I titled this blog post hangry (a hunger that turns to anger) because that pretty much sums up the majority of my emotional continuum this week. I have been RAVENOUS. I'm not sure if it is just my body trying to bulk up now that the weather is colder or what, but fighting that urge to want to eat everything in site is exhausting. I hate analyzing EVERY single piece of food that I put in my mouth. Tracking calories is extremely helpful for me, but also extremely defeating on bad days.
It is so easy to see how I gained so much weight while James and I were dating and newly married. We frequently dinned out and I'm learning very quickly that it is nearly impossible to not completely blow any kind of a calorie limit while at a restaurant. James brought me a cinnamon roll from Perkin's on Wednesday and the stupid thing was 600 calories. That is over 1/3 of my daily calorie goal....and in the past I would have eaten one and then a plate full of pancakes, eggs and bacon.
I have these thoughts about how much I hate restricting the food that I put in my mouth, and then I go and look at pictures or read a blog about Haiti and I just cry because of how completely ridiculous it is that I even get upset about having an abundance of food to force myself not to eat. We are so unbelievably blessed in this country. My daily struggle is due to an abundance of food while millions of people around the world struggle to find enough food to feed their families.....convicting....and yet I still get bitter and angry, I am praying so hard that God would change my heart.
My prayer in general lately has just been that God would help me see the areas on my life and in my character that I need to work on, that I need to surrender to him to help me change. Obviously, my struggle with food is a huge problem, but He has been showing me that I need to choose joy and contentment far more often than I do.
Joy is not something that comes naturally to me. There wasn't a lot of joy in my home growing up and it just isn't a feeling that I tend to have. My mother in law and sister in law just happen to be two of the most joy filled people I know. Both of them have struggled with cancer and both of them continue to have more joy than most people I know. They are truly an inspiration and a constant reminder to me.
I never fail at finding something to be discontent about. I looked at my pictures and the video of me finishing the 10K and all I could think about was how ridiculous I looked. Not, "wow, I actually did it, I crossed the finish line", just "gross, I look ridiculous".
I had to do two projects for the classes I went to the past couple of weeks ago and I submitted them feeling pretty confident that I covered everything. I got a 99/100 on both of them and I was upset. 1 point away from perfect...not good enough.
The examples could continue to spew out of my brain, but I'll spare you the details, I'm sure you get it by now.
Just once in my life I would like to actually feel a sense of accomplishment or contentment for things that I have done....but I never let myself get there. The most annoying thing about all of this is that I am aware of it, I know I do it, I know it is not good, I know that I should be joyful, but I just can't seem to make it happen. I think it is going to have to be something that I need to constantly remind myself of until it just becomes a habit.
I was looking for something that I can post around the house or carry with me to pray over to help me get this through my thick skull and I found some comfort in Psalm 63, specifically verse 5.
3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
4 So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6 when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7 for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
I will never be able to be the source of my own joy. I will never be pleased enough in my accomplishments. I need to find my joy in the ONLY person that can fully provide true joy and contentment, the one whose steadfast love is better than life. I have been trying to be more mindful of my discontentment lately and when I notice myself being discontented, I'm trying to stop myself to find something about the whatever I am upset about to thank God for.
Sorry for the emotional overload. This life change stuff is difficult at times.
Thanks for reading, and hopefully, the next post will be more joy filled.
As I often do, I'll leave you with a song that I can't get out of my head lately
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