Music and Memories

Yesterday was an exciting day.  After losing just shy of 115 pounds, I finally reached the first of three weight loss goals that I have set for myself.  I am back down to the lowest I have ever weighed in my adult life, including high school - 240.6 pounds.  (I don't have a new picture for my progress pictures page, but I just added a bunch of photos from my childhood and post college years - check it out!)

I honestly didn't think I was going to make it back here and I'm hoping I don't linger here for too long, I'd like to keep things moving.  It has been getting very difficult for me to keep the scale moving and I was getting really discouraged last week at how long this whole process is taking, so this was a needed victory.  My weight loss goal is very much like my method of running half marathons, very slow, but at a pace that will get me to the finish.

Wednesday has been our date night lately and James sent me a text at work around noon asking if I wanted to go see Fall Out Boy that night.  He had been looking at concerts coming to a nightclub close by on Monday and he mentioned Fall Out Boy and I asked how much tickets were because if they were cheap, I would have been interested in going.  The tickets were crazy expensive and the show was already sold out, so that was the end of that.  However, he remembered the conversation and was looking on Stub Hub yesterday and saw that they had tickets for $20 so he texted me and asked if I still wanted to go.  I told him I'd see how I felt when I got home from work because I really didn't feel like I had the energy to go at that point.  A few minutes later I had an e-mail with what they had played for an encore at previous shows and one of my favorite songs was the last one they played (I even titled a post in honor of it a while back - Saturday) and I told him to get the tickets.

It was a very last minute decision, which I think is one of the benefits of being a grown up and getting all of my major concert going days out of my system 10 years ago.  I didn't care where we were standing or if we missed the opening act, I was just happy to go and not be stressed out about it.  Plus, we paid much less for our tickets than anyone else did....I love Stub Hub.

The concert was great, they didn't disappoint.  I have seen them live 3 or 4 times before and they always put on a great show and this time was no different.....except I think I had no children last time we saw them.  We thought we'd be the oldest people there, but we definitely weren't.  Lots of people our age were there, which was kind of fun.  It was really kind of fun to hear Pete Wentz talk about coming back after taking a few years off because the world just needed a little less Pete Wentz.  It is interesting when you get to see personal growth in the members of a band that you have been listening to for years.   

Going to a concert like this brought back so many memories for me.  I used to go to concerts ALL THE TIME when I was in college.  Even after college and after James and I first got married, we still went to quite a few.  I think for a couple of summers, I went to a concert like every week.  Most of them were of the emo/punk variety in small venues like the show we went to last night.  I really wish I would have done a better job of keeping track of all of them, I don't even remember all of them.  A very friendly drunk guy started talking about how he had seen Fall Out Boy at the same venue years ago and the more he started talking about the show, I realized that I had been there too....I had completely forgotten about it!

I thought about how different I am from 10-12 years ago.  Music was the only thing keeping me going then, I lived for it and spent nearly all of my money on cds and concert tickets.  I was so incredibly broken and unhappy with life and how lonely I always was.  I loved being able to just completely shut off the thoughts in my head, crank up the music and listen to songs by other people that had so many familiar thoughts and feelings.  So many of the people going to concerts felt the same way, so even if I didn't know them, I somehow felt a little less alone.

I considered myself a Christian then, but I was so far from actually having any clue what that meant.  I didn't know Jesus.  I didn't understand grace.  I didn't feel loved. 

Last night I got to spend the night at a concert, right next to a man who found a way to love me then, even though I was a hot mess.  We came home to our three children sound asleep in their beds.  I wore a sleeveless dress and felt completely comfortable (this is a big deal).

I am so thankful that God didn't give up on me.  I was so far from him for so very long, but my heart never stopped searching for a love that only He can provide.  When you search for him, you will find him.  

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the  Lord , plans for welfare  and not for evil,  to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me,  and I will hear you.  You will seek me and find me, when you seek me  with all your heart.  (Jeremiah 19:11-13, ESV)

If you are feeling lost, unloved, unworthy, defeated, don't give up hope.  He has a plan, and it is a good one, I promise.  Don't stop searching until you find it.        

