My Own Worst Enemy

Frustration!!!

I am ridiculous.  I am consistently disappointed in myself after completing my runs because I don't feel like I'm running fast enough.  I have so far to go to feel like I can confidently run in a 5K race (which I am doing on June 15th by the way).  I know I am making progress, but it is just so slow.

I don't really know why I seem to think that I should be able to move my 301.8 pound body (at least the scale is headed in the direction I would like), that has done nothing other than grow and feed babies for the last four years, as fast as a normal sized person can, but I do!  I can't seem to find peace or satisfaction in the simple fact that I am able to jog (VERY slowly) for 28 minutes straight or that I ran a mile in less time than I ever have before and then went on to run even farther.  Compared to the Tammy that I have been the last 30 years of my life, I am making tremendous progress, but, compared to multitudes of others, I feel like a failure.

This is thinking that I know I need to fix, and I'm trying desperately, but I know that I can't do it alone.  I need to keep praying for peace in the progress that I am making and stop comparing myself to others.  I spent a good 20 minutes today on Google searching for another morbidly obese woman who ran a 5k that I could compare myself to.  I have this never ending need to find validation in being better than at least one person....it is an awful problem.  I can hear Andy Stanley saying "There is no win in Comparison", but it just isn't sinking in.  Pride and comparison is such a stronghold for me.

Speaking of strongholds, I started the Beth Moore Esther study last night with my small group.  The tag line for the study is "It is tough being a woman".  We had originally planned on doing the Beth Moore Daniel study, but were kind of derailed toward Esther and I know that it is providential.  We are all in need of this study!  It has been a while since I've done a Beth Moore study and I forgot how animated she is, I love to see and hear her interpret God's word.  One of the comments that really stuck with me was that God doesn't want to be anonymous in our lives.  He wants to be known, he wants a relationship and He wants and deserves all the glory.

I need to stop being frustrated, stop listening to the lies I tell myself and start looking to God for validation.  I need to start taking my cue from the one who loves me, the one who died for me.  I need to see myself the way that God sees me and only be concerned with how He sees me.  I pray that I can keep looking Up and stop looking left and right.  I pray that His love and His goodness will be enough for me.  I need to focus on doing His will and nothing else.  I need to be found in HIM.

If you struggle with this, I HIGHLY recommend checking out The Comparison Trap series by Andy Stanley.  I know I plugged it once before, but I just listened to it again, and it is so good.

I'm already feeling more at peace with where I'm at today.  Like I mentioned earlier, the scale is going in the right direction and that alone should bring me joy!  I'm off of the plateau and on my way down, praying that God will continue to help me have the self control to make healthy choices.

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!