The Never Ending Struggle

It has been a while since my last update, so I thought I should take the time to write something tonight.  However, my mind doesn't seem to be very cohesive tonight and I'm not confident that I can synthesize all of the random things I would like to touch on so I'm just going to give you a bunch of random bullet points on the past couple weeks and where my head is at today.  So here it goes

• I received a lot of great feedback on Facebook and in person after my last post and I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to comment.  I'm so glad that I'm not alone in my thinking and that others were able to feel less alone in their day to day struggles with the sharing of my behind the scenes.  I'm thinking of making it a a weekly thing if I can find the time.

• I have been struggling in the health department lately.  In the late winter/early spring I had some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and after a few doctor trips, they determined it was GERD and put me on some medicine to help.  Two weeks ago, the same symptoms came back and have been lingering.  It is like having morning sickness (which for me was all day sickness) without growing a baby.  As a result, my appetite and food choices have been completely out of whack and I'm struggling big time with finding some balance and feeling well.  

•  James and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on the 29th.  We didn't actually do much of anything that day, but on Monday night we went to a concert with my sister and her husband.  We saw Twin Forks at The Triple Rock.  Twin Forks is the newest musical endeavor by Chris Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional).  I have mentioned my love for Dashboard Confessional in other posts - basically, it was music that completely resonated with me during some of the most depressing years of my life.  He wrote and performed music that spoke to my soul and made me feel less alone in my feelings....it is super depressing music and I have a hard time listening to it now because of all the emotions that I associate with it.  Twin Forks is quite the opposite.  I guess I'd call them a cross between Americana/Bluegrass/Folk with a little bit of Irish Pub Rock thrown in.  There wasn't many people at all at the concert which meant a super intimate show and the chance to meet them afterward!!!  They were so nice and it was great to chat for a bit.  They played covers of I Saw the Light and Blister in the Sun....that kind of mix doesn't usually happen, but it was perfectly suitable for my musical tastes, so I loved it.  I totally recommend checking out their EP, it is super fun and catchy and my kiddos love to dance to it.  You can take a listen on Sound Cloud.

James through this little collage together

• We had planned to go out for an anniversary dinner prior to the concert, but I had a 5 mile run to do on Monday and it took a little bit longer than I planned on and we got going a bit late so we didn't get to go out until after the show.  We were just trying to think of things that would be open and ended up at The Blue Door Pub, the same place we went for my birthday.  I ordered the special called the Hullabalucy.  It was a burger stuffed with blue cheese and mashed sweet potatoes with a maple mushroom aioli.  When I took the first bite I kind of felt like I wanted to just curl up in bed with my burger because it was so delicious.....these are the kinds of thoughts I have about food at 11pm after a really long day.

• With the above mentioned nausea, finding the energy and proper nutrition to run has been a challenge lately.  I've been doing my best to keep up with my training plan and I've only missed one run, but I really feel like this training plan is kicking my butt.  I am sore, tired and ravenous pretty much all the time.  I feel like my legs are starting to revolt.  I was talking with James about this tonight because I really struggle with knowing what is the voice of self-doubt in my head and what is the voice of reason.  There aren't a lot of people who are 60 pounds overweight talking about training for a half marathon and how that is going for them.  I'm not looking for someone to compare myself to, I'm just wanting to know what common experiences are for other runners my size, and it has been hard to find any info.  I wish there was some way to know what is "too much" for me running at this weight and what I just need to push through.  One thing is for sure, training for half marathons is not conducive to weight loss for me.  I might lose a few pounds one week, but then feel like I'm starving all the time the next week and over eat to compensate.  I'm having a difficult time finding balance right now.  

• I'm not making the declaration yet, but I think this might be my last half marathon, at least until I'm at my goal weight.  I'm thinking I might stick to 10Ks in the future and kind of make that "my distance" for races.  I'm also toying with the idea of training for the YWCA Triathlon in 2014.  Only problem with that is that I despise biking and sold my bike a while back so I'd have to get a new one and that isn't in the budget.  I'll be watching Craig's List for a really great deal.

• I've been listening to the latest sermon series by The Village Church (Matt Chandler) called Recovering Redemption.  It has been really helpful for me.  Matt has such a gift at speaking the truth with grace.  If you need to find freedom from anything in your life, I highly recommend checking the series out.  

