Bring the Rain

This evening as I was attempting to remove the dry, fossilized dog poo from our back yard, which, lets be honest, is essentially a giant turd at this point in time, I had a revelation.  We, here in Minnesota, and I, in my soul, need some rain.

It has been a LONG winter.  The signs of spring just showed up last week.  Sometimes I forget just how lovely it is to step outside and not have the air hurt your face.  The good people of Minnesota have been cooped up for a long time and they are coming out for warm air and sunshine in droves.  The parks and trails seem a bit like an ant hill that just got smashed and people are scurrying all over trying to take in as much of the fresh air as possible.

Any chance I have had to be outside this past week, I have taken.  Last Friday as I was running outside, I pulled off my coat and exposed my upper arms to sunshine and fresh air, something they haven't seen or felt since last October.  As I pulled off my overcoat and the warm air enveloped me, I threw my arms to the side, let out a giant breath and promptly proceeded to cry.  

I realized in that moment that I felt like I'd been holding my breath since about November, just waiting to exhale and take a new breath in.  Last week I finally felt like I was able to breathe again.  

Many people suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, a type of depression that is related to changes in the seasons.  I'm not sure if that was my story this winter, or if it was a combination of many other things, but I've spent the last six months or so more anxious and depressed than I've been in ten years, and it was rough.  Last time I was this depressed, I didn't have three children to keep up with.  Having them around forced me to keep getting up to face each day, even when the only thing I wanted to do was to stay in bed and sleep. 

Other times when I've been a little depressed, I've done my best just to keep moving forward and following my routines until I feel "normal" again.  When I tried the same approach this time, instead of feeling better, I became unable to meet the basic demands of life.  When feeding my kids and making minor decisions at work ended in panic attacks, I determined it was time to take some action.  

I started seeing a therapist again in March and have slowly been starting to see the light.  She has been helping me work through my disordered thinking, self loathing and complete lack of grace for myself.  It has been going well, I have been making progress in recognizing negative thoughts and turning them around.  After seeing her on Friday and having a great day yesterday, I was starting to think I had turned the corner.  But today I ended up spending half of the afternoon curled up under a blanket on the couch with tears streaming down my face and no motivation to do anything else...so I guess you could say I still have some work to do.  (I'm hoping that this setback is a side effect of a new medication that I started last week at the recommendation of a cardiologist, which is a story for another day.)

But back to my revelation.

After I pulled myself out of the cocoon I had created on the couch to address the multiple cries for food from my children, I decided to head outside to get some fresh air and attempt to rid our yard of the poopy mess.  As I was exploring our yard, I realized how dirty and lifeless this in between season is.  Yes, the barren, frozen, darkness of the winter has passed, but as the white snow melts away, all it does is expose the filth that has accumulated over the winter.  Death and decay is still everywhere you look.  There are tiny hints of new life in the buds on the trees and the shoots of green coming out of the ground, but grime and decomposition are still quite prevalent.  

Sheldon Rogers/Global News

I always think of spring as the season of new life, which it definitely is, but new life doesn't come without a cleansing rain to wash away all of the newly exposed filth.  As I realized how badly we need rain to wash away the muck outside, it hit me that my soul is in the exact same place.

I've done the work to expose the crud in my head and heart, but I'm still waiting for the purifying water.  The good thing is that I know where to find it, I just tend to forget who to ask.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.  If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth.  But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:5-7)

Jesus is the answer and has everything I've been in need of.  

I know that this winter has been hard on so many people I love.  I think we're all waiting for the light and new life to find us.  For some, it has, for others, we continue to wait patiently.  My prayer is that you would feel His love, mercy and grace crash over you like a tidal wave, covering you with his fierce love, carrying with it all of the dirt and grime into the vastness of the sea as it recedes.  And, that like the tide, His love would continually wash over you and carry away with it anything that isn't bringing you life, with the everlasting hope that the next wave is never far away. 

The forecast shows rain this week, I say bring it on.  As the drops of rain fall on your face and on the earth, let it be a reminder of the purifying love of Jesus.