Overflowing

It has been another rough day in the parenting department.  My middle son is really testing my patience (and sanity) lately.  This was fairly normal for him until we started taking him to Occupational Therapy.  His attitude improved greatly and he had been doing much better with communicating and the tantrums, outbursts and bad moods had become an occasional thing.  We were slightly concerned that spending more time with his sister during the summer would cause him to regress and his OT was pretty sure that we would see some regression.  I was optimistic and hoping that things would stay as they were, but this past week has been really rough.  He is back to constant tantrums, not listening and coming up with ideas in his head and then getting really upset when we don't follow through on them. 

This morning I went to a wedding shower and Rory came with me.  When we left, he followed us out the door saying that he was "going to work".  He seriously thought he was going to get in my husband's car and drive somewhere.  I have no idea where he comes up with this stuff. I had to carry him kicking and screaming back into the house and quickly shut the door so he didn't get out again.  Then this evening, when my mom was leaving our house, he jumped into her car as soon as she hit the unlock button because he wanted to go see his cousin Etta (which was where my mom was headed).  Again, he wouldn't listen to me to come out, he wouldn't listen to my mom, I had to physically remove him from the car and throw him over my shoulder and carry him back into the house. 

There were many other little events in between those two major ones and by the time bedtime rolled around tonight, I was nearly catatonic.  His behavior and my inability to deal with it in a calm manner is extremely draining on me.  I feel incredibly inadequate when it comes to being his mother. 

I decided I needed to go for a run tonight once the kids were in bed.  I had planned on doing 4 miles and when I walked outside it felt humid but it didn't feel all that hot, so I thought it would be a nice night for a run.  I put  on a sermon from Elevation Church called Suck Proof Soul from the "How to Hug a Vampire" series and headed out.  I got about a mile in and decided that it wasn't a very nice night for a run after all.  My legs felt like lead and it was a struggle to keep them moving.  I ended up doing quite a bit of walking.  There was a lot of leaves and branches on the trail and I had gone around and under a couple of fallen trees that landed on the trail.  I got about 1.5 miles into my run and saw this

I thought about trying to weave my way through it but after taking a closer look, I decided just to turn around.  I ended up cutting my run to 3 miles and I was completely spent at the end of that. 

The message that I was listening to was exactly what I needed to hear.  The message was about how certain people and things in life have the ability to suck the life out of you.  We can let people and circumstances steal so much of our energy and peace.  I am very guilty of this, especially when it comes to my kids.  They usually "suck me dry" by the end of the day on the weekends and I end up bitter, angry and short tempered.  They see me at my worst. 

Steven Furtick talked about how we can either be a cracked glass that constantly leaks and always end up dry, or, we can be a full glass that overflows and even though water is leaving the glass, it is still full.  He talked about how after spending all day teaching and hearing of the news of John the Baptist being beheaded, Jesus retreated to the top of a mountain to pray by himself (Matthew 14 if you want the context).  In doing this, Jesus was filling himself up with God's love and he was giving from an overflow of his heart.  He had so much of God's love, peace and mercy within him, that it was easy for it to spill over on to others.  (I'm doing a horrible job of paraphrasing here....just listen to the message if you have time.) 

I have been a cracked glass lately.  I haven't been spending enough time praying or in The Word.  It has been an afterthought at the end of my days lately and it usually gets cut short by me falling asleep.  I've been pushing myself so hard to try and get more running and exercise in because I am at another plateau.  My days have been full and I am exhausted and my kids are being impacted by it the most.  I've been constantly leaking mercy, patience, love and energy and I haven't taken the time to fill myself back up.  

As I was nearing the end of my run tonight, I realized how much time and energy I spend running.  It is a good thing, it keeps me healthy and headed on the right track to meet my weight loss goals, but it isn't filling me up.  I have spent far more time running or at the gym lately than I have praying and studying the Bible.  I am not giving my relationship with God the priority that is required and I am feeling the negative effects of that.

I decided during my run that I am taking a week off from running.  I still plan on walking, swimming and doing the elliptical, but it won't be for more than 30 minutes and it won't be every day of the week.  I need a break to re-focus my energy on my relationship with God, the one person who can fill me up.  I need to mend the cracks and let my cup fill to a place where I can easily spill over to my kids and husband, and then I need to make it a priority each day to make sure it stays full.  

