Week One of Monster Dash Training

Well, I suppose I should do an actual update.  I have been feeling very uninspired as far as blogging goes lately, I'm hoping that changes shortly.  I have a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head, but not nearly enough time or energy to get them composed.

Monday I started Week 1 of Monster Dash Half Marathon training.  This is what my week looks like:

• Monday - 3 miles (A gorgeous evening run around Lake Phalen)
• Tuesday - 2 miles (Tried a new trail, planned an easy two miles...took a wrong turn somewhere and ended up doing half of it on hilly trails.  It was brutal but kind of fun.)
• Wednesday - Weight Training
• Thursday - 3 miles (Pushed myself HARD on the treadmill at about 9:30pm....dripping sweat.  I eeked out an 11:04 min/mile pace which is by far my best for 3 miles.  Slow for some, fast for me.)

• Today - Rest Day....I did 30 minutes on the elliptical which is pretty much rest as far as I'm concerned
• Saturday - 4 miles
• Sunday - Cross Training

I've been listening to a sermon series from Elevation Church called Treatment during my runs lately.  

It is a four part series that deals with depression, anxiety, addiction and insecurity.  I highly recommend giving it a listen if you struggle with any of those things....and let's be honest, who doesn't?  I frequently need a reminder of who God says I am and these were so helpful with that.  

Outside of that, we've just been enjoying as much of this awesome weather as we can.  There have been many picnics and playground trips lately.  

On Saturday I had a fun Mommy/Daughter day with Rory.  We took Lena for a "run" in the morning, which was a lot of fun.  We only went about 3/4 mile, but she ran quite a bit.  Rory really wants to run with me and I promised her that if she could run/walk 3 miles with me by next summer, she could do the Color Run with me.  She is built like me and loves to eat anything with sugar and flour so I am bound and determined to make sure she doesn't end up just like her mom.  I don't want her going through the pain of being the "fat kid".  It would break my heart so I'm doing my best to get her excited about eating healthy and getting exercise. 

The scale hasn't moved much lately, which I am kind of ok with and kind of not ok with.  I don't want to be stuck here permanently.  I know that my body is very comfortable with the weight I am right now.  I spent most of my high school at this weight, but I don't want to stop here.  I want to take this body to places it hasn't been before and I'm trying to keep moving forward, no matter how long it takes.  I'm not giving up.

I hope you are all enjoying August.  This summer is going so incredibly fast!        

Small Victories and Painful Realities

Guess what, the scale moved!  It was only 1 pound, but I've been fighting so hard for some progress on the scale.  I guess I'll take anything given the fact that I've been gaining and losing the same 4 pounds over and over again since January.  

I'm also wearing a pair of size 18 jeans today.  I honestly don't remember the last time I've been able to do that, I think it may have been early on in high school.  It is nice to know that even though the scale isn't moving, my body is changing.

I made it to the gym on Monday and Thursday night and ran outside on Tuesday night with Lena.  It was my first run with her so I wasn't quite sure how it was going to go, but she did really well.  She only tried to kill me twice by bolting in front of me.  It was only 2.5 miles, but it was my fastest non-treadmill pace at that distance, so I was pretty excited about that.  After my run, I got cleaned up and then James and I headed out on a date night and went for a 2.7 mile walk around Como Park and then had dinner at Punch Pizza.  According to my heart rate monitor, I burned more calories on our walk than on my run, which is interesting, but I think it was because I was in an anaerobic zone for most of my run. Tomorrow is a long run day, 11 miles on the plan, I hope the weather cooperates!

Even with all the good things going on, I've been feeling pretty sad and vacant lately, kind of like I'm just walking around in a fog most of the time.  Last night, all I wanted was a chocolate chip cookie from McDonald's.  James had to take Lena to the vet and I asked him to pick some up on the way home.  Luckily, the drive thru line was too long so they came home without the cookies.  I knew I didn't actually "need" a cookie, but that was how I felt and I hate that I feel that way.  I over analyze pretty much every thought and feeling that I have, and the simple fact that I even craved a cookie left me feeling extremely depressed and I ended up just going to bed after the kids were in bed.   

I don't want to feel like a cookie, or any other food, is going to make me happy.  I know it isn't.  I don't want to yell at my kiddos when they are just doing things that kiddos their age do, but I do.  I don't want to focus on my imperfections, but they constantly cloud my thoughts.  

I want God to be enough. I know that he is.  It kills me to not be able to find the joy that I know I should have in Him.  It is really hard as a Christian to even admit that I have a difficult time finding joy because it feels like I am doing something wrong.  I must not be spending enough time in The Word.  I must not spend enough time praying.  I must be spiritually immature.  Everything I've read about finding joy says to do all of the things I'm already doing, but still, it doesn't work.  How can I love God, know that he loves me and still feel so empty?  

As I'm asking myself this, the painful reality hit me.  As much as I want to believe and tell myself that I don't still battle with depression, it becomes painfully clear to me that I do.  And I hate that.