• I am at 55% of my goal for my Team World Vision fundraising!  I would LOVE to reach 100% and would be forever grateful if you would consider sponsoring me in this effort.  Honestly, a $1 donation would let me know that you are out there and support me in this - plus, there is the even bigger benefit of HELPING KIDS HAVE CLEAN WATER!!!  You really wouldn't believe how motivating it has been for me to know that I'm doing this for a purpose so much bigger than myself.  If I wasn't running for these kids, I would have quit by now, I know that much.   

• I'm really struggling with my boys right now.  They are fighting non stop - there has been biting, hitting, pinching, yelling, screaming, stealing and crying nearly every minute of the day around here lately and it is wearing me down.  Normal 2 year old behavior doesn't mix well with a 3 year who has trouble regulating his emotions and using words.

I think that about does it for now.  I'll try to have a more inspiring and cohesive post soon, but this is where I am today.

I made a new before/now picture that I needed to remind myself how far I've come after a couple of crappy eating days.

Thanks for reading - now check out some Twin Forks!

My Story: God is for God

Sorry to leave you hanging on the last post...well, actually, maybe not, but I'm glad that some of you are at least reading and curious what happened next :-)

In January of 2012 I had started shifting my time in the evening away from hours of Facebook, Netflix, other useless garbage toward things that might actually produce some fruit.  I rarely ever turn on live television anymore because I just don't believe that there is anything of value on it most days (I will be watching Downton Abbey when it is back on), but we have a Roku in our bedroom and in our workout area which allows me to watch things of value on my television screen.  I had scanned through the "Religion/Spiritual" channels on the Roku and added a few "channels" that I was familiar with.  After the kids were in bed, I'd start listening to sermons from North Point Church in Georgia, Harvest in California, Life Church in Oklahoma and Elevation Church in North Carolina.  (How awesome is technology??)  

In January, Elevation Church was airing 12 nights of live broadcasts online and via the Roku for their Code Orange Revival.  The first couple of nights were great, but I didn't really learn anything new, mostly just stuff that I already knew and had heard framed a different way (I'll have an entire post about that sometime in the future).  Then night number three rolled around and I had the chance to hear from a pastor that I had never heard of before.  Matt Chandler, from The Village Church in Texas took the stage and God used Matt's sermon (called God is for God) to produce a HUGE change in my life.  When it was done, I just sat there for a moment completely energized and excited about what I had just heard.  That doesn't happen very often for me.

I strongly encourage people to watch that sermon if you have grown up in a church that puts a strong emphasis on what God can do for you.  The main point of Matt's sermon, which is pretty easy to decipher by the title, is that God works through each and every one of us for one ultimate purpose, to glorify his name.  He went through verse after verse where this is clearly laid out in the Bible, many which I had heard before, but I never really fully grasped.  One of the verses he mentions I'm sure pretty much everyone has heard.  

1  The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.2  He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.t3  He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousnesst
for his name's sake.  (Psalm 23)

Did you catch that last line?  I always glossed right over it an never gave it much thought.  For HIS name's sake.  He is so good, so merciful, so full of grace because He wants to have His name glorified.  I think this could make people have two reactions, you would either think he was incredibly jealous and start spouting off bad things that have happened to people that you love, or you could realize how monumentally life changing that can be.  The latter was obviously where my mind went.  

I think I was so unchanged and so stunted in growing in my faith prior to hearing this because I never fully grasped why God is so good.  Prior to this, I was so focused on ME and what God could do for ME.  I couldn't really truly understand his love for ME because I knew my past, I knew my thoughts and I knew how unworthy I was of his love and grace.

I'm reading the book Radical by David Platt right now and I just read this piece last night that so summed up where I had been at for so long.

God loves me.

Me.

Christianity's object is me.

Therefore, when I look for a church, I look for the music that best fits me and the programs that best cater to me and my family.  When I make plans for my life and career, it is about what works best for me and my family.  When I consider the house I will live in, the car I will drive, the clothes I will wear, the way I will live, I will choose according to what is best for me.  This is the version of Christianity that largely prevails in our culture.

But it is not biblical Christianity.

The message of biblical Christianity is not "God loves me, period," as if we were the object of our own faith.  The message of biblical Christianity is "God loves me so that I might make him--his ways, his salvation, his glory, and his greatness--known among all nations."  Now God is the object of our faith, and Christianity centers around him.  We are not the end of the gospel; God is.

Knowing, believing and understand that it isn't about me, it is about Him has extraordinary implications.  I don't have to be perfect, I never will be, He is going to love me and make good out of my life because I love Him, no matter what. 