Earlier today as I was complaining about my life to myself in my head, Matthew 11:28 came into my mind.

Come to  me, all who labor and are  heavy laden, and I will give you rest.    Take my yoke upon you, and  learn from me, for I am  gentle and lowly in heart, and  you will find rest for your souls.    For  my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

I found myself getting angry with God as I was thinking about it.  I think I pretty much said to him "seriously, this is what you call rest?  I am freaking exhausted here."  (Yes, I do have conversations with God like this from time to time.  Call it what you will.) 

Tonight as I was listening to that message I was instantly convicted.....this is typically what happens after I have conversations like that with God.  I'm not finding rest for my soul because I'm not coming to him.  I'm trying to do things on my own and giving him the leftovers.

I go through cycles like this, which I think is the downfall of being a Christian in America.  We have everything we need and then some.  We don't really need to rely on God for day to day things as people do in other countries, so it is really easy for us (or at least me) to make him an afterthought until my life starts to fall apart and I realize that it is because I'm not spending enough time with him.

I have so much growing to do.  

 

Surprise Encouragement

I think Summer weather has finally found its way to Minnesota.  I am very happy about this.

We've been busy since I last posted, it seems like whenever there is a nice day, we take full advantage of it.

Last Sunday Rory, Rage and I made the trek down to New Ulm to visit my dad.  It was Take a Kid Fishing Weekend, so we planned to go fishing, it was the first time for my kiddos.  We did a lot of fishing growing up and I have many great memories, so I was excited to get some fishing memories started with my kiddos.  The weather wasn't super cooperative, but we found about 45 minutes to get out to the pier at Clear Lake and see what we could catch.  We got a bullhead, carp and sunfish and I think the kids had a great time.

On Tuesday evening, we ventured out to Lake Elmo Park Reserve for a picnic and some time at the playground.  Rain cut that trip short as well, but we had a good time.  It is so nice to have such a wonderful park so close by. 

Friday evening we went to the Manitou Days Parade in White Bear Lake with my sister in law and her family.  Last year, I ran the 5K before the parade, it was my first official race.  I decided not to run it this year because it wasn't organized all that well last year and I didn't feel like paying the registration fee.  It was nice just to enjoy the evening with our big ol family.

I love parades.  I always have and probably always will.  My kiddos share my love of parades and it is so much fun to see what they get excited about.  I hope they never lose that. 

Here are a few pictures and a video from our evening

 Rory getting the Vulcan "V"

 

Before it got smudged everywhere

 

Oskar and James

 

Me and Oskar

 

Rage dancing

 

Sleep last night was a bit rough and all of the kiddos were CRABBY today.  It was a really rough day in the parenting department for me.  I took the kiddos to Super Target today to get some groceries and it was brutal.  Usually they do a pretty decent job of listening and staying close by me, but today was not that day.  It was an endless stream of bickering, whining and running away from me.  It is always fun when we're 1 parent to 3 kids, which is most of the time.

 

I was hoping that I could get them home, get them lunch and get them down for a nap.  I even bought a special treat that they could have if they actually all took a nap.  However, both boys fell asleep in the car on the way home and that is always bad news.  Oskar is the only one that took a nap and his was super delayed.  It is hard to get through the days with all three of them without some kind of a break and today it wasn't happening. 

 

James woke up around 3:00 and got ready for church and just as we were about to head out the door, it started pouring rain.  We all got drenched on the trip to the car and there was major flash flooding on the drive to church and we went through some REALLY big puddles.  It was kind of fun :-)

 

I had planned on going for a run once we got home from church, but the weather didn't really seem like it was going to cooperate so I started wondering what I was going to do.  I was planning on doing 6 to 8 miles and really didn't want to do it on the treadmill.  We got to church and I was pretty much just numb from the day and the weather.  I was emotionally spent and I really needed to just have some time to worship and hear from God.  It was a great service, as they always are.  When they opened the doors of the worship center, I was surprised to see sunshine!  The storm passed while we were in church and the sky was clearing up.  I was pretty excited to have my plan to run outside back on, but I was still not really feeling like I had the mental capacity to do a long run.

