Hit by the Highlight Reel

I started a post this afternoon, but it was honestly just a big 'ol pity party, so I decided to spare you the details and just start fresh. 

This evening at church, our pastor was talking about the "everywhereness of God" (super technical term), basically talking about God is in and part of everything and he makes things known to us when needed.  I have moments where the everywhereness of God is very much known to me, usually in the form of song lyrics.  I had another one of those moments today as I was helping Rory make her bed after a really stressful trip to the grocery store and Family Fun Flatables (lets just say the whereabouts of my middle child were not known for a good 5-10 minutes....it felt like forever).  I wasn't in a good place, I was exhausted, stressed and feeling incredibly inadequate and overwhelmed.     

In the middle of my own little mess, I heard this

I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Though I'm silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You
 
So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray
(Pray - Sanctus Real)

I did my best to keep the tears to myself and quickly finish up her bed and leave her room so that she didn't have to see me crying.  The kids have seen way too many tears fall from my eyes lately. 

I don't know about you, but it seems like no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to escape the comparison trap.  Today was one of those days when my Facebook and Instagram feeds got the best of me and I started to feel completely inadequate.  I've mentioned many times one of the quotes that many people have spun one way or another and I'm not even sure where it actually originated, but it is

Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel.  

I'm gonna go ahead and give the credit to Steven Furtick because he is the first one that I heard say it.  Typically, what we see on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram is everything that people are proud of, things they want to share with the world.  They aren't sharing the things that they struggle with, the stupid things that they do, the things that the fail at.  Well, tonight, that is exactly what I'm going to do.  For the other mom's out there that struggle with comparison (I hope I'm not alone), here are some of our behind the scenes.

• My almost five year old can't read and has absolutely no interest in reading.  We've tried, many times, to get her excited about it, but she wants nothing to do with it and we're not pushing it.  She also can't ride a bike without training wheels.  Honestly, she has a hard enough time even with the training wheels and it has been difficult to find the time and place to help her learn....and again, she really isn't interested.
• My almost four year old still wears (and leaks through) a diaper every single night.  He doesn't recognize all of the letters of the alphabet, he has a hard time counting to 10.  It is a major victory if he gets his socks and shoes on.  It is a rare event to get through an hour of a day without him crying or having a tantrum.  
• My two year old just started talking and occasionally connects two or three words together to make a sentence.
• When the pediatrician gives us the developmental survey for the kids at their well child checks, I sometimes don't even know if they can or can't do some of the things that are on the list because we've never even tried it or I haven't seen it because we spend pretty much every hour of every day in survival mode.
• Working full time and trying to be a mom to a 2, 3 and 4 year old is kicking my butt and our entire family is suffering the consequences of it
• I yell at my children frequently 
• I called my husband a pansy during our therapy session this week
• I had ice cream twice this week and I enjoyed it
• Last week, I bought a bag of Mini S'mores from Walgreens and ate the entire thing myself on the way home
• I was supposed to run 4.5 miles today but only ran 2.87
• Rory dropped part of her free Kids Cookie from Cub on the floor and I let her pick it up and eat it
• I rarely remember to have the kids wash their hands before we eat
• The most frequently used phrase in our house is "poopy butt"
• Sometimes, I let Rory watch a movie in her room while the boys are napping so that I can have some time to myself
• I have more acne than a 13 year old right now and I have to use an epilator daily on my hairy chin and mustache
• I don't even remember the last time I got my hair cut
• Sometimes, when one of my kids tells me that their brother or sister hit them, I tell them to hit them back....honestly, nothing else seems to be getting through to them
• I had Peanut M&Ms for lunch today

I try to do a pretty decent job of making sure my life doesn't always seem like sunshine and rainbows, but hopefully, if you struggle like I do, this will help you know that not everyone is perfect or has perfect children.  You are doing the best you can with what you have.    

I will probably always struggle with comparison and inadequacy, but I'm getting better at realizing it is happening and stopping myself when I start to dwell on it.  I know in my head that the only person's opinion I need to be concerned with is God's, but I have a really hard time getting my heart to understand this.  

I went out for a run tonight with Lena and just prayed exactly what Sanctus Real sings as I was running (in between random bits of "I Think We're Alone Now"....it was really dark and quiet in our hood tonight) - 

God, You know what I'm struggling with even if I can't find the words to say it.  I know that I am tired, I know that I am exhausted, I know that I feel inadequate.  You know what is going on in my heart and in my head even if I don't completely understand it.  I pray that you would hear those unspoken words, that the Holy Spirit would intercede on my behalf and make my hurt and pain known to you.  I know that you are the only one that can make this pain go away and turn these struggles into good and use them for your glory.  I pray that you would help me find a way to feel worthy of the love that you and others have for me.  I pray that you would continue to use me to bring glory to your name.  Thank you for your never ending grace and for never giving up on me.  In your beautiful name.  Amen.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:26-28, ESV

You Helped Provide Clean Water for Eight Kids!

You guys.

Look at this

 

 

I am blown away.  Look at these beautiful kids that you helped provide CLEAN & SAFE water for!!! 

My family and my Eagle Brook family have stepped up in a big way to say that they care about our brothers and sisters across the globe.  I love how generous my friends and family are - you guys are awesome, you know who you are. 

My goal is to add 18 more beautiful faces to this page, if you want to help add them, you've got 43 days to go here and be a part of the chance to change lives.

