This evening at church, our pastor was talking about the "everywhereness of God" (super technical term), basically talking about God is in and part of everything and he makes things known to us when needed. I have moments where the everywhereness of God is very much known to me, usually in the form of song lyrics. I had another one of those moments today as I was helping Rory make her bed after a really stressful trip to the grocery store and Family Fun Flatables (lets just say the whereabouts of my middle child were not known for a good 5-10 minutes....it felt like forever). I wasn't in a good place, I was exhausted, stressed and feeling incredibly inadequate and overwhelmed.
In the middle of my own little mess, I heard this
I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Though I'm silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You
So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray
(Pray - Sanctus Real)
I did my best to keep the tears to myself and quickly finish up her bed and leave her room so that she didn't have to see me crying. The kids have seen way too many tears fall from my eyes lately.
I don't know about you, but it seems like no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to escape the comparison trap. Today was one of those days when my Facebook and Instagram feeds got the best of me and I started to feel completely inadequate. I've mentioned many times one of the quotes that many people have spun one way or another and I'm not even sure where it actually originated, but it is
Don't compare your behind the scenes to someone else's highlight reel.
I'm gonna go ahead and give the credit to Steven Furtick because he is the first one that I heard say it. Typically, what we see on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram is everything that people are proud of, things they want to share with the world. They aren't sharing the things that they struggle with, the stupid things that they do, the things that the fail at. Well, tonight, that is exactly what I'm going to do. For the other mom's out there that struggle with comparison (I hope I'm not alone), here are some of our behind the scenes.
- My almost five year old can't read and has absolutely no interest in reading. We've tried, many times, to get her excited about it, but she wants nothing to do with it and we're not pushing it. She also can't ride a bike without training wheels. Honestly, she has a hard enough time even with the training wheels and it has been difficult to find the time and place to help her learn....and again, she really isn't interested.
- My almost four year old still wears (and leaks through) a diaper every single night. He doesn't recognize all of the letters of the alphabet, he has a hard time counting to 10. It is a major victory if he gets his socks and shoes on. It is a rare event to get through an hour of a day without him crying or having a tantrum.
- My two year old just started talking and occasionally connects two or three words together to make a sentence.
- When the pediatrician gives us the developmental survey for the kids at their well child checks, I sometimes don't even know if they can or can't do some of the things that are on the list because we've never even tried it or I haven't seen it because we spend pretty much every hour of every day in survival mode.
- Working full time and trying to be a mom to a 2, 3 and 4 year old is kicking my butt and our entire family is suffering the consequences of it
- I yell at my children frequently
- I called my husband a pansy during our therapy session this week
- I had ice cream twice this week and I enjoyed it
- Last week, I bought a bag of Mini S'mores from Walgreens and ate the entire thing myself on the way home
- I was supposed to run 4.5 miles today but only ran 2.87
- Rory dropped part of her free Kids Cookie from Cub on the floor and I let her pick it up and eat it
- I rarely remember to have the kids wash their hands before we eat
- The most frequently used phrase in our house is "poopy butt"
- Sometimes, I let Rory watch a movie in her room while the boys are napping so that I can have some time to myself
- I have more acne than a 13 year old right now and I have to use an epilator daily on my hairy chin and mustache
- I don't even remember the last time I got my hair cut
- Sometimes, when one of my kids tells me that their brother or sister hit them, I tell them to hit them back....honestly, nothing else seems to be getting through to them
- I had Peanut M&Ms for lunch today
I try to do a pretty decent job of making sure my life doesn't always seem like sunshine and rainbows, but hopefully, if you struggle like I do, this will help you know that not everyone is perfect or has perfect children. You are doing the best you can with what you have.
I will probably always struggle with comparison and inadequacy, but I'm getting better at realizing it is happening and stopping myself when I start to dwell on it. I know in my head that the only person's opinion I need to be concerned with is God's, but I have a really hard time getting my heart to understand this.
I went out for a run tonight with Lena and just prayed exactly what Sanctus Real sings as I was running (in between random bits of "I Think We're Alone Now"....it was really dark and quiet in our hood tonight) -
God, You know what I'm struggling with even if I can't find the words to say it. I know that I am tired, I know that I am exhausted, I know that I feel inadequate. You know what is going on in my heart and in my head even if I don't completely understand it. I pray that you would hear those unspoken words, that the Holy Spirit would intercede on my behalf and make my hurt and pain known to you. I know that you are the only one that can make this pain go away and turn these struggles into good and use them for your glory. I pray that you would help me find a way to feel worthy of the love that you and others have for me. I pray that you would continue to use me to bring glory to your name. Thank you for your never ending grace and for never giving up on me. In your beautiful name. Amen.
Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:26-28, ESV
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