Enduring

I've wanted to sit down and write a post many times over the past week but I just haven't had the time or emotional energy.  I had to work 12 hours on the 17th and then I worked a regular 40 hour work week following that.  I put in close to 50 hours last week and I didn't really recover over the weekend so I'm kind of at that really fun point where one little thing might set me over the edge.  Despite that, I'm here to update on a bunch of random thoughts and happenings.

After I worked that lovely 12 hour shift last Sunday, I met a friend for coffee.   We have known each other since I was 13, so almost 18 years.  About half of those years were spent not talking to each other due to  some not-so fun college drama caused by the very immature person I used to be.  There are very few people outside of my family that know the various versions of me that have existed in my 31 years of life, she is one of them.  I cut ties with pretty much everyone I knew in college because I didn't like the person I was then and I felt a lot of shame, guilt and embarrassment for a lot of the decisions made during a three year span of my life. 

However, God isn't done with either of us and wasn't satisfied with how our relationship ended and he has been working big time in both of our lives.  Through the wonders of social networking, we reconnected a few years ago and have started to rebuild our friendship.  It is providence, plain and simple that God has us both in the spot we are in at this point in time so that we can work together to achieve some similar goals in our lives and in our faith.  

It didn't hit me until I was home from our coffee date, in my bed, spending some end of the day time with God that I realized just how different I am now compared to the girl I was in or freshly out of college.  For once in my life, I actually felt like I was a new creation.  Like God's love, patience and mercy wasn't wasted on me, He has transformed me and I am new.  Without her acknowledging that I have changed, I don't know that I would have been able to realize this.  I'm excited to get to start growing our relationship again with Christ at the center of it, which is very different from before. 

Fast forward to last Saturday & Sunday. 

I went to church on Saturday night and the message was fantastic and it started out with a running story.  I had a long run on the schedule for Sunday of 8 miles, farther than I have ever run before, so I was excited to have a little extra motivation to keep me pushing ahead.  You can check out the message here.  

The message was called "Why I Keep Going" and it was the last in our "Am I Really a Christian?" series.  Pastor Jason Anderson outlined three ways to develop endurance:

1) Push through trouble 

2) Let God shape your beliefs, not culture 

3) Draw near to God and stay there

Pretty great stuff.  One of the passages that he focused on has stuck with me and I've read it a few times this week

Therefore, my beloved,  as you have always  obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling,  for  it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for  his good pleasure.  Do all things  without grumbling or  questioning,  that you may be blameless and innocent,  children of God  without blemish  in the midst of  a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine  as lights in the world,  holding fast to  the word of life, so that in  the day of Christ  I may be proud that  I did not run in vain or labor in vain. (Phil 2:12-16, ESV)

On Sunday, I started to mentally prepare for my run.  My mom came over to watch the kiddos during their nap so that I could head out on my run before James got home from work.  I headed out around 1:30 and ran on a trail that follows the Mississippi River, I was doing a 4 mile out and back trip.  The sky was overcast, it was in the low 30's and light flakes of snow were slowly falling.  In my book, it was a really crappy day for running, but I wasn't going to let that stop me.  I got my play list ready and started run keeper and I was off.  I tried really hard to focus on keeping my pace nice and slow so that I could run as long as possible before taking a walking break.  I decided that the only way I was going to make an 8 mile run was if God was with me, so I decided to take the opportunity to pray.  I prayed for the entire 8 miles, I made it about 6.5 miles before I had to take a quick walking break and walking was actually more difficult because I had formed a really nice rhythm, so I quickly went back to running.  I kept running until about mile 7 and then had to take another quick break and then I finished strong to the end.  My pace got slower with each mile, so I really want to focus on starting even slower to try and keep the pace more steady, but overall, I was happy with how the run went.

Here are the results.  I think I'll always be painfully slow, at least until I'm out of the obese/overweight category.  I run much better when I accept that.

I stopped to snap a picture quickly on my way back

The best part of the run was during mile 5 when I was headed back to the car, I was headed up a small hill and I hadn't taken a break yet and I was in complete awe of the endurance that God had given me.  The song Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture was on, the chorus of the song was on and the lyrics are

There is power in the name of Jesus to break every chain

I could literally feel my body getting lighter as I powered up the hill and in my mind I just had this visual of throwing off chains and baggage and leaving them on the hill.  It was AMAZING!  It was such a reminder to me that God has helped me to get rid of the chains keeping me enslaved to food and self doubt.  He is giving me the strength to endure long runs and the difficult times in my faith.  God makes THE BEST running partner, hands down. 

Inevitably, after having a wonderful afternoon where I felt extremely connected to God, by the end of the day, I felt completely depleted and defeated.  Spiritual warfare is real friends, I strongly believe that. 