After I heard this message, I was enthused about living life.  I wanted to do everything I could do bring glory to God's name.  Part of this for me was just to know and understand more about the Bible.  I don't look at reading through the Bible as another thing to cross off my list now but rather as a way to learn more and decide for myself what I believe.  I have more discernment when I listen to messages or read something written by someone professing to be "Christian". 

I started listening to more of Chandler's messages from The Village Church and have learned so much.  He is a gifted teacher and God so perfectly orchestrated the timing of hearing his message in my life.

I think that Matt Chandler's sermon was my major, "A-ha!" moment, but there have been other factors that have helped me start the sanctification process and see the work of the Holy Spirit in my life.

In addition to reading my Bible on a daily basis and actually looking forward to that, I've also been diligent about reading Christian books.  I read Love to Eat, Hate to Eat by Elyse Fitzpatrick and it was also extremely helpful in helping me understand why turning to food is a sinful behavior for me and how I can pray to be filled with the Holy Spirit to break the addiction to food and turn to God instead.  If you struggle with food and make it a priority in your life, whether that means eating too much, to little or simply obsessing over every little thing you eat, I highly recommend reading the book. 

Other books that I've read lately that have solidified my beliefs and helped me further grasp what God has been so graciously trying to get me to understand have been Not a Fan by Kyle Idleman and The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler.

I was listening to a sermon by Mark Driscoll today and he was talking about how when you are an actual Jesus loving Christian and you are striving to be more like Christ, He will fill you with desires to do things that will glorify Him and give you the resources needed to do them.  I am definitely feeling this way and am so excited for the work that God wants to do through me.

If you haven't been able to tell, I am excited!  I am so looking forward to seeing what God will do and very much feeling his presence.  Another part of this growth has been meeting regularly with a group of women who also love God and desire to have a deep relationship with Him.  I think it is so important to have people in your life that you can discuss your faith life with that will pray for you and challenge you.  One of my friends had been praying for me in a very specific way, a way that I didn't even know I needed to be prayed for, but God has responded in a big way to her prayer and I am so extremely thankful. 

I could go on and on about all of the various revelations I've had recently and all of the things that have come to light, but I think I'll just break them up into future posts because this would get REALLY long if I actually tried to get everything I think about and all of the changes that I've seen in one post.

The one piece that I want to spend more time on in this post is the overwhelming sorrow that I feel when I look in my life and see so many people that I love getting stuck in the same place that I was.  Getting stuck in religion without fully knowing and understanding the love and grace that God offers us freely.  So many people I know that would consider themselves to be Christians will mock the excitement that I have.  They will try to pass it off as extreme, creepy, not for them, what have you.

I so strongly desire that everyone would have a real, authentic relationship with the One who made them.  Fully knowing, loving and understanding God and accepting the free gift of grace is life changing.  Romans 6:20-23 is so crucial to understand

 20 For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness.21 But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death.22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life.23 For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

I think so many non-Christians or even people who consider themselves Christians but don't actually know Jesus feel that being a Christian is restrictive and will inhibit them in some way, I don't know of anything more inhibiting than death.  There is LIFE and freedom in His arms and you just have to take it.  You don't need to be perfect, you don't need to be doing everything right.  People suck, plain and simple, but God loves us and Jesus died for us and for all of our past, present and future sins.  He knows what you have done, he knows what you are going to do and nothing keeps him from loving you. 

It seriously breaks my heart when people I love try to walk through this world without knowing Jesus.  I think the best way I've heard lately to frame up your relationship with Jesus is whether or not you are excited about spending eternity with Him in heaven.  If that doesn't excite you, if you aren't enthused about seeing his face and giving him a great big hug, then I think  you owe it to yourself to re-evaluate your relationship.  If you don't know Him and are even remotely curious, I would love to have a conversation with you and try to answer any questions that you might have and would love to have you attend church with my family.  Just e-mail me and I will do whatever I can to connect with you.

I'll try to wrap it up here, but just know this; I'm growing, I don't have all the answers, I'll never claim to be an expert on the Bible, Christianity or Jesus, but I am trusting in Him and in the life that He has planned for me.  I will still encounter troubles, having Chris in my life doesn't ensure that I'll be problem free, but I can get through the struggles with Him and know that He will use it for good.

So that is the story of my faith and the new creation that I am in Christ.  I hope you stick around to see where He takes me!   

I'll leave you with a song again.  We sang it at church this weekend and it has been in my head since then.