Overflowing

It has been another rough day in the parenting department.  My middle son is really testing my patience (and sanity) lately.  This was fairly normal for him until we started taking him to Occupational Therapy.  His attitude improved greatly and he had been doing much better with communicating and the tantrums, outbursts and bad moods had become an occasional thing.  We were slightly concerned that spending more time with his sister during the summer would cause him to regress and his OT was pretty sure that we would see some regression.  I was optimistic and hoping that things would stay as they were, but this past week has been really rough.  He is back to constant tantrums, not listening and coming up with ideas in his head and then getting really upset when we don't follow through on them. 

This morning I went to a wedding shower and Rory came with me.  When we left, he followed us out the door saying that he was "going to work".  He seriously thought he was going to get in my husband's car and drive somewhere.  I have no idea where he comes up with this stuff. I had to carry him kicking and screaming back into the house and quickly shut the door so he didn't get out again.  Then this evening, when my mom was leaving our house, he jumped into her car as soon as she hit the unlock button because he wanted to go see his cousin Etta (which was where my mom was headed).  Again, he wouldn't listen to me to come out, he wouldn't listen to my mom, I had to physically remove him from the car and throw him over my shoulder and carry him back into the house. 

There were many other little events in between those two major ones and by the time bedtime rolled around tonight, I was nearly catatonic.  His behavior and my inability to deal with it in a calm manner is extremely draining on me.  I feel incredibly inadequate when it comes to being his mother. 

I decided I needed to go for a run tonight once the kids were in bed.  I had planned on doing 4 miles and when I walked outside it felt humid but it didn't feel all that hot, so I thought it would be a nice night for a run.  I put  on a sermon from Elevation Church called Suck Proof Soul from the "How to Hug a Vampire" series and headed out.  I got about a mile in and decided that it wasn't a very nice night for a run after all.  My legs felt like lead and it was a struggle to keep them moving.  I ended up doing quite a bit of walking.  There was a lot of leaves and branches on the trail and I had gone around and under a couple of fallen trees that landed on the trail.  I got about 1.5 miles into my run and saw this

I thought about trying to weave my way through it but after taking a closer look, I decided just to turn around.  I ended up cutting my run to 3 miles and I was completely spent at the end of that. 

The message that I was listening to was exactly what I needed to hear.  The message was about how certain people and things in life have the ability to suck the life out of you.  We can let people and circumstances steal so much of our energy and peace.  I am very guilty of this, especially when it comes to my kids.  They usually "suck me dry" by the end of the day on the weekends and I end up bitter, angry and short tempered.  They see me at my worst. 

Steven Furtick talked about how we can either be a cracked glass that constantly leaks and always end up dry, or, we can be a full glass that overflows and even though water is leaving the glass, it is still full.  He talked about how after spending all day teaching and hearing of the news of John the Baptist being beheaded, Jesus retreated to the top of a mountain to pray by himself (Matthew 14 if you want the context).  In doing this, Jesus was filling himself up with God's love and he was giving from an overflow of his heart.  He had so much of God's love, peace and mercy within him, that it was easy for it to spill over on to others.  (I'm doing a horrible job of paraphrasing here....just listen to the message if you have time.) 

I have been a cracked glass lately.  I haven't been spending enough time praying or in The Word.  It has been an afterthought at the end of my days lately and it usually gets cut short by me falling asleep.  I've been pushing myself so hard to try and get more running and exercise in because I am at another plateau.  My days have been full and I am exhausted and my kids are being impacted by it the most.  I've been constantly leaking mercy, patience, love and energy and I haven't taken the time to fill myself back up.  

As I was nearing the end of my run tonight, I realized how much time and energy I spend running.  It is a good thing, it keeps me healthy and headed on the right track to meet my weight loss goals, but it isn't filling me up.  I have spent far more time running or at the gym lately than I have praying and studying the Bible.  I am not giving my relationship with God the priority that is required and I am feeling the negative effects of that.

I decided during my run that I am taking a week off from running.  I still plan on walking, swimming and doing the elliptical, but it won't be for more than 30 minutes and it won't be every day of the week.  I need a break to re-focus my energy on my relationship with God, the one person who can fill me up.  I need to mend the cracks and let my cup fill to a place where I can easily spill over to my kids and husband, and then I need to make it a priority each day to make sure it stays full.  

Earlier today as I was complaining about my life to myself in my head, Matthew 11:28 came into my mind.

Come to  me, all who labor and are  heavy laden, and I will give you rest.    Take my yoke upon you, and  learn from me, for I am  gentle and lowly in heart, and  you will find rest for your souls.    For  my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

I found myself getting angry with God as I was thinking about it.  I think I pretty much said to him "seriously, this is what you call rest?  I am freaking exhausted here."  (Yes, I do have conversations with God like this from time to time.  Call it what you will.) 

Tonight as I was listening to that message I was instantly convicted.....this is typically what happens after I have conversations like that with God.  I'm not finding rest for my soul because I'm not coming to him.  I'm trying to do things on my own and giving him the leftovers.

I go through cycles like this, which I think is the downfall of being a Christian in America.  We have everything we need and then some.  We don't really need to rely on God for day to day things as people do in other countries, so it is really easy for us (or at least me) to make him an afterthought until my life starts to fall apart and I realize that it is because I'm not spending enough time with him.

I have so much growing to do.