From Sunday evening through last night, I was extremely crabby, my eating was out of control and I started to have major doubts about signing up to run a half marathon.  I saw an article written by an elite athlete talking about how slow runners and people who walk are a disgrace to the sport of running and have no respect and have no place in races.  I was really irritated because they made it sound like people who aren't in the front of the pack don't train hard and don't take things seriously, which is far from true.  Then, yesterday during a quick stress-relief run before my small group, I was heckled by a passer by in a car.  It has been a while since that has happened and it crushed me. 

Last night I started to feel better after small group with my bestest ladies.  We are studying Romans and there are some really great discussion questions in the study we are doing (Romans: A Blackaby Bible Study Series). 

I did end up making an appointment with a doctor who specializes in weight loss because I'm done with being frustrated trying to figure out the right balance of nutrition on my own and there are way too many opinions out there.  I'm meeting with a doctor because I want a medical opinion, I don't want to be sold on any fad diets or products, I just want an honest assessment of where I am and where I am going.  I'm also hoping meeting with this specialist will help me set a reasonable long term goal.

Well, I suppose that about does it for updates.  If I don't get the chance to post again before Sunday, Happy Easter!!!  If you live in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area and want to go to a church but don't have anyone to go with, please e-mail me!  We'd love to have you join our family and I promise it won't be weird and no one will make you do anything you don't want to do.  I am 100% serious about this.     

Unrealistic Expectations

I had a really crappy run today.

My legs felt heavy and tired, I started feeling like I was going to hurl about a mile in and I couldn't breathe very well because I had phlegm in my throat.  Just a couple weeks ago, I ran 4 miles without stopping and today I couldn't even run 2....it gets really frustrating for me to be so inconsistent. 

I think the main reason I felt so tired was due to my overall health lately.  I woke up in the middle of the night on Monday feeling like I was about to throw up and have maintained a state of nausea since then.  It has been about 4 weeks straight of GI issues for me and I'm so over it.  I went to the doctor yesterday because I don't think a diet of animal crackers, Egg McMuffins and Frosted Wheat is optimal, but that is pretty much the only foods I've been able to stomach for the past few weeks.  I feel like I have morning sickness, but I promise you, I'm not pregnant. 

My doctor ordered some lab work to check my blood count and check my liver/pancreas enzyme levels and all of those came back normal, so there is really no good explanation for why I keep feeling like garbage.  He gave me a prescription for Omeprazole because he thinks I might have the early stages of a peptic ulcer and said that I should come back in if I don't start to feel better after a week of taking that.

So we'll give it a week an hopefully I'll start to feel better, but it is really difficult to keep running and getting exercise when you feel like you are going to puke before you even start.  It is also hard to give my body the nutrients it needs on a very limited diet.

I had a couple of good cries during my run because I just felt so defeated and frustrated.  I realized when I got back home that the very first time I ran outside on the same route was about a year ago, so I decided to look at how long it took me then verses how long it took me today, even though today was crappy

This is my walk/run last year

This is my walk/run today

So over the past year, although sometimes it feels like I haven't improved at all, I have improved my average pace pretty significantly.  But I expected so much more for myself.

I tend to have unrealistic expectations frequently in my life, especially when it comes to personal expectations.  This theme in my life has generally lead to success in academics and work, but I really think if I don't get my physical expectations under control, it could end up being my downfall.

The problem is that I have no idea what reasonable expectations even look like.  I've always been a shoot for the moon kind of girl.  I thought about asking my doctor if there is someone I could set up an appointment with to try and help me set realistic expectations for my overall fitness levels.  I don't want to self destruct or sabotage the progress that I've made and I definitely feel that coming on some days.  

This afternoon as I was headed to pick up Ragerpants for his OT appointment, I heard a song that I've heard many times before, Remind Me Who I Am, by Jason Gray.  They overplay it so I don't always listen, but today I was actually paying attention to this portion of the song and it really hit deep

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

The last line has pretty much been my prayer lately.  I know God loves me but I have such a hard time believing it some days.  I just want to be confident in that and be able to love myself enough to celebrate my accomplishments without always focusing on what needs to be improved.

I realize for regular readers that you are probably saying to yourselves, "this girl says the same thing over and over".  It is true, I do tend to struggle over and over with the same things, but I'm not giving up!  That must count for something, right?

I did look at graphical representation of my weight over the past eight years or so today and it was kind of exciting to see that I weigh less than I have in quite a while.  This is just from doctor appointments, so it doesn't capture everything, but it is an accurate representation.  The peak was when I was 8 months pregnant with my first kiddo and I don't count pregnancy weight in my overall weight loss, but if I did, my total weight loss would be around 125 pounds. 

I just have to remember that no matter how slowly it is happening, I am moving in the right direction.

