I'm sure that title is leaving most of you wondering where in the world I'm going with this post, but it will give a little taste of how random my mind is.
I just completed the Couch to 5K Program! It is a pretty exciting accomplishment for me, but I'm not stopping here. My goal now is to focus on improving my speed and to throw in some weight training. I would like to give a special thank you to the boys in the red mini van for the lewd gesture and degrading comment. As far as I am concerned, it was a win-win. You got a good chuckle about a fat girl jogging and I got the fuel I needed to run an extra five minutes and the satisfaction of finishing a program that seemed impossible 8 weeks ago. Seriously though, I wouldn't have been able to do this if it weren't for the reminder that Matthew West brought to me through the lyrics in his song "Strong Enough": "Cause I'm broken down to nothing but I'm still holding on to the one thing you are God and you are strong when I am weak".
The whole song and this whole journey for me is built around the truth that is in Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." When I started the Couch to 5K program, I honestly didn't think I would ever complete it. I thought I would end up fizzling out somewhere around week 4 or 5, but HE helped me complete it. His strength comes in many forms for me. Through powerful worship songs, through encouraging words from friends and family, through creation and through provision.
So if you have been praying for me, encouraging me, thinking of me, or even harassing me as I run, THANK YOU!!!
Now on to the mom guilt portion of my post. I know that I'm not the only one who struggles with mom guilt, in fact, I think just about every mom or expectant mother I know struggles with it. This week was a particularly rough week for me in that area because my baby is 9 months old now and fighting with me when I try to nurse him. I of course take it as a sign that he is weaning and preparing for life without nourishment from his mommy who loves him so very much (which is saddening in and of itself). I've been getting next to nothing when I pump at work and my frozen stash is down to about 12oz so I ventured on to a site which I have found extremely helpful as a breastfeeding mom, KellyMom, for some advice. I found this article on self lead weaning and when I got done reading it, I felt like a complete piece of garbage.
Apparently, I'm just pushing my son to be independent and he isn't actually weaning.....or so they would have me believe. Truth is, my son is getting more independent and I'm just not making enough milk to sustain him anymore despite my efforts to keep a supply up while I work. I've pumped twice a day with a hospital grade pump for the last 6+ months that I've been back at work and since he doesn't want to nurse on the weekends, I'm pretty much tapped out...not to mention the lovely fluctuations that happen with all the glorious hormonal changes that women get to experience in a month. I've given it all I've got. I still plan on nursing him in the morning and before bed (if he will let me), but it all just feels so final and it makes me sad.
I started to think about how defeating it can be to breastfeed compared to formula feeding. First off, let me say that I think that there are EXCELLENT mothers who formula feed. I do believe that "Breast is Best", but your kids are going to turn out absolutely beautifully if they have formula as well. It was a struggle from day one with my first born and after four months of supplemental nursing systems, multiple trips to the lactation consultant, nipple shields, differing advice from nurses and dry/cracked hands from washing pump parts, I threw in the towel and switched to formula and we were ALL happier.
Anyway, back to my point. When you are a breastfeeding mom, all of the struggles with feeding ultimately point back to you: wrong latch, wrong hold, wrong foods, low supply, etc. When you are giving your baby formula, if there are any problems, you just blame it on the formula or bottle and switch to another one and try again, but the root of the problem is never pointed back at you.....much less defeating. I tell every expecting mom I know that is planning on breastfeeding to expect it to be the most difficult, painful and frustrating thing they have ever done. It looks so very easy, but it is far from it.
So if you have ever had to make the difficult choice to switch from breast to formula, please know that you have all of my empathy. There are so many people out there who make you want to feel like you are going to destroy your child's future if you don't breastfeed them for the first year, but if making the switch means that you will be less stressed and more patient, then go for it and don't ever turn back!
Ok, rant over. Happy almost weekend and thanks for reading!
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