Making Peace With Me: More than Conquerors

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

More than Conquerors

Five years ago today, I heard the most terrifying words that have ever been spoken to me. I was at my 40 week, 4 day prenatal appointment, pregnant with my first child. The appointment was with a doctor who I had never seen before. The only thing I remember about the appointment was her saying to me "No matter how this baby comes out, it is going to be dangerous due to your weight." I didn't like her very much.

On the list of things you should never say to a woman who is 40 weeks pregnant, this is somewhere near the top.

For the last nine months I'd been going to all my appointments, passing every single test with flying colors. My pregnancy had been completely uncomplicated. No one had ever cautioned me about this detail until this point. It devastated me.

It is a good thing James was with me because I was nearly inconsolable. I had planned on going to work after my appointment, but with those words, I called my boss and told her I just couldn't handle coming in anymore. We went to cast our absentee ballots for the 2008 presidential election and picked up some pumpkins to carve. We got back home and I spent the rest of the day on the couch watching Gilmore Girls and James headed to work later that afternoon.

Around 6:00pm, I got a call from James telling me not to go into labor that night because he didn't feel well. I called him shortly afterwards to tell him I was sorry, but I was pretty sure we would be heading to the hospital that night.

The next 24 hours were by far the most painful and difficult 24 hours I've ever endured. A planned natural labor quickly changed course with the first few waves of back labor (which we later found out was due to a large sunny side up baby). I have never felt more helpless in my life. I HATED relying on people helping me move from side to side, especially when I knew how much weight they were moving around. I was ashamed. It should have been the most beautiful experience in the world, but all I could think about was how much pain I was in and how big I was. That doctor I mentioned....she just happened to be the doctor on call the evening I delivered, it was most definitely a trick.  The only treat on October 31, 2008 was my beautiful, 9lb 8oz baby GIRL with the most wonderful head of hair. I didn't get to spend much time with her before they whisked her away to the NICU due to chorioamnionitis (which could have been prevented if my lovely clinic had more than one doctor covering two hospitals), but I was instantly in love with my Aurelia Marcille.

The delivery and first couple of days after having my wonderful daughter who will celebrate 5 years of life tomorrow were pivotal in my life. I knew that if I was going to be the mother that she needed and deserved, if I was going to have any part of changing history and ensuring that she wouldn't endure the same name calling and body image issues, I needed to make a big change.  Big changes are hard to make when you have a newborn and find yourself pregnant again 4 months after giving birth, but I didn't give up. I was bound and determined to be better than I was.

It has taken five years, and it will probably take one or two more, but I am making progress. I am becoming a mom that these three kiddos can look up to and learn from. I am a mom that they see running and finishing half marathons even if it is hard and even if I am slow. They see work being done and they have taken notice.

I never knew that becoming a mom would have changed me so much. I never knew that having three small children would give me the motivation I needed to win a battle that I'd been fighting my entire life. I never expected that I'd start to love myself when I had three other little people to love non-stop.

I'm thankful for the words that once terrified me, they have now turned into words that will keep me fighting for my health forever.  To that doctor, I was simply an obese woman waiting to have a baby, and for a while, I believed that.  With God's help, I have learned that I am so much more. I have accomplished things that I never thought were possible through his strength and mercy.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39, ESV

If you are struggling with something and think you can't possibly conquer it on your own, I urge you to turn to the one who made you, the one who makes all things possible, the one who defeated death. NOTHING you have done or will do could ever prevent him from loving you. He has victory over all things and he is living inside of you...you just need to ask him for help. His timing might not match yours, but His is always better than you could ever imagine.