Last night I was in
bed and couldn't fall asleep, so I turned on a movie. I watched October Baby, which is a movie
about a girl who finds out she was adopted at the age of 19. I loved the movie, but the movie combined
with the tornado in Oklahoma yesterday left me feeling unsettled. I had a lot of thoughts running through my
head and still couldn’t sleep, so I decided to grab my journal and write some
things down.
So, here they are, the racing thoughts I have when I stay up too late and think too much.
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Sometimes I have a
really hard time with the world and the things that take place; the loss of
life, the devastation, the ruin….I don't even bother watching the images on the
screen because it is all just too much.
I become
paralyzed. Paralyzed by all there is to
do. All the hearts that need to be
repaired, all the lives that need hope, all the love that has yet to be felt. I shut down, I feel numb, so small, so
powerless…..so inadequate.
There is so much I
want to do. So much love I want to
share. It is hard to wait, hard to
accept that I have a husband and three small children that need that love from
me and they are just as important.
I am so overwhelmed
by it all. So frustrated by the people
who don't get it and don't take action.
The only place that
seems acceptable to go at a time like this is straight to my knees. Never have I felt the need to cry out to God
on behalf of our people, our country, our parents, our world as I do right now.
We need Jesus. We need him badly.
But amidst all these
thoughts, I hear that oh so familiar still small voice saying, "not yet,
it isn't time, there is still much to be done…"
God has to feel the
overwhelming struggle that I feel, but on a much greater magnitude. How much more heartbreaking it must be for
him to watch people profess their allegiance to him and to still not get what
it truly means to follow him. People
more concerned about the building and organizational structure of the church
than being The Body of Christ.
There are children
who feel unwanted, unloved, rejected and that is not ok.
There are people who
go days without a meal to eat or clean water to drink, and that is not ok.
There are women and
children forced into slavery and that is not ok.
There a millions of
lives being ended before they even had the chance to begin, and that is not
ok.
We need to do
more. We have to do more. He needs us to do more. We are his, He lives in us, we are
representing Him on this earth, we are His hands and feet…..even more, we are
his love.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5
I am so thankful
that I don't have to understand it all.
I don't have to fix it all, even though the "Responsibility"
strength in me really wants to try.
God's sovereignty and grace covers us all. I struggle so much to accept and trust this
truth during times when the brokenness of the world is so visible.
I pray that I will
find a way to be used, a way to share the love and grace that he has shared
with me. I pray that I'll be open to
whatever that may be, even if it doesn't come in a neat and tidy package. I pray that I can set aside my wishes, my
desires, my things, my expectations, my pride and just follow him.
"And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said tot hem, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." Mark 8:34-35
Help me choose to
lose in a world that is consumed with winning.
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