 

We got home and grabbed the mail on the way in the house.  James handed me an envelope that was hand written and addressed to me and I had no idea what to expect.  Inside was this

 

 

It came with a note that said "Keep up the good work!!  Congratulations on your accomplishments!" and it was from someone I know from church and haven't seen in a very long time.  I got a little bit misty eyed because I really needed a reminder that it is all worth it today.  It was such a thoughtful and generous gesture and it gave me the encouragement I needed to get out there tonight and do my long run.  God is good.   

 

(You can get a necklace like this at Girlz Pearls Boutique along with a lot of other great, affordable jewelry and accessories.) 

 

I ended up running 8 miles tonight.  It was ridiculously humid so I wasn't sure how it would go, but I felt pretty good for most of it.  I realized about 4 miles in that running through a swampy/marsh area without bug spray around sunset was not a very smart idea.  However, it gave me extra incentive to keep running because if I slowed down to walk the mosquitoes were all over me.  I stopped to snap a picture near the end because it was such a pretty scene and my arms were covered instantly....it was gross.  I will remember next time to douse myself in Off! before I head out.  

 

It was really nice to just get out there and run without being part of a training program.  Although, I am considering running another half on the 4th of July, the Red, White and Boom!.  Still processing that one, having a hard time justifying a $65 race entry fee, if it wasn't for that, I'd be in.  It is a pretty decent course and as I told James on our date on Wednesday night, "I think 13 miles is reasonable enough to do once every couple months or so."  After I said it, I had to laugh at how much my life has changed over the past few months, I never would have guessed I would say anything like that.  

I hope that you all enjoy Sunday.  Happy Father's Day to any dad's out there that might be reading this!    





Creature of Habit

I've been sitting here for the last 20 minutes trying to decide if I had the energy to write a post tonight or not....I'm still not completely sure I do, but I made my decision rather than hemming and hawing all night long.

I've been off of work all week and it has been nice to have some time away, so nice that at times I even forgot that I have a job. (It is painful when I remember even thought I genuinely enjoy what I do.)

Time off of work means a loss of routine, which for me means I end up eating more and worse than I normally would.  I haven't gone completely crazy, but I haven't been doing as well as I would like to.  It is so much easier for me to make exercise and running a priority because I enjoy them.  I need to find a way to enjoy eating smaller amounts of food. 

It always comes back to what goes in my mouth and I think I have finally accepted the fact that you can't make up for a bad diet with exercise.  I really wish that I could eat whatever I wanted and just workout more, but it doesn't work that way. 

It is time to read Made to Crave again as I find myself finding comfort in food more than I want to these days.  I know that this will always be a struggle for me.  I don't think I'm ever going to completely overcome my emotional eating habits, but I'm praying that I'm always aware of them and that I never stop trying.       

It is really ridiculous how much I need a consistent schedule to stay on track in life.  I work best when I am really busy and have to get things done with a budgeted amount of time, so vacations aren't so great for my weight and fitness goals, but they are good for my mind and soul, which is equally important.

In other news, I started taking a new medication (appetite suppressant) under a strong recommendation from the weight loss physician I am seeing.  Even though I'm down 10 pounds since staring the program, I've plateaued again over the past three weeks.  I have been on the new med since Wednesday and so far all I'm experiencing are really not so great side effects.  I've had a killer headache the past two days and my heart rate went bonkers on my run yesterday morning, I'm still not sure if it is related to the medication or just a fluke, but I am slightly concerned.  I'm not sure how long I'm going to give it a shot since I was resistant to using a medication in the first place....so far I'm not impressed.

Despite the headaches and the gloomy weather that we've been having here in Minnesota, I've been enjoying my time off. 

Yesterday I took the kiddos to the zoo and my mom, sister and niece came with us as well.  It was kind of busy, but we still managed to see everything and have a good time.  We even took a ride on the carousel.   