Thanks for reading and listening to me "unpack" this stuff over and over.  I know it probably gets old, but it is my life :-)

 
 
     

The Same Spirit

Today was a REALLY rough day for me in the eating department.  I polished off an entire loaf of Cub's Cinnamon Swirl Bread all by myself throughout the day.....who does that?  Apparently a very stressed Tammy does.  It wasn't even that good....very sad.

I'm not typically a "binger", I just tend to eat much more than I should, but today I just could not stop myself.  I kept telling myself I was done and then I'd reach for another piece and then all the feelings of shame and disgust followed.

I am emotionally and physically spent this week and I tend to revert back to my "old ways" when that happens.  My middle son was up most of the night on Monday throwing up, my youngest decided Tuesday and Wednesday night that screaming in the middle of the night is SUPER fun and both of them have been waking up at 5:00am.  We try to get them back to sleep, but it rarely happens.  I have to get all three of them and myself out the door by 7am three days a week and every other Sunday. So when two of them get up before I do and I start my day out with whining, fighting and crying, I have a difficult time keeping a positive attitude.  Today was one of those days.

It was followed up with a phone call from my husband at 9:00 or so saying he was coming home sick from work.  Then, as I was on my way to pick up Rage for his OT appointment, I got a text from our daycare provider that he was throwing up (again!).  That was the breaking point for me.  We've been dealing with colds, ear infections, diarrhea, puke, croup and sinus infections pretty much non stop since December and I've had my fill.  We haven't all been healthy for quite some time and I'm so ready for this to be over. 

As I was in the middle of my major meltdown, I read the Caring Bridge site for the daughter of a couple we used to be in a small group with and I was quickly reminded how extremely small my so-called problems are.  Other than one extra night in the NICU for my daughter after I was discharged, we've never had to spend the night in a hospital with any of our children and that is a major blessing.  Although the constant stream of viruses has been annoying, it is nothing compared to what so many people with kids suffering from life-altering diagnoses go through.  I was quickly brought back to a place of thankfulness and peace. 

I watched the last message in the Altar Ego series from LifeChurch.tv as I was on the treadmill tonight and it was quite timely.  The message was called "My Longing for Approval" and it was just what I needed to hear.  Although I am internally motivated to achieve goals in my life, I have always struggled greatly in needing the approval of others in my words, thoughts and actions.  Basically, I try way to hard to not offend people and make everyone like me.  I can spend hours trying to carefully construct once sentence of an e-mail to make sure I get my point across but don't leave anyone feeling hurt.  I've avoid confrontation and difficult conversations like the plague...but in the end, this doesn't actually help anyone.

One of the verses that Craig Groeschel quoted in his message was Romans 8:11, "If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you." (ESV)

I started to think about just how completely crazy and amazing it is that the same Spirit that lives in me raised Jesus from the dead.  It is one of those things that although I know and have heard many times before, never really clicked like it did for me today.  How awesome is that?  I've just been feeling so defeated with life lately that I needed the reminder that I have absolutely nothing to worry about because if the Spirit of God could raise Jesus from the dead, then surely that same Spirit can help me overcome whatever hurdles I may meet....just as long as I remember to invite it into my daily life. 

When I started this journey I was praying daily for God to fill me with the Spirit so that I could be sustained throughout my day and do whatever His will was for me that day.  Somewhere along the way I stopped praying that and it has been very noticeable.  It is amazing how quickly I can lose focus when life starts to get complicated.

I love what it says at the end of Romans 8
 

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?  As it is written, "For your sake, we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35-39 (ESV)
 

We are more than conquerors through HIM who loved us.  There is so much hope in that.   So even though my day wasn't that great, I'm choosing to end it trusting in his truth.  Nothing will separate me (or you!) from the love of God.  Not another puking kid.  Not an entire loaf of Cinnamon Swirl Bread.  Not a number on the scale.  NOTHING.  Plain and simple.  His love is available for everyone, you can never be too far, too dirty, too broken, he will be there with arms full of love waiting to swallow you up.

If his grace is an ocean, we're all sinking....

 
 

If you can't say anything nice....

It has been 13 days since my last post, and that feels like a very long time.  There were many times where I thought about sitting down to write out a blog post, but stopped myself because the things I was thinking at the moment wouldn't have been very helpful, nice or God honoring.  I can always tell how my life is going by the inner monologue I have regarding myself and innocent bystanders.  I get down right nasty in my thought life sometimes and it scares me....so thankful that I'm covered by God's grace and new beginnings because I'm ready to say so long to the attitude I've had the past couple of weeks.

