean of pee wasn't really in my plans for the morning and I didn’t have time to get my lunch together.

I ended up running to the Rainbow by my office and decided to see if I could find anything by Amy's Kitchen.  I love Amy's frozen meals, but they are so expensive so I don't get them very often.   I decided to give the Black Bean Tamale Verde a shot since it pretty much completely fit in the fast.  

 

It was delicious, I think I'm going to have to try and replicate it at home.

I'm not sure if it is the fast or restarting the couch to 5k at a faster pace, but the numbers on the scale are dropping quickly.  I lost about 4 pounds this week alone.  It is nice to see some progress again.  The crazy thing is that I've gone over my calorie limit nearly every single day, but still seeing movement, so I am pretty happy.  I'm not expecting this to last that long, but I'll take it to get me motivated again.

We've got lots of fun stuff going on this weekend, I'm sure I'll be exhausted by the end of the day on Sunday.

Thanks for reading, hope you all have a wonderful weekend!   

Rules

I love rules.  I have pharisaical tendencies.

This is something that I've kind of always known about myself, but I tend to forget at times.  I'm the type of person that likes to be told what to do and I enjoy following the directions in Ikea packages.  I don't do well with the undefined.  Asking me to come up with a "vision" for something is enough to make me hurl because I don't do well with thinking of things outside of my little world.  I'm completely comfortable getting outside of my world as long as someone tells me how to get there.   

Rules, schedules, order, directions, routines....they are all things that I find to be completely necessary in my life.  I am far more disciplined when I have these things in place.  That is why this journey is particularly difficult for me at times.

I desperately want someone to just tell me, eat this, this and that and do this and you will loose all of the weight that you want.  Yes, it is as easy a making sure you burn more calories than you consume, but the options for consuming and burning are endless.  It leaves too much wiggle room for me.  I need more structure.

I lasted one week off of a training schedule after my 10K before I realized that I needed to do something new that would keep me in a routine with set times and miles.  I was excited about just being able to do whatever I wanted, but I quickly realized that didn't work for me.  I decided to re-start the Couch to 5K Program with my own slight modifications.  This time, during the walking intervals, I'm running at my normal, super slow pace (13:00/13:30 minute miles) and during the running intervals, I'm kicking it up to 10:00 minute miles (6 mph).  I finished Week 2 Day 1 on Monday and it is going much easier than I thought it would be.  When I started last time around back in March, I flew off the treadmill when I tried to do 6 mph, so I'll call it progress. 

Then of course, we have the endless choices for calories going in.....choices which I've been struggling significantly with over the last three weeks.  I just can't seem to get back on track, I start the day off really well, but then I always get derailed some time after lunch.  I need to reset.

James has been wanting to do The Daniel Fast for quite a while.  I kept making all kinds of excuses for why it wasn't the right time, but now, I've finally given in.  I'll write a longer, more detailed blog about the Daniel Fast soon, but for those of you who aren't familiar with it, it is a fast based out of Daniel Chapter 10. He ate only "plain and simple" foods during a 3 week time of prayer and fasting.

There are many iterations of the fast, but the main focus is to eat only fruits, vegetables, whole grains, nuts & seeds and legumes.  No meat, dairy, preservatives, sugar, processed foods, etc.....which makes preparation an essential part of this fast.  We have done the fast before, in January of 2008, which just happens to be when I got pregnant with our first kiddo.

We technically started the fast today, but since I hadn't planned/prepared well enough, I'm considering tomorrow my actual start day.  We're not being completely legalistic and are allowing some wiggle room since we've still got three kiddos to feed, but for the most part, we are following the plan.     

I am hoping that three weeks of cutting out the things that are easily accessible and convenient for me to fill my mouth with, will help me get back on track.    

I need to get on track not only with eating and exercise, but also in my daily time with God.  Sine I am so into routines, I'm also very into lists.  Reading my Bible at the end of the day is on my list of things to do.  I've found myself trying to rush through my reading plans so that I can mark it as complete and I'm not taking the time to actually absorb the words.  I decided to cut back on the amount of reading that I do each day so that I actually take more time to focus on the little portions that I am reading.  I need to constantly remind myself that I'm not reading it to cross it off, but because I want to know and understand God on another level.  

I hope to be back in a few days with a good report!  Hope you are all enjoying October, it is flying by!  We've already been enjoying some Halloween festivities.