I promise I won't always talk about this, but I am just beyond excited today and really thankful to have so many wonderful people supporting and encouraging me.  Fundraising is EXTREMELY difficult for an introverted girl who usually takes pride in self-sufficiency, so I am so grateful for all of you who have given sacrificially to help keep me motivated during my runs. 

In other news, I am completely loving the weather we are experiencing in Minnesota lately.  Days like today are the reason I live here and put up with the other less desirable weather that we tend to experience.  Something in me just feels right when the sky is clear, the air is crisp and the temperature is in the 60's.  It takes a whole lot of restraint to not just hop in the car and head north and spend the day hiking through the woods of the Superior National Forest. 

I long for the crunch of the leaves, twigs and acorns beneath my feet.  I am so at home among the canopy of birch, aspen and white pine as rays of sunlight sneak their way in.  Exploring and enjoying God's creation has always been in my blood.  When I was growing up, I would spend the entire day outside, exploring the rows of trees in our backyard.  If it wasn't for a couple of really horrible science teachers in high school that destroyed any love of science I once had, I'm quite certain that I would have ended up working for the DNR. 

Alas, there will be no North Shore trip and the only way I'm getting any hiking in will be doing short nature walks and scavenger hunts at our local Regional and State Parks with my three little rascals.  They also love the outdoors, but their little legs can only go so far. 

We've been spending lots of time outside lately.

Here are some pictures from last weekend, when it was 90's and ridiculously humid

When it is 90 degrees outside, don't give the only bottle of water you brought along on your hike to a 2 year old who loves to play with water, you may regret it. 

 

And then today, six days later, 60's and lovely

 

$1 Lunchables at Target + Daddy Working a Double Shift = Picnic

 

 She grew up overnight I think

 

Her "silly" pose

 

I walked out of the bathroom this evening after I put all of the kiddos to bed and I stopped to look at this picture that hangs in a collage of pictures from Rory's first Thanksgiving (2008). (Mom Confession:  If you came into our home and only looked at pictures, you would probably think we only had one child.  I've got some serious catching up to do on the framing end of things.)

 





 

I have a hard time remembering how far I've come some times.  But today I stood there proudly as I realized how much progress I've made.

 

 

She doesn't fit so nicely in my arms anymore (and she has given up her evil plans to destroy the world), but we have a great time running, going down slides and attempting to do handstands together.

 

Every once in a while, when I've got the radio on in the car and I'm not paying attention, I'll catch a line or two in the middle of a song and I just kind of know that God is speaking to me.  Tonight as we were on our way to the park, I heard this

 

       It may not be the way I would have chosen

       When You lead me through a world that's not my home

       But You never said it would be easy

       You only said I'll never go alone

       (Ginny Owens - If You Want Me To) 

It has been so completely evident to me today by the support that has come pouring in that I am not alone in this.  Thank you for walking with me.  It is never taken for granted. 

 

 

   

 

 











The Snowman....He Mocks Me

I am half way there.  This is what my training schedule looks like

I'm one of those crazy list people that adds things to a list just so I can cross them off.  Being able to cross off each of these runs/workouts gives me great satisfaction.

Saturday was a long run day - six miles at a slow pace.  I've run six or more miles quite a few times at this point, so I wasn't expecting it to be as difficult as it was for me.  It was the longest six miles I have ever run, that is for sure.

I think I spent over half of it either walking or in tears because I was just so frustrated.  It was pretty humid and getting warmer by the time I got out for a run, but it wasn't horrible.  I really didn't understand why I was having such a difficult time.

I was really excited when I made it to my turn around point.

I have run by this snowman many times and I swear he mocks me every single time.  I had to run up the hill that the snowman sits on top of to then go down a little hill to get to my turn around point and every single step up that blessed hill was torture.  I was happy to turn around and get him out of my sight.

The second half was just as brutal as the first and about a mile from home I finally realized why I was struggling so much and why I have been struggling so much with all of my training runs lately.  I feel like I'm failing.

I was so excited to start training for this race and to run this race because it was a chance for me to combine my efforts at improving my health with making an impact in the lives of others.  I didn't realize how difficult it would be for me to find motivation to train for my second half marathon.  The first time around, I was running purely on the motivation of doing something that I had never done before and thought I could never do.  Now that I know my body is capable of it, I'm finding that I really need something outside of myself to keep me going.  As of Saturday morning, I had only received one donation. 

I have a really big goal, but this time it isn't a running goal, this time it is a goal to provide clean water for people who aren't nearly as fortunate as we are, simply because they were born in another country.  People who are forced to drink water from the same place that animals bathe and drink.  Water that is not at all fit for drinking.

Photo from John Warren/WorldVision

 



I want the fact that I am making a difference to be able to keep me motivated when my runs get difficult.  I want to know that I'm doing this for someone else and not just for me. 

This is where I'm at today - 13% to my goal.  So much progress to make.

I'm not saying any of this to guilt people into giving, that isn't at all what this is about, and I really only want people to give if they are excited about it.  I'm just being honest and letting you know that training for this thing is kicking my rear, in a really big way.  So if you aren't able to help financially, I would love it if you would consider praying for health, endurance and peace.

I'm not giving up.  I will be crossing that finish line.  One step at a time. 

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.  For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised.  Hebrews 10:35-36

I am confident that I am supposed to be doing this.  I know that God will get me through it.  I will overcome.