Lonely

It has been a rough weekend for me emotionally.  I am so overwhelmed with life right now and not doing a very good job at trusting God.  I don't know why it is so hard for me to stop worrying about things and just trust that God's got my back.  He's always had it before, so why would this time be any different.  There are some great words in Luke regarding this that I have to remind myself of every time I find myself in a funk like this:

"22And he said to his disciples, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. 23For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? 26If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried 30For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things will be added to you." Luke 12: 22-31 (ESV)

 

 I would have added so many hours to my life if being anxious actually did add hours. 

I know that the words that Jesus spoke to his disciples are true and I very much believe them, but I struggle so much with living it.  I usually do ok on a day to day basis and then every once in a while, everything just piles up and one small thing will throw me over the edge....like tiles falling off of our bathroom wall. 

Last night three tiles fell off of the wall by our bathtub.  The day before I had noticed water dripping onto the basement floor below our bathroom.  If we were anymore underwater on our mortgage, we'd all need dive gear.  Our furnace is on it's last leg.  Our van needs some serious work.  I have no idea how to parent my middle child.  The scale is moving the wrong direction.   

Too much.

In the grand scheme of things, all of these things are so small.  We have a roof over our heads.  We have food to eat.  I have healthy children to parent, a husband who loves me and the best family a girl could as for.  But most of all, I have a God who provides.

Even with all of this, I struggle.

After lunch I had put the boys down for their nap and I was waiting for Rory to finish cleaning up her spot.  She started talking about feelings and people being happy or sad.  I asked her if she thought I was happy or sad and she said "I think you are lonely".  We hadn't even talked about anyone being lonely.  She quickly changed her answer to be "happy", but the minute the word lonely came out of her mouth, the tears welled up in my eyes.

My 4 year old girl is very in tune with her momma.  She was dead on.

Even though my life is full of love, sometimes I'm just really lonely.  It is really difficult to not have the same days off as my husband.  Even though we get to spend every evening together, life is so frantic that we are usually both just trying to get things done and don't have a lot of quality time to spend together.  I miss him on the weekends, I do get very lonely.  It is so silly feeling lonely in a house with three kiddos, but that is where I'm at.  I saw a quote that made so much sense to me today

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word, loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word, solitude to express the glory of being alone." --Paul Tillich

It is so true.  Sometimes there is glory in being along and sometimes there is anguish. 

It is times like this that I am just forced to lean into Jesus and face the truth that I was not made for this world

¹⁷ Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. ¹⁸ For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹ Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:17-21 (ESV)

I am lonely because I yearn for a life in heaven with my heavenly father.  This is not my home.

I have to make the choice each day to not set my mind on earthly things. I have to make a conscious decision to not worry about the things in this world that pile up and bring me anxiety.  I have to choose daily to not make my belly my god.  Being a Christian doesn't mean that life is always unicorns and rainbows, it just means that I can find peace and trust in a God that will never forsake me.  I will probably always struggle with this, but God has a plan and a purpose for that as well.

^"9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 (ESV) 

God will use my weakness for His glory.  It is a beautiful thing.