Unrealistic Expectations

I had a really crappy run today.

My legs felt heavy and tired, I started feeling like I was going to hurl about a mile in and I couldn't breathe very well because I had phlegm in my throat.  Just a couple weeks ago, I ran 4 miles without stopping and today I couldn't even run 2....it gets really frustrating for me to be so inconsistent. 

I think the main reason I felt so tired was due to my overall health lately.  I woke up in the middle of the night on Monday feeling like I was about to throw up and have maintained a state of nausea since then.  It has been about 4 weeks straight of GI issues for me and I'm so over it.  I went to the doctor yesterday because I don't think a diet of animal crackers, Egg McMuffins and Frosted Wheat is optimal, but that is pretty much the only foods I've been able to stomach for the past few weeks.  I feel like I have morning sickness, but I promise you, I'm not pregnant. 

My doctor ordered some lab work to check my blood count and check my liver/pancreas enzyme levels and all of those came back normal, so there is really no good explanation for why I keep feeling like garbage.  He gave me a prescription for Omeprazole because he thinks I might have the early stages of a peptic ulcer and said that I should come back in if I don't start to feel better after a week of taking that.

So we'll give it a week an hopefully I'll start to feel better, but it is really difficult to keep running and getting exercise when you feel like you are going to puke before you even start.  It is also hard to give my body the nutrients it needs on a very limited diet.

I had a couple of good cries during my run because I just felt so defeated and frustrated.  I realized when I got back home that the very first time I ran outside on the same route was about a year ago, so I decided to look at how long it took me then verses how long it took me today, even though today was crappy

This is my walk/run last year

This is my walk/run today

So over the past year, although sometimes it feels like I haven't improved at all, I have improved my average pace pretty significantly.  But I expected so much more for myself.

I tend to have unrealistic expectations frequently in my life, especially when it comes to personal expectations.  This theme in my life has generally lead to success in academics and work, but I really think if I don't get my physical expectations under control, it could end up being my downfall.

The problem is that I have no idea what reasonable expectations even look like.  I've always been a shoot for the moon kind of girl.  I thought about asking my doctor if there is someone I could set up an appointment with to try and help me set realistic expectations for my overall fitness levels.  I don't want to self destruct or sabotage the progress that I've made and I definitely feel that coming on some days.  

This afternoon as I was headed to pick up Ragerpants for his OT appointment, I heard a song that I've heard many times before, Remind Me Who I Am, by Jason Gray.  They overplay it so I don't always listen, but today I was actually paying attention to this portion of the song and it really hit deep

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

The last line has pretty much been my prayer lately.  I know God loves me but I have such a hard time believing it some days.  I just want to be confident in that and be able to love myself enough to celebrate my accomplishments without always focusing on what needs to be improved.

I realize for regular readers that you are probably saying to yourselves, "this girl says the same thing over and over".  It is true, I do tend to struggle over and over with the same things, but I'm not giving up!  That must count for something, right?

I did look at graphical representation of my weight over the past eight years or so today and it was kind of exciting to see that I weigh less than I have in quite a while.  This is just from doctor appointments, so it doesn't capture everything, but it is an accurate representation.  The peak was when I was 8 months pregnant with my first kiddo and I don't count pregnancy weight in my overall weight loss, but if I did, my total weight loss would be around 125 pounds. 

I just have to remember that no matter how slowly it is happening, I am moving in the right direction.

Thanks for reading and listening to me "unpack" this stuff over and over.  I know it probably gets old, but it is my life :-)