It has been a while, I find it hard to take the time to blog at the end of a busy day when there are countless other things I could be doing and probably should be doing (like the pile of dirty dishes in the sink). However, I need to do it to get my thoughts out and to have something to look back on.
I've had ups and downs over the last week or so. God was extra kind to me on my first 20 minute interval of non-stop running last week. During the last 5 minutes I was totally out of steam and headed up the biggest hill on my run...lovely how that happens. Anyway, I just kept praying for God to get me through it and to give me strength and carry me on the rest of the run. Just as I was getting to the top of the hill and pretty much ready to throw in the towel, a bald eagle soared above me over the lake and then landed back in a tree. Immediately, Isaiah 40:31 popped into my head "but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I don't really think their is a verse in the Bible the would have been more appropriate at that moment. Even if God didn't orchestrate the eagle flying above when I needed it the most, it was still my hope and faith in Him that helped me finish the rest of the 20 minute interval. I've been around the lake many times, and I have never seen an eagle before, so I am pretty confident that it was Him.
Recently I decided to listen to praise and worship music rather than the usual punk/rock/metal/alternative mix that I would normally listen to while I run. When I was coming down the hill on the aforementioned run, "Light up the Sky" by The Afters came on. Part of the song says "When I've almost reached the end, Like a flood You're rushing in. Love is rushing in". That coupled with the eagle gave me everything I needed to finish and finish strong.
I had a couple of what felt like crappy runs after that. I still managed to run during all the intervals I was supposed to run, but I just didn't feel like I was improving and I wasn't very happy about it. It is hard for me to remember that this stuff takes time, especially given my current weight and fitness level.
Today I finished Week 6 of the Couch to 5K program. Week 6 is a 5 minute warm up, 25 minute run, and 5 minute cool down. As my 2 year old would say, "MY DID IT!". I can confidently say that I have never run (albeit slow) for 25 minutes straight in my life. I finally felt like I was improving and my tracking with Run Keeper shows that I am. It is very slow progress, but it is progress. I was really hoping to be going faster than I am at this point. After a little pity party, I reminded myself that most people who weight 300+ pounds aren't out running and if I were stacked against 10 other people my size, I'd probably be doing pretty good.
I know that my biggest struggle is comparison. I've heard two really good sermons lately on why we shouldn't compare ourselves to anyone (one by Steven Furtick and one by Andy Stanley) and still I do it. I'm praying for help in this area since I believe the root of it is pride. I have a strong desire to always be the best and I'm usually not satisfied with anything other than perfection. I was the type of student that would get a paper or test back and would be upset if there was anything other than 100% at the top. I have a lot of friends who are extremely fit and much farther ahead of me in the area of running and I find myself feeling discouraged as I hear or read about what htey are doing. But, as Steven Furtick said, I need to stop comparing my "behind the scenes" with someone else's "highlight reel". (Just a quick side note. I think Furtick is hit or miss. I don't agee with everything he teaches and I think he has some ego issues, but I'll talk more about that another day.)
It was quite busy today around the lake and while I usually try to keep focused, there were a couple of times where I noticed that someone was laughing at me or whispering to whoever they were with. While this does get irritating, I am able to brush it off pretty quickly and turn it into motivation to keep going and prove to them (or really me) that I can and will do it. I am extremely stubborn and if I notice that someone has even a hint of doubt in my abilities, it is on. When I was delivering my last child the doctor highly recommended that I get an epidural in case I needed a c-section. I was being induced and she was concerned that if things didn't go as planned, we might need to get baby out quickly. I'd had a successful induction without an epidural previously, so I knew that I was capable, but her doubt really irritated me. I was pleased as punch when she came in to check on me when I was at 7cm dilated and she thought I had gotten the epidural because I was so "zen" as she put it. I delivered a beautiful little boy a few minutes (and a few profanities) later. So bring it on, your doubt only makes me stronger.
So that is where I'm at today. I accomplished something that I've never been able to do before and while I am proud, I am not as happy with where I'm at as I would like to be. So I will call myself content and just keep praying for God to keep working with and on me. My constant prayer through all of this is that God would help me glorify his name through this. I want to be ever aware of the fact that I am not doing this alone. I know that I'm not capable of doing this. I've tried many times before and failed miserably, but this time, I am doing it with his help.
No comments:
Post a Comment