Failure, Perfectionism and Obedience

Happy Sunday!

I'm flying high off of a powerful baptism weekend at our church.  We went to service last night and it was awesome.  There was three older kids that were baptised together and we were sitting close to their family and I just couldn't stop the tears from flowing.  I don't think I could handle it if all three of my kiddos were baptised at the same time, I think my heart would explode.  I can't think of a more exciting day in a parent's life than watching your child take such an amazing step of obedience and faith.   

I was volunteering in kids ministry this morning, but was able to watch the baptisms from the 9:00 service on a TV.  Then I decided to go the 11:00 service again with my sister, brother in law and sister in law.  (My sister in law is a self professed baptism junkie, and I think I may be one too.)  I was soooo happy that I stayed for the 11:00 because I got to see a lot of friends publicly declare their faith.  Tears of joy just kept flowing as we sat worshipping and watching.   

I grew up Lutheran and was baptised as an infant, but James and I were baptised together in 2007.  I know a lot of people aren't familiar with believer/adult baptism, but it is so incredibly powerful!  It is a very emotional step of obedience and as I grow closer with people in our church community, each baptism that I get to watch gets much more joyful and exciting.  I love seeing the Holy Spirit at work in peoples lives, and it was so very present this weekend.  Sometimes I get frustrated with aspects of our church, but there is no denying that God is doing amazing things there and it is an amazing privilege to be a part of it.  Lives are constantly being transformed.  (You can see more about how we do baptism by following this link http://vimeo.com/55874255 )

My middle son, Raymond, a.k.a. Rage, joined us at the 11:00 service.  He would normally go to Kid-o-Deo, but after already being there twice this weekend, there was no way I was going to get him in for a third.  I wasn't about to deal with an epic tantrum in the middle of the hallway at church, so he joined us.  I love that boy to pieces, but he can be exhausting at times.  It has been a struggle since day one with him, he is very strong willed and also very emotional, so it makes for an interesting mix.  At his 3 year well child check, we filled out the developmental survey and he is behind in a few areas and is also not able to regulate his emotions, which means we sometimes have days that are one long drawn out temper tantrum and we have some days that he is perfectly happy.  He gets really upset over really silly things, like when I turn left instead of right, when I say a particular word or if I look at him the wrong way.  In one word, he is intense. 

We were given a referral to 1-800-helpmegrow and they referred us to St. Paul Public Schools.  The first step was his kindergarten screening, so we did that, they said he had a fine-motor delay and some speech issues, but didn't offer any help.  They also gave us a referral for some of his emotional regulation issues, which ended with someone calling me and telling me that the reason we have difficulties with him is because of how I react to him.  I've never been so frustrated, defeated and hopeless in my life.

I ended up taking things into my own hands and contacted Children's Theraplay.  The minute I talked to someone on the phone there, I started to feel like there might be some hope.  I took him in a couple weeks ago for an evaluation and they decided to focus on his fine-motor skills because they thought it would be the easiest thing to score him on for insurance reimbursement.  After they did his evaluation, the occupational therapist met with me to review his results.  He absolutely has a fine-motor skill delay and she was confident that insurance would cover therapy, very good news!  However, we also talked about a few things which made realize just how similar my son and I are/am...not sure which is correct, I was never any good at grammar.

Everyone that I've discussed his behaviors with tells me it is because he is a middle child.  Well, I'm a middle child, so I refused to believe that, but I think there could be something to it.  Anyway, during his evaluation, when the therapist asked him to do certain things, he would say "no, I can't".  This is a phrase I'm very familiar with.  She would continue to work with him and get him to try, but whenever he tried to do something that he said he couldn't do, he struggled greatly.  He is very aware of what he can and can't do and didn't want to do anything that he knew he couldn't do.  The therapist asked me if I thought there might be some perfectionism there and I just sat there, dumbfounded for a minute because suddenly, everything started to make sense.  I believe my reply to her was, "If he is my son, and he is, then I am 100% positive that perfectionism could be an issue." 

I struggled for so long with trying to be perfect, completely paralyzed by the fear of failure, and now, my sweet little boy is following in my footsteps.  Since I am aware of this struggle in myself, we have been extra cautious in this area with our kids, encouraging them to do things even if they aren't good at it.  Giving them positive reinforcement for trying things even if they don't succeed....and yet, that fear of not doing things perfectly is in him.  The therapist is very optimistic that we can make great strides with him since he is so young, so I am very much looking forward to seeing him transform, but I know it isn't going to be easy. 