 

 

Today we enjoyed a lovely birthday party for my niece and nephew followed by an evening at church.  Tonight, I am tired, but it has been nice to do some fun things with the kiddos, I know they have appreciated it because I was told by my daughter that I am "the greatest mom that there ever was".  I'll take that :-)   

This week has reminded me (for the 500,000th time) that I'm never going to "arrive" at contentment and happiness.  There isn't a goal that I'm going to meet that is going to make me happy.  There isn't a number on the scale that is suddenly going to make me feel great.  There isn't a race I'm going to finish that is going to leave me feeling like I conquered the world.  I keep telling myself that things like this will make me happy, that I'll be pleased with myself when I "do" certain things.  I have a hard time remembering and accepting that the only thing that is going to bring me pure joy is a deeper relationship with God.  He is the source of joy. 

I have  set the  Lord  always before me; because he is at my  right hand, I shall not be  shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my  whole being  rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your  holy one see  corruption. You make known to me  the path of life; in your presence there is  fullness of joy; at your right hand are  pleasures forevermore. Psalms 16:8-11

This world and the things in it are not going to bring fullness or joy to any of us.  Read Ecclesiastes, especially 2:1-11.  The writer of Ecclesiastes did everything there was to do, he had more than any of us will ever have and yet it was meaningless apart from God.  I have a hard time remembering this sometimes but I am determined to make this stick in my head!  I need to keep my focus on Him and not on me.     



Finding my way to beautiful

I'm sitting down to write a blog that I don't really have a plan for.  This could go any way....we'll just have to wait and see.

I am feeling rather unsettled this evening.  I'm not particularly sure why, but I just get this way occasionally.

I took this week off of work and have been in vacation mode since I crossed the finish line on Sunday.  My eating has been horrendous and I think that is a big reason for not feeling so great. 

James and I spent the night out of town for his birthday and we ate at a buffet last night.  My stomach was not a fan and I woke up feeling hungover.  It is amazing how much of an impact food can have on our overall health and well being.  I guess it isn't all that surprising when you think about it, but one of those things that I don't realize until it goes badly. 

I haven't had much control over the past two days and I missed a workout for the first time in a long time.  I will be making it up tomorrow, but still, I don't want this to be a habit.  This is what happens when I don't have a solid goal to work towards, I am still dedicated to working out, but it is easy to put off if things get tight.  I don't start training for my next half marathon until August, so I need to find something to do between now and then.  I'm thinking I will work on improving my 5K speed, or just improve my speed overall.  I have been looking at a few plans but haven't found anything that has really peaked my interest just yet.  I would like to take a spin class, but the times don't really work with our schedule so I'm kind of bummed about that.

I am having a really hard time adjusting to ever changing clothing sizes.  It is a good thing to need to buy smaller clothes, but it is really stressing me out.  We went to Mall of America yesterday to try and find some new clothes for me because I'm running out of clothes that fit.  I have been wearing clothes that are quite baggy, but a lot of my pants are getting to the point where they might start falling down on their own if I don't do something about it.  I think I summed up all my new clothes woes with 3 simple points

1) I hate spending money on clothes and rarely feel like things are worth what stores want me to pay for them.  If it isn't on a clearance rack or majorly on sale, I'm not buying it.

2) Even though I've lost 111 pounds, my hips and legs are still quite substantial and pretty much everything that is available to purchase right now is made for people with no hips and slender legs.  Skinny jeans are a no go on these legs...I've tried and it just looks wrong.

3) I don't have the time or brain power to figure out layers and what goes together....I miss the days when putting together an outfit was simple.  I look at things in the stores now and I seriously wouldn't even know what to put together.  I sent this text to my sister yesterday while at the mall: "It is a sad day when you realize that the only store that looks like it might have something that I'd be interested in wearing is Coldwater Creek."  Nothing against Coldwater Creek, but it isn't typically a store that I'd find myself shopping in...but I guess that has changed.

James thinks I don't really have a good perspective of what I look like, and I'm guessing that is partially true.  I think part of me will always feel like a big fat blob.  I'm still very uncomfortable with my legs from the knees up and prefer not to have any of that area showing.  I don't like to have my upper arms showing either and I especially hate frilly cap sleeves.  Those two hang-ups really limit the options right now.

I'm wondering if I'll ever be comfortable with how I look.  

