The Never Ending Struggle

It has been a while since my last update, so I thought I should take the time to write something tonight.  However, my mind doesn't seem to be very cohesive tonight and I'm not confident that I can synthesize all of the random things I would like to touch on so I'm just going to give you a bunch of random bullet points on the past couple weeks and where my head is at today.  So here it goes

• I received a lot of great feedback on Facebook and in person after my last post and I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to comment.  I'm so glad that I'm not alone in my thinking and that others were able to feel less alone in their day to day struggles with the sharing of my behind the scenes.  I'm thinking of making it a a weekly thing if I can find the time.

• I have been struggling in the health department lately.  In the late winter/early spring I had some issues with feeling nauseous all the time and after a few doctor trips, they determined it was GERD and put me on some medicine to help.  Two weeks ago, the same symptoms came back and have been lingering.  It is like having morning sickness (which for me was all day sickness) without growing a baby.  As a result, my appetite and food choices have been completely out of whack and I'm struggling big time with finding some balance and feeling well.  

•  James and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on the 29th.  We didn't actually do much of anything that day, but on Monday night we went to a concert with my sister and her husband.  We saw Twin Forks at The Triple Rock.  Twin Forks is the newest musical endeavor by Chris Carrabba (Dashboard Confessional).  I have mentioned my love for Dashboard Confessional in other posts - basically, it was music that completely resonated with me during some of the most depressing years of my life.  He wrote and performed music that spoke to my soul and made me feel less alone in my feelings....it is super depressing music and I have a hard time listening to it now because of all the emotions that I associate with it.  Twin Forks is quite the opposite.  I guess I'd call them a cross between Americana/Bluegrass/Folk with a little bit of Irish Pub Rock thrown in.  There wasn't many people at all at the concert which meant a super intimate show and the chance to meet them afterward!!!  They were so nice and it was great to chat for a bit.  They played covers of I Saw the Light and Blister in the Sun....that kind of mix doesn't usually happen, but it was perfectly suitable for my musical tastes, so I loved it.  I totally recommend checking out their EP, it is super fun and catchy and my kiddos love to dance to it.  You can take a listen on Sound Cloud.

James through this little collage together

• We had planned to go out for an anniversary dinner prior to the concert, but I had a 5 mile run to do on Monday and it took a little bit longer than I planned on and we got going a bit late so we didn't get to go out until after the show.  We were just trying to think of things that would be open and ended up at The Blue Door Pub, the same place we went for my birthday.  I ordered the special called the Hullabalucy.  It was a burger stuffed with blue cheese and mashed sweet potatoes with a maple mushroom aioli.  When I took the first bite I kind of felt like I wanted to just curl up in bed with my burger because it was so delicious.....these are the kinds of thoughts I have about food at 11pm after a really long day.

• With the above mentioned nausea, finding the energy and proper nutrition to run has been a challenge lately.  I've been doing my best to keep up with my training plan and I've only missed one run, but I really feel like this training plan is kicking my butt.  I am sore, tired and ravenous pretty much all the time.  I feel like my legs are starting to revolt.  I was talking with James about this tonight because I really struggle with knowing what is the voice of self-doubt in my head and what is the voice of reason.  There aren't a lot of people who are 60 pounds overweight talking about training for a half marathon and how that is going for them.  I'm not looking for someone to compare myself to, I'm just wanting to know what common experiences are for other runners my size, and it has been hard to find any info.  I wish there was some way to know what is "too much" for me running at this weight and what I just need to push through.  One thing is for sure, training for half marathons is not conducive to weight loss for me.  I might lose a few pounds one week, but then feel like I'm starving all the time the next week and over eat to compensate.  I'm having a difficult time finding balance right now.  

• I'm not making the declaration yet, but I think this might be my last half marathon, at least until I'm at my goal weight.  I'm thinking I might stick to 10Ks in the future and kind of make that "my distance" for races.  I'm also toying with the idea of training for the YWCA Triathlon in 2014.  Only problem with that is that I despise biking and sold my bike a while back so I'd have to get a new one and that isn't in the budget.  I'll be watching Craig's List for a really great deal.

• I've been listening to the latest sermon series by The Village Church (Matt Chandler) called Recovering Redemption.  It has been really helpful for me.  Matt has such a gift at speaking the truth with grace.  If you need to find freedom from anything in your life, I highly recommend checking the series out.  

• I am at 55% of my goal for my Team World Vision fundraising!  I would LOVE to reach 100% and would be forever grateful if you would consider sponsoring me in this effort.  Honestly, a $1 donation would let me know that you are out there and support me in this - plus, there is the even bigger benefit of HELPING KIDS HAVE CLEAN WATER!!!  You really wouldn't believe how motivating it has been for me to know that I'm doing this for a purpose so much bigger than myself.  If I wasn't running for these kids, I would have quit by now, I know that much.   

• I'm really struggling with my boys right now.  They are fighting non stop - there has been biting, hitting, pinching, yelling, screaming, stealing and crying nearly every minute of the day around here lately and it is wearing me down.  Normal 2 year old behavior doesn't mix well with a 3 year who has trouble regulating his emotions and using words.

I think that about does it for now.  I'll try to have a more inspiring and cohesive post soon, but this is where I am today.

I made a new before/now picture that I needed to remind myself how far I've come after a couple of crappy eating days.

Thanks for reading - now check out some Twin Forks!