Small Victories and Painful Realities

Guess what, the scale moved!  It was only 1 pound, but I've been fighting so hard for some progress on the scale.  I guess I'll take anything given the fact that I've been gaining and losing the same 4 pounds over and over again since January.  

I'm also wearing a pair of size 18 jeans today.  I honestly don't remember the last time I've been able to do that, I think it may have been early on in high school.  It is nice to know that even though the scale isn't moving, my body is changing.

I made it to the gym on Monday and Thursday night and ran outside on Tuesday night with Lena.  It was my first run with her so I wasn't quite sure how it was going to go, but she did really well.  She only tried to kill me twice by bolting in front of me.  It was only 2.5 miles, but it was my fastest non-treadmill pace at that distance, so I was pretty excited about that.  After my run, I got cleaned up and then James and I headed out on a date night and went for a 2.7 mile walk around Como Park and then had dinner at Punch Pizza.  According to my heart rate monitor, I burned more calories on our walk than on my run, which is interesting, but I think it was because I was in an anaerobic zone for most of my run. Tomorrow is a long run day, 11 miles on the plan, I hope the weather cooperates!

Even with all the good things going on, I've been feeling pretty sad and vacant lately, kind of like I'm just walking around in a fog most of the time.  Last night, all I wanted was a chocolate chip cookie from McDonald's.  James had to take Lena to the vet and I asked him to pick some up on the way home.  Luckily, the drive thru line was too long so they came home without the cookies.  I knew I didn't actually "need" a cookie, but that was how I felt and I hate that I feel that way.  I over analyze pretty much every thought and feeling that I have, and the simple fact that I even craved a cookie left me feeling extremely depressed and I ended up just going to bed after the kids were in bed.   

I don't want to feel like a cookie, or any other food, is going to make me happy.  I know it isn't.  I don't want to yell at my kiddos when they are just doing things that kiddos their age do, but I do.  I don't want to focus on my imperfections, but they constantly cloud my thoughts.  

I want God to be enough. I know that he is.  It kills me to not be able to find the joy that I know I should have in Him.  It is really hard as a Christian to even admit that I have a difficult time finding joy because it feels like I am doing something wrong.  I must not be spending enough time in The Word.  I must not spend enough time praying.  I must be spiritually immature.  Everything I've read about finding joy says to do all of the things I'm already doing, but still, it doesn't work.  How can I love God, know that he loves me and still feel so empty?  

As I'm asking myself this, the painful reality hit me.  As much as I want to believe and tell myself that I don't still battle with depression, it becomes painfully clear to me that I do.  And I hate that.

I think, somehow, my body reacted differently than most women's do to the hormones that come along with pregnancy and breastfeeding.  Instead of hanging on to pregnancy weight gain, mine came off quickly.  Instead of post partum depression, I, for the most part, felt better than usual.  I have struggled with depression since I was 10.  I've had many visits with psychologists and took anti-depressants off and on during my 20's.  I really wanted that chapter of my life to just be done with and hoped that the last six years or so  meant that I had turned the corner, but I think I was wrong.....and it sucks.

So I've been trying to process the painful truth about my brain and how it just doesn't like to function like most people's.  I wish it did, life would be much easier.  

So today I write this for anyone else out there who also struggles.  It is possible to be a Christian, to know, love and serve a God who loves us more than we'll ever fully comprehend and yet still struggle with depression and anxiety.  It is taboo, no one wants to talk about it.  But if I can at least let one other person out there know that they aren't alone, then I'll happily throw my struggles out there for the world to see.  Relevant magazine had an article about this recently - you can check it out here

There are moments where God's love breaks through and I feel whole, but it doesn't seem to last.  Moments like tonight at church where I just stood and cried, with my lips trembling too hard to form the words that everyone else was singing  

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.  And oh, how He loves us oh, oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all (How He Loves - David Crowder Band)

I needed that song tonight.  It reminded me that even though I don't always feel His love, He is fighting for me and will do whatever it takes to make sure I know it.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.  Exodus 14:14 (ESV)