Some days I feel ok about things but most days when I look in the mirror all I can see is the fat that is still there.  There isn't nearly as much as there used to be, but there is still much more than I am comfortable or happy with.  

I wonder if I'll ever look "normal", if I will ever feel like people aren't paying attention to the size of my body.

I don't desire to be "hot".  I have no plans of ever taking a selfie picture in a bikini.  I just want to be comfortable with who I am.  I realize that this has very little to do with losing weight and everything to do with my very broken self image.  When someone tells me that I'm looking skinny or looking good, I want to believe them.  Right now I just feel like people say things like that out of obligation even though I know that isn't the case.  I don't believe those things about myself right now, so it is hard to accept it from others.  I have a very difficult time accepting compliments or encouragement. 

I know that true beauty is not found in the shape of a body, the style of hair or a perfect face.  I get that.  But I think that every woman has a longing to feel beautiful and I have never had that feeling.  I'm sure I'm not alone in this and I'm sure there are many women who aren't even overweight that feel the same way.

I'm wonder how women find their way to beautiful.  What secrets do they have to discovering the beauty that is already present but still somehow undiscovered by the person it belongs to.  Because the truth is that we are all beautiful.  Every one of us.  We just need to find our way to feeling it.  

Finding Joy in Slow....A Half Marathon Story

(If you aren't into TMI kinds of stories, then you'll probably just want to skip everything past the first four paragraphs....more detail than anyone wanted to know I'm sure, but it is what it is!)

I did it!

My first half marathon is in the books.  The weather was perfect, we couldn't have had a nicer day.  It was cool and humidity was low and the sun was shining by the end of the race, perfect in my books!

I woke up at 3:30am and started getting ready, left by 4:15 and headed downtown to catch a shuttle to the starting line.  I got there with plenty of time to spare, I probably could have slept half an hour longer, but I'd rather by early than late.  I got to the starting area around 5:00 and the race started at 6:30, so I sat around quite a bit just mentally preparing myself.

I headed to the starting line at 6:00 and found the 12+ minute pace flags and got lined up there and was quickly greeted by a friend from work.  It was nice to see a familiar face and chat a bit before the race started.

The race started promptly at 6:30 and I crossed the starting line right around 6:35.  I was very focused on maintaining a slow pace even though people were passing all around me.  I just kept my eyes forward and got in my own zone.  I started the race listening to a couple of messages from Elevation church....very good decision.  I got filled up and really felt good about how things were starting.

As each mile passed and RunKeeper read me my pace, I was a bit scared and a bit excited all at the same time.  For the first 8 miles, my pace was right around 12:55 a mile or so and I was shooting for a 13:30 pace.  I was tempted to slow things down, but I felt really good so I just kept going at the pace I was at.  Even though my legs and lungs felt great, my stomach started to give me some trouble pretty much immediately and I contemplated stopping at the 2, 4 and 6 mile points to use the restroom, but I kept going too afraid to stop because the lines were long and I was making such good time.

When I finally arrived at the 8 mile check point, which also happened to be a relay exchange point, there were finally some satellite toiles with no line so I quickly jumped in.  My intestines were pretty much in full on revolt mode at that point, but I was determined to keep going and try to keep the pace I was at......except that didn't really happen.

The first mile after taking the break I felt good again, but then the stomach issues creeped back in.  I ended up walking quite a bit during mile 10, but I was trying to keep a quick walking pace so that I didn't get too far off track from meeting my goal.

Miles 8 thru 12 are pretty much a blur.  I had to stop and use the restroom again around mile 11.5 or so, right before crossing the Stone Arch Bridge.  I knew my family was going to be in the area after the Stone Arch Bridge, so as I was crossing it I was kind of looking out for them and I spotted them in the distance and was able to wave to them.  I swear to you, that bridge has gotten much longer since the last time I was on it.....but that was a casual stroll and this most definitely was not.  I felt like I was never going to get across that stupid bridge to the point in the race where we were on the last stretch. 

I finally made and saw my kiddos holding up signs and screaming "Go Mommy!" with the biggest smiles on their faces.  I ran over and gave them high fives and I choked back the tears.  It was so wonderful to see them and to hear their cute little voices, it gave me the strength I needed to make it to the end because I was VERY tired at that point.  My feet and hips were killing me but I knew I was close. 