I have noticed that I'm starting to see the fear of failure creep into my life in some areas.  Specifically, in the area of weight loss.  I am so afraid that I'm not going to get past this plateau that I am on.  I'm afraid that I'll never be happy with the body staring back at me in the mirror.  I keep trying so hard and the scale just isn't moving.  So I start to wonder, should I be doing something else.  Is this ever going to work.  Maybe I'm just meant to be fat.  I'm wanting to bail on something that is the best thing for me and my family because I'm not losing weight as fast as other people and even though I've lost 99.2 pounds, I'm still bigger than most of the contestants on The Biggest Loser.  Some days, I just want to quit trying.

The good thing, is that it is just some days and the better thing is that I could never let all of you down!  I'm in this, it might be a REALLY long journey, but I will get there.

I was praying about my struggles the other day and 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 came into my head: 

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

I don't need to be perfect because I believe in a God who is.  I don't need to be strong, because God makes himself known through my weakness.  This whole blog is me boasting about my weaknesses and trusting that God will make Himself known through them.  Sometimes I forget that, but He is always there to remind me.  I pray that my little boy will learn to know this some day and I will do my best to teach him.

*I was hoping to do a 100 pound update, but I'm just not there yet, but I did take some progress pictures the other day.  99.2 pounds lost

 

 

Now 



            

Lonely

It has been a rough weekend for me emotionally.  I am so overwhelmed with life right now and not doing a very good job at trusting God.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to stop worrying about things and just trust that God's got my back.  He's always had it before, so why would this time be any different.  There are some great words in Luke regarding this that I have to remind myself of every time I find myself in a funk like this:

"22And he said to his disciples, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. 23For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried 30For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12: 22-31 (ESV)

 

 I would have added so many hours to my life if being anxious actually did add hours. 

I know that the words that Jesus spoke to his disciples are true and I very much believe them, but I struggle so much with living it.  I usually do ok on a day to day basis and then every once in a while, everything just piles up and one small thing will throw me over the edge....like tiles falling off of our bathroom wall. 

Last night three tiles fell off of the wall by our bathtub.  The day before I had noticed water dripping onto the basement floor below our bathroom.  If we were anymore underwater on our mortgage, we'd all need dive gear.  Our furnace is on it's last leg.  Our van needs some serious work.  I have no idea how to parent my middle child.  The scale is moving the wrong direction.   

Too much.

In the grand scheme of things, all of these things are so small.  We have a roof over our heads.  We have food to eat.  I have healthy children to parent, a husband who loves me and the best family a girl could as for.  But most of all, I have a God who provides.

Even with all of this, I struggle.

After lunch I had put the boys down for their nap and I was waiting for Rory to finish cleaning up her spot.  She started talking about feelings and people being happy or sad.  I asked her if she thought I was happy or sad and she said "I think you are lonely".  We hadn't even talked about anyone being lonely.  She quickly changed her answer to be "happy", but the minute the word lonely came out of her mouth, the tears welled up in my eyes.

My 4 year old girl is very in tune with her momma.  She was dead on.

Even though my life is full of love, sometimes I'm just really lonely.  It is really difficult to not have the same days off as my husband.  Even though we get to spend every evening together, life is so frantic that we are usually both just trying to get things done and don't have a lot of quality time to spend together.  I miss him on the weekends, I do get very lonely.  It is so silly feeling lonely in a house with three kiddos, but that is where I'm at.  I saw a quote that made so much sense to me today

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word, loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word, solitude to express the glory of being alone." --Paul Tillich

It is so true.  Sometimes there is glory in being along and sometimes there is anguish. 

It is times like this that I am just forced to lean into Jesus and face the truth that I was not made for this world

¹⁷ Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹ Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:17-21 (ESV)

I am lonely because I yearn for a life in heaven with my heavenly father.  This is not my home.

I have to make the choice each day to not set my mind on earthly things. I have to make a conscious decision to not worry about the things in this world that pile up and bring me anxiety.  I have to choose daily to not make my belly my god.  Being a Christian doesn't mean that life is always unicorns and rainbows, it just means that I can find peace and trust in a God that will never forsake me.  I will probably always struggle with this, but God has a plan and a purpose for that as well.

^"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 (ESV) 

God will use my weakness for His glory.  It is a beautiful thing.