After I posted on the 18th, I started to feel kind of nauseous.  I was thinking it was the Chinese food that I'd had for lunch and went to bed early hoping I'd feel better in the morning....but what mother of three small children ever actually gets to sleep all night long?  I was up multiple times and every time I stood up, it took everything in me not to lose said lunch.  This permanently nauseous, no appetite state continued for the remainder of the week with no other symptoms.  When I was praying for God to give me the self-control to keep the boot on and rest my foot, I didn't really have a stomach ailment in mind, but I guess it did the trick.  Feeling like garbage for an entire week kept me from doing anything remotely physical.  On Friday afternoon (the 22nd) I started having some additional, extremely undesirable symptoms and they pretty much continued off and on throughout the weekend. 

I didn't really feel like myself until this past Monday, so I had seven full days of doing absolutely nothing and hardly eating anything.  I finally hit the 100lbs lost mark and just kept on going right to 104lbs.  It really wasn't very exciting when the circumstances were what they were.

In full disclosure, hitting the 100lbs lost mark actually made me quite depressed.  I think I've worked through everything in my head at this point, so I'm gonna go ahead and throw out a few of the thoughts I had.

• "I just lost 100 pounds and I am still considered obese based on BMI, how ridiculous is that.  I have to lose 40 more just to be considered overweight."
• "I just lost 100 pounds and I can still barely fit into an XXL shirt from Target"
• "I just lost 100 pounds and it took me forever, everyone I know is losing weight and getting "fit" and doing it so much better and faster than I am, I suck at this."
• "I need to try harder, it is taking too long.  I need to do what he/she is doing."

Truth is, losing 100 pounds and still having 80 or so to go until the CDC/society considers my weight as "optimal" is extremely defeating.

I had my own little pitty party, some people who I admire and am proud of for making amazing strides in their own efforts to be healthy were verbally accosted by the jealous rants in my head.  Thus, I decided to keep my thoughts to myself for a while and try to figure out where in the world they were coming from.

Of course they were coming from the wonderful land of -er that I often find myself in...I slid myself back into that wonderful place Andy Stanley called "The Comparison Trap".  I'm seriously starting to wonder if I'll ever break free of this awful place.

I figured out that the first step for me was to "unfollow" a few people that I consider friends in various social media outlets because their successes were causing me to greatly devalue my own.  I have been comparing myself to women who, outside of pregnancy, have probably never spent a day outside of the "optimal" area on the BMI chart.  I turned this little fact into a reason to start disliking people....ridiculous!  So instead of constantly being mad at people who I genuinely like and respect, I decided that I couldn't celebrate their successes with them for a while until I could start chipping away at the ugliness that lives inside of my soul. 

This isn't something that I'm at all proud of, but it is part of what has grown inside of me while hating myself for so many years.  So I'm working through this bitterness, jealously and angst and would appreciate any prayers to help break through them.  I want to be able to celebrate with other people who are being successful in their journey, even if for them it means turning an already gorgeous body into an even stronger, leaner, healthy body.

I have been feeling more positive this weekend and have been slowly working through things with my Bible and a whole lot of prayer.  Today was my first long run since giving the CAM boot the boot and kicking the stomach bug to the curb.  It was a GORGEOUS Minnesota day and I basically had an hour long time of worship out on the trail.  I did 5 miles and felt like I would have been able to run the entire thing but the trail conditions were quite sketchy in a few areas and I had to walk to maintain two feet on the ground.  Shortly after I had hit the turnaround point, the song "Always" by Kristian Stanfill came on, it hit the chorus and I lost it.  I had an ugly cry in the middle of my run that turned into a beautiful moment of worship with my head and arms held high....moments like these I'm very thankful that the trail I was on isn't very busy. 

I'm just going to go ahead an post the lyrics here because they are pretty amazing (Jason Ingram, the song writer, is so gifted)

Always - Jason Ingram/Kristian Stanfill

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Trouble surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength alwaysI will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

From You Lord, from You Lord

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always, always

Deuteronomy 31:6-8 says:
"Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."  Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the sight of all Israel, "Be strong and courageous, for you shall go with this people into the land that the Lord has sworn to their fathers to give them, and you shall put them in possession of it.  It is the Lord who goes before you.  He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed."

God was absolutely with me on my run today.  He is with me EVERY single step of every single day, and I have a really hard time remembering this.  I'm thankful for the moments that he shines through the darkness of my mind to make me feel His never ending and unfailing love.

So here I am, 100 pounds lighter, still struggling through this, but knowing that He will not delay, His promise is true and My God WILL come through.....because He always does.  His timing isn't the same as my timing, the weight isn't coming off as quickly as I'd like it to, but it is coming off and He is getting me there.

Here are a few random pictures from the last couple of weeks, plus one adorable video of my daughter, because I'm an extremely proud momma.  

Could you do that when you were four???  I know I couldn't. 

My little sister and her daughter

Me and my niece

 

Me and my daughter at the zoo