I finally made it up the last hill and hit the point where it was all down hill to the finish.  Seeing the river at the bottom of the hill was the most glorious site I had ever seen!  I started looking for the finish line because my phone had just told me that I had reached 13 miles and I started tracking just steps away from the starting line.  I saw the finish and thought it was closer than it was, but we had to run past it a little bit and then work our way back.  I really didn't think I was going to make it at that point, but when I finally turned the last corner with nothing standing between the finish line and me, I started running as hard as I possibly could. 

The gun timer showed 3:05 something when I crossed so I quickly grabbed my phone to stop tracking and see what the time on my phone said.  This is what I saw on my phone

It is very evident by my splits that mile 8 is when things started to fall apart for me. 

Between my phone time and the gun time, my hopes of finishing in under 3:00 seemed somewhat possible, but I really wasn't sure.  Runkeeper paused while I was in the bathroom, so I knew my time was a little bit longer than this, but I was hoping that  I would have made it. 

So I sat in suspense until I was able to get home and check the online results but I still felt pleased since I definitely met my finishing around 3:00 goal.

After I crossed the finish line, I got my medal and some snacks and then found a picnic table close to the river to sit down and call my husband.  They were close by and were on their way to meet me, yay!  I wasn't expecting them to be at the finish, so it was a really nice surprise. 

We snapped a few pictures

Me and the two "big kids"....don't ask me what he is wearing or what he is doing, he is his own man.



My mom and me (she helped out a ton with our house and kids this weekend, thanks mom!)

 

 

My mom got some more pictures with her camera, but I haven't gotten them yet, I'll make sure I update this with them when I have the rest. 

 

We eventually started heading back to our cars, we both ended up parking in the same lot, so it was nice to be able to walk back with them.  It was about a 3/4 mile walk or more back to the car and we had to go back up the hill that we came down at the end, so it was a very slow and painful walk back to the car. 

 

My mom rode back with me while James took the kiddos.  As we were on our way home, I heard my phone make the noise it makes when I get a text or e-mail.  I checked and it was an e-mail with my official race results...

 

I was a little bit bummed that I didn't have a 2 at the beginning, but I'm still happy that I was able to finish this close to 3:00.  If my stomach hadn't decided to revolt against me, I know I would have for sure met that goal, so I will be shooting for it again in October( and hopefully I'll figure out how to keep my stomach under control between now and then)!

 

And honestly, I think the course was longer than 13.1 miles since I started my phone about 5 feet from the starting pad and stopped it about 20 feet from the finish pad.  Every time I tried to map the route on Google Maps, I kept coming up with 13.48.  Other people I know that had their GPS trackers on ended up with close to the same distance as me, so I'm sticking to my theory that it was about .3 miles longer. 

 

Oh well, either way it was a successful first half marathon in that I finished and I set a good, realistic goal for myself. 

 

I told my mom that I'm not sure I'll do another half after I do the Monster Dash in October, but I also said I would never do anything more than a 10K after I finished the 10K last November.

 

In just under a year's time, I went from barely making it through my very first 5K with a time of 38:32 weighing 285 pounds, to running a half marathon in 3:01:20 weighing 244 pounds.  Numerically, it is slow progress, but mentally, I have overcome barriers that I never thought I would get past.   

 

There is absolutely no way that I would have been able to do any of this if it wasn't for the strength and hope that I find in an Amazing God.  He has given me a resolve to get this done.  To make a better me and do it for His glory, and I felt so incredibly blessed today as I was out there on that course that he would be so good to me.

 

I repeated these verses in my head over and over before and during the race

 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2, ESV

If he found joy in dying a horrible death for me, surely I can find joy in having the strength and endurance to run 13.1 miles while kicking a lifetime of obesity to the curb.  I have been changed and no matter how slowly I may lose the weight or run the race, my mind has been transformed and I am a stronger and healthier person than I have ever been before.  Today, I am finding joy in slow, because in that slowness comes a whole lot of time to reflect on how blessed I am.