Growing Pains

Hello!  This is just a check in post, not a continuation of the "My Story" posts that I've been doing lately, but I promise that I'll have one of those up by the end of the week.

It has been a rough couple of days in the "healthy choices" department.  The cause of the derailment is exciting, my little sister had a baby!  Due to said baby, I didn't get much sleep on Thursday night as I kept a bedside vigil waiting for baby to make his/her arrival.  SHE finally decided to join the crazy world outside of her mother's womb at 6:26 Friday (7/20) morning, just a day before her parent's 5 year anniversary.  Etta Gloria is her name, and she is the most petite little thing I've ever seen.  She is gorgeous, but I'll let you be the judge

I rushed home pretty much immediately after she was born to shower and change and head back to work.  I only made it to about 1pm before I was completely useless.  I went to visit the new family quickly and then headed back home and went full swing into the weekend.  James has been sick with what his doctor thinks may be mono, so he's been exhausted and trying to sleep as much as possible to recuperate, but it doesn't seem to be working.  If you are the praying kind, please pray for healing and/or some kind of a diagnosis.  He battles crazy joint pain and extreme fatigue on a fairly regular basis and his doctors haven't really been able to pinpoint any causes. 

So between those two events, I've been pretty much exhausted since Friday and I have realized that when I'm exhausted, if I throw in a little bit of frustration and anxiety, I still have the desire to shove my face with food.  It is annoying.  I know it is ridiculous and sinful as I'm doing it, but I consistently tell myself that I'll make better decisions tomorrow....it's been 5 days of tomorrows.  I've been running on auto-pilot trying to do it on my own instead of leaning into God to fulfil the hunger that only He can satisfy (Psalm 63:5-8). 

One other item to add into the mix is the barrage of messages/teachings that I've heard and read lately that talk about the complementarianism view of theology.  So many pastors and organizations that I greatly respect and turn to for advice and direction in other areas talk so much about a woman's primary job being in the home to serve her husband and raise her children. 

I was not raised to believe this, in fact, quite the opposite.  I was raised to believe that I didn't need a man and that I could have any job that a guy had.  I didn't believe that men and women are uniquely gifted.  As a result, I became very driven to succeed in my education and in my career.  My worth (in my head) was measured by my GPA at the end of the semester, the number of letters behind my name and the position that I held.  I decided to get my M.B.A a couple of years ago and never once thought that I would be sitting here thinking the way that I do today.

I just never even thought about staying home with my children.  I knew that eventually we would have them, but staying home with them never crossed my mind, I just always assumed that I would work.  Now, here I am, wanting to be home with them, wanting to spend as much time as I can loving them, teaching them, shaping them.....and financially it isn't an option, because there is just no way to pay for the student loans resulting from said M.B.A (and many other bad financial decisions) on one income, not to mention how wasteful I feel like it would be to have a degree that isn't being utilized. 

It is so painful to not be able to be the wife and mother that I want to be, that I believe God desires me to be, because I didn't have the maturity to think about the future. 

What makes it even more difficult for me is that there just aren't very many good resources for mother's who work outside of the home and also desire to know and follow God.  It can be incredibly defeating for a woman working outside of the home to constantly hear recommendations on how to be a "good" wife and mom by being home but then nothing at all about how you can do those things and work outside of the home at the same time.

I know a lot of women who are good moms who work outside the home and I know a lot of women who are good moms that stay at home with their children.  Trust me when I say that I'm not trying to make all women feel guilty about working.  This is just an area where I believe God is doing some work on me and I'm really struggling with it.

Part of me wonders if maybe I'm being called to offer the support to the women who are "stuck" in a situation of constant conflict between wanting to be at home but yet needed to work outside of the home.  I know that it is possible to be Godly mother and wife and work outside the home, I just have this overwhelming need to have someone paint a picture of what it looks like for me.  

Today I am left feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  I keep trying to find clarity in a situation where I don't think I'm going to find it.  I have a feeling that being a working mom is going to be something that God uses to help remind me that I don't have all the answers and that I need to lean into Him and trust in His promises. 

I've been reading through Deuteronomy in my daily reading plan and came upon this little gem that is always helpful to be reminded of

"Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations" - Deuteronomy 7:9 (ESV)

I don't know why it is so hard for me to remember that God is God, the faithful God.  It is a relief.  I would make a horrible God, I can't even keep track of things in my own life, but He knows every detail (Psalm 139).  How awesome is it that there is someone who knows me better than I know myself, not only does he know me, but he has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11)!  It is comforting and terrifying at the same time to know that there is NOTHING about us that He doesn't know.  I have thoughts some times that I wouldn't dare share with another person, but yet the One I love the most is completely aware of them.  Every wicked thought, every sinful act, He knows, and yet He still loves us, He still sent Jesus to die for us.  I'm baffled by and so incredibly thankful for God's grace, the FREE grace that we don't need to earn, we only need to believe in (John 3:16-21).   

I realize this is a somewhat random post and kind of ended up all over the place, but that is where I am today.  If you have any words of wisdom or any resources on being a working mom who loves Jesus, I'd love to hear them!     

I will leave you with a song that I can't get out of my head lately