Stuck in the Middle

I've had a rough week.


I wonder how many posts I've written start that way? I'd bet a majority of them do. 


I went out for a 3 mile run last night and I wanted to quit before I even got to the end of the block because my legs just felt so tired.  I debated turning around and just skipping my run for the day, but I pressed on hoping my legs would warm up...but they never did.  I kept trying to get them to go and they kept refusing to do what I wanted them to do.  About a mile and a half in, when things still weren't getting any better, I might have had a 33 year old temper tantrum that involved an ugly cry and a chucked water bottle.  FYI, I throw things when I get really frustrated, you've been warned to steer clear of projectiles.


I ended up cutting things short and 3 miles of running turned into 2.5 miles of me telling myself how pathetic and worthless I am.  I've been "running" for over 3 years now and I couldn't even get through 3 miles and it hurt, mentally, physically, and emotionally, and it hurt bad. It is really hard to watch people who started running 10 weeks ago run stronger and faster than I can after three years of this.  I'm insanely happy for them, but it is still hard to not seem to be able to get past this plateau that I'm stuck on, because it feels like I'm trying really freaking hard to get off of it, and I just can't seem to get there. 


I'm so sick of being stuck here.  I feel like such a failure because I haven't been able to finish what I've started.  I don't want to stay this size forever, or even worse, gain everything back like so many others do.  I think like 80% of people who lose a significant amount of weight gain it all back and then some within 2 years.  I've gained back about 25-30 pounds from my lowest point and I am struggling so hard to get back on track.


I think the reason so many people regain all the weight is because it is exhausting to change who you are in order to lose weight.  You need to become a different person in order to lose weight, and when life gets crazy and you get tired, that is nearly impossible to do.  Everything in me wants to overeat and I fight so hard to stop, but after a day of using all of my energy to just get through everything else that life demands of me right now, I lose the energy required to continue to deny myself of that extra portion or snack.




It is important for you to know that I'm not looking for sympathy or recommendations on any of this, I just need to vent.  I know what I need to do, just like any other overweight/obese person knows what to do.  It is rarely a lack of knowledge that prevents someone from losing weight, it is a lack of emotional energy, because losing weight requires all of it.


Since it is so easy for me to get frustrated with being stuck where I am instead of making progress, I needed to remind myself of the progress I have already made.  I was looking through old pictures tonight from before we had kids.  It was really easy to figure out why I ended up weighing 385 pounds after looking through them because I'm passed out on the couch or snuggled up with the dogs in almost all of them.  Physical activity was pretty much non-existent.  I'd get home from work and crash on the couch.

I miss my Skip dog

I definitely wasn't living life, I was just letting it pass by.


So even though I'm not where I want to be, and even though I still have an enormous amount of work to do, I'll celebrate the fact that I've learned how to live, no matter how painful it may be sometimes.


Rather than sad and empty half smiles, I've got silly and sometimes sweaty smiles.

  

 

Since pushing myself really hard doesn't seem to be working, I suppose now maybe it is time to mix things up and try some grace.  Grace for others is always easy for me, grace for myself is extremely hard. 


I know you read the same thing over and over and over and over and it gets really old, but I'm thankful to have a space to process and maybe help someone else who understands the struggle feel a little less alone.


Life is hard.  Everyone has a struggle.  Be kind.  


I go through phases with music and right now I can't seem to get enough of a band called Manchester Orchestra.  I've listened to them off and on for a few years, but I don't think I've ever enjoyed them quite as much as I do right now.  One of their songs, "I Can Feel A Hot One" is just so perfect right now.  I love these lyrics

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

 

So I'll leave you with this song because maybe you're like me, waiting for God to show his face or give you a word when it feels like it has been far to long.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCymIXSdOE8&feature=player_embedded