I think, somehow, my body reacted differently than most women's do to the hormones that come along with pregnancy and breastfeeding.  Instead of hanging on to pregnancy weight gain, mine came off quickly.  Instead of post partum depression, I, for the most part, felt better than usual.  I have struggled with depression since I was 10.  I've had many visits with psychologists and took anti-depressants off and on during my 20's.  I really wanted that chapter of my life to just be done with and hoped that the last six years or so  meant that I had turned the corner, but I think I was wrong.....and it sucks.

So I've been trying to process the painful truth about my brain and how it just doesn't like to function like most people's.  I wish it did, life would be much easier.  

So today I write this for anyone else out there who also struggles.  It is possible to be a Christian, to know, love and serve a God who loves us more than we'll ever fully comprehend and yet still struggle with depression and anxiety.  It is taboo, no one wants to talk about it.  But if I can at least let one other person out there know that they aren't alone, then I'll happily throw my struggles out there for the world to see.  Relevant magazine had an article about this recently - you can check it out here

There are moments where God's love breaks through and I feel whole, but it doesn't seem to last.  Moments like tonight at church where I just stood and cried, with my lips trembling too hard to form the words that everyone else was singing  

When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me.  And oh, how He loves us oh, oh, how He loves us, how He loves us all (How He Loves - David Crowder Band)

I needed that song tonight.  It reminded me that even though I don't always feel His love, He is fighting for me and will do whatever it takes to make sure I know it.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.  Exodus 14:14 (ESV)

 
       

Perfect Peace

Howdy.

Stomach flu 2.0 visited our house this week, it has been lovely.  It started with Mr. Oskar, then I got it and then Mr. Ragerpants had it.  I felt crappy Tuesday and Wednesday and then worked from home and took care of kiddos at the same time on Thursday and Friday.  It is always fun trying to play the mute/unmute game on conference calls when I'm working from home with the kids.  It is nice to work with people who are understanding and it is a huge blessing to have a job that is extremely flexible. 

On top of the stomach bug, James has been going on week number three of a headache that won't go away.  He's been to the doctor a few times and had a CT scan and they can't seem to identify the cause.  He has been out of commission for the past couple of days and it is taking a toll on him.  I honestly don't remember the last time he was actually healthy and felt well, I just wish "they" could figure out what the deal is. 

So with all of that, my fitness has taken a bit of a back seat this week.  I only made it to the gym on Monday morning and Friday night.  I spent about an hour and a half there Friday night and it was glorious.  I really wish I had more time to workout because I enjoy it so much.  It is a happy place for me, despite feeling extremely self-conscious at times.  It is really nice to get back into a lifting routine.  I have 4 miles on the schedule for tomorrow and I'm thinking I'll probably end up running on the treadmill at home while the kids take their nap in the afternoon since the weather is so disgusting here.

I finally re-lost the 4 or so pounds I re-gained while in my "funk" and I'm trying to focus on moving forward without looking at how far I have left to go and taking it one pound at a time.  I've been following Lisa Rambo from The Biggest Loser 14 on Facebook and Instagram and I am completely inspired by her.  She is going to be starting a blog soon and I am very much looking forward to it.  She is also a Christian and was very successful at moving forward with her weight loss after being sent home from the ranch and always has positive thoughts to share.  She is just such a joyful woman, I think I could learn a lot from her.  I'm drawing a lot of my motivation lately from her story so I'm hoping I'll get some good tips and recipes on her blog. 

I woke up super early this morning and had a hard time getting back to sleep because I was feeling really anxious and unsettled.  I'm very concerned about my hubby's head and how much work he has had to miss because of it and I was playing out all of these horrible scenarios in my head....never good.  I finally realized that my thoughts weren't at all productive or helpful so I grabbed my phone and opened up YouVersion.  I was looking through verses that I've bookmarked and there were two that made my eyes well up with tears and brought me back to a better frame of mind.

Isaiah 26:3-4

Revelation 21:3-4



I bookmarked both of them a couple of weeks ago on the same day I think, which I didn't think anything of until I started to feel a bit anxious again tonight so I grabbed my actual Bible (I use the ESV Study Bible from Crossway and love it!) to see what the commentary on Isaiah 26:3 said.

Yeah, I may have had an ugly cry after I saw that Revelation 21:4 was referenced in the commentary for Isaiah 26:3.  God is so good to me and practically hits me over the head with his love and mercy on days when I'm really struggling to feel it.  The reason both of those passages brought me such comfort is because they go hand in hand. 

I am thankful that I have my foundation on a rock as solid as a God who will wipe away EVERY tear, who's love is never ending and never failing.   I am very much looking forward to that day.  For now, I will find peace in the fact that I know that day is coming and that he loves me.  I know that he has a plan for my life and will use all of the struggles, all of the tears and all of the pain for good.  There is so much peace in that.  I just have to remember to keep my mind on those truths and not the lies that I tell myself. 

I saw a quote on Facebook this week that was very timely for me and it all kind of ties in with this.

"The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. And the beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety." ~George Mueller

My prayer tonight is that God would help me keep growing in my faith, that I will learn to trust him completely.  I pray that I keep my mind focused on him so that I always remember who he is and who he says I am. 

After all, that is what this journey is all about, isn't it?