I am taking the term "De-Churched" from Matt Chandler, one of my favorite teachers lately. Here is a little clip where he explains it. Basically, this part of my life was me thinking that I wasn't good enough for God. I had made too many mistakes, he wasn't answering my prayers and I kind of just gave up.
I ended the first part with the transfer to a different college. Switching school mid year proved to be a bit of a challenge for me since most people had already fallen into a routine and formed friendships. I tried really hard to find a Christian organization to get involved in since I had such a great time with Campus Crusade in Moorhead. I went to Campus Crusade a few times, Chi Alpha, Inter Varsity and Lutheran Campus Ministry. Every time I left I felt even more alone than I did when I showed up by myself. No one talked to me, no one cared that I was there and I eventually just gave up and stopped trying. Looking back, I know that I am just as much to blame. I could have started conversations, I could have reached out to people, but when you struggle with social anxiety, thinking and doing are worlds apart. I remember being really frustrated with God at that point. So many times I just pleaded with him to help me find a group to get connected with. I can't even tell you how many times my prayer was, "I'm trying so hard here God, come on, just help me find somewhere to belong. Isn't that the least you can do for me?" I wanted a relationship with him, but I felt like he was just kind of letting me flail on my own and I wasn't strong enough in my faith to be going at it alone.
Along with not really fitting in anywhere, I was also very single. I just kept telling myself that if I had a boyfriend, life would be better, but no guys were interested in me. Then one day I met a guy named Chris online who went to school at St. Olaf. We started chatting and decided to meet. Our first date went well and he was really sweet. He was in choir and played the guitar, which was super awesome as far as I was concerned. Then came the second date. I'll skip the details but let's just say that there were a lot of "no's" on my part and a lot of "but I want to show you how much I love you's" on his part and he ultimately won the battle. The next I heard from him was that he had been kicked out of school and was moving back home. He was kicked out of school for sexually assaulting two girls, both of whom were also overweight and lacking in self esteem (gee, I wonder why he picked me?). He never loved me, he never even cared about me, and I was completely devastated.
The shame that I carried with me after that was overwhelming (it still creeps up occasionally today). I felt completely worthless and just kept searching for "love" on the interweb hoping I would find someone to make me happy...really not a great idea. I hate how much I felt like I needed to have a boyfriend. I was so independent when it came to doing things on my own. I could change my own oil (with my dad's help), move myself too and from school each year. If it was something that you'd normally need a guy to do, I took pride in doing it on my own, feminism at it's finest...but I desperately wanted someone to tell me that I was beautiful. I just kept searching for someone fill this gigantic "God-sized hole" in my heart when in reality, no guy would never be able to make me whole.
I spent the next year or so spending A LOT of time alone. I didn't party, didn't have a boyfriend and didn't have a car to take me home on the weekend, which in college, pretty much means you are on your own. The dorms clear out on the weekend. I think my only contact with other humans during the weekend was my time at work. I spent pretty much every Friday/Saturday evening the same way: I'd eat a bunch of food that was terrible for me, turn on some really depressing music (usually Dashboard Confessional) super loud, turn out the lights and lay on the floor and cry. It was really awesome.
I changed my major multiple times, I think I went from Music Business to Psychology to Sociology to Finance and I still wasn't completely sure what I wanted to do.
I eventually found a new boyfriend and decided to transfer schools again (half because I wanted to be by him and half because I wanted to have a generic business administration major and Mankato didn't offer that, but Bemidji did). I also had a major falling out with my roommate/best friend from high school a few weeks before I was supposed to be the maid of honor in her wedding. We've sense reconciled, but it was just proof of how relationally challenged I am.
I didn't think life could get much worse, but it definitely did. My boyfriend and his friends were of the partying nature and of course, I decided to join in. It was a toxic environment for me filled with a lot of people who denied the existence of God and thought that Christians were stupid and/or weak. Our relationship didn't last very long after I transferred up there, mostly due to my immaturity and complete inability to communicate my feelings, and of course the fact that I thought a boy was going to be able to fill the void in my life so I had ridiculous expectations of what our relationship should be. It took me a really long time to recover from our breakup since I still saw him frequently. Most of my time spent in Bemidji was filled with anxiety attacks and episodes of severe depression.
I made a couple of REALLY bad decisions in "rebound" boyfriends after that. I dated one guy (a body piercer) for a while who had more than likely killed a guy in his past of drug dealing. That one didn't last too long. I ended it after he picked me up once and had a gigantic bag of weed in his van....apparently it was his mom's, but I didn't buy that. Then I dated another guy who was unemployed and living with a friend who was growing weed in their apartment. We dated for almost a year and then he accused me of cheating on him and broke up with me and two weeks later he was engaged to someone else....I wonder who was actually doing the cheating. I went on a lot of bad first(and only) dates with a lot of guys who had a lot of growing up to do, but I didn't think I was worthy of anything more. Pretty much the only standard I had was that they were interested in me...never a good idea. I was a very lost and lonely girl.
I filled the void with music and pretended to be a punk rock girl. I say pretended because I might have looked like one on the outside, but I was just a sad little emo girl on the inside, nothing punk rock about that. I even have pictures to prove it (as well as a few scars from piercings and a tattoo of a treble cleff on my back)
I think I went to one or more concerts a week at that point in time. I just couldn't get enough. Finch, Something Corporate, Dashboard Confessional, Howie Day, Matt Nathanson (before he was super popular), Good Charlotte, Brand New, New Found Glory, Saves the Day, Say Anything, Taking Back Sunday, Jimmy Eat World...they gave me a reason to keep going. I think everyone at those shows and who was part of that whole sub-culture of people was doing the same thing. Everyone was trying to fill some kind of void in their life with words from bands that were sad and angry at the world.
There was one good thing to come out of my time spent in Bemidji. I had met a guy at the Lutheran Campus Ministry tent during the organization fair that I just knew would be perfect for my little sister. She decided to go to college in Bemidji as well and so naturally, I made her start coming to Lutheran Campus Ministry events with me (at least I wasn't alone anymore). She was not at all into Chris, the guy I wanted her to meet, but eventually we all became friends. Chris however, was completely in to her and the two of us would chat over MSN messenger to try and find a way for them to be together. Eventually, after he had a date with another girl, she decided that maybe she liked him a bit more than a friend and the rest is pretty much history. They will be celebrating their 5 year wedding anniversary this July on the exact same day that their first child is due! I'm super excited and so happy to call Chris my brother in law. My sister's roommate also ended up marrying a friend of my ex boyfriends, so I guess in a way, two people ended up finding the love of their life through my misadventures.
Once I graduated from college and had broken up with unemployed, pot smoking douche, I decided I was completely done. I wasn't going to look for a guy anymore, if it was going to happen, they would find me. I moved in with my mom and started attending a Lutheran church on a regular basis. I knew that I needed God if my life was ever going to get better, slowly but surely, I felt like I was on the right track.
I started hanging out with a couple of friends from high school that still lived in the area and I was enjoying life. Then one day in July/August of 2004 I got an e-mail from some guy named James from some online dating service that I had signed up a few years prior and completely forgotten about. I was torn. I had sworn off Internet dating, but this guy seemed really decent. What was a girl to do??
You'll have to wait until part three to figure